Christian Men Who Commit Adultery

I was a Christian, minister, husband, and father when I walked down the ugly patch of adultery. There are so many reasons I should have said no. I failed. The pain was deep and the consequences, life-long. God's grace is huge and sufficient, but the bomb that went off with my sins caused lots of debris. Now, I want to do the long term work of recovery and healing, for my sake, God's name sake, Amy's sake, my children's sake, other believers sake, and for lost people's sake. With God's help, I hope and pray for this to happen.

Lately, I have been receiving lots of calls for adultery recovery. I share with certain clients about my personal journey with adultery to try and ease their mind, sober their thinking, give them hope, and to confront their denial and temptation to skip certain key steps. Many of them don't want to hear about the hard road, though they know it is the truth. The hardest people so far to embrace this harsh reality are Christian men.

A lot of Christian men feel a huge sense of shame and regret for adultery. That's a good thing. They often spend a lot of time in prayer and reflection when they get "busted." Another good thing. Often times they feel a new found freedom in their walk with Christ and the relief of not having to lie anymore sets in. This is not a bad thing, UNLESS, they focus so much on this new "spiritual awakening," that they gloss over the devastation they just caused. They talk about all the things they are learning and wanting to do as a husband and father. They are excited, all while their wife is going, "That's great and all, but but my world just got turned upside down with the bomb that you just threw into my life and our family."

When I hear these men talking about all the ways they are going to be a better husband and father, I am glad and bothered, all at the same time. Their desire to do those things is better than being a jerk or walking away from the marriage, however, it's a bit too early to be talking about all of those promises. Why should his wife believe him? His testimony is invalid. Yes, he's forgiven in Christ, but the pain, suffering, discipline, and hard work has just begun, not to mention the fact that there is a LOT to sort out; debris and destruction.

If he is still this willing to do the hard work, months, even years, down the road, then it will seem more legitimate. Promising these things in reaction to confessing your adultery isn't received as genuine or real. Hopefully it will be the truth, but time will tell. When the dust settles, the betrayed wife (or spouse) will see whether or not his "sorrow and repentance" was real.


I know many of these men don't want to hear me say that they need to go back into the past and walk through the years or months of their betrayal and let God start the reveal all of the sins and sickness in their hearts and minds. This is no "quick fix." At the same time, they need to do all they can to try and win back the heart of their wife, IF she is willing to stay and do the work. The "jury" is still out.

It's a hard balance I know. I had years of professional counseling, schooling, and education that laid the foundation for my recovery. I knew better and lived as a hypocrite and "fake" for years. When my adultery came out, I had no choice but to face it. I lost my job, career, and nearly lost my faith and family. I am tempted to envy these men who don't lose their jobs or face financial hardships. However, those losses for me led me out of the shame and forced me to let God prune the "idols" and evil in my heart, as well as the shame, self-hatred and insecurities. I am grateful for God's discipline. I am thankful He still bothers to work on and in me. Otherwise, I may have been saying what many of the Christian men are saying after they get caught - "let's move forward and not dig up all this junk."

I pray God works in and through me and Amy to help couples wade through the murky waters of adultery recovery. It's tough work, but I am grateful for it.