Heart vs. Parts

Sexual purity is a lot about the heart; not just the parts. Staying pure is not just a matter of "not sinning." It's understanding that your soul and heart have longings that too often we try to meet sexually, rather than spiritually and emotionally. We go "wookin pa nub in all the wong places" as Eddie Murphy sang on Saturday Night Live. Crazy remix of another song, but you get the point. 

Heart and soul pain and longings actually INCREASE our vulnerability to sexual sin. It lowers our focus on purity and guarding our hearts and can leave us exposed to temptation that should be obvious. We seem to get "flanked" or blind sided by certain situations that otherwise would have been very easily avoided. 

Proverbs 7:1-5 (NASB) shows this "heart vs. parts" truth very well. Adultery plays to the heart strings. Our hearts and minds will lead us astray if we stop loving/pursuing wisdom, truth, purity, and our relationship with God. Problems and disaster comes when our focus is on selfish desires that mislead us; we fall victim to the lies of adultery. 

How's your heart? Are you vulnerable to temptation that may be headed your way? Guard your heart. Find your true love in God's wisdom and fellowship; not adultery. Find out what the longings are really about, without believing the lies that say "flattery and false validation" will make you feel better. When a dog drinks anti-freeze, it may taste sweet at first, but it quickly kills him by shutting down his organs. Adultery is very much the same. You may not die physically (though people have been killed from it), but spiritually and emotionally it can crush you.

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Proverbs 7:1-5, New American Standard Bible (NASB)

The Wiles of the Harlot

7 My son, keep my words
And treasure my commandments within you.
² Keep my commandments and live,
And my ^[a]teaching as the ^[b]apple of your eye.
³ Bind them on your fingers;
Write them on the tablet of your heart.
⁴ Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,”
And call understanding your intimate friend;
⁵ That they may keep you from an ^[c]adulteress,
From the foreigner who ^[d]flatters with her words.

 

Stupid?

Have you ever felt stupid? I have. Even recently. I used to get so ticked off and mad about it. I don't like it still, but I hope I am growing in my reaction to these feelings. Alot of my stupidity has been due to pride, fear, shame, and stubbornness. Instead of asking for help, reading instructions, looking up "how to" videos, etc, I will often jump right into something, only to struggle a bit. In most cases, I will get the task at hand done, but it usually comes with a lot of frustration and redoing it several times.

For years, I ignored personal and spiritual wisdom and instruction. I hid in shame, pride, guilt, fear, and stubbornness. I lacked discipline. It cost me dearly. I betrayed my wife and family and was found out to be a fraud. Now, I try to do life different, better, though I have a LONG way to go. I hope I am humble enough now to at least admit when I need help while seeking wisdom and knowledge. I don't want to repeat the same failures.

Look at this Proverb that speaks rather bluntly:

Proverbs 12:1New International Version (NIV)

12 Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,
    but whoever hates correction is stupid. 

There are tons of Proverbs that speak about wisdom, folly, instruction, etc. Much to be gained from that book of wisdom.

Here is another powerful quote about discipline from Darren Hardy, publisher of Success magazine:

Discipline is the key to success. Success is seldom found on the path of least resistance. Discipline is a skill; not talent. To live without discipline is to die without dignity.

Let's not be stupid today, or any day for that matter. But, when we do something that reveals our lack of discipline or "lapse in judgment," let's regroup, reevaluate, and get refocused on seeking Christ, building discipline, and enjoying the fruits of that pursuit God calls us to.

Is transformation possible without pain?

This is an article/interview with Paul Young, author of The Shack, called Is Transformation Possible Without Pain? http://wmpaulyoung.com/is-transformation-possible-without-pain/

God allows pain. God uses pain to heal us, teach us, humble us, and lead us to Himself. I have probably learned more about God through pain than anything else. Pain has come through heartache, betrayal, failure, fear, etc. When we see Christ more clearly, the pain starts to make sense and becomes clearer as well. Instead of feeling forsaken, we realize that we are never alone.

More Adultery Prevention Strategies

Walking in the fullness of who we are in Christ is the #1 way to prevent and heal from adultery. See a previous blog post. Hands down. There are additional ways to aid in prevention but can't be a substitute for the #1. They flow FROM the #1.

Here are a few...

* Learn (and apply) as early as possible and as quickly as possible that you MUST take responsibility for your mistakes. Blame shifting, denial, defensiveness, entitlement, etc. creates major problems, including the path of adultery.

* Teach your children/teenagers/adult children the same concept. Don't neglect to instill this in your children ASAP! If you haven't been, then start. Expect resistance. Lead by example. Hold them accountable. Be gracious but firm. Stick to it. It is a gift.

* Discipline lying, cheating, stealing, etc. swiftly, firmly, graciously in your children/teenagers.
Lying snowballs. It won't go away without effort. It compounds. Deal with it early on in your children's lives. Probe and ask good questions about what seems to be triggering it. Pray desperately for heart change and transformation by Christ Jesus. Lead by example. Love always.

* Save your No's. We grow up hearing hundreds of thousands of "No's." A lot of them are vitally important and needed. Our children need to hear no to things that are harmful to them, to others, that they aren't ready for, etc. However, as a parent, I am guilty of telling my children no just because I don't want to deal with something right then. At times, I will admit that my "No" may be more for my benefit than theirs. Therefore, I am learning from my wife and the Lord, that it's good to tell my children Yes to positive things. Yes, we can go play. Yes, I will hang out with you. Yes, let's go do that. Yes, let's eat. Yes, I love you very much. To name a few. I struggle to save my "No's" and pick my battles. I fear that my kids will grow up to be lazy, entitled, etc. so I react negatively, rather than pray for wisdom and let the process move slowly and purposefully. They hear No quite a bit. They hear wait quite a bit. They also need to hear yes quite a bit to things that are for their good and needed.

* Teach your children/teenager to save up/wait/delay gratification. Adultery is about instant gratification, giving in to the lie that something "feels good" or is deserved (falsely though), etc. It's about letting 'little sins" become big ones over time. Children who learn the value of saving up for something, setting healthy boundaries and goals with money, time, etc, and who learn to work hard for something and feel the positive benefit of doing it for themselves can prosper. Children who never have to wait on anything, who never have to work for something, who don't get taught how to work for something, etc. have an insecurity and emptiness in them that may be met in inappropriate/unhealthy ways, like adultery. Waiting to have sexual contact with someone until marriage is a good thing. Not giving in to pornography, smoking, drug, alcohol, etc. is a good thing. Having positive relationships that are balanced, lead to growth, etc. are a good thing.
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***Disclaimer - For some reason, I didn't grasp many of these concepts as a child or teenager or young adult. I was very stubborn and strong willed, but I was also very insecure and full of shame and lacked confidence. I was very vulnerable to adultery for many reasons. I am attempting to instill many of these values listed above in my children's lives, though I mess up often. Pray for your heart to be open to God's best. Pray for your children's. Fail forward. Grow daily. Be persistent. Enjoy the fruits of your labors, even if delayed.
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A Father's Prayer

As I read the book, The Way of the Wild at Heart, I realize that as a boy I missed some key truths about my Heavenly Father who sees me as His beloved Son. Jesus made this possible and accomplished this HUGE feat when He stepped out of Heaven and into human flesh. It's mind blowing really. Why do I resist it?

As I read Eldredge's book, I also realize how many moments I have with my own boys and girl, to make an impact on their lives. Some days I get it right; many others I miss it. I want them to see and experience more fully my delight in them and not question it. I want to instill discipline in them, but more importantly, I want them to have a sense of joy, delight, adventure, and freedom that flows from it. I have stifled this in them in more ways than I care to admit but thankfully way less since coming out of my darkness and life of secret sin. I have a lot to learn and grow into for sure. I am glad that God is still working on me and has not given up on me. How undeserved. How amazing.

John Eldredge is bringing to light not only my struggle and longing as a father but also my own as an "unfinished man." He concludes in chapter four (Raising the Beloved Son) with a father's prayer. It is powerful and can bring great healing. It is my prayer for myself and for father's who are longing to experience God as a loving father and walk as the beloved son we are in Him.

Father, I need to know that I am your son, and there is a place for me in your heart which no one else can fill. I need to experience your love. Raise the orphaned boy in me. Take me back to those places where I felt so missed, and show me that my heart matters to you. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear how you are raising the heart of the boy in me, raising me in belovedness even now. Heal and restore my soul as a son - as your Beloved Son. Give the grace to believe it.

And show me how to offer this to my son - what does he need with me at this time in his life? How might I have missed his heart? How can I come with love and delight now? Lead me, in Jesus' name.

The Six C's (My three and their cousins)

Who you gonna call?

 

This is a picture of the famous "Ghostbusters," of 1984. It came to my mind today when writing this post titled, "Who you gonna call?" I am not talking about ghosts, but if you have a "ghost" problem, then you know who to call.

 

I am talking about something a bit more serious: who are you going to call when you need Godly counsel, wisdom, accountability, encouragement, "sin prevention," advice, etc.? Do you have a GO TO person (or persons)? I hope so.

 

For YEARS, I had been told (and probably told others) how important Godly counsel and accountability were to the Christian walk. HOWEVER, I DIDN'T DO IT WELL. It caught up with me eventually, and the outcome was ugly, painful, destructive, and preventable.

 

God puts people in our lives and path for good reason. He made us for community and connection. We need others. They need us. IF we want to mature, grow, more effectively fight spiritual warfare, and band as Christian brothers and sisters. We aren't meant to go solo, be lone rangers, etc.

 

As a Christian brother who fell, I now have to put people in my life to walk this journey with me, even if by phone, text, etc. Since the "earthquake" of 2011 (my confession to Amy), I have had the privilege of talking with men who have encouraged me, consoled me, prayed for and with me, and more: Todd, Jim, Michael, Bob, Larry, Jonathan, Jason, Whit, Tee, Paul, Shane, Travis, Josh, Justin, and many others. I can call these guys and many others and hear an encouraging word from them.

 

Here are some questions you may have:

 

1. When do I call them? Some I talk to weekly. Some monthly or so. Some less. All are important and have different perspectives and insights. I have narrowed who I call down to a few, mainly due to life stage and flexibility options. Most of them I text, call or talk to at church.

 

2. What prompts me to call them? There are three main reasons I call - Vulnerability to sin/temptation, emotional/spiritual 'funk', or Wisdom/advice. When I am feeling weak or tempted (even if mostly in my head), I call someone, usually Larry. Evil thrives in darkness. Sin starts small and grows in the mind. The best way to detour this is to call and confess to someone. It works!! I also may call if I need advice or wisdom, or if I am feeling like I am stuck in an emotional/spiritual rut or pit. We've have some seriously dark, despair filled days since 2011. Letting someone pray with us or speak truth into us when our faith is weak is HUGE!

 

3. What do they say? Some say very little. Some share what God is doing in their life and how it may apply. Some ask probing questions. Some pray right there with me on the phone. Others listen and express care and sympathy. It really depends on each person and their insights. All are helpful. Sometimes I need a kick in the butt. Other times I need grace and soft approach.

 

A great book for men's accountability is by Dr. Mark Laaser called THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES OF HIGHLY ACCOUNTABLE MEN. A must read. A Christian based perspective AND professional counselor/pastoral perspective. And, from a man who has successfully stayed sober from his sex addiction for 25+ years.

 

So, who are you going to call? Do you have at least one person (preferably the same gender) that you can call? I suggest more than one since not everyone will be available when you need them. This is no light issue. Don't settle on this and neglect it. IT'S URGENT.

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Ephesians 5:8-17 (NIV)

⁸ For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light ⁹ (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) ¹⁰ and find out what pleases the Lord. ¹¹ Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. ¹² It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. ¹³ But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. ¹⁴ This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,
    rise from the dead,
    and Christ will shine on you.”

¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.

The Cure and Prevention for Adultery

After much recovery, healing, prayer and struggle, I have come to realize that there are lots of helpful books and resources geared toward personal/spiritual development and recovery. I am thankful for them. I need them. I learn so much from them. 

However, one thing that trumps them all is what Jesus has that none of us have fully and still struggle to grasp in every day life. Its the one thing that when we do embrace changes everything for us and transforms us. 

What Jesus has and longs to pass on to us, bestow upon us, fill us with, and see us take it and run with it into His loving arms and freedom is the greatest gift that we could ever receive and enjoy.

What is it that could prevent adultery and much heartache and help us all walk through this life more joyfully, more confidently, more boldly and less vulnerable to sin? 

It is this ... JESUS KNEW and KNOWS without any doubt that HE is the BELOVED SON of the FATHER. 

John Eldredge expresses this truth so well, "Do you know how the Father feels about you? Jesus did. He walked through the world knowing He was the Beloved Son, the favored one. It's what enabled Him to live as He did. This relationship was meant to be our secret, our joy too. We were meant to know this, too. First through our earthly fathers, and then by the extension of fatherhood, to our Father in the heavens. But few there are who came through their boyhood with such knowledge intact, without a trace of doubt " John Edlredge, The Way of the Wild at Heart. 

God publicly affirmed Jesus calling out His love for Jesus out loud, "This is My Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." Matthew 3:17. This was a launching point for Jesus' earthly ministry. 

One of the lies of adultery is FALSE AFFIRMATION. God's affirmation is real, and grounded in His perfect love. Not something we give back. He gives it even if we don't do so in return. 

Do you get that? Do I? Not fully. It blows my mind. It speaks directly to my longings, but shame and fear make it hard to accept, at least on many days. 

This is the only true cure for our brokenness. To live as sons and daughters of King Jesus, the first Beloved Son who have His life so that we may live fully alive. 

Every day we wake up we will need to hear this gospel message. The world and evil one will rob you of this joy and truth. Go "back to the well" and fill up each and every day, every hour. If you and I don't, then we will drift away or simply live life on fumes, not fullness. 

Have I Voided My Calling?

Happy 4th of July!! Christ has set us free! Millions of men and women have fought for our freedoms here in America. We are blessed in so many ways. 

This holiday triggers some thoughts for me: Did my sin of adultery nullify or void my calling or future ministry?  

I am still free and Christ's promises still hold true. However, since I blew it a few years ago, and I wrecked the ministry I was involved in, I often wonder what God will have me do as a result. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed and have been given a second chance in my marriage, my family, my walk with Christ. He has used our story to help others. I can share the gospel anywhere, even while doing electrical work. Despite all of that, I still have a longing to do more and share more. What does God have to say about that? What are His plans?

I know I am forgiven. I know God can use the mess up to do something good. I also know that in Scripture, sometimes God required His wayward people to not experience His full blessings due to sin and unbelief. At other times He restored them and they were able to do more and more in His name. Regardless, God's grace and mercy WAS ALWAYS PRESENT. HE NEVER STOPPED LOVING HIS PEOPLE.

Some Examples of God's People Being Excluded from Experiencing More (Despite His grace and mercy)

Adam and Eve sinned and were removed from the garden (Genesis 3)

Moses never got to see or experience the Promised Land (Deuteronomy 32-33)

Many of the Israelites never got to see the Promised Land and wandered in the desert for 40 years (Numbers 32)

David didn't get to build the new Temple (2 Samuel 7, 1 Chronicles 22)

Israelites would be in exile for 70 years before the promises of God were fulfilled to them through Jeremiah (Jeremiah 29:10-14)

Some Examples of God's People Still Being Able to Experience Ministry Opportunities Despite Their Sin

Jonah ran from God but was later obedient and shared a message of repentance to an evil nation who repented (Jonah)

Saul, later named Paul, who crucified Christians, was called by God and wrote a majority of the New Testament (Acts 9)

Peter, one of Jesus' disciples, denied even knowing Jesus but was later restored and led thousands to Christ through His preaching and the Holy Spirit's raining down through him (John 21, Acts 2)

I don't know what all God has planned for Amy and me regarding ministry, vocation, career, etc, but I do know this...

1. He has showered us with His grace and mercy FROM THE VERY BEGINNING. We have experienced Christ Jesus in powerful, real ways despite the intense struggle and pain.

2. God is faithful, even when we are faithless (2 Timothy 2:13). If God wants His people to suffer the full consequences of their sin and be taken out of this world, excluded, punished, etc. then in love He will do that. If God wants to restore them and do even greater things despite their sin, in love He will do that. His ways are higher than ours. He knows what is best and His will is going to be done. He will never deny Himself or His own promises, even if we screw up. I want to be found faithful from here on out, but I know I am incapable on my own.

3. As Christ followers, we all are called to "preach." Our lives are meant to reflect His Light, His Life, and His truth, even after we mess up and sin in big ways. He saved us and calls us to daily repentance, power, and hope to a dark world. I don't have to work in a church or ministry to do ministry. My main ministry starts at my house with my family. Then from there I am called to be a Light where ever I find myself: privately and publicly.

God may choose to allow Amy and I to have an established "ministry" or He may not. Regardless, He is good, faithful, and has done far more than we have deserved. He is the hero of our story. May we give Him the praise and glory, even when we are uncertain about what to do next. We pray He will do far more than we could ever think or imagine!!!

A Betrayal of Love

I received this email today and wanted to pass it on. It is powerful stuff. John Eldredge is one of my favorite authors. He speaks in ways I can process. He has insights that I admire. As my friend Brian Presson used to say, "God saved us in our worst 5 minutes." This daily reading by Eldredge speaks right in to that for sure. God is gracious, even when we were/are at our worst. Wow. He is faithful, even when are faithless.


A Betrayal of Love

Can you imagine if on your honeymoon one of you sneaked off for a rendezvous with a perfect stranger? Adam and Eve kicked off the honeymoon by sleeping with the Enemy. Then comes one of the most poignant verses in all Scripture: "What is this you have done?" (Gen. 3:13). You can almost hear the shock, the pain of betrayal in God's voice. The fall of Adam and Eve mustn't be pictured as a crime like theft, but as a betrayal of love. In love God creates us for love, and we give him the back of our hand. Why? Satan gets us to side with him by sowing the seed of doubt in our first parents' minds: "God's heart really isn't good. He's holding out on you. You've got to take things into your own hands." And Paradise was lost.

Yet there was something about the heart of God that the angels and our first parents had not yet seen. Here, at the lowest point in our relationship, God announces his intention never to abandon us but to seek us out and win us back. "I will come for you." Grace introduces a new element of God's heart. Up till this point we knew he was rich, famous, influential, even generous. Behind all that can still hide a heart that is less than good. Grace removes all doubt.

An exert from the book, The Sacred Romance, by John Eldredge

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Sin is Subtle/Sneaky

Sin never "just happens." There are some obvious sins that we all see and can clearly avoid. But in most cases, even those "big" sins didn't start out big, at least not always. They are like weeds; they start out small, but one day you wake up and your whole flower bed or yard is full of them. Sin can be very subtle (cunning, wily, or crafty) or sneaky like that.

Sin can sneak its way into our lives if we don't squash it early, while it's small and less powerful. Things like undisciplined eating, bad habits, lustful thoughts, interactions with others, and other temptations we face that can "trip us up."Once these things become comfortable, familiar, or ingrained, they can fly under our radar and don't get as noticeable. What used to send up red flags, now gets overlooked due to "2nd nature" type habits. We may notice them and think, "I should get this under control before things get out of hand." At times we heed the warnings and prompting by the Holy Spirit; other times we don't.

This is when transparency, accountability, personal development, prayer, and living in close, Christian community are crucial elements of our walk with Christ and others. Even then it's not "fool proof," but these can make a significant difference in avoiding disaster.

James 1:12-18 (NASB) gives some clear warnings and insights into sin and temptation:

¹² Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has ^[m]been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. ¹³ Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted ^[n]by God”; for God cannot be tempted ^[o]by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. ¹⁴ But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. ¹⁵ Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin ^[p]is accomplished, it brings forth death. ¹⁶ Do not be ^[q]deceived, my beloved brethren. ¹⁷ Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or ^[r]shifting shadow. ¹⁸ In the exercise of His will He brought us forth by the word of truth, so that we would be ^[s]a kind of first fruits ^[t]among His creatures.

Sin can be sneaky and subtle, but the good news is we have been given power by the Holy Spirit to fight it. Our purity and strength and "Godly habits" are also subtle. We can do a little bit every day to prune the habits, behaviors, and thoughts that trip us up if allowed to grow and take root. The longer we wait to deal with these things, the harder it becomes to undo or change them. Trust me, I know. I am still, at the age of 40, working on issues that should have been dealt with in my college days.

What subtle, small habits, thoughts, actions, etc. do you know notice in your life that are in the early stages of development? Are they leading you to better growth and maturity, or leading you toward disaster? Pray for wisdom and keep the ones that are obedient to Christ, and pray for the courage and strength to change the ones that are leading you away from faithfulness.

What "deep rooted" actions, thoughts, beliefs, actions have you noticed that may need an over haul and intervention that are causing you problems? Are you willing to get help? How much longer will you wait before deciding it's time to change and let others help get you healing and freedom?