Another Milestone

What a summer! Amy and I had, as I have said recently, one of the hardest summers of our marriage. It got so low, that both of us wondered if we could take much more. Well, despite my lack of belief and even some highly unpleasant prayers and "petitions," God came through. I don't know why I doubted, but He didn't let that stop Him. He also spoke to Amy last week on numerous occasions through various people and situations. He is very present and involved, even when we struggle to see Him. I stand in awe of Him today.

Three years ago today, I stood up in front of a church of 600+ in attendance and resigned from my position as minister to children. What an overwhelming, humbling, humiliating, and difficult experience that started the healing process. Three years later, I am still praying about lots of concerns, and we are still working through the healing process. However, Amy and I are very much in love and our friendship is deeper than ever before. Only God can do something like that. We sure don't take the credit for it.

We both still have concerns and a "wish" list of what we would like to see happen in our life, but overall we are grateful and seeing God's hand at work. I still have a long way to go, but I hope and pray that I have allowed God to have His way with my heart and life to this point. I don't want to stop abiding in Him, stop growing, stop maturing, or stop seeking Him and His wisdom.
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Philippians 1:3-6,The Message (MSG)

Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God’s Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.

Three Years Ago...

Today is the three year anniversary of our marriage earthquake. What was evil and deeply hurtful, God has used for good. It is a day that represents both darkness and freedom. The dark days are getting further away, though we still hit lows and valleys. They are lows and valleys that are about spiritual and emotional pruning that challenge us greatly, but God has strengthened us each time we got through it. 

Amy and I are closer than ever. God enabled us to experience more joy over the past week than we have in a while. Today was a stressful day with work and life's "to-do's" but we are still celebrating. I did not get to see or talk to Amy like I hoped today due to work, etc, but I am still overflowing with gratitude. God spoke to her and me last week in POWERFUL ways. He's good. The week before I had hit such a low place spiritually that I wasn't sure I would come out of it. What a mighty God we serve.

We aren't over "IT" but God is getting us THROUGH it. 

3 S's

I am finally (hopefully) ending my three month (or even three year) pity party. I have gone through the valley and am thankful it didn't get worse before God broke through my despair. Yesterday I was talking to a guy  who has similar struggles as me and realized that each day I have to fight against 3 S's that contradict God's truth and keep me stuck:

• Self-Hatred (Shame)
• Self-Pity (Despair)
• Self-Righteousness (Pride)

None of these emotions or beliefs lead to freedom, joy, peace, action, or obedience in Christ. When I hit bottom this summer, the first two S's were very present in my mindset and thinking. Instead of getting energized to work out of the "funk," I got de-energized and depressed. Until I surrendered to God and let Him fill me up with His delight, I remained stuck and was moving into more hopelessness and despair.

I realized that I didn't like myself or who I had been much of my life and who I was becoming. I let my past define who I was. I let my past determine how my future would be. That led to more self-hatred, anger, sadness, and self-pity.

Thank God for His relentless pursuit of us when we are "lost." He will not leave us in the far country, at least not for long. He is a good Shepherd. A good Father. An ever present help in our time of need.

As I was running this morning, I realized a powerful truth about the journey Amy and I have been on for the past three years, especially this very difficult summer. This thought came to my mind...

If God has walked with us through the deepest of valleys and has been with us each step of the way, then He will certainly be with us when we are on the mountain top.

When you hit bottom and can experience the love and grace of God, then your perspective can be radically changed. You no longer feel forsaken when you experience God's grace and presence in your darkest hours of life. This is what has happened to Amy and me. In some ways, it is still "raining" and the circumstances we are facing still exist, but something changed in our perspective. We have both wrestled with God this summer and walked away with a limp but also received a huge blessing.

Our marriage has survived yet another season of tremendous difficulty and witnessed the power of God on an even deeper level. Just when we thought we couldn't take much more, He poured out His grace and mercy and strengthened us in ways we can hardly comprehend. We may have faced some days where we thought we may not make it through, but He broke through our fading hope and showed us that He was still interested in keeping us together and thriving as a couple.


God is good even when our emotions say He is not. He is faithful even when we feel as if He is punishing us or holding out on us. He is gracious even when we feel forsaken. His love is not dependent on our actions or emotions. His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts. He is the same yesterday, today and forevermore. He holds all things together.

I may not know how this is going to turn out or why it's happening, YET I WILL PRAISE YOU, LORD!

What an emotional and spiritual roller coaster I live on. If God can speak to and through me, then I know for a fact He can speak through and to just about anyone!

It's time to take action

It seems that everything I am listening to and reading lately is emphasizing "action." I have been reading, studying, listening to audios, and being filled up with truth and information for three years, but I haven't been as active as I'd like. I've been busy no doubt. BUT, It's time to act in accordance with His will and purposes, not just "survive" or face despair. I may have a limp, but at least I can still move forward!

It's time to walk in obedience, freedom, truth, joy, confidence, and hope. Jesus is calling me out of the boat to trust Him. I have placed too much security in the boat, but the crazy thing is, the boat isn't secure. The boat can sink, rock, tip over, be filled with water, and more. Only Jesus is secure. He is unshakable. He holds all things together. I've missed out on so much peace and enjoyment of Him by focusing too much on my inadequacies and the "boat" (circumstances).

My friends and family lovingly reminded me of this. Scripture reminds me of this. My declining bank account reminds me of this. My fading hope reminds of this. My fear and doubt reminds of this. My need to feel significant and productive and lead my family well reminds me of this.

INFORMATION -----> TRANSFORMATION ------> APPLICATION.

I am seeking diligently to be filled with God's joy, wisdom, and to make better provision for family, while being a light in this world, starting with my home. I have felt "worse than an unbeliever" by not providing well for my family, but it's time to act. I don't know exactly what God has in store in for me, but I know it's going to be better than what I can imagine or think up. His promises still stand true. He can still use me for good. He is good like that. I want to let Him do all He wants to do so that His name is honored and people are drawn to Him.

It's bigger than me, my bank account, my family, and my situation. It is about His Kingdom and His glory and His salvation. When I see beyond myself and look to Him, the fog begins to fade and my passion and purpose in life begins to be more clear. 

This morning I was able to worship and praise Him while walking/jogging. Yesterday I worshiped Him while weed eating and mowing with a friend.God is steadily speaking into me. I realized, though, that He has been all along. I was just too distracted to hear Him clearly. I was focusing on the wrong things. I was so down and discouraged and inwardly focused that I missed Him. I despised myself and my circumstances so much that I missed hearing Him and delighting in Him.

Today I feel lighter, freer and more joyful. My situation hasn't changed a whole lot this week, and there are some major concerns I have about provision, etc. However, I am working hard to stay focused on Him and His grace. He is sufficient. He knows my need. He is at work. I want to trust Him and get active. Something good is going to happen soon. I don't know how God is going to come through, but I am trusting  He will in His time and His way. Am I ready to receive it? I SURE HOPE SO!
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Habakkuk 2:1 (NASB)

I will stand on my guard post
And station myself on the rampart;
And I will keep watch to see what He will speak to me,

A new "name"

I listened to a powerful sermon, well actually, a bunch of sermons this week from Elevation church. Great stuff that God has used to speak to me (www.elevationchurch.org) or download the app.

I realized this week that I have still been holding on the bondage of my past and shame. I let self-hatred and lies shape and overshadow my identity. It is continually holding me back and keeping me stuck, especially with career and finances. I have held back out of feelings of inadequacy and shame, rather than "power, love, and sound mind." I have not been living as a free man, saved by Christ. The prison doors are open but I keep walking back in. Jesus died to take away my shame, but I keep picking it up!!! Not good!

I have decided to change the title of my blog. For now, it is called, The Wounded Saint. It is a reflection of who I am in Christ, while a reminder of the painful past THAT GOD HAS REDEEMED. I can't deny my sin and painful past, but I don't have to let it define me. God is bigger than my sin. His grace is sufficient. What I did was awful, terrible, and hurt so many people. However, His promises have not been nullified by my sin. I am not that powerful. He is faithful to Himself and His truth and promises even when we are not. Therefore, I can and want to honor my wife and family by walking out of the darkness and into the Light of Christ.

God is good. He is ever present. My circumstances are not what I want them to be, but I know God is working on me. When He answers my specific prayers about career and money (and my internal world of self-hatred, doubt, inadequacy and shame), it will be a blessing to me and not a "curse" that I mishandle. I pray for the faith to hold on, place my identity in Him, and live life to the fullest. I will have to wake up each day and go back to the "well" of His grace and truth, but that's okay. That's how He wants it because He likes hanging out with me. Now, it's my turn to learn to like myself and look through His filter and not my jacked up one. 

Are you there yet? Keep pressing on and pressing in, to Him. 

PS - This weekend marks the three year anniversary of when I confessed to Amy and the church. It is so hard to believe it has been three years. What a ride!!! Thank you to those who have walked it (and limped it) with us. You are a blessing.

1 Corinthians 1:9 (NASB)
God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Our hope is not in the "boat"

Here is a great sermon on having hope and faith despite the circumstances. It was timely for me this week. 

http://elevationchurch.org/sermons/crash-the-chatterbox

Surprising Struggle

I never could have imagined that the summer of our third year of recovery would possibly be the hardest two months of the entire process. I have hit lows that I didn't anticipate and have challenges that have stretched me beyond my limits at times. I am grateful that God is still at work, though I regularly pray for insight and relief. I want to be in His will, but I frequently waiver in unbelief, anger, doubt, fear, confusion, and distrust. I wish I was less volatile emotionally. Thankfully I have seen God work when things seemed hopeless. That keeps me waking up each day with a renewed focus and purpose - and hope. 

If this doesn't get the best of Amy and me, then we will come out of this stronger than we ever imagined! Pray for us to stay the course and not give in to "hopelessness and despair" or spiritual and emotional fatigue.

Amy's blog post

My wife Amy posted on her blog this morning. Wow. Powerful stuff. I am beyond grateful. God is good. 

Check it out : www.rogers5online.blogspot.com

Keep Knocking (i.e. Praying)

This is a great devotional (see below) that helps me feel better about my repeated "persistent" and/or repetitive prayers about the same things it seems. Keep pounding the door! God can handle it!
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Ask Seek Knock
by Philip Yancey from Prayer


Jesus’ story about village neighbors must have provoked smiles and chuckles in his first-century audience. A man opens his door to an unexpected guest late one night - not uncommon in a desert climate that encourages travel after sunset - only to find his pantry bare. In a region renowned for hospitality, no decent person would turn away a weary traveler or put him to bed without nourishment, so the host strikes out to a friend’s house to ask for bread.

Kenneth Bailey, a Presbyterian missionary who lived in Lebanon forty years, illuminates some of the cultural nuances behind the story. Palestinians use bread as Westerners use silverware: they break off bite-sized pieces, dip into a common dish of meat and vegetables, and eat the entire sop. The man with empty cupboards was likely asking his friend for a main course as well as loaves of bread, and even that was typical. Villagers frequently borrowed from each other in hospitality emergencies. Bailey recalls one instance: “While living in primitive Middle Eastern villages, we discovered to our amazement that this custom of rounding up from the neighbors something adequate for the guest extended even to us when we were the guests. We would accept an invitation to a meal clear across the village, and arrive to eat from our own dishes which the villagers had borrowed quietly from our cook.”

In Jesus’ story, though, the neighbor stubbornly refuses the request (see Luke 11). He has already gone to bed, stretched out with his family on a mat in the one-room house - and, besides, the door is bolted shut. “Don’t bother me,” he calls to his neighbor outside. “I can’t get up and give you anything.”

A Middle Eastern audience would have laughed out loud at this lame excuse. Can you imagine such a neighbor? Jesus was asking. Certainly not! No one in my village would act so rudely. If he did, the entire village would know about it by morning!
Then Jesus delivers the punch line: “I tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man’s boldness [his persistence, his shamelessness] he will get up and give him as much as he needs.” The application to prayer follows immediately:

So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Luke positions this story right after Jesus’ teaching on the Lord’s Prayer, drawing a sharp contrast between the reluctant neighbor and God the Father. If a cranky neighbor who has turned in for the night, who wishes more than anything you would go away, who does his best to ignore you - if such a neighbor eventually rouses to give what you want, how much more will God respond to your bold persistence in prayer! After all, what earthly father would sneak a snake under his son’s pillow when he asks for a fish, or drop a scorpion on his daughter’s breakfast plate instead of an egg?

The Lord’s Prayer, often reduced to a mumbled ritual, an incantation, takes on new light in this story abutting it. We should pray like a salesman with his foot wedged in the door opening, like a wrestler who has his opponent in a headlock and won’t let go.

The God “who watches over you will not slumber,” promises a psalm of comfort. Even so, sometimes when we pray it feels as if God has indeed nodded off. Raise your voice, Jesus’ story implies. Strive on, like the shameless neighbor in the middle of the night.
Keep pounding the door.
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Your Turn
Ask seek knock... Easier said than done when it seems that God isn't answering the door! Have you quit praying about something because you didn't get an answer right away? Don't stop! Be persistent! Keep knocking!