Came to My Rescue

On September 5, 2011, Amy and I were heading home from our four day marriage intensive at the National Institute of Marriage in Branson, MO. We both felt that God had done an amazing work in us through the 30+ hours of group counseling. A few days earlier, though, we had left Clinton hurting deeply but hoping that God would do something BIG. Otherwise, we were doomed. We are forever grateful that we were able to attend.

As Amy and I were preparing to leave our hotel room, a song played on her phone that caused quite an emotional response for me. The whole week had been a spiritual awakening in many ways. Our marriage was strengthened. We started healing personal issues. We had hope that we would make it as a couple. We had direction and clarity on what our next steps would be in our recovery. And, God had proven to be faithful and very involved in the very intimate details of our lives and situation.

The song that played was called, "Came to My Rescue," by Hillsong United. I had heard it before, but this particular day, and even days still, it overwhelms me and humbles me. It is a very worshipful song, and the lyrics are powerful, especially for someone like me who was "rescued" out of darkness.

I was very far gone when my sin got exposed. God refused to let me stay there - thankfully! I longed to be free and "he came to my rescue" as the Bible and this song says. I still wonder, "Why? How?" "How do you still love me, LORD after all I have done to sin against You? Why did You pull me out of the darkness and choose to heal me and save my marriage and my family?"God is good, no doubt. His ways are not my ways. He is faithful, even when I am not. 

When I heard this song on that September day, I was flooded with gratitude, regret over my sin, amazement that God and Amy still loved me, and hope that God had something in store for us; something wonderful.

Lord Jesus, come near to us. We want to be where You are. All we have is Yours.

Came to My Rescue, Hillsong United (Video from YouTube)

**Note: Video link may need to be played from a computer, tablet, etc.

Why do we talk about such "private" matters?

It may seem strange that Amy and I choose to talk about our marriage and adultery so publicly. We could have kept this a secret since we are new to New Albany. Honestly, in some ways, we would rather not talk about it. One, because it is uncomfortable and painful. Two, we know it's not something many people are comfortable with and may "reject" me or us.

Neither of those reasons is enough to keep us silent, though. God has done too much for us and in us. He is the hero of our marriage, and we believe other couples need to hear some hope for their own marriage!

Back in Clinton where we were living, it was no secret at all. Many there knew all about it and were right there with us when it came out. It was very public, and some people were ready to stop hearing about it after a few months. I don't blame them. It is painful and should never have happened in the first place. The destruction I caused still lingers today.

When Amy and I got married in May of 1997, we never thought we would experience "for worse," at least not this way. I knew I was capable of adultery since it ran in my family, but I vowed I would never do that. However, I went down roads of betrayal that surprised even me. I didn't deal with the inner shame or temptation I felt. Instead of bringing it "into the light," I let it "thrive in darkness."

Sadly, silence is what usually keeps sin active and reoccurring. "Evil thrives in darkness" but God "works in the light." Exposing sin and bringing it into the Light is what breaks the cycle of sin and shame.

Adultery among Christians is clearly growing and becoming more of a problem. I have heard many stories of churches facing this problem with their ministers or church members. Sadly, many of them don't do the hard work of recovery and restoration, either because those caught up in the adultery refuse to get help, or the church rushes through the process to get "back to normal."

Silence on this issue will only keep the problem alive and growing. To me, it needs to be addressed openly and without shame. Children need to be taught the dangers of the internet and have boundaries put in place. Teenagers need to have healthy boundaries in dating, internet use, sexual purity, and more. We as adults, need the same thing.

Paul, from the Bible, is a great example of someone who used his sinful past as part of his testimony of God's goodness. God brought Paul (formerly Saul) out of a life of sin and used him to do amazing things for His kingdom.

Paul was not secretive about his past. Everywhere he went, he brought up the fact that he used to kill Christians. He thought he was doing good things for God. He was an elite "religious" leader of his day, very educated, and led the way to trying to silence and destroy Christians.

He even reminds people that he approved of the stoning/killing of Stephen, a Christian martyred for his faith. He says in Acts 22:20, "And when the blood of Your witness Stephen was being shed, I also was standing by approving, and watching out for the coats of those who were slaying him." He not only approved of his death but stood guard so those killing him wouldn't be stopped.

Wow! He was gut honest about his failures. He even calls himself the "sinner of sinners," the worst of the worst. He wrote much of the New Testament and discipled many other Christians. The same man who used to kill Christians was being persecuted for being one.

My point is that Paul could have kept quite about his past but didn't. He was not proud of his past, but he didn't deny what God had done in him and for him, starting with Acts chapter 9. God took him out of his sinful ways and brought him into His light and will. Paul knew God was the hero of his story and determined to tell the world about Him.

Why do Amy and I talk about this so openly? Because someone needs to. We don't want to hide from it (as if we could) and hinder the good that God can do through us and around us. We feel that remaining silent on this issue would be a denial of what God has done. He has proven faithful to us and shown us grace, mercy, hope, peace, strength, and so much more.

We don't want to ever come across to people that we have it all figured out. We are far from that. However, one thing we know is that God is HUGE and MIGHTY and can do far more good than we give Him credit for or can imagine. Adultery recovery is slow, painful, difficult and uncertain at times. However, God is right there with us and carrying us each step of the way.

This is part of our story now, whether we want it to be or not. Therefore, we hope to keep writing new chapters that reflect our obedience and love for Christ, while helping others have the courage and hope to do the same. 

Luke 19:38-40
 ^"When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:

   “Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!”

   “Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!”

Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, “Teacher, rebuke your disciples!”

^"I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”

10 Questions for Accountability and Sexual Purity for Ministers and Men

Before I got hired on staff at a church a few years ago, I wish I would have been asked various questions regarding my sexual purity and accountability. I wish I would have had the integrity and courage to NOT apply for a ministerial position AND/OR confess these issues voluntarily. I have had to work through my own regrets for not being forthright with that information. I wish I didn't even have these issues to work through and recover from!

Being asked a series of questions (see below) would have helped address some major issues that I was not sharing. It could have prevented some serious "moral failure" on my part, assuming I answered them truthfully and openly. I imagine many churches don't feel compelled to ask intense questions about sexual purity, or they aren't comfortable doing so. Sadly, in our culture, the church is going to have to grow in it's ability to deal with sexuality, sexual sin and sexual purity in a more open, God-honoring way.

Preventative measures also need to start with pre-teens and teenagers, since they are the ones who are "desensitizing" themselves to divorce and adultery with their sexual activity. At very early ages I might add. Scary stuff.

With the growing problem of moral failure and sexual sin among Christian men (and women) and ministers, I wanted to make a list of 10 questions to help ministers and men. In my opinion, ministers need to be asked these types of questions BEFORE being hired AND as part of ongoing accountability and sexual purity (i.e. moral failure prevention).


These questions are raw and very difficult to answer for many I imagine.They are questions that will hopefully lead to honest discussion and point out potential concerns with a staff member or applicant. There are other questions you may want to add to the list or take away from this one. I pray that God uses these questions and blog in some way to make a positive difference among men and churches.

10 Interview/Accountability Questions

For Ministers (and Men)Regarding Sexual Purity

1. How many sexual partners have you had in your lifetime, including your current spouse? Please give us an overview of your sexual history, without graphic details.

2. When, if ever, were you exposed to pornography? age/type/location/etc.

3. What is your pornography usage over the past 5 years? internet, magazines, etc.

     Choose one:  Never             Rarely             Occasionally               Regularly             Daily

4. Have you ever been to a strip club of any kind? If so, when, why, where, how often, etc.  

5. How many people in your family of origin (parents, spouse, grandparents, siblings, etc) have had an extramarital affair(s)?

6. How do you guard against sexual sin (thoughts and actions)? What boundaries do you have in place to ensure you minimize temptation and prevent sexual sin?

7. Describe your relationship with the following people: Spouse, Mother, Father, Step Parent(s), and Sibling(s). If any of them are deceased, then describe what your relationship was like prior to his/her death.

8. What “fruit” do you have that reflects a growing relationship with Christ? What areas of your life still need maturing/sanctification? Be honest and specific.

9. If your sexual thoughts over the past week, month, or year were played live for others to see, then how would you feel?   Ashamed      Anxious         Terrified            Depressed        Confident        Embarrassed      Disappointed       Annoyed      Angry      Other: _________________

10. Have you ever cheated on your wife (emotionally, physically, etc)?  If yes, then what steps have you taken for reconciliation and healing? Please explain. 

 Can be used with permission.

 

"Even the darkness is not dark to You..."

I read Psalm 139 this week and noticed something very powerful and important. In verse 7, it says, "Where can I go from Your spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?" At first, it seems that the writer is trying to get away from God. I can understand this since I lived in such sin for so long. Being close to God reminded me of my sinfulness and shame!

However, these words to me are not saying he wants to run from God. It seems to say that it is amazing that God is everywhere and no matter how hard life gets, His presence is always there to comfort. That's a very different perspective from thinking "How can I get away from God!!?"

Verse 12 is the verse that jumped out at me and spoke to me this week. It says, "Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You." Psalm 139:12 (NASB).

Over the past two years, Amy and I have experienced some very "dark" days. In those moments, it was hard to see past the pain and uncertainty. We knew God was with us and was faithful, but in those moments, pain was all we could feel. Verse 12 of Psalm 139 is a powerful truth and reminder, though. "Even the darkness is not dark to You." Wow. When I am overwhelmed by darkness, God is not. To Him, there is no difference between light and darkness.

He is not threatened by my emotional turmoil. He is not changed by my sin. He is not shaken or thrown off guard. He is a rock, a fortress, a faithful God even when I am not. He will never be moved. Nothing I do can separate me from His love. His promises still stand true. He is God alone.

When I am experiencing dark days, I can put my trust in Him. Running from His presence and sinning won't help. Fearing and despairing won't help. Worry and doubt won't help. Rest and trust in Him is the key. Resting in His promises no matter how jacked up my emotions are will be the key to my recovery.

I am grateful that God saw fit to pull me out of my sin and mess. I am humbled that He has anything to do with me. I am honored that He disciplines me and "sifts" me because that means He is my Heavenly Father and loves me.

I want to rejoice like the writer says in Psalm 139:14, "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well." I want to believe this truth DAILY about myself, my wife, my children, my enemies, and my friends - deep in my heart and soul. Bust through my shame, O Lord, and help my soul know this very well.

Recommended Reading for Recovery

Part of my recovery has been to fill (and refill) my mind with truth. I allowed myself to live according to lies for many years. It's sad, really, that though I have read hundreds of books and counseled thousands of hours with couples and individuals, I failed to apply so many things I "taught."

Early in my years as a counselor and later as a children's minister, I felt like such a hypocrite. How could I counsel and minister to people knowing I was living in such sin and lies? I wanted so desperately to get freed up and walk out of the darkness. I didn't, though. I lived in shame, selfishness, and darkness, knowing someday it may be exposed yet remained stuck and felt powerless to change.

Since August 2011, Amy and I have read and studied many different books and Bible studies. Some of these we have done together, while others we have done on our own. They are all great resources. I am sure I will forget to mention some of them, but this will get you started.

If you are facing adultery in your marriage or family, I pray you will get healing and find God's presence and grace to be very evident. Don't let despair or hopelessness keep you stuck. No matter how your spouse responds, it is important to get healing, if only for you personally. Let God be the decider of the results and outcome. Trust Him for the process and healing in your heart and your family's.

Great books and resources...for adultery recovery and spiritual growth.
(most of these can be purchased at LifeWay or other online book stores)

This will hopefully be your main source of truth and information as you seek God and His wisdom, love, forgiveness, and peace.



This is a 6 week Bible study that is very helpful to understand how godly people can commit such awful sin. It's not just for women either. It is updated and revised and is "man friendly" as well.

This is probably one of the leading books on adultery recovery, and it's from a Christian perspective. It's very thorough and will give you tremendous insight regarding your marriage and adultery recovery. 


This is another Beth Moore study. It is excellent, too.



This is an excellent resource for men regarding sexual purity.

This is another book by Dr. Mark Laaser that is for men and sets the stage for how to be accountable in your journey for purity and growth as a believer in Christ.

  This is a must read for understanding how to think and live out personal accountability rather than blame and bitterness.

This is an excellent resource for men. It's not just "how to be evangelistic." It is finding out how the Master Jesus Christ lived and led others to a relationship with him. Men need to learn how to be discipled and disciple others. Jesus is the perfect model for doing so. Great book for sure.

  Amy is doing this devotional study and loves it. It is an excellent resource for women. I have enjoyed hearing her share her insights from this book.

This is a good resource for understanding the difference between total forgiveness and partial forgiveness. I didn't agree 100% with it but it's still a needed resource for your journey of recovery, both as a betrayed spouse or unfaithful spouse.

  This is a great marriage book and will give you plenty of guidance as a couple as you rebuild as a couple.


Amy read this one and highly recommends it. It reminds us that marriage is not just about "me." It's about reflecting who God is; not just to have our selfish needs met. It may challenge your "theology" of marriage and open your eyes to a new perspective; hopefully God's perspective rather than the world's.

I loved this book, too. Pete Wilson is a great author who helps you think through your "plan B" when plan A doesn't pan out as hoped. It's full of powerful stories of pain and suffering met by a loving, gracious God who never leaves or forsakes you.


There are TONS of books and resources for spiritual growth, so as you are in your journey of healing and recovery, I hope you will pray for God to work in and through you. If you only read one book on this list, then I hope the Bible will be it. The stories of failure among God's people followed by His amazing redemption hopefully will never get old.

Genesis is full of examples of "dysfunction." 1 and 2 Samuel is David's life story. The Psalms are David's "blog" about his ups and downs as a "man after God's own heart." So many stories with one main theme: God is good and wants to redeem His people. He loved us so much and refused to let sin destroy us, so He sent Jesus to do what we were unable to do for ourselves. Amazing!

How and Why Did Amy stay?

Many women have asked Amy, my wife, and wondered, I imagine, "How and why did you stay with Scotty after he did such awful things to you?" This is a very good question that even I have wondered over the past two years. Amy is a better person to answer this question, but I will share with you what she has told me about this question. 

I want to first say that Amy is amazing. Her faith in Christ combined with her love for me is out of this world. She has endured the ugliest of sin against her and yet, stayed the course of relying on her God to carry her through. She has never taken credit for her willingness and ability to stay with me through this recovery process. Check out her blog at www.rogers5online.blogspot.com. 

A second factor in Amy's willingness to stay with me was my response. How I responded early on and throughout this recovery process is a critical piece of this recovery "puzzle." She was willing to stay and fight for our marriage as long as I was willing to do the same.

I am so grateful that I have been able to do the hard work of recovery. I don't take credit for what God has miraculously done in me. For some reason, God has seen fit to help me be remorseful, patient, accountable and willing to stay and work through my bundle of personal baggage. I haven't done the recovery process perfectly. I still have a ways to go, but I know and have said many times, "Apart from Christ I can do nothing."

Some characteristics that have helped Amy stay with me and fight for our marriage are...

• Remorse and Godly sorrow - being saddened by my sin against God and her, and not just feeling bad that I got "caught." 
• Accountable to other men - being open and honest with other men and leaning on them to walk me through this difficult journey
• Patience and kindness - not rushing Amy or this process and being patient and gentle with her when she is struggling. 
• Willingness - I have yet to tell her to "get over it" and "let's move on." I want her to take as long as she needs in order to heal. I also want to do what I need to do in order to get healing - whether it be counseling, Bible study, etc. 
• Supportive of her - when I show her support and help her with work, the kids, the house stuff, etc. We are a team and I want to do life with her. 
• Date her - I want to show her I love her and keep our relationship alive and vibrant. Some days I do this well and others I don't, but my desire is to serve her and express my love for her regularly.
• Honesty -  I want to answer her tough questions and be open with her. She has full access to my email, phone, texts, etc. I want to keep radical boundaries with females and not put myself in situations that would lead to problems. 
• Pursuit of Christ - I need and want a growing relationship with Christ. I have to get up early each day and journal, pray and read so I can hear from God and trust Him more. I love that time in the morning.

These are just a few things that have helped Amy stay with me. I know she loves me deeply. I love her deeply. We are in this together, and I am so humbled and grateful we are still together. I am deeply saddened by my sin against God and her. I want to trust God to restore us and keep us together. It is a journey worth fighting for that doesn't come without a fight, though. Satan wants nothing more than to keep us apart. God is our hero and our victory is in Him.

"Is it possible...?"

I imagine there are questions that some people want to ask me or Amy but don't due to awkwardness. Or, they don't know how we would respond, so they keep certain questions to themselves. I would like my friends to be comfortable enough to ask me questions about my recovery, etc., even if only out of curiosity. On a deeper level, I want to be held accountable by Godly, spirit-led men who aren't afraid to ask me hard questions and hold me to my recovery work.

One particular question that I believe some people (including myself) have wondered about when it comes to adultery recovery is regarding future faithfulness. To answer this question, among others, I want to share what I have learned in this journey, and my interpretation of the Bible. I pray that God gives me (and you) insight and clarity through His holy spirit. 

#1 "Is it possible to stay faithful in the future after you commit adultery?" 

I believe the answer is YES. I am clinging to this truth and reality. I NEVER want to be unfaithful to Amy again and put her and our family through such agony. I wish it would never have happened in the first place, and I sure don't want it to happen again.

It is possible to stay faithful, however, it isn't a guarantee and won't happen without me being proactive and purposeful. And, apart from Christ I can do nothing. I know this for sure. I know what I am capable of doing when I don't trust in God and allow myself go down the road of betrayal.

I find some encouraging examples of God's faithfulness and power in people throughout the Bible. Even people who betrayed him and sinned against Him. There are three particular examples of men in the Bible who betrayed God, yet stayed faithful in the future after being restored. They did not all commit adultery, but betrayal can occur in many ways. These three men were King David, the Prodigal son, and Peter.

In 1 Samuel through the book of Kings, plus the Psalms, the life of David is laid out before us to read about. He committed the awful sin of adultery and murder. He also failed in many ways as a leader and father. Yet, I don't see anywhere that shows he committed adultery a second time. He made mistakes, but adultery wasn't a repeated offense to my knowledge. God's presence and blessing was evidence in his life as a "man after God's own heart." Huge sin. Huge consequences. Huge God.

The prodigal son in Luke 15 disrespected his father and squandered his inheritance before his father had even passed away. The Bible says he committed all sorts of sinful acts and finally "came to his senses." He made his way back home and was welcomed by his father with open arms. There is no mention of him living a life of sin and betrayal after he had been restored. No doubt there were many consequences, but the Bible does not say he betrayed his father anymore.

A third example is Peter. In John 18, Jesus is betrayed by Judas and arrested. Jesus was taken prisoner and while being questioned, Peter denied to all the people around him that he even knew Jesus. He basically cussed them out and was angry that they associated him with Jesus. Once the rooster crowed three times, Peter remember Jesus' words predicting his denial. Peter wept and a few weeks later when Jesus arose from the dead, he had a chance to make things right with Jesus. Jesus restored Peter and the Bible says that Peter was full of the holy spirit and led thousands to Christ (see the book of Acts). No mention of him denying Jesus ever again.

With God, all things are possible. I believe I, along with other recovering adulterers, can remain faithful. I also believe these things are important to PREVENT adultery. Prevention is the preferred option for sure.

To stay faithful, I believe it will take the power of God in me, along with...

• prayer
• the Holy Spirit
• honest accountability
• maturity and personal growth
• healing from past wounds (childhood, etc.)
• radical boundaries, especially with the opposite sex
• total dependence on Christ
• a love for Christ above all else
• surrender to God's will over my will 
• a renewed mind
• daily repentance and forgiveness
• a changed heart
• a humble attitude
• a loving wife who I can serve, love and walk through life with daily.

I am on a journey of recovery that is life-long. This coming August will be two full years. So much has happened - good and difficult. Much healing has occurred, but I know more is needed. I want to stay faithful to God and Amy, and let God continue to have His way in me.


Two other questions I want to address in another post...
#2. How does a Christian man, especially a minister, do such sinful, awful acts?

#3. Regarding my wife: How can you stay with someone who has betrayed you so deeply?

Some Things to Consider for Your Journey of Recovery, Part 5

Adultery recovery is a process - often a slow, painful one. Many couples don't survive, while some not only survive, but thrive and have an incredible marriage. I believe it is NOT hopeless. I have seen it first hand in my own marriage.

When my adultery came into the light, we had no idea what the road ahead would look like. The overwhelming feelings were heavy. That horrible day on August 26, 2011 when I called Amy to tell her that I had been unfaithful, I had no idea what her response would be. I didn't want a divorce, so I hoped she didn't either. The next few days, weeks, and months would determine a lot about our future as a married couple.

Another thing I have found to be true for couples when their adultery is exposed is this:

#5 There are no guarantees your marriage will be saved.

Sadly, many couples don’t survive marriage, even more so when faced with infidelity. It is VERY painful and devastating to a marriage. Sharing the “ugly” details of your betrayal will send shock waves through your spouse. It did mine.

Betrayed wives react in so many different ways. Your wife may become suicidal or homicidal. She may shut down emotionally (even physically) and pull away from you and others in isolation. She may lash out in harsh, angry words and actions. She may divorce you. She may even cheaton you to get revenge. Or, she may eventually forgive you and stay with you to work through the healing process (thank God my wife did!).

Reactions will vary from person to person, but honesty with her is crucial. How specific you get with your confession is dependent on your spouse. Graphic details may be demanded by her, but be warned. Those graphic images won't go away and may haunt you on days when you are struggling. If your spouse wants full disclosure from you, then the last thing you need to do is lie more. Be honest and answer her questions. Don't let secrets go on any longer. To withhold truth now only adds to your betrayal. It is best to rip off the "scab" and deal with it in the light, especially within the first few days or weeks. Don't sacrifice long-term healing for short-term "comfort."

This is critical to keep in mind: Don’t base your marital future on her initial reaction (whether her response is positive or negative). Some spouses respond well in the beginning, only to fall apart later. Some react very harshly but end up staying and working things out. Your spouse needs time to process it all. Her faith in Christ and ability to cling to Him will determine a lot. You both will need Him to survive this. Even your best efforts to change and try to make amends with your wife won’t guarantee she will stay.

Don't try to rush through the process or "sweep it under the rug." She will have to decide if she is willing to stay and work things out. Your initial recovery is about two years, followed by a lifetime of accountability, healing, marriage enrichment, purity, and a growing relationship with Christ and other believers. You can’t control whether your spouse stays with you or not. Your responsibility is to pray that you will want to stay in your marriage and do whatever it takes, as long as it takes to get help and healing.

Cry out to God and seek to obey Him, surrendering to Him, using Psalm 51 and other passages as your guide. Pray for God to do a miracle in you, your betrayed wife, and your marriage. Trust Him, even if things don’t turn out like you expect or hope. His promises still stand true – He will never leave you nor forsake you. Nothing can separate you from His love (Romans 8, Hebrews 13).

14 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage

Adultery has run in my family for several generations. I am not sure how far back it goes on my fathers side, but it has occurred in at least three generations: My grandad, my dad and now me. 

I am determined to do all I can to end it with me. I don't want my children to go down that same destructive path. I want to fall on my face before God and pray that He will turn their hearts toward him and away from sin and the world. 

Amy and I want to love, guide and parent all three of our children in a way that leads them to a loving, growing relationship with Christ. We want our children to find their identity and security in Christ and be well grounded in Gods truth. 

We know that our relationship with our children and to each other will shape how they view and relate to God and others. This is a responsibility we don't want to take lightly. Our marriage and recovery is a crucial piece of the "puzzle." 

Ideally, LESS marriages in our society, especially among Christians, will suffer from adultery. It has long lasting consequences and contradicts Gods desire and plan for marriage. 

Prevention is the best option. Here is a link to an article called "14 Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage." It is a check-list that will give you an overview of things to wrestle with and consider in your own life and marriage.

http://www.allprodad.com/articles/dads-and-marriage/14-ways-to-affair-proof-your-marriage/

Daddy-Daughter Date

This is probably one of the most precious moments I have had with Claire in a long time. She and I are very close and have lots of fun together often, but this night holds a special place in my heart, and hers.

She can still describe the entire process verbatim and LOVED this daddy-daughter date night. That makes me smile no doubt.

One thing I have done as part of my recovery is look back at family photos during those "dark" years of my betrayal. I was physically present a lot of times with Amy and the kids, but I was emotionally distant and "checked out."

It really breaks my heart to think about all of the times I took for granted and missed out on loving my family, being faithful to Amy, and living out the life God desired for me.

This picture with Claire is a reminder of what kind of dad and husband I want to be. I want to lead my family as God leads me. I couldn't and wouldn't do that before all of my "junk" got exposed. Now, with things out and God continuing to restore me and my family, He is making it possible for me to get healing and become more whole. It will benefit Amy and our children for sure.

It humbles me to see this picture. It is a reminder of God's faithfulness and mercy. I deserved to be divorced, alone, and rarely get to see Amy and the kids. Though many consequences have occurred (and still occur), I am extremely grateful that God has seen fit to keep my family together and help us heal properly.

I don't want to be a "remorseful adulterer" who stays faithful for a few years and then blows it again. I want to stay in this recovery process for the long haul. It is a daily choice to surrender my will and ways to God and allow Him to work in and through me. I can't do it alone or on my own strength. I have proven that by my betrayal.

Pray for us to abide in Christ and let Him continue to do His work in and through us. Spiritual warfare is real. Sin is devastating. But thankfully our victory is in Christ.

It's a roller coaster ride...

This is probably one of the funniest pictures from a family vacation we have had, and it even occurred in the last two years during our "recovery."Amazing.

The expressions on everyone's face in the picture are hilarious, but the three "strangers" in the back seats are even more so. We laugh at this picture quite often and cherish this memory as a family.


Life, marriage, adultery recovery...all are like a roller coaster ride similar to the one in this picture. It has twists, turns, ups, and downs - joy and fear all mixed together.

If you love roller coasters, then you probably don't like this analogy because life's "roller coaster" ride isn't always as fun or quite the "rush."

The roller coaster of adultery recovery is tough and few choose to do it long-term. The past two years have been combined with some of the most amazing "God moments" I could have ever imagined. However, it has had some of the most painful and difficult ones as well. There have been days we did all we could to not give in to despair. God has carried us through no doubt.

Amy is amazing. God is amazing. Our friends and church are amazing. This journey, with its many ups and downs is worth every ounce of struggle. It's not easy and we can't do it alone. It has intense emotions, pain, joy, sadness, anxiety, fear, and hope - all combined together. God is the hero of our story. As the wise deacon told me on the day I resigned, "Sin sucks like Hell, but God is good."

Self-Hatred

Self-hatred is one of those phrases that can make people uncomfortable, particularly Christian people. In some ways, that's understandable because if we are being logical, then we know that hating ourselves is not a reflection of God's love for us. Even children learn songs that say, "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so."

I feel dumb for saying this, especially on a public blog post, but I have battled against self-hatred quite a bit. Even this past week, it tried to creep back into my thinking. In 2011, being exposed for committing adultery didn't help matters, either. Thankfully, Jesus has done a lot of work in me to help me move further away from such lies about myself. I know that shame and self-hatred won't lead me to freedom in Christ. Quite the opposite actually. Shame will keep me in bondage. I definitely don't want that.

Self-hatred can lead to a lot of selfish, shame-based thinking and behaving. At least it did for me. It is hard to change when you let such lies take root in your brain. Jesus, through His holy spirit, is the author of change. Through Him, I can experience deliverance as I become "transformed by the renewing of my mind," and by "taking every thought captive unto the obedience of Christ."

Self-hatred is something we allow ourselves to drift toward and believe. Though some people are more shame-prone than others and have to work hard to avoid such negative thinking (me included), it is a daily choice to either believe such lies or to reject them and trust in God's truth and promises.

If I allow myself to drift toward self-hatred and shame, then I feel worse and get stuck. The more I reject such lies and rest in God's truth, the more victory I experience and the more freedom I find in Him. My personal walk with Christ, on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis is my best source of hope and strength. Apart from Christ, I am doomed. I am okay admitting that since Jesus never intended me to do this life on my own. He said to "abide in Him" and that's what I want to do.

Pride, fear, worry, isolation, loneliness, shame, self-hatred, bitterness, un-forgiveness, lust, coveting, gossip, and hate are not from God and lead to death. The fruit (not fruits) of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control and leads to life, in Christ. When these things are evident in my life, it is a reflection of my growing dependence on Him.

A great book on overcoming self-hatred is by Brennan Manning called, A Glimpse of Jesus: The Stranger to Self-Hatred. See an explanation of the book below. It's worth reading, especially if you want to know Jesus more personally and understand how His relationship with His Father shaped everything He did, felt, thought, and knew. Or, you or someone you know, may be battling against self-hatred and need some Christ-centered guidance on how to overcome it.







HarperCollins, Jun 29, 2004

Description of the Book
"Following his work on the unconditional love of God in The Wisdom of Tenderness, bestselling Christian writer Brennan Manning now turns to the life and work of Jesus to find an answer to what he believes is the most pressing spiritual problem of our age: self-hatred. The damage caused by this problem is immense. We project it onto God, believing God could never love us because we are unlovable, or we expect an unattainable perfection of ourselves and are left drowning in shame. But Manning warns us that we can't look to ourselves if we want to understand God's love: "The Love of the Father for his children plunges us into mystery, because it is utterly beyond the pale of human experience." The answer to the problem of self-hatred is better understood when we look to the life of Jesus to illuminate the mystery of God's love and compassion. Manning shows us that our persistent self-hatred is rooted in a "script" founded in a faulty understanding of the nature of divine love and a lack of clear understanding of the person and message of Jesus. "In the eyes of the Master whom we have failed, we detect the infinite compassion of the Father and see revealed, in Jesus, the human face of God," he writes. In bringing us a clearer glimpse of Jesus, he helps us to rewrite this script of self-hatred by patterning our lives after the examples of Jesus on earth: his healing work, stories of deliverance, liberating prayer, integrity of self-acceptance, and all-encompassing compassion. Manning also takes us beyond the personal predicament of self-hatred, asking, "What would the church be like if we erred from an excess of compassion rather than from a stingy and legalistic lack of it?"

Disqualified?

There are days when I occasionally feel "disqualified" to do ministry. Though I know there are certain types of ministry things I will likely never do, I still believe God isn't done with me. Emotions can be confusing at times and not line up with what I know to be true about God's truth. That's why I try to acknowledge what I am feeling but not put my trust in my emotions. At times, they can lead me astray. God's truth will not.

I don't know fully what God plans are for me regarding ministry type work. I want to be a resource to pastors, churches, men and couples when it comes to adultery prevention and recovery. I am praying daily for God to lead me in this. I don't know who, when, if, or where God will lead me in this area of ministry. It's no easy calling for sure but is desperately needed. I am one man with a story, but I believe God can use our story to impact others. God saved our marriage and continues to do things only explainable as a "God thang." I want to share it as God allows and trust Him with the results.

There were two men from the Bible that come to mind when I think about feeling "disqualified" - King David and Peter, the disciple. They were called by God to lead and do great things for His kingdom but sinned miserably. Though there were major consequences, God still used those men to accomplish great things. God doesn't want us to sin but somehow can use something evil and make it into something good.


Look at these two verses about David and Peter:

King David

Acts 13:22 (NIV)

²² After removing Saul, he made David their king. God testified concerning him: ‘I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.’

Peter

Matthew 16:18 (NIV)

¹⁸ And I tell you that you are Peter,^[a] and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades^[b] will not overcome it.

King David was a "man after God's own heart." Yet, he committed adultery and had the woman's husband murdered. He also blew it often as a father and leader. 

Peter, the disciple, called the "rock," was going to be the person Christ used to build his church, yet Peter denied even knowing Jesus. He betrayed Jesus when Jesus was arrested. Yet, Jesus restored Peter and used him to do amazing things for the gospel of Christ. 

Two men of God. Two major sinners. Two testimonies of God's mercy, grace, and power. It makes a point very clear: God is the hero of our stories. We, "like sheep, all go astray" yet God remains faithful. He will always remain faithful and see His work through. 

I have never pretended that my sin needs to be quickly forgotten and not seen as terrible. I know what I have done is awful. I have life-long consequences no doubt. Thankfully, God is not holding my sin against me or withholding forgiveness. I want to be restored fully and see what God can do with our story of redemption. 

He is our hero. He is the One who is capable of doing great things despite my sin. I want to be open and willing to let Him do so, no matter what emotions I feel on certain days or how challenging this type of ministry may be. I believe, Lord, "help my unbelief."