This is a powerful video by John Eldridge. Man, I wish I would have been humble and brave enough as a young adult to let older men invest in me, rather than going solo and off the deep end.
This 4 to 5 minute video is incredible.
Killing Lions and Older Men
For years, I kept my secret sins hidden until God busted them wide open in 2011. God used my public and private confessions to begin my healing and redemption. I learned that what happens behind closed doors at home, the church, the office, and everywhere else can "make or break us." God works in the Light (1 John 1:5)while evil thrives in darkness/secrecy (Ephesians 5:8-13). This is a blog about my journey.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Camp and A Long Lost Passion
Amy and I just got back from a week of camp, with our two boys and their children's ministry group. It was an incredible experience - for many reasons. It awoke a passion in me for children's ministry that has been stalled and dormant for many years. In 2011, I honestly never expected to get the opportunity (or to even want to), do camp or anything related to children's ministry. I also never thought I would be worthy or able to do it.
I don't fully know what to do with this new found passion (or long lost passion). I have moments of fear and regret that swarm me due to my awful past. At the same time, I have feelings of excitement, humility, and gratitude that God is still working in me. I don't know where this will lead, but I am praying that God will guide it, bless it, protect it, and be honored in it - whatever "it" is or could become.
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Galatians 5:1
I don't fully know what to do with this new found passion (or long lost passion). I have moments of fear and regret that swarm me due to my awful past. At the same time, I have feelings of excitement, humility, and gratitude that God is still working in me. I don't know where this will lead, but I am praying that God will guide it, bless it, protect it, and be honored in it - whatever "it" is or could become.
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Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set you free; therefore do not be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Monday, June 23, 2014
"Whine without ceasing?"
There is a Bible verse that says to "pray without ceasing" or "pray about everything." I pray often, but lately I believe my praying has turned to whining, sadly. I don't like it when my children whine, but I do it to God. Not cool. Not fun to admit. Humble pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.There is another verse that says "by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God." The words, "with thanksgiving," are important to note. Whining comes from fear, selfishness, self-pity, doubt, despair, confusion, entitlement, and ungratefulness. These things fade away when my heart is full of faith, hope, and gratitude, and is grounded in His truth and my enjoyment of Him.
This week I want my prayers to start shifting. I want to pray for the Lord to show me more of Himself, not just answer my prayers of relief, guidance, provision, or career. I want to enjoy HIM, not just what He can do for me. I want to hang out with Him, talk to Him, listen to Him, and even laugh with Him. Enough whining. He knows my heart, He knows my needs, and He is good. He will never leave me nor forsake me. It's a secure relationship, with a loving Father, who corrects, disciplines, guides, comforts, leads, and loves.
What a difference my life would look like if I learned to laugh with Jesus and desire to know Him more personally, more deeply, and more freely.
That way, when life gets overwhelming and my emotions are screaming out in despair and fear, I will naturally run to Him and find joy and peace, rather than panic and doubt. I had to confess and repent again this morning. Thankfully His mercies are new every morning. Lord knows I need His mercy every day. I am sure tomorrow, or soon, I will drift back to doubt and fear and "whine." The good thing is that He is gracious. Man, He is truly a "friend of sinners."
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Idols
It has been nearly 33 months since our "recovery" started; the day of our marriage earthquake. And, we both still have days and weeks that can be overwhelming, cause deep sadness, and seem too much to bear. However, when we aren't in these "funks," things are great. The fact that Amy and I are closer than ever in our marriage is continually a humbling and amazing truth. We haven't "arrived" but are grateful.We don't ever want to settle for less than God's best.
I just came out of yet another three+ week funk. I had days I begged God for relief, while recognizing that things could get and/or be worse (though I pray it doesn't come to that). I don't like to discuss why things are so hard, so I will just sum it up - God is showing me that my heart has an idol of false security and a false sense of identity. He is graciously tearing them down and stripping me of their lies. As I told a Christian brother on the phone the other day, "This is hard as hell, but I am thankful for it since I believe God is doing it for a greater purpose." I was being honest. It is TOUGH, but I need it. I have wasted too much of my life to keep going back to what is "familiar." I am tired of "same ole, same ole."
"Why is God stripping me of my idols and disciplining me?" It's a good question that I often ponder. Another question, maybe even a better one, is "How can I still have idols on my heart?" That seems crazy after what we've been through. As Nacho Libre says, "Let's get down to the nitty gritty." The deep, core issues of my heart still need to be addressed and healed. My Heavenly Papa is good and refuses to let me walk in darkness. I have to trust His heart and character and truth. I admit my emotions run rampant and wreak havoc on my joy and peace. My soul cries out for relief, while trying to honor Him with my thoughts and deeds. He gently walks with me and comforts me, even if in small, subtle ways.
When I tell guys who are facing the adultery recovery journey how hard things need to be, are going to be, and must be (since God's discipline and consequences aren't meant to be easy), they often get confused, disheartened, and maybe even think I am being negative. I may overload them with too much information, but I feel compelled to warn them and plead with them to be mindful of it and fully submit to God's way.
When our fallout happened, I needed to feel the weight of my sin and the pain I caused Amy and many others. Nearly three years later, I still need to walk through the painful journey of healing, while letting God transform my heart and mind daily. I am frequently reminded of God's amazing grace. The fact that I have a story to tell where He is the hero is no small thing. If He never answers another prayer of ours, then everything He has done should be sufficient. I hope I never forget that.
I just came out of yet another three+ week funk. I had days I begged God for relief, while recognizing that things could get and/or be worse (though I pray it doesn't come to that). I don't like to discuss why things are so hard, so I will just sum it up - God is showing me that my heart has an idol of false security and a false sense of identity. He is graciously tearing them down and stripping me of their lies. As I told a Christian brother on the phone the other day, "This is hard as hell, but I am thankful for it since I believe God is doing it for a greater purpose." I was being honest. It is TOUGH, but I need it. I have wasted too much of my life to keep going back to what is "familiar." I am tired of "same ole, same ole."
"Why is God stripping me of my idols and disciplining me?" It's a good question that I often ponder. Another question, maybe even a better one, is "How can I still have idols on my heart?" That seems crazy after what we've been through. As Nacho Libre says, "Let's get down to the nitty gritty." The deep, core issues of my heart still need to be addressed and healed. My Heavenly Papa is good and refuses to let me walk in darkness. I have to trust His heart and character and truth. I admit my emotions run rampant and wreak havoc on my joy and peace. My soul cries out for relief, while trying to honor Him with my thoughts and deeds. He gently walks with me and comforts me, even if in small, subtle ways.
When I tell guys who are facing the adultery recovery journey how hard things need to be, are going to be, and must be (since God's discipline and consequences aren't meant to be easy), they often get confused, disheartened, and maybe even think I am being negative. I may overload them with too much information, but I feel compelled to warn them and plead with them to be mindful of it and fully submit to God's way.
When our fallout happened, I needed to feel the weight of my sin and the pain I caused Amy and many others. Nearly three years later, I still need to walk through the painful journey of healing, while letting God transform my heart and mind daily. I am frequently reminded of God's amazing grace. The fact that I have a story to tell where He is the hero is no small thing. If He never answers another prayer of ours, then everything He has done should be sufficient. I hope I never forget that.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Self-Centeredness
I am slowly working through the book, The Meaning of Marriage, by Timothy and Kathy Keller. It has some great insights to marriage, from a Christian and Biblical mindset. The ongoing search to understand how to best lead and love Amy and my children as called by God is getting clearer and clearer the more I read and study. Putting it all into practice is still a challenge, but I hope to keep striving and "failing forward."
Ephesians 5:21 says to, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." and Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her." Keller says that a big problem that usually keeps marriages stuck is self-centeredness. I can attest to that, since I lived way too many years with a negative, prideful, selfish, insecure mindset. I still can't believe Amy stuck with me all those years, and then still sticks with me despite what I put her through. Her love and faith never ceases to amaze me. She inspires me to keep letting God tear me down, so He can build me into the man, husband and father my family wants and needs.
Look at these words Keller wrote in chapter two that sums up solid truth about the key to a thriving, Godly marriage, and a remedy for self-centeredness:
Ephesians 5:21 says to, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." and Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her." Keller says that a big problem that usually keeps marriages stuck is self-centeredness. I can attest to that, since I lived way too many years with a negative, prideful, selfish, insecure mindset. I still can't believe Amy stuck with me all those years, and then still sticks with me despite what I put her through. Her love and faith never ceases to amaze me. She inspires me to keep letting God tear me down, so He can build me into the man, husband and father my family wants and needs.
Look at these words Keller wrote in chapter two that sums up solid truth about the key to a thriving, Godly marriage, and a remedy for self-centeredness:
Self-centeredness by its very character makes you blind to your own while being hypersensitive, offended, and angered by that of others. The result is always a downward spiral into self-pity, anger, and despair, as the relationship gets eaten away to nothing.I want this to be my mindset. I pray that God enables me and Amy to live this out daily. What a powerful reminder of the meaning of marriage according to God's economy.
But the gospel, brought home to your heart by the Spirit, can make you happy enough to be humble, giving you an internal fullness that frees you to be generous with the other even when you are not getting the satisfaction you want out of the relationship. Without the help of the Spirit, without a continual refilling of your soul's tank with the glory and love of the Lord, such submission to the interests of the other is virtually impossible to accomplish for any length of time without becoming resentful. I call this "love economics." You can only afford to be generous if you actually have some money in the bank to give. In the same way, if your only source of love and meaning is your spouse, then anytime he or she fails you, it will not just cause grief but a psychological cataclysm. If, however, you know something of the work of the Spirit in your life, you have enough love "in the bank" to be generous to your spouse even when you are not getting much affection or kindness in the moment..
To have a marriage that sings requires a Spirit-created ability to serve, to take yourself out of the center, to put the needs of others ahead of your own. The Spirit's works of making the gospel real to the heart weakens the self-centeredness in the soul. It is impossible for us to make major headway against self-centeredness and move into a stance of service without some kind of supernatural help.
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