Tell The Story Anyway

Yesterday I had the opportunity to record an overview of  our recovery journey. I don't know how it will used, if at all, but I have felt led to at least start the process. We have a story to tell since God has done so much. If it encourages only one person and prevents them from either giving in to adultery OR keeps them on the hard road of recovery, then it will be a success.

The children's minister at our church is a very technical guy and has all of the recording equipment and software. He does the media "stuff" as well at the church. I don't know how he keeps up with it all. He's very talented! Anyway, he and I are meeting weekly to talk and record bits and pieces of our story. It has been a blessing to me to get to talk to him and learn more about him.

When I walked into his office yesterday, his mini "recording studio" was there waiting on me. My nervousness kicked in a bit since I don't like hearing my voice AND I felt vulnerable due to the sensitivity of our story. I had typed up an overview of our story but didn't know how it would sound or if it would be organized and clear. I put my nerves aside and just started talking.

I was surprised how powerful and healing it was for me to read the story "into the microphone." There were several times when a wave of emotion hit me so hard that I had to stop talking for a moment. Even 2 1/2 years later it is emotional to think back on those early moments of having to tell Amy the awful news of my betrayal. It is also very humbling to think about God's amazing grace and work in our marriage.

I realized even more how necessary and healing it is going to be for me to do these recordings. I need to keep telling the story, no matter how emotional, painful, or difficult it may be. It has been a commitment of ours from early on, and the more we share our story, the more we realize how badly we need to, for our sake. The healing has to start and continue in us first. As we do our "recovery" each day, we want to be obedient to "pay it forward" and help others in their journey.

I know I am capable of deep, dark sin, but I also have come to know that God is able to do HUGE work in my life when I trust Him. These are the words I spoke in the first two paragraphs that are a reminder of where I have been and where God has brought me:

My name is Scotty and I am a recovering adulterer. Key word is recovering. Otherwise, I would just be an adulterer and wouldn’t have much of a story to tell. I am sad that I gave in to the lies of adultery, but I am happy that I am able to experience God’s grace and mercy and learn from my failures.

Thankfully, I am also able to say that my marriage has survived adultery AND has thrived despite that awful fact. I will assure you it’s not because I am so great. God is the hero of our story, not me. I am the villain. I deserved divorce, severe punishment, and awful things to happen. I put my wife through intense pain and have suffered big consequences. However, by the grace of God we have experienced a miracle. We have seen the hand of God work in and through us from day one.

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Matthew 16:24-27 (NASB)

²⁴ Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. ²⁵ For whoever wishes to save his ^[v]life will lose it; but whoever loses his ^[w]life for My sake will find it. ²⁶ For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? ²⁷ For the Son of Man is going to come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and will then ^[x]repay every man according to his ^[y]deeds.

Forgiveness

I am so thankful for forgiveness: from God, from Amy, from others, from myself. Amy and I will never forget the pain we've been through, but how much harder would it be if we would have spent the past 2 1/2 years stuck in un-forgiveness,  un-repentance, and un-gratefulness. God is a big God, yet so personal, gracious, forgiving, kind, merciful, firm, and for us. Even His discipline is an act of grace and kindness. I can't explain why God saved me from the "far country," saved my marriage, restored us as a family and continues to show us more of Himself, but I am grateful. 

Romans 2:4, (NASB)

⁴ Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?

Love doesn’t erase our memories. It is actually a demonstration of greater grace when we are fully aware of what occurred and we still choose to forgive. Love is a choice. Total forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling – at least at first – but is rather an act of the will. It is the choice to tear up the record of wrongs we have been keeping. We clearly see and acknowledge the evil that was done to us (or we did to others) but we erase it – or destroy the record – before it becomes lodged in our hearts. This way resentment does not have a chance to grow. R.T. Kendall, Total Forgiveness

Our Kids Vacumming Skills

We require our children to do a few chores around the house. One of the chores is vacuuming. What's funny is how they vacuum. Before we instructed them on the proper way to vacuum, they used to only vacuum the dirt they could see. Well, in carpet, you don't see most of the dirt. Therefore, when they vacuum for maybe 10 to 20 seconds, we have to tell them (and show them) how to vacuum the entire room, not just the dirt they see.

Interestingly, some people treat adultery recovery and prevention in the same manner. Those who skip steps, wish to rush the process or make changes for the wrong reasons will be exposed eventually. As Jeff Olson says, "Time will either promote you or expose you." You will know in time whether or not my repentance and recovery is legit or not. As Jesus said, "You will know a tree by its fruit."

I want to grow bountiful fruit of humility, strength, confidence, purity, courage and wisdom. I want to wake up every day and put on my "armor," knowing that the devil is prowling around searching for someone to devour. I know what I am capable of doing - good and bad. I never want to leave myself vulnerable to Satan's lies. Therefore, my DAILY personal walk with Christ AND other men of God is crucial.

This doesn't mean I won't ever have troubles. Remember, it's a pruning and maturing process. However, if I ever treat recovery like my kids do vacuuming, then I will only focus on the "external" factors that are easy to see. Things such as behaviors, my public image, how I treat others, etc. What you won't see is my thoughts, attitude, etc. At least not immediately. Eventually, "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Therefore, when stressed and given enough time, the inside will soon be revealed.

My friend told me recently that I have changed over the past two years. He and I met when we first moved here to North MS. I was an emotional wreck. I had a lot of difficulty knowing how to transition to a new community and rebuild. As I said in another post, I felt like I was lying if I didn't quickly tell a bit of our story. I was still living in paranoia and emotional instability. He then told me that I "seem more comfortable in my skin."Wow. What a huge compliment. That's a testimony to the work God has done over the past two and a half years. I have struggled through some serious emotional waves. I am not fully past all of it, but I feel way better than I did the first two years of recovery.

I met with a guy recently who was stuck in a rut of disappointment and struggle. I encouraged him to work on small, daily disciplines and establish a clear purpose for his "why" and purpose (i.e. the benefits), versus drifting through life. I told him in six months, he will wake up and say one of two things: "I am glad I have spent the last six months working on me and implementing the small yet powerful "daily disciplines." OR "I wish I would have done the work of implementing the small steps of daily disciplines." One outcome will reap a harvest of benefits and personal growth; the other will reap more regret and disappointment.

I want to wake up each day and keep this in mind because it's a huge deal. I fell hard and the scars remain, but I am thankfully able to write new chapters, WITH my family. I read a quote this morning by Andrew Cherng, the CEO of Panda Express, a $1.8 billion company. He said, "Success is not an accident. When you put yourself in the right place at the right time, then you’re likely to be more successful because of how you prepare yourself on a daily basis."

This is a common philosophy of successful people. What you do "daily" makes the long term difference. Adultery recovery and prevention is no different.
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1 Corinthians 16:13, The Message (MSG)

 ^13-14 Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions, give it all you’ve got, be resolute, and love without stopping.

Adultery Never "Just Happens," Nor Does Recovery

I didn't wake up one day and find myself in the pit of adultery. It was a series of life choices. I drifted through life, not growing personally and spiritually in the area of sexuality, self-worth, etc. I also didn't address the deep seeded pride, fear, foolish beliefs, and self-hatred in my heart and mind. I had poor habits, boundaries and thoughts that eventually led to my downfall. That's why owning up to my sin was so important. Blame wouldn't make things better or lead to healing.

I read an article (see below) this week that sums up why adultery doesn't just happen, PLUS why recovery and survival don't "just happen," either. The article doesn't talk about adultery recovery or prevention, but the truth found in the article can apply directly to it.

Adultery recovery AND prevention is a daily decision of choosing differently, choosing better, and working on yourself, your mind, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your direction in life, as the Lord leads. "Not my will but yours Father," is what Jesus prayed. If we are Christ followers, then that's the statement we need to live by as well. I believe, Lord, help my unbelief!

I'm thankful for people who share their wisdom and insights to make a difference in the lives of other people. It's about paying it forward. That's our prayer as a couple - to pay it forward and be difference makers in the lives of others. Lord willing, that will happen.
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Wake Up—Start Making Empowering Choices
by Darren Hardy, SUCCESS magazine publisher and author of The Compound Effect

We all come into this world the same: naked, scared, and ignorant. After that grand entrance, the life we end up with is simply an accumulation of all the choices we make. Our choices can be our best friend or our worst enemy. They can deliver us to our goals or send us orbiting into a galaxy far, far away.

Think about it. Everything in your life exists because you first made a choice about something. Choices are at the root of every one of your results. Each choice starts a behavior that over time becomes a habit. Choose poorly, and you just might find yourself back at the drawing board, forced to make new, often harder choices. Don’t choose at all, and you’ve made the choice to be the passive receiver of whatever comes your way. 

In essence, you make your choices, and then your choices make you. Every decision, no matter how slight, alters the trajectory of your life—whether or not to go to college, who to marry, to have that last drink before you drive, to indulge in gossip or stay silent, to make one more prospecting call or call it a day, to say I love you or not. Every choice has an impact on the Compound Effect of your life.

By employing the same idiot-proof strategies I’ve used to catapult my own life and career, strengthened by the Compound Effect, you’ll be able to loosen the mysterious grip of the things that are unwinding your life and pulling you in the wrong direction. You’ll be able to hit the pause button before stumbling into idiot territory. You’ll experience the ease of making decisions that lead to behaviors and habits that support you, every time. 

Your biggest challenge isn’t that you’ve intentionally been making bad choices. Heck, that would be easy to fix. Your biggest challenge is that you’ve been sleepwalking through your choices. Half the time, you’re not even aware you’re making them! Our choices are often shaped by our culture and upbringing. They can be so entwined in our routine behaviors and habits that they seem beyond our control. For instance, have you ever been going about your business, enjoying your life, when all of sudden you made a stupid choice or series of small choices that ultimately sabotaged your hard work and momentum, all for no apparent reason? You didn’t intend to sabotage yourself, but by not thinking about your decisions—weighing the risks and potential outcomes—you found yourself facing unintended consequences. Nobody intends to become obese, go through bankruptcy, or get a divorce, but often (if not always) those consequences are the result of a series of small, poor choices. 

You’ve allowed yourself to make a choice without thinking. And as long as you’re making choices unconsciously, you can’t consciously choose to change that ineffective behavior and turn it into productive habits. It’s time to WAKE UP and make empowering choices.
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Matthew 13:31-32 (NASB)

The Mustard Seed

³¹ He presented another parable to them, saying, “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in his field; ³² and this is smaller than all other seeds, but when it is full grown, it is larger than the garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the ^[r]air come and nest in its branches.”

Time doesn't always bring about change

Until my adultery was exposed and God started doing work in me (and continues to), I had difficulty embracing my brokenness. I didn’t like myself very much and had trouble accepting others’ brokenness. Anger, defensiveness, blame, bitterness, judgmental – these are many of the words that described me. Not everyone saw those parts of me, though. Many people thought I was actually “laid back” as a person. Ha! I had them fooled!!  I have not fully arrived when it comes to embracing my brokenness, but I am much further along than I used to be. 

Here is a portion of a blog post I wrote on July 31, 2013 pertaining to an embarrassing situation I had through a speaking opportunity that triggered all sorts of insecurities for me (prior to my fall out): 

I have either felt embarrassed, worked hard to avoid feeling embarrassed, or embarrassed others lots of times in my 38+ years of life. I am not proud of that fact, and I hope I am maturing in this area of my life. A few years ago I remember being asked to do a break out session at a marriage and family therapy conference. This was before all my junk came out. I was not looking forward to it. I was a nervous wreck, and I felt completely inept and like a huge hypocrite. I was speaking on a topic I didn't feel qualified to speak on.

Before, during, and after the session, I remember feeling completely embarrassed and anxious and totally ashamed. Afterwards, I told myself I would NEVER do that again! I wanted to sprint out of that room that day and never look back. It was not a good feeling. I had similar feelings, for a much different reason, when I had to publicly tell my church that I had been unfaithful to my wife; huge shame and embarrassment, for me and her.

It was a pattern of thinking for me that consumed a huge part of my life. Even as early as a young child, I avoided trying new things that I either felt no good at or seemed too difficult and would lead to failure. How sad. That caused a lot of frustration and hindered me in so many areas of my life. It was a mindset and personal belief system that limited me for years and years. Instead of working through the insecurities, I drifted through life trying to avoid all the triggers that caused my shame and inadequacies to surface.

I didn’t feel like a good employee, so I struggled in my career. I didn’t feel like a good husband, so my marriage struggled for years. I had many days where I didn’t feel like a very good dad to my children, so I said and did things that I now regret. I felt ashamed by money, so I struggled to build wealth and live prosperously. I even struggled as a Christian. Do you see how my negative philosophy was a pattern of thinking that kept me stuck? It’s very annoying to reflect back on. It’s probably why I struggle at times to be around people who struggle with those same/similar issues. It reminds me of who I used to be and never want to be again! I am in recovery for “negativity and pessimism” as well. Add it to the list. 

Failure and “holding back” can become (but doesn’t have to be) a life metaphor that clouds every decision we make. Time doesn’t always make us change. If we keep the same, limiting mindset, even 20 years later, our choices and circumstances will not have changed much. Change starts to happen only when we “change between our ears” (i.e. our thoughts, beliefs, and philosophy). 

For some us like myself, it is a slow process that requires a daily filling of my mind with positive, transformational truth. Once I accepted this truth and fact, then I saw the importance of making my personal and spiritual growth a daily routine and "life line." It's not a burden; it's a privilege. As Zig Ziglar said, "You don't pay a high price for success. You get to enjoy the benefits of it." To me, if I will daily submit to Christ's leadership, daily learn to love Him with my whole heart and soul, and daily trust and obey Him, then that's success.

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“Complaining is not for the winners in life. You must focus on what you can do, not what you cannot. And you must focus on the opportunities not the difficulties. When you do this you will not only inspire yourself but you will be an example for others to follow as well.”  Jim Rohn

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1 Corinthians 2:9 (NLT)

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him.

Lessons from Ants

The article below is a philosophy on life in general, but it can be directly applied to adultery recovery. It's a powerful reminder that will keep you and me in the recovery process on those "foggy" days that feel too overwhelming. I promise you there will be many of them, especially in the early stages.

Be in the 31% who make it! And, help increase that percentage of "adultery survivors" by surviving, thriving, and helping others in their journey. Don't try to do it solo. It is a team effort for sure! 

Recovery is a two to three year initial process, followed by a lifetime of sanctification, pruning, seeking, persevering, and developing; one day at a time. God is in it for the long haul. He will never leave you nor forsake you. I have to remind myself of this truth daily!

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The Ant Philosophy, by Jim Rohn 
January 20, 2014

Over the years I've been teaching children about a simple but powerful concept—the ant philosophy. I think everybody should study ants. They have an amazing four-part philosophy, and here is the first part: ants never quit. That's a good philosophy. If they're headed somewhere and you try to stop them; they'll look for another way. They'll climb over, they'll climb under, and they'll climb around. They keep looking for another way. What a neat philosophy, to never quit looking for a way to get where you're supposed to go.

Second, ants think winter all summer. That's an important perspective. You can't be so naive as to think summer will last forever. So ants are gathering in their winter food in the middle of summer.

An ancient story says, "Don't build your house on the sand in the summer." Why do we need that advice? Because it is important to be realistic. In the summer, you've got to think storm. You've got to think rocks as you enjoy the sand and sun. Think ahead.

The third part of the ant philosophy is that ants think summer all winter. That is so important. During the winter, ants remind themselves, "This won't last long; we'll soon be out of here." And the first warm day, the ants are out. If it turns cold again, they'll dive back down, but then they come out the first warm day. They can't wait to get out.

And here's the last part of the ant philosophy. How much will an ant gather during the summer to prepare for the winter? All he possibly can. What an incredible philosophy, the "all-you-possibly-can" philosophy.

Wow, what a great seminar to attend—the ant seminar. Never give up, look ahead, stay positive and do all you can.
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Vitamins for the Mind, by Jim Rohn

“Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.”

“Discipline has within it the potential for creating future miracles.”

“You don't have to change that much for it to make a great deal of difference. A few simple disciplines can have a major impact on how your life works out in the next 90 days, let alone in the next 12 months or the next three years.”

“The best time to set up a new discipline is when the idea is strong.”
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Romans 5:3-5, The Message (MSG) 

 ^3-5 There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!

Like Gravy on a Biscuit

I recently read Matthew chapter 13. It walks through the life of Jesus. People were amazed and astonished by him AND easily offended by him and his teachings. Chapter 13 verse 58 stood out to me:

And He did not do many miracles there because of their unbelief. 

Even in His hometown He was rejected and pushed away. That had to be difficult in a way. He was willing and ready to bless them if they would only let Him and believe Him. I can imagine seeing someone who had grown up in their small "country" town now speaking wisdom beyond his "status" was puzzling. Instead of being amazed and transformed by Him, they rejected Him and told him to leave.

As I look back on my life, I can't help but think about this same Bible verse. For years, I felt God leading me to trust and believe, yet I gave in to sin and insecurity and selfishness. The obvious outcome was struggle, more sin, less peace, less growth, and more pain. Then, I had the nerve to pray for a bail out! I wanted Him to basically overlook my unbelief and bless me in my "panic."

Sometimes He did. Often He didn't. He is always gracious and compassionate, but His blessings are  directly tied to our obedience and trust (unconditional love, conditional blessings). Otherwise, if I receive His blessings with my heart and mind not ready (i.e. bad soil), then then they would quickly become a "curse" or downfall to me. Like throwing "pearls to the swine."

As the quote said, "The worst thing that can happen to us is to be successful before we are ready." I don't want to go through life "chasing" success or blessings. I want to pursue growth, maturity and have my heart sold out to Christ. I want to want Him more than His "stuff" or what He can give and do for me.

Blessings tend to come as a result; not in spite of. I will still pray for His blessings, but even if they don't come in the way I was hoping for or expecting, the greater blessing is to be closer to Him and be more mature in my faith and wholeness. Who I become as His child in the process of walking with Him is way better than what I tangibly "get" from Him. The additional "tangible" blessings are like gravy on a biscuit. The biscuit is good all by itself; the gravy just makes it taste that much better! (though it's more fattening)

Look at Matthew 25:23. A parable of Jesus that teaches on faithfulness in a few things so that more can be enjoyed and given:

²³ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.’

Belief. Trust. Process. Time. Surrender. Joy. Patience. Faithfulness. Honor. Integrity. Slow and steady. Daily Bread. Peace. Hope. Gratitude. These are the things I want to chase after in my walk with Christ. The outcome and results are really up to Him. I just want to be open and ready to receive them, as He sees fit and when He thinks I am ready. I believe. Help my unbelief!
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Ephesians 1:3-6 (HCBS)

³ Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavens. ⁴ For He chose us in Him, before the foundation of the world, to be holy and blameless in His sight.^[b] In love^{[c] 5} He predestined us to be adopted through Jesus Christ for Himself, according to His favor and will, ⁶ to the praise of His glorious grace that He favored us with in the Beloved.

31% make it

Below are some very sad and eye-opening stats on adultery (2012). If you are a survivor and one who is thriving despite the odds, then that's cause to rejoice. Don't keep it a secret! Give God the glory and give others hope, so that 31% survivors rate goes up! If you are in the 69% group, then continue to pray for healing and allow God to give you hope and a bright future, regardless of the outcome. You can hold your head up high and keep growing, striving, dreaming, and experiencing His grace, mercy and goodness. Life is not over. New chapters are being written in your book called Life. 

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Infidelity Statistics

Statistic Verification

Source: Associated Press, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy

Research Date: 9.8.2012

Marriage Infidelity Statistics	Data
Percent of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional	41 %
Percent of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had	57 %
Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had	54 %
Percent of married men who have strayed at least once during their married lives	22 %
Percent of married women who have strayed at least once during their married lives	14 %
Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker	36 %
Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips	35%
Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law	17 %
Average length of an affair	2 years
Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered	31 %
Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught	74 %
Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught	68 %
Percent of children who are the product of infidelity	3 %