Embarrassment

I read a blog this morning on the QBQ.com website called, "Embarrassment - Bad for Me. Bad for Others." Click here to read it for yourself. It's a great article reminding us all about the one of the reasons we lie and avoid taking personal responsibility for our actions - to avoid embarrassment. Maybe it's pride, fear, too. Regardless, when we spend a lot of energy trying to "save face" instead of owning up to our bad choices, the end result usually isn't that good.

I have either felt embarrassed, worked hard to avoid feeling embarrassed, or embarrassed others in my 38 years of life. I am not proud of that fact, and I hope I am maturing in this area of my life. I don't like to be embarrassed, but I sure don't like to embarrass or be disrespectful to others, though I manage to do so more than I prefer. Even with my own children.

A few years ago I remember being asked to do a break out session at a marriage and family therapy conference. This was before all my junk came out. I was not looking forward to it. I was a nervous wreck, and I felt completely inept and like a huge hypocrite. I was speaking on a topic I didn't feel qualified to speak on.

Before, during, and after the session, I remember feeling completely embarrassed and anxious. I told myself I would NEVER do that again! I wanted to sprint out of that room that day. It was not a good feeling. I had similar feelings, for a much different reason, when I had to publicly tell my church that I had been unfaithful to my wife. Huge shame and embarrassment, for me and her.

Embarrassment is going to happen. Sometimes it is due to sin and pride and lying. Other times it's simply due to "life" happening. You may trip while walking. Say something dumb or inappropriate. You may make "bodily noises" accidentally. The list is long.

My desire is two things:
(1) I want to reduce significantly the number of situations that lead to embarrassment as the result of sin and pride. I don't want pride to have any place in my life.  I have to work hard to fight against, but with God's help, I can grow in maturity in this area.

(2) I want to accept full responsibility for my actions when I do embarrass myself as the result of my sin and pride. I don't want to walk in shame, but I do want to face it, admit it, ask for forgiveness, and learn from it.

The past two years, I have been more transparent regarding my sin, struggles, and journey than probably the first 36 years of my life. It doesn't come naturally to me, but the more I do it, the more comfortable I become with it. I can't change the fact of what I have done regarding my betrayal, but I can use it for good and allow God to work in and through me. That's my prayer.

I am going to embarrass myself and others. Hopefully, I won't lie and refuse to take personal responsibility when I do, though. Confession is freeing and healing. Lying, blame, defensiveness and refusing to come clean is draining. Check out the article and be encouraged today. http://qbq.com/embarrassment/

Proverbs 32:3-5 (The Message)

When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became daylong groans.

The pressure never let up; all the juices of my life dried up.

Then I let it all out; I said, “I’ll make a clean breast of my failures to God.”

Suddenly the pressure was gone— my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared.

Recovery is Like Remodeling/Building a Home

We have started painting a few rooms in our house in an effort to update it a bit. We have some remodeling that will have to be done in phases so we can pace ourselves and not go overboard. Remodeling and updating has it's enjoyable aspects, but it is also a bit tiring and overwhelming at times.

This weekend, I painted our bathroom. I even changed out the vanity light and mirror. It looks much better, but it makes the existing sink, cabinets and hardware look way outdated and a bit out of place. A simple paint job exposed the other areas of the bathroom that needed attention.

This is how it is with remodeling, and even building a home. A change here. An addition there. Fix one area and other areas show up as needing attention. Before you know it, you have doubled the cost of the project and still aren't done. It seems never ending.

Adultery recovery (and most recovery) is like remodeling a home. You "fix" one area and get healing, only to see 10 other areas you need to address. You usually discover along the way several things you missed early in the process. Recovery usually takes longer and is much harder than you anticipated.

If you aren't careful, in your recovery you will get so overwhelmed and frustrated that you give up, give in, or rush the process. Just like with remodeling a home, you need to pace yourself, try to enjoy the process, and stay on course. Don't let discouragement or the "slowness" of progress cause you to despair. Let God do all He can and wants to in your life.

Also like remodeling or building a home, your recovery doesn't have to be perfect. It is about on-going improvement - "failing forward" so to speak. You will have set backs and obstacles at every turn. You will make mistakes and not always respond the way you prefer. When that happens, evaluate what happened, ask God for help and forgiveness, and get back up again, trudging forward.

I have come a long way in my recovery the past 24 months, but I have a long way to go. It is a daily decision to do my recovery or not. I don't want to drift back into old ways of thinking or relating. I want to constantly be pruned, sifted, matured, disciplined and led by God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Some days will be smooth, while others will be overwhelming and painful.

As I have tried to work on me, I have noticed that after I feel good about one area of healing in my life, another one pops up soon after. God seems to show me only a little bit of His plans for me one or two issues at a time. That suits me because I can't multitask too well some days. I need to keep my focus narrow and on God's plans and timing. It's a gradual, deepening that will pay off in the long run but can feel slow, maybe even hopeless, at times.

God's calendar is not the same as mine. His ways are not my ways. His thoughts are not my thoughts. That's so comforting to know!!! I get impatient, but I know deep down His path and plans are way better than mine.

As I continue to paint and do some updates to our home here in North MS, I hope to remember my recovery journey and keep things in proper perspective. I don't want to cut corners in remodeling or my recovery work. I want full healing, so I will need to ask God to remind me of that from time to time. Thank you, Jesus, for your patience with me. I know I am hard headed!

Proverbs 29:18 (The Message)

If people can't see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what He reveals, they are most blessed. 

One Day at a Time

When my adultery came out, it was chaos. I had no idea what all was about to happen. I knew it was bad and difficult things would happen, but as far as outcomes, I had no idea.

I have had the opportunity to counsel several couples who are facing adultery recovery. It is humbling, and I thankfully have a message of hope for them. I also know there is no guarantee of the outcome. They can do everything "right" and still end up divorcing or merely surviving.

One thing I have noticed with several men is that they tend to "promise the moon" to try to make their betrayed wife feel better. The good thing is they feel terrible about what they have done and want to stay in their marriage. However, after they come clean, to move forward they try to just focus on their future together and brush over the past. They say things like "I will never do that again. I have changed. I love you and will do anything for you. I promise."

Those are good things to say but are only part of the equation. It's a both/and kind of deal. You reassure AND face the ugly truth of your betrayal and sin head on. I remember wishing that it was enough for me just to come clean and then move forward. God showed me otherwise, though, and thankfully Amy and I were able to reconnect to each other while walking through the excruciating pain of my betrayal. We are better for it, though it wasn't easy.

It's hard to balance the past, present, and future. However, if you try to rush the process, you will pay the price later. As I said in an earlier post, "don't cut corners." You can't say 100% what you or your spouse is going to do beyond today. Even today is uncertain at times.

As the Lord's prayer says, "Give us this day, our daily bread." Today is all we really know, so we need to wake up each day and prepare for battle. You can hope for and plan a great future together, while doing all you can today to be accountable, heal, stay pure, grow, mature, etc. Learn from the past, so it doesn't repeat itself in the future.

Adultery recovery is slow. It's a daily process of sorting out the chaos and walking through the pain. Rushing it isn't the answer. Watering down the past isn't the answer. Dream big for your future together and ask God to do a miracle in your marriage. Then, commit daily to one another and focus on TODAY. Try not to neglect today by only focusing ahead and/or refusing to look back. Learn from the past, be grateful for and responsible in the present, and pray for a bright future.

Biblical wisdom from The Message version of the Bible:


Proverbs 27:1

Don't brashly announce what you're going to do tomorrow; you don't know the first thing about tomorrow.

Matthew 6:34

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

James 4:13-15 

And now I have a word for you who brashly announce, “Today—at the latest, tomorrow—we’re off to such and such a city for the year. We’re going to start a business and make a lot of money.” You don’t know the first thing about tomorrow. You’re nothing but a wisp of fog, catching a brief bit of sun before disappearing. Instead, make it a habit to say, “If the Master wills it and we’re still alive, we’ll do this or that.”

Reality or wishful thinking?

We have this hanging in our house. As our kids get older, I want to ask them to be honest and tell us if they feel these things are true in our home. I pray they are. I know we mess up often, but hopefully we will "fail forward." 

Confession and Prayer

As I start to share my story more, I realize how valuable relationships with other believers are to me. Not just "chit chat" but real, honest, transparent conversation. I have seen God work in amazing ways during recent conversations I've had with others. It has encouraged me deeply.

Honestly, some days I wonder how "transparent" should I be about my past. It's so counter-culture to be gut honest about the "sins of our past," isn't it? Even among Christians and churches you don't often hear people's confession of sin and how God pulled them out of a mess and into His life. Some churches do a great job at this and you see lots of growth and healing occur. Others who avoid such difficult issues usually die a slow death or become stagnant.

When I first got to New Albany, I felt a strong need to tell lots of people so I could get it off my chest. I felt like I was lying if I didn't tell them. Probably because it had been so public in Clinton. Maybe because I wanted them to know so they could decide if they wanted to be friends with me or not. Seems crazy looking back, but I guess it was still early in our recovery and we were in a new place. Lots of anxiety, uncertainty and healing left to go.

I don't feel quite so anxious about telling everyone I see. I do, however, want to share my story as I feel the Holy Spirit leads me to, and when I believe it will encourage the other person. Also, I feel a need to share it with the pastors I am meeting with about my counseling services. I want them to know up front what I have been doing for the past two years and about my past. That way, they can make a more informed decision about whether or not to refer their church members to me.

I have also been reminded that many people are struggling, but are doing so secretly. It is hard to suffer, but it is harder to suffer ALONE. I am amazed by some of the things people have experienced and been through. It is comforting in many ways to hear people's testimony and see what God has done in their life. It is also sad what some have been through and feel so ashamed by; afraid to tell others for fear of how they will respond.

Confession and prayer have become big components to my recovery. I didn't do it well at all prior to the "fallout" of 2011. I have learned that confession is healing but isn't easy. Confession is risky, difficult, counter culture, BUT it leads to healing and freedom. So why don't more of us do as James 5:13-20 says and confess our sins? I guess because we focus more on the risky and difficult parts of confession rather than on the freedom and healing parts.  Look at what James 5 says:

James 5:13-20 The Message (MSG) -Prayer to Be Reckoned With

^13-15 Are you hurting? Pray. Do you feel great? Sing. Are you sick? Call the church leaders together to pray and anoint you with oil in the name of the Master. Believing-prayer will heal you, and Jesus will put you on your feet. And if you’ve sinned, you’ll be forgiven—healed inside and out.

^16-18 Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. Elijah, for instance, human just like us, prayed hard that it wouldn’t rain, and it didn’t—not a drop for three and a half years. Then he prayed that it would rain, and it did. The showers came and everything started growing again.

^19-20 My dear friends, if you know people who have wandered off from God’s truth, don’t write them off. Go after them. Get them back and you will have rescued precious lives from destruction and prevented an epidemic of wandering away from God.

Look at what verse 16 says about confession, "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other SO THAT YOU CAN LIVE TOGETHER WHOLE AND HEALED." That's a huge benefit to living a life of confession and openness with other growing believers. Yes, confession is risky and you don't know what the outcome will be or what consequences may occur. Yes, it is painful, difficult and not the "norm" in our culture. BUT, it leads to healing and freedom, wholeness and truth, and is obeying what God calls us to do.

First confess to Christ, and then in relationship with other believers, confess to them. Not everyone is trustworthy with your "secrets" so pray for wisdom about who to share with and when, but at the end of the day, you have to trust God with the outcome and results. We are made for relationships. Sin thrives in darkness and secrecy. Don't suffer alone. Let others walk with you. 

Do I REALLY trust the LORD?

I am about to find out how much I trust the LORD, or not. Come August, I will be leaving my family electrical business and pursuing full-time counseling. For the past year, I have been counseling one to two days in Saltillo. For the past 11 years, I have done it part-time. Things are changing, though. I am pursuing it FULL time, for my livelihood, for the first time ever (since 2002).

I am excited and know God has led me to this point, but just typing that sentence and making it public knowledge triggers my anxiety! There's no pretending. I am taking a huge step of faith.

I am thankful for my dad and his "crew" at Rebel. He believed in me enough to bring me into the family business to learn it. He has provided for me and my family in so many ways. I have learned tons and am forever grateful. I know he's a bit sad and disappointed that he isn't passing it on to me. He wishes I would take over, and at first that was my plan. I have been "straddling the fence" for quite some time now, trying to decide if I wanted to pursue it or not. I finally made a decision. One that I feel is right, but is not easy.

I don't know why I am making it so complicated. I wish it wasn't a big deal. But to me, it is. I am slow to make big decisions, maybe because I feel a bit insecure, fear failure, fear not being able to provide for my family's financial needs, etc. After doing it a year here in North MS, I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt (well, maybe a small piece of doubt, ha) that God is leading me to it. He has confirmed it in so many ways, even recently.

There are lots of reasons I "shouldn't"  pursue counseling full-time:

• My past sin and moral failure
• The economy
• Uncertainty
• The licensing board
• Certain people's opinion

I acknowledge these reasons but refuse to let them decide my future. At the end of the day, I believe God is opening up the door for me to pursue full-time counseling. I don't know how, when, or how fast it will happen, but I have to trust His plan is best. No more settling for less.

I believe I have a message of hope to offer my clients, particularly in their marriage and in the lives of men. I feel more confident as a counselor than ever before because of what God has done and is doing in my life and marriage. I want to use my personal tragedy and moral failure FOR GOOD. I was tempted to give into despair in 2011, but God kept moving me away from shame and toward something positive. Only He can turn something so ugly into something beautiful. I know that I must keep doing my own recovery work if I am to remain faithful and growing as a follower of Christ, husband, counselor, father and friend.

August is probably one of the most expensive months of the year for us. Or, some years it has felt that way. I don't know if we will have enough money to pay all of our expenses, while remaining faithful to give to the church. When the bank account is low, will I trust? When money for bills isn't available on certain days, will I trust? When I have a slow week of client appointments, will I still trust?

I know I will have some anxious days and stress. I already have this summer and the past two years. In many ways I am starting my career over. It takes time to build a private practice and establish credibility, especially after such a fallout I experienced. Will I trust in the mean time? I know God is faithful, so will I rest in Him or give in to fear?

Last Sunday pastor Whit preached on Isaiah 36 and 37. Just what I needed to hear! Basically, King Hezekiah was facing defeat and all looked hopeless. There seemed to be "no way" he and his people would survive. So King Hezekiah laid before the LORD a letter full of threats that he had received from his enemy. Hezekiah pleaded to God for help and asked Him to intercede.

Isaiah 37:15-20 (The Message):

  ^15-20 Then Hezekiah prayed to God: “God-of-the-Angel-Armies, enthroned over the cherubim-angels, you are God, the only God there is, God of all kingdoms on earth. You made heaven and earth. Listen, O God, and hear. Look, O God, and see. Mark all these words of Sennacherib that he sent to mock the living God. It’s quite true, O God, that the kings of Assyria have devastated all the nations and their lands. They’ve thrown their gods into the trash and burned them—no great achievement since they were no-gods anyway, gods made in workshops, carved from wood and chiseled from rock. An end to the no-gods! But now step in, O God, our God. Save us from him. Let all the kingdoms of earth know that you and you alone are God.”

Guess what? The LORD answered his prayer and came through. Are we surprised that God can do what seems impossible? Sadly at times, yes. Skip over to Isaiah 37:33-38 (The Message): 

Finally, this is God’s verdict on the king of Assyria: “Don’t worry, he won’t enter this city, won’t let loose a single arrow, Won’t brandish so much as one shield, let alone build a siege ramp against it. He’ll go back the same way he came. He won’t set a foot in this city. God’s Decree. I’ve got my hand on this city to save it, save it for my very own sake, but also for the sake of my David dynasty."

Then the Angel of God arrived and struck the Assyrian camp—185,000 Assyrians died. By the time the sun came up, they were all dead—an army of corpses! Sennacherib, king of Assyria, got out of there fast, back home to Nineveh. As he was worshiping in the sanctuary of his god Nisroch, he was murdered by his sons Adrammelech and Sharezer. They escaped to the land of Ararat. His son Esar-haddon became the next king.

And the crowd goes wild!!!!!! The LORD did the unimaginable and gave victory to His people when there seemed to be no hope!!!! Surely I can trust a God who is capable of wiping out an army of 185,000 to help me provide for my family. Surely!!!!

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!!!!!

Still a work in progress

Even though I have experienced lots of personal changes these past two years, I still have a LONG way to go.
Occasionally, I still get...

• Impatient with my children
• Stressed over money and career direction
• Confused as to what God is up to 
• My feelings hurt
• Bothered by trivial things
• Bombarded by my past sin
• Fearful of failure
• Distracted by life and my circumstances
• Stuck in my pursuit of Christ
• Impatient with God's timing

I wish I could say these things never happen, but I would be lying if I did. I am WAY better about all of these struggles than I was our first 14 years of marriage, but that is not my standard. Jesus loves me the way I am, but loves me enough to continue pruning, sifting, and maturing me. I am typically "slow" when it comes to change, so He is very patient. I am grateful for that and for Him.

Change starts with me: To be a better husband, man, father, counselor and person in general, I have to work on me, and let God do His work in and through me. I want to be more loving, patient, kinder, forgiving, confident, giving, pure, wise, and honoring to God. That's my pursuit, my target.

I know I am going to mess up and "miss the mark" more often than I prefer. When I do, I hope to humbly bow before King Jesus and ask Him to forgive me, teach me, heal me, and restore me. The key then is to get right back up and keep pressing forward. I don't want to give in to defeat, shame, blame, negativity, pride or depression.

Recovery and the Christian life is destination, a pursuit, a journey, and a process. I want to enjoy it as much as possible and be found faithful as His servant. Apart from Christ I can do nothing.  

Proverbs 21:31 (The Message)

Do your best, prepare for the worst - then trust God to bring victory.

Asleep at the Wheel

As a family last night, we watched the movie, Courageous. What a tear-jerker! It gets me every time. It is a powerful, well done movie that hit me square in the eyes, while encouraging me, all at the same time. Amy said to me this morning, "I am surprised you didn't wake up with swollen eyes." Ha. I hate to admit I cried while watching a movie, but it's true.

For many years, I failed as a husband and father. I failed to take responsibility for myself, my wife, and my children. I failed to lead spiritually. I failed to stay faithful. I dropped the ball and "fell asleep at the wheel." It's a hard reality that causes me to feel deep regret and sadness. Thankfully, God has seen fit to pull me out of that "hole" and move me toward healthy change and restoration. It's a life-long process.

This morning I got out the book, The Resolution for Men, which was written by the same guys who produced the movie Courageous. It is a great book for men who wish to lead their family and stop neglecting their God-given calling, duty, and privilege. It's no easy task, but God can enable us as men to step up and lead. We need each other, a band of brothers, to do it, though.

Here is an exert from the book (chapter 1) that is a powerful reminder to men, particularly Christian men, who have to decide if we are going to step up or not:

...men often feel permission to be irresponsible, immature and carelessly neglect in their roles as husbands and fathers. In the meantime, they have placed their families in moral and spiritual danger, threatening their marriages, their children, and their faith. They don't realize that they can't have it both ways. 

As a result, the mothers of their children become the ones who (by default and necessity) are carrying the weight of the family on their shoulders in order to survive. These women are stressed out and longing for the man in their lives to wake up, rescue them, and grab the wheel again.

That's why before it's too late, we are sounding the call and asking men if they are awake at the wheel. Or more importantly, to see if they even realize they are in the driver's seat at all. God's word commands husbands and fathers to lovingly lead their homes. As men, we are to walk in honor and integrity and fully embrace our responsibilities as shepherds over our families. We are called to model a loving, Christlike example for our wives and children. 

Therefore - because this is God's calling - it's no mystery that a godless culture would mock and constantly undermine fatherhood, attacking and inverting what God designs and wants. Men are being told that they don't have the permission or responsibility to lead. But the culture is not your authority. God is. 

They go on to ask a series of questions to men that are "revealing questions:"

• Is your wife weary, worn out, and always feeling like she is carrying too much on her shoulders?
• Does your marriage lack clear direction, romance and true intimacy?
• Are your children, whether young or grown, emotionally distant from you and spiritually apathetic toward God?
• Is your own faith and spiritual condition weak or mediocre at best? 

A hard but sobering truth...

If your wife is calling all the shots in the family and has her hands on the wheel, then very likely it's because you have not. Regardless of what she does, God has intentionally placed you in the driver's seat and wants you to lead. You need her deeply, but leading is your God-ordained responsibility, not hers. 

I need to be reminded of these truths and God-given duties and commands. I have put too much on Amy in the past and neglected my responsibilities as a husband and father. No more. Enough!

It won't come without a fight, no doubt, but it is worth the struggle. I expect it to be difficult, to face some resistance, to feel overwhelmed and alone at times, and to have to overcome my past failures. Jesus is bigger, better and stronger than all of it, so "if God is for us, then who can be against us?"

**For the women, there is also a book for you, called, The Resolution for Women.

Our Part. God's Part.

Over the past two years, I have prayed for God's will daily because I am tired of messing up my life. I want to obey Him, and trust His ways are best, even when it seems uncertain of the outcome. Sin never takes away our pain; it only adds to it. More sin = more pain.

Failure at certain tasks, however, doesn't mean I was disobedient to God's will. Not all our plans are going to turn out like we hope. Jesus even said that "in this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world." Yes, He was mostly talking about persecution for our faith in Him, but I am guessing He meant that life is full of disappointments as well. Regardless, He is with us and we have victory in Him.

When temptation and trouble comes though, how will I respond? Will I stand firm and press on or give in to defeat? Perseverance produces character, maturity, and hope. Praying for wisdom to know when to surrender and when to press on is the tricky part.

At times, even when it seems hopeless, Jesus says, "Hang in there. I will rescue you in My time." Other times, He says, "Let go. I have something better for you. I will show you in My time." This is why throughout the proverbs in the Bible, it places such a high value on Wisdom; His Wisdom. It is why Solomon was so blessed. He prayed for the gift of wisdom, and his success and riches followed (though he wasn't without his major faults and sin).

I am learning that I have a small part to play, and God has a major part to play. He allows me the freedom to choose, but it's best if I let Him guide my decisions and life. What's interesting, though, is that it all starts and ends with Jesus. I can't obey without Him. I can't have faith without Him. I can't seek him on my own.

It's only through Christ that I can do anything. Therefore, my small part to play boils down to one word: Surrender (i.e. submit). I must surrender/submit to Him and decrease so that He may increase. The rest is in His hands if I will let Him do His work in and through me.

Our Small Part (i.e. responsibility)
Surrender to His Will, His Ways, His love, His life - Obey as He enables and leads

God's Major Part
Results - Blessings - Guidance - Love - Discipline - Salvation - Forgiveness - Sanctification

God is the unchanging, forever and always One, who created all things and holds all things together. We have the privilege of participating in His life, His work, and His fellowship with the Son and Holy Spirit. He invites us to join Him and blesses us with His life, His joy, His love, His faith, His freedom, His peace, and Himself. Nothing else matters at the end of day apart from this.

Here are some of the MANY words of wisdom from the proverbs (The Message version of the Bible).
Proverbs 16:1 
Mortals make elaborate plans, but God has the last word.

Proverbs 16:9 
We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it.

Proverbs 19:16
Keep the rules and keep your life; careless living kills.

Proverbs 19:20
Take good counsel and accept correction- that's the way to live wisely and well. 

Proverbs 19:21 
We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God’s purpose prevails.

Proverbs 20:18
Form your purpose by asking for counsel, then carry it out using all the help you can get.

Proverbs 20:27
God is in charge of human life, watching and examining us inside and out.

Proverbs 21:31
Do your best, prepare for the worst - then trust God to bring victory.

Adolesence = Adultery/Divorce Preparation?

I wish I could look back on my teenage years and remember it as a time of sexual purity and healthy dating relationships. It could have been a lot worse, but it isn't something I am proud of either. Though I went to church, I didn't make a profession of faith in Christ until my freshman year of college.

Sadly, I still didn't get full healing sexually and kept a lot of my baggage and shame hidden. I also didn't allow myself to have mature accountability partners who mentored me and held me to a higher standard of sexual purity. I also didn't take personal responsibility for getting the help I knew I needed. I regret that deeply. Unfortunately, it took a major life tragedy in my marriage to "wake me up" and finally get freedom from my bondage.

The teenage years can be a tough time, for many reasons. Unfortunately, it has gotten worse in our culture about being a time when teenagers are living and relating in ways that increases their chances of divorce and adultery. Exposure to pornography at their finger tips on Ipods, Ipads, computers, TV and more, and at very early ages is causing all sorts of chaos and problems.

Pre-teen "sex" parties. Naked pictures of themselves to each other through text messaging, InstaGram, Facebook, etc. Mulitiple sex partners, even if "just oral sex," as some groups have indicated. Or, they resort to anal sex, and still claim it's not "sex." This primes them for marital unfaithfulness and adultery.

Also, high emotional and sexual involvement = huge heartbreak when the relationship ends. If this is repeated, then it desensitizes them for divorce or creates fear and/or skepticism toward marriage. The more it happens, the less they have to offer their future spouse. To cope, many are giving up on the institution all together and avoiding marriage. God's plan for marriage and sexual purity is the best option and safeguards us from so much damage, if we would but listen and trust Him!

A majority of parents are either extremely uncomfortable, naive, or so busy that they are not taking an active role in their child's sexual purity and boundaries. Parents have farmed out their kids to every institution they can - schools, day cares, churches, ball teams, etc. Parents, even Christian ones, are so absorbed in the culture that it's getting harder and harder to know who is Christian and who is not. I have been guilty of this, myself. Not good!

Thankfully, not all teenagers are exposing themselves to such emotional, spiritual and sexual turmoil. What a gift they can give their future spouse when they remain sexually pure and guard their heart from repeated heart break and relationship failure.

More parents, including Amy and myself, are also realizing that the problem can't be ignored any longer. We have to protect our children and "fight" against the spiritual and cultural warfare at hand. Amy and I don't do this perfectly and are "failing forward" in our attempts to prepare our boys, and girl, for an onslaught of sexual temptation. In many ways, we are struggling to know what's best and pray desperately for wisdom.

It takes work. It is uncomfortable. It is scary. It is frustrating; and sad. But, Amy and I have a choice.  Are we going to ignore the problem and "hope" our children stay pure, or are we going to take seriously the responsibility given by God and intercede on their behalf? I hope we take the high road, even if we don't get a lot of support or guidance from other Christians.

Here's what we know to do so far...

1. PRAY desperately for our children - pray their hearts are open to God, that they love Christ with their whole heart, soul, mind, and strength, and they trust His ways are best and obey Him, even if they don't fully understand why.
2. Put boundaries in place FOR them while they are young -they have reminded us that their friends are allowed to do all sorts of things that they aren't. We understand this but have to do what's best for our family. It causes some static, but we pray for wisdom, strength and courage to do what's right. We tell them that when they are faithful in a little, then they will be allowed to have more responsibility. It's based on their maturity and ability to handle it; it's not an automatic right or privilege. It's not the "cool" approach but so what. 
3. Reduce shame - the last thing we want our children to feel is SHAME, at least unhealthy shame. We don't want them to equate sexuality with shame and condemnation. Yes, they will feel a bit of shame and guilt when they mess up, but with a proper perspective on Christ, they can confess, repent, be forgiven and put healthy boundaries back in place. How we handle their "mess ups" is very important. We want to respond gently, lovingly, yet firmly. It's a hard balance at times. 
4. Communicate openly - our children need us, their parents, to communicate with them about sexuality, purity, and God's plan for their lives. If Amy and I are uncomfortable, then it will hinder our ability to prepare our children well for sexual purity and wholeness. We want to be age-appropriate in what we share and not rely on just one "talk" to be enough. It's an ongoing relationship of guidance, love, encouragement, support and discipline. If they don't get it from us, then who knows what they will hear from their friends! We want to build a foundation in them that will at least create a decision point when faced with temptation.
5. Be involved - It's hard to influence someone when you rarely see them or spend quality, purposeful time with them. Therefore, we have to stop being so busy and distracted and take an active role in their development. It's not just about sexuality. It's about building a foundation in their hearts that helps them see themselves as loved, valued, and created by God for a purpose. We want them to have self-worth and self-respect, and treat God's temple with value. We want them to walk in Christ's freedom and joy and not believe the lies of the world. 

We can't guarantee how they will turn out, but we want to give them to God, while doing all we can to be a part of their lives. One key way we are doing this is through homeschooling. We are starting it this year and believe is the first big step in the right direction for guiding our children with purpose.
We definitely don't have this figured out but are on a mission to trust God's way are best and follow His leading. It's a process, a destination, that we want to approach head on and with full confidence that God is faithful and will enable us to fulfill His will.

Proverbs 20:7 (The Message)
"God-loyal people, living honest lives, make it much easier for their children."

Happy 6th Birthday, Claire!

Happy Birthday, Claire!I love you, my baby bop. I hope you have an awesome birthday!

Today is her 6th birthday. Wow! It's hard to believe. She's a sweet, joyful, tough little girl, who is growing up fast!

I am reminded today what I could have lost two years ago when all the junk came out. Had things turned out differently, the past two years would have been ROUGH! Not getting to live with Amy and my children, and having to see them much less frequently, living life at a distance - I can't fathom it. Thank God I don't have to!

I am not real sure how I would have done it. The thought of it scares me to death. I struggle to have to be gone from them even one day.  I can't comprehend it occurring on a daily basis. I feel for those who live that way.

Claire is one of the many blessings I have in my life, that I took for granted and put at risk for many years. Oh, Lord, thank you for not letting me destroy myself and for not giving me what I deserved. I am humbled and amazed. It's because of You I can be at home this morning, waiting on her to wake up so I can embrace her with a birthday hug.

Proverbs 14:26 (The Message)

The Fear-of-God builds up confidence,
    and makes a world safe for your children.

Surprised by answered prayers

Amy and I have prayed many prayers over the past two years. Some have been about survival of the crisis we have lived, while others have been about provision, direction, etc. What's funny is that even after all God has done for us, I still get surprised from time to time that He answers our prayers. Seems crazy, but I admit it's true.

There have been days that I have begged God to show up and do something. Other days I have prayed for the strength to wait on His provision. Other days I have laid before Him very "selfish" prayers concerning material things, etc. Amazingly, He always shows up.

He responds in one of three ways: Yes, No, or Wait. When He is silent, I have come to realize this is not necessarily a "No," but maybe a "Wait." His"Yes" may not appear exactly as I asked, which is good because I have such a limited perspective. My disclaimer is that if I pray something to God and He has something better in mind, then by all means, please give me Your best God!!

God doesn't get in as big a hurry as I prefer sometimes, so the time period between my request and His answer is a tough, but critical time of growth and trust. The last thing I want to do is get impatient and try to take matters in my own hands.

Reading through 1 and 2 Samuel, Saul did this often. He got tired of waiting on the LORD to answer and made decisions without God's direction. Many others did the same throughout Scripture. It never turned out well for them, but despite their consequences, God's faithfulness, grace, compassion, and mercy was right there with them.

Since January 2013, God has answered so many of our specific prayers, related to career, school, friendships, and other important decisions in our life. Even this week, He answered several prayers and showed up in ways that overwhelmed me with gratitude and excitement. It's remarkable and humbling that He sees fit to answer my prayers, or even bothers to.

Something Amy and I have learned over the past two years is that prayer is a privilege and is like oxygen. We desperately need it and want to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. We have come to realize that when we pray to the LORD, the time between our request and His answer is a critical time of growth, trust, excitement, difficulty, and faith building.

Amy and I still have "unanswered" prayer requests, but we are doing all we can to wait with joy and anticipation. We know He will answer in His time, which is always perfect. We can never say God has not been present in our lives - He has proven faithful over and over, time after time! That's what keeps us going strong and never giving up.

Expect God to answer your prayers - either with a yes, no or wait. Wait on Him. Trust His heart and promises, even when your emotions are screaming the opposite. Don't be surprised, though, when He answers You, even in ways that exceed what you were asking. Who knows, He may even throw some "surprises" in for you that make you laugh, and possibly cry, all at the same time. Man, He is so good.

Isaiah 40:31 (Holman Christian Standard Bible) (HCSB)

³¹ but those who trust in the Lord
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint.

No Room for Pride

Pride. It's an ugly thing. I know first hand. I have struggled with it most of my life. Thankfully, less than I used to prior to the "fall out of 2011," but I still have to give it to God daily and not let it fester in my own heart and mind.

Proverbs 16:17 (The Message) says it well, "First pride, then the crash - the bigger the ego, the harder the fall." 

I don't think that pride is always associated with arrogance and extreme selfishness, but the two often go together. I was prideful, yet deeply insecure. Therefore, some days I can't tell the difference - Am I being prideful or insecure and distrusting? Regardless, both need to be repented of and given over to God to change, remove, transform, and heal.

Now that I am aware of my tendency to drift toward pride, I am freer to admit that I struggle with it and can work on changing it. I hate pride, so some days I have trouble being around overly prideful people. Particularly those who either don't see it in themselves or stubbornly refuse to change. As the proverb says, a fall is coming one day. I hate it for that person, but like me, it is what some people need to get "woken" up.

Pride shows itself in many ways...

• Defensiveness
• Criticism of others
• Blame and victim minded 
• Refusal to admit they are wrong
• Bitterness and resentment
• Secrecy, Lies
• Have to be in charge and don't like to be told what to do
• Act as if others should "serve" them, regardless of how they act
• Entitlement thinking
• Negative
• Lack of trust in others but expects others to trust them 
• Has to get their way all the time
• And on and on

After I confessed to Amy that I had been unfaithful, pride was the last thing I needed to have. As I do my recovery work, pride is the last thing I need to have. There's no place for it. It will only hinder my growth as a Christ follower and lead to more relationship difficulties in my marriage, at work, at church, and really, everywhere.

Some men/women who confess to an affair and say they want to stay married, are truly repentant, humble, and sorry for what they have done. They keep up the hard work of recovery and don't resort to defensiveness and "rushing the process." However, there are many who initially respond well and seem sorry for their sin, but soon drift back toward pride.

Some examples are:

• Your husband or wife who was initially kind and gracious, suddenly starts pointing out your faults, expressing his/her list of disappointments in your marriage history, rather than taking full responsibility for his/her sin and giving you plenty of time to process the betrayal. 

• He/she gets overly impatient a few months into the recovery work and wonders why you are still bringing up the past/struggling so much.

• He/she gets defensive when you vent your frustrations instead of tending to his/her need for affection, despite the fact that it has been only a few months since you found out he/she has been unfaithful. Not to mention he/she has stopped tending to your needs or communicating openly as he/she did in the beginning of the recovery process. 

This is why I say, "your spouse's initial response in the beginning of the recovery process does not always determine how things will turn out OR how he/she will continue to respond (good or bad)." A patient, kind, attentive betrayed spouse in the beginning, may move into the anger phase and demand answers and struggle emotionally. A year later, one of you has a very "dark" day and is overwhelmed with painful memories that sends you spiraling into an emotional fog. Two years later you run into one of the women your husband had an affair with and suddenly feel nauseated and angry, all over again.

You see, recovery is lifelong. Things can get progressively less intense (assuming you have done the hard work early in the recovery process), but it's a daily decision to do the work or not. Pride has no place if you want long-term connection and healing. Healing from adultery is an 18 to 24 month INITIAL process, followed by a lifetime of sanctification, pruning, healing, accountability, and marital connection and growth.

During that two year period, and especially afterwards, you can look back at your marriage history and see how you both contributed to the problems in your marriage. It's not your fault that your spouse cheated, but it is an awareness and reminder that neither of you want to go back to the way things were BEFORE the affair(s).

Going back to the way things way were before would be insane. You need to learn from your marriage history so that you can move forward and make things BETTER, different, and more fulfilling, satisfying, and God-honoring. Pride will not allow this to happen. Rushing the healing process will not allow this to happen. Blame, resentment, unforgiveness, and even denial won't allow this to happen.

Let God do the hard work in you, even if it HURTS LIKE _____________. Don't give in to pride, fear, or the pain. Walk through it!!!!! God is the hero of your story! Let Him do something miraculous and amazing! Don't give up!!!

Heal the wound. Leave the scar.

I heard a song last year that really made an impact on me. It seems there have been lots of songs the past two years that God has spoken to me through. Music has a way of touching our souls like nothing else.

The song was "Heal the Wound," by Point of Grace. The song speaks volumes about my struggle to heal and recover, but never forget what God has done despite my sin and failure. Look at the lyrics from the song. Heal the wound, leave the scar; what a prayer to pray that is so powerful. I am thankful that God sees fit to heal me yet leave my scar. May I never forget His goodness and to "taste and see that the Lord is good." Thank you, Jesus.

Point of Grace - Heal the Wound 
I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

a reminder of how merciful, how merciful you are
I am broken torn apart, take the pieces of this
heart, and heal the wound but leave the scar,
leave the scar

Settled for 2nd

My senior year of high school, we were the defending state cross country champions. Our team was supposed to win again that year. We were even nationally ranked. Not bad for a bunch of young men from Mississippi. We were a tough (and very skinny) group of runners. One of our teammates was likely to win the whole race. Me and another teammate were ranked high up too.

The race started out in a typical fashion. My teammate sprinted to the front of the pack. I typically eased into a pace and worked my way to the front. Well, this particular race between mile 2 and 3 (it was a 3.1 mile race), I found myself in 2nd place. I looked ahead and knew who was in 1st, though I couldn't see him. I looked back and saw no one either. I had not expected this sort of scenario, especially in the state meet.

During my high school career, I had never felt good enough to beat my teammate. In my mind, if I could hang on to the top five places, then I would be doing good. At that point in the race, I had a decision to make. Would I push to try to catch up with my teammate in 1st place, or hang on to 2nd place. Sadly, I settled for 2nd. Don't get me wrong, 2nd place in the state meet is great, especially with one of the top four finish times overall that year (Classes 1A to 5A).

However, when I finished the race, I found out some good, yet disturbing news. I discovered that I finished behind the winner by less than 1 minute, maybe even less than 30 seconds. My teammate had a bad race due to not feeling well, but since I never saw him, I never tried to catch him. I was feeling great physically, but I had settled mentally with defeat, at least against him. Our team won the championship that day. We had top finishers in 1st, 2nd, 5th, 7th, 9th and 11th. Amazing. We were very excited, but a part of me really struggled with my personal defeat of giving in and "settling."

One of my life metaphors has been that far too often I have settled for less than God's best. My life hasn't been a complete disaster, since I am blessed with an amazing family, friends, etc. But, on numerous occasions, I have let fear, insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, impatience, selfishness, a lack of perseverance, and a weak sense of purpose hinder my ability and willingness to trust God's plans.

It's really quite annoying and disturbing. So, at age 38 in a new city, two years after a major marriage and personal tragedy, and starting over in my career in many ways, I am at a crossroads once again, some 20 years after that championship race. Will I settle for a good, decent life, or will I push for more (i.e. God's best) and not let personal failure hold me back?

Wearing an invisible A has heightened my tendency to "settle." Shame, regret, failure, betrayal - all of these things could hold me back if I let them. However, none of those thoughts and feelings are worth holding on to. Amy and my children deserve more; better. God's name deserves more; better. Putting my stubbornness and determination to work in my favor is worthwhile.

As Dave Ramsey says so well, "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired." I just finished reading a great book that has sparked my desire to NOT SETTLE. It is called, "Rhinoceros Success," by Scott Alexander. It is short, and to the point, but packs a punch. It spoke to me, like many books in the past, but I am at a different place in my life - a place that allows me to hear it, and hopefully take to heart.

Therefore, I say, "Enough settling. No more! "Lord, set me free. No matter what obstacles come my way, may I never settle for less than Your best. Fill me, change me, strengthen me, transform me, and do for me that which I am unable to do. Make a way when there seems to be no hope."

1 Corinthians 2:9 (NLT)

That is what the Scriptures mean when they say:

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him.

The DNA of Relationships

Probably one of the most difficult statements Amy has ever said to me, not too many years ago (pre-2011 fall out), was that I was "borderline verbally abusive." We had been in an argument of some kind, and I was being defensive as usual. I have never hit her or even yelled loudly at her (I hope), but my tone, defensiveness, anger, blame, and unwillingness to take responsibility for my part in the marriage was uncalled for.

It infuriated me to be called "borderline abusive." I don't even remember what I said in response to her. I didn't feel abusive but compared to how our marriage is now, it was definitely a major problem. I failed in so many ways as her husband. I am still amazed that Amy has stuck with me!  She is truly amazing. I love her deeply and wish I could undo so many years of betrayal, neglect, defensiveness, and loneliness.

Looking at where Amy and I are today in our marriage, it's a miracle. Period. When we went to Branson, MO to the National Institute of Marriage (2011), they walked us through their marriage material called, "The DNA of Relationships" by Gary Smalley (2004). Our therapist Dr. Robert Paul, aka Bob, wrote a majority of the material. It is excellent material, very effective, encouraging and insightful.

This week I started listening to the audio version of the book. Man, is it good. It is not just for marriage. It is for all relationships you find yourself in. As they say, "It's all about relationships. The rest is just details."

Powerful truths that I need to apply and be reminded of are:

• Miracles can happen and God can save your marriage. This is a powerful truth. Sadly, not all marriages are saved, even those who go to the intensives, but with their 93% success rate, they are making a huge difference in many couples' lives!

• Change starts with me. I can't change or control my spouse. I can influence him/her, but I need to look inward and take ownership of my "stuff." Blame is pointless and destructive.

• The external issues (i.e. money, work, etc) are rarely the problem. They trigger the problem, which is usually something internal, such as core fears of rejection, inadequacy, etc. 

• We all have core fears. When these are triggered, i.e. our buttons get pushed, then we go through a cycle called the Fear Dance: We feel hurt. That indicates our Wants. Our fears get triggered. Then, we react. Our reactions often trigger the other persons fears/buttons. Then, we enter the Fear Cycle Dance and round and round we go. 

• To be the husband/wife I need to be, I need to take care of myself. They call it "Self-Care." I don't need to put all the pressure onto my spouse to meet my needs. I need to pursue my own walk with Christ, read all I can, study, pray, eat right, exercise, etc. This enables me to be a better dad, husband, etc.

• Change occurs between your ears. Our thoughts control our feelings and reactions. Therefore, change must occur in how we think. If we think negatively, then we will feel and respond negatively. If you want to change how you react, then "take every thought captive unto obedience of Christ" and "be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

These are just a few of the truths found in the materials. If you want to have more satisfying, fulfilling relationships, then start listening to the audio or read the book and apply it to your life. Living in a state of blame and wondering when others are going to "get their act together" and "stop treating me so badly" won't change things. Giving in to hopelessness and despair won't either.

There is hope, help, and healing available. Pursue it with all your might and pray that God comes through and does "far more than you could ever believe or imagine!"

One Year Ago...

One year ago, we loaded up the moving truck and headed out of Clinton toward North MS. We had been there since 1993; 19 years. Now, we were heading to a place that was unfamiliar, and toward a future that we were hopeful about but unsure where it would take us.

Two things that made it easier for us to move was: (1) We felt led by God, and (2) We were together, as a family. That was enough to give us the courage to leave and go. Though we had some fear and anxiety, we felt peace and excitement.

New Albany represents a new chapter in our lives. It already feels like home to me in many ways. It has so much to offer us as we continue our journey of healing. God has been very present and active in and around us from day one. His grace and blessings toward me, and us, is so amazing and humbling. How could He be so good to us after what I have done?

Because His love is not based on my behavior. That's good to know. His blessings may be tied to obedience, but His love is not. He is slow to anger, quick to forgive, and full of mercy and compassion. I have witnessed this truth repeatedly this past year more than ever.

So much has happened since we got to New Albany. We have been blessed over and over and have so many great memories, just one year later. I wish I could list them all. Great friends, church, great coaches and teammates for our boys, a beautiful home with great potential, family land 35 minutes away, a growing career for both of us, and so many great experiences that "country living" has to offer.

One of my favorite quotes over the years has been, "The will of God will never lead you to a place where His grace cannot sustain you." We are living this truth. My cup is overflowing with gratitude and amazement in who God is and what He has done.

I don't know what all the next year will hold for us here in North MS, but I know God is faithful, is good, and will never leave us or forsake us. He can be trusted, so that's what I want to do - full, relentless, trust and pursuit of Him.

The results are up to Him and are in His hands. "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!" Come holy spirit! Lead me and do for me that which I am unable to do!!!

Beware of Cutting Corners

After my first year of recovery (July/August 2012) and much prayer, I felt led to start back counseling once we moved to North MS. When things first came out, though, I said I would never again work in a church setting or do counseling. God seemed to have other plans for me, at least for now in regards to counseling.

Once we moved, I started counseling with two conditions:

1. I would report to my marriage and family therapy licensing board what I had done.
2. I would not counsel females alone in therapy; only men, couples and families. 

In May 2012, I sent my licensing board a letter of confession stating what I had done. I have been working with them for over a year now regarding my licensing status, etc. I also have stuck to my commitment of not counseling females alone in therapy (with the exception of two sessions where the husband and wife were splitting up, and I saw each of them individually twice).

I feel compelled to share this information on this blog post because I am sure some people are "skeptical" and think it's wrong of me to be counseling again. Had I not received such clear direction from God, I would agree with them.

I am honored to be counseling and actually enjoy it more than ever. Though I have done awful things, I don't feel like such a hypocrite anymore. My secret is out, I am doing lots of recovery work on myself and my marriage, and I feel like I have more to offer my clients. For the first ten years of doing counseling, I did not have such peace and clarity.

The couples who I feel most able to help are those who come to me for adultery recovery. Though every situation has very different details, many of their feelings and recovery steps are similar. Seeing their pain keeps me humble, aware of how my sin has hurt others, and enables me to pass on the things God has taught me over the past two years.

One of the greatest gifts I believe I can give my clients is HOPE. No matter how difficult things get for couples facing adultery, I believe there is hope. God CAN do something miraculous and amazing. Sadly, many couples don't get to experience it, and bail on the recovery process. Some also do themselves a disservice by rushing the process or skipping key steps.

BEWARE OF CUTTING CORNERS
One thing I have noticed over and over with couples who are facing recovery is that they are tempted to cut corners. Every couple facing adultery experiences deep, intense pain. However, for the ones who get to feel an instant "re-connecting," there is a sense of excitement, closeness and affection that had been missing for YEARS. They know there is much to talk about and do, but it feels good to be getting along and attending to each other for the first time in a long time.

"Rocking the boat" a few weeks into their recovery by asking hard questions that may potentially cause conflict isn't something they want to do. It feels good to be doing so well, so early in the process. When couples are at this point in their journey (possibly weeks or months after it all came out), they face a major crossroad/point of decision: "Do we do the hard work of recovery and get all the junk out OR sweep it under the rug and move forward without really "rehashing old wounds?"

If I can offer a bit of wisdom here that we have learned, then it is this: DON'T CUT CORNERS BY RUSHING THROUGH THE HEALING PROCESS!!! Short-term "comfort" (i.e. avoidance) now will delay your healing and long-term growth and recovery. Instead, walk through the short-term pain, possibly brutal pain, and aim for LONG-TERM, full healing! I promise you it is worth it. Amy and I are a testimony to that!

The longer you go without dealing with the pain, lies, betrayal, etc, the harder it will be on your marriage. And I believe the lower your chances will be of sticking together and/or thriving long-term.

Here's a thought: You wouldn't want your home builder to cut corners when building your new dream home would you? So don't in your recovery!!!

There are many steps to the recovery process that may not be clear when facing such a brutal marriage crisis, but the main thing to keep in mind is DON'T RUSH THE PROCESS! Walk through the pain, as long as it takes, whatever it takes.
  
"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."  
Philippians 1:6 (New American Standard Bible ©1995)

Ignore Correction and You're Lost for Good

Below is a link to a great article and resource from John Miller's website (and book) called "QBQ." It has inspired me, challenged me, and stretched me since reading the book less than two years ago. I NEED and WANT personal accountability. Sadly, though, I spent too many years without it and didn't allow others to help me in my "sanctification" journey. I got caught up in a web of lies and self-destruction.

Proverbs 10:17 (The Message) says it well, "The road to life is a disciplined life; ignore correction and you're lost for good." 

Before my "fall out" I definitely ignored correction and was even defensive about it. I was not a pleasant person to be around in many ways. The dark sin I was hiding was oozing out, though I worked very hard to hide it and deny it. In my recovery journey, QBQ has become very important to me. I need to be reminded that...

CHANGE STARTS WITH ME

I don't want to get bogged down by all the bad things that I have done and resort to shame, insecurity, blame or complaining. If I am not happy with how things are going in my life, etc., then I need to ask, "What can I do to make a difference? What do I need to stop doing and start doing, TODAY? What is my role and responsibility in my healing and recovery?"

This type of thinking doesn't come naturally to me, so I have to work at it. The question I have had to ask myself honestly for the past two years, "Do I trust Christ or not?" Many days I don't. I am tired of giving up, giving in, and giving out. I want to reach my full potential and become the man He created me to be. I can't do this alone. I need others to hold me accountable and walk with me. I want to do that for others as well.

Enjoy the message of QBQ and hopefully apply this truth into your life today:

Accountability - Bringing a Coach Into My Life 

PS - I give the Christian brothers in my life "complete freedom to provide me candid input without fear of defensiveness and recrimination on my part."

Wisdom = Life

I have been praying for various things this year, but this week, I have realized what I need to pray for most is WISDOM. Proverbs 8 and 9 re-opened my eyes and reminded me of this valuable truth.

Proverbs 8:35-36 (The Message) concludes by saying, "When you find me, you find life, real life, to say nothing of God's good pleasure. But if you wrong me, you damage your very soul; when you reject me, you're flirting with death." For the whole chapter, click here. It's worth reading and applying for sure.

Throughout my life, I have been so foolish in lots of ways. I am tired of creating more problems in my life than necessary. Instead of making decisions out of selfishness, pride, fear, desperation, and ignorance, I want to make decisions based on God's wisdom. The outcome is way better. 

I need desperately wisdom as a ...

• Father
• Husband
• Leader of my home
• Child of God
• Counselor
• Friend
• Son

I need wisdom on how to ...

• Spend money, save money, give money
• Market my services
• Build a career (here in a new place)
• Forgive
• Serve
• Witness to the lost
• Live a life of purpose
• Discipline
• Be mentored and mentor others
• Stay pure and avoid temptation
• And more!

WISDOM. WISDOM. WISDOM. It comes from God and leads to life.

Got money problems? Pray for wisdom.
Got marriage problems? Pray for wisdom.
Got parenting troubles? Pray for wisdom.
Struggling with temptation and purity? Pray for wisdom.
Need direction in your job/career? Pray for wisdom.
Feel lost, confused? Pray for wisdom.
Need anything whatsoever? Pray for wisdom.

My desire is to wake up each day and pursue Christ and His wisdom. Through Christ, we will find life. Seek Him first. Pray for His wisdom to fill you. Trust it's best and leads to life. That's what I am clinging to! I must decrease so He can fill me up!

"Mark a life of discipline and live wisely; don't squander your precious life. Blessed the man, blessed the woman, who listens to me, awake and ready for each morning, alert and responsive as I start my day's work. When you find me, you find life, real life, to say nothing of God's good pleasure." verses 32-35

Walk Through the Pain

Before and during my affairs, I had emotionally distanced myself from Amy and from the feelings I was having while living in sin. I was miserable. I didn’t want to spend time thinking about how awful I was behaving. I worked hard NOT to think about how devastating it would be to my wife and kids, about the risks I was taking, or about the spiritual damage I was doing to myself, my relationship with God, and hundreds of people, such as kids, families, unbelievers, and the community. 

This denial of my guilt and shame only led me to take my sinful choices deeper and more damaging. Had I come clean before my affair started, I could have prevented so much damage from occurring. One person hurt by my sin is one too many – to add hundreds, maybe even thousands is a hard pill to swallow. 

I, like David in the Bible did before being confronted, initially tried to hide my sin and keep it from being exposed (see Psalm 32). My last few weeks at the church were about damage control. I knew I was about to be busted but worked hard to defuse the rumors that were flying around. I also tried to transition out of the church and resign BEFORE it all went down. It didn’t work out that way. I was busted and couldn’t deny it or hide it any longer. 

When all this "junk" got exposed, I felt a wide range of emotions. Also, during the past two years, we have ridden the roller coaster ride of emotions that fluctuate between hope and deep sadness. The last few months it has been less intense of a ride, though there have been low points that occur from time to time. Prayer and dependence on Christ is crucial to our ability to endure this process well. 

Numbing the pain, denying it exists, avoiding it, refusing to face it, etc. will not make it go away. As my friend told me in the beginning of my recovery, "Walk through the pain." That's what we have tried to do from day one. There have been days where we haven't wanted to, but God has been faithful to carry us and sustain us. 

I put together this chart of some common emotions that we have experienced during this process. Many of them are common in life in general. Some are helpful, while others can keep you stuck in bondage. First acknowledging them and trying to understand them is a good first step. Next, it helps to see which ones are from God and which ones are the lies of the evil one. 

Letting yourself feel them and then entrusting them to God is key. Let His Holy Spirit be your comforter and source of strength and wisdom. Your emotions can lead you astray. Therefore, resting in His truth rather than your emotions will enable you to "test and approve God's will; his perfect and pleasing will."

Difficult Emotions You May Experience	Emotions to Guard Against (Particularly if you are the betrayed spouse)	Positive, Beneficial Emotions
Shame/Guilt Lost/Confused Alone/Lonely Anger Foolish/Embarrassed Sad/Depressed/Numb Paranoid/Anxious/Fearful Distracted Clingy/Needy Vulnerable Trapped Manipulated/Used Broken/Messed Up Crazy/Abnormal Isolated/Withdrawn Distrusting Insecure/Inadequate Hypocritical	Hopeless Bitterness Resentment Hate/Hatred Contempt Vengeful Defensiveness Despair Forsaken Disgusted Wrathful Blame/Victim Spite Entitled Incompetent	Hope Relief, Freedom Acceptance Gratitude Courage Compassion Support Direction/Purpose Accountable Concern/Care for Others Faith Love Perseverance/Patience Joy Peace Patience Self-control