The 18 to 24 Month Period of Recovery

There is something very real about the 18 to 24 month period of adultery recovery. Many couples it seems have lost the battle to survive and recovery from adultery during this time frame. Why is that?

Well, I can't say for sure, but there are some strong possibilities that my wife Amy and I have experienced that makes sense to us:

1. The initial months, even year or so, is VERY overwhelming. It seems that God provides extra doses of grace and allows us to endure those early times. There is NO WAY to deal with everything all at once. It's too much. It is a process that takes times and work. I believe the initial stages of recovery are vitally important. Getting things out in the open and trying to deal with it as openly and fully as possible is key. Sweeping it under the "rug" and brushing past the hard work in the early months can cost you dearly later. It seems that when this pain and harsh reality of betrayal is buried alive, it makes its way out into the open around the 20 to 24 month period. You no longer can keep it pushed down and hidden. It has to come out at some point and when it does, it isn't "pretty." That's why it is best to do this in the beginning of the discovery of the affair.

2. It signifies another chapter of grieving beyond the initial crisis. In our first year or two of recovery, we experienced some very DARK and painful days. We also experienced some amazing reconnecting and growth days. God showed up and transformed us personally and in our marriage relationship. Now, we are in the 20 to 24 month period. Last week was probably one of the hardest weeks we've had since the first few months following the discovery of my affairs. It was ROUGH! We were not sure how much more we could endure. By God's grace we were able to make it through it and talk about it FINALLY. It is the painful reality of adultery recovery. There will still be hard days, painful reminders (i.e. triggers), and ups and downs. We've had way more ups than downs thankfully. God is faithful. If we will continue to talk openly with each other, trust in God and rely on Him, and stay in the fight, then I believe we will survive the first two years and bust through the 20 to 24 month period.

Don't give up hope. God is more interested in your marriage working out than you are. He is for you. Let Him do His work in you, through you, and despite you. Trust His promises. Lean on Him and not your own understanding. He is able to do far more than you expect or maybe even believe.

Sin Sucks Like Hell

I hope the title of this post doesn't offend you. If it does, then I apologize. I don't intend to offend but do want to express the reality of sin and its effect on us all.

After I publicly confessed my ugly sin, one of the men in the church whom I admired said to me, "Sin sucks like Hell...but God is good." He is so right, about both parts of that statement.

Sin hurts. Sin is painful. Sin is devastating to all it touches. My wife Amy has had to live with the ugly sins I committed against her and God. Some days it is very overwhelming to her and causes all sorts of emotions: disgust, anger, sadness, fear, confusion, and many more. If God wasn't very real in her life, then I am not sure how much she could endure. There are still days where neither of us is sure how much she can endure, even with her faith in God.

I have prayed for my wife many days that God would remove these awful thoughts from her mind. I am not sure how realistic that prayer is but I still pray it. I want God to fill her with His truth, His love, joy, peace, and ease her weary mind, heart and soul. I still need to be aware of her deep pain, but I wish for it to ease up, for her sake, not mine.

I don't like seeing her hurt so deeply but it was necessary for her healing, and mine. Dave Carder, author of Torn Asunder, says the closest thing to a guarantee he can give a betrayed spouse that their mate will never cheat again is this: the one who betrayed needs to see and experience the deep pain they have caused their spouse.

If you have betrayed your spouse, then you need to see and experience her pain fully. Don't run from it, deny it, minimize it, or avoid it. Let her express herself fully and allow God to use her pain to keep you accountable and on a healing path.

If you have been betrayed, then I hope you will have the courage to express your pain to the one who betrayed you. This doesn't need to be a vengeful, hateful, bitter expression, though it may come out at first. Let yourself grieve while being honest about your anger, hurt, disgust, and fears.

This is no easy journey of healing, which is why so few stick with it. Sin sucks like Hell, but God is good. Apart from Christ, you can do nothing. Abide in His love and comfort and let Him walk with You each step of the way. Don't go at this alone. It's too difficult to do alone.

Ride Through the Storm

Yesterday was tough. Today is much better. We made it through the difficult two days of heavy feelings. That's part of the journey. Not every day will be "peachy." Some days will be very dark and the outcome uncertain. You may feel overwhelmed. Hang in there. It's part of the journey.

In those dark moments, don't turn away from God and toward someone or something else in order to cope. More sin = more problems. That will only add to the struggle. It's probably what led to your problems to begin with. Let God "carry" you. Josh Wilson sings about in his song, "Carry Me." Great song. Great reminder.

God, who has called you into fellowship with His Son Jesus Christ, is faithful. 1 Corinthians 1:9

"Are you mad at me, daddy?"

It has been 21 months since my wife found out that I committed adultery. We are approaching the second full year of recovery. And guess what, we still have difficult days despite the MANY blessings we have experienced throughout this TOUGH process.

Today has been pretty rough. Something happened yesterday at breakfast that triggered some very painful and difficult feelings for my wife.

The internal battle she has had for two days has been very evident, though she didn't express what it was until today.Hearing it from her was like being punched in the gut. I felt as if I had seen a ghost. I had a feeling she was thinking certain thoughts, but hearing it was VERY difficult.She isn't happy with herself for feeling that way, but who can blame her. The things she has to battle against (i.e. the ugly details of my sin) are terrible.

Today after she left the house with the kids, she sent me a text explaining what was so tough for her. When I read it I was in the driveway with my 5 year old daughter. As she road her bike around, she asked me, "Daddy, are you mad at me?" I said, "No. I'm not mad at you." She then said, "Are you mad?" Again, I said, "No." Then she finally asked, "Then why are you making that face?" I told her that I was thinking about something. She seemed okay with my answer and kept riding her bike.

I'm not sure what "face" I was making, but I felt pale and shell shocked. My wife's text was a reality check that the consequences of my sin are very real, even 21 months later. It reminded me again of all the pain I have caused my wife. I am very grateful that my wife was honest with me.

I want to respond well and not make my wife feel as if we need to get over it. The hard part is, I know I can't fix it. I just have to let her work through it. I can pray for her, apologize, and keep doing the hard, worthwhile work of recovery, but I CAN"T fix it. God is her main source of healing.

In His time, we both will be able to work through it. It's a process. Sometimes slower than we prefer. Don't do like far too many couples and give up when things get hard. Stay in the fight. God is faithful and will carry you through.

Recovery Timeline

I have read that it takes about 18 to 36 months to recovery from adultery. Closer to 18 months when you pursue counseling and do things "right" or work hard to heal. Without counseling, it can take closer to 36 months to recover. Also, something alarming, is that couples who end up divorcing as a result of the adultery, do so 18 to 24 months AFTERWARDS. That means, they spent over a year (even close to two years) trying to work it out or stay together, only to eventually divorce. 

That leads me to two thoughts:

1). Your spouse's initial reaction after your adultery is exposed does not mean that's how things will end. If your spouse responds well, then that doesn't guarantee he or she will stay so "positive" or calm. There can be a ricochet response that has a bit of a delayed effect. Once he or she thinks through it, she may choose to bail or not do the hard work of recovery. Some of that depends on you - the one who betrayed her. Your response to your exposed betrayal is very important.

If your spouse responds very poorly and "negatively" after finding out about your affair(s), then that doesn't mean your marriage is over, either. Even if she says she wants a divorce. Her initial response is simply that - initial. She needs time to vent, process what all has happened, and then decide what to do next. It takes time to face such betrayal.Again, your response here is critically important.

2) Surviving adultery is no easy task. Many couples don't do the hard work, for the long haul. Some bail quickly. Some stick with it a few months or even a year or two. Just "surviving" or staying together doesn't equal reconciliation or marriage bliss/healing. Pushing it under the rug and not dealing with it will cause problems later. Short term pain to achieve long term healing is the best approach. This is tough and explains why so few do the real, gut wrenching work. For those who do, it is well worth it.

I am grateful to God and my wife for allowing me to stay married and keep my family intact. We are not simply surviving. With God's help and the help of others, we are actually thriving. We have been through hell and back but it has paid off.

The work is still ongoing. The initial 18 to 24 months of recovery are vitally important, followed by a lifetime of sanctification, growth, accountability, prayer, and investment in our personal growth and marriage growth.

May you persevere and see God do something only He is able to do.
Romans 5:3-5

Moral Failure. Mighty God.

So maybe it’s fair to say that while God doesn’t need our tragedies to transform us, He certainly uses our Plan B’s to bring about change in our lives. Pete Wilson, author of Plan B

In 2011, I joined the “unofficial” list of men who have committed adultery. I became yet another minister (and counselor) who fell into sexual sin and became a “moral failure.” It is a difficult pill to swallow for sure. It is etched in to my story like a permanent tattoo; one that I regret deeply. I now wear an invisible “A” for “recovering adulterer.” It is humbling no doubt, but thankfully God is the hero of my story. My identity is not in my sin; it is in Him – or at least that is what I am striving for daily.

My wife Amy will tell you that she never expected to have this situation occur in our marriage. The pain I put her through is terrible. Her raw and transparent expression of the pain she has felt combined with God’s amazing grace, are very well written about in the last chapter of our book, Moral Failure. Mighty God. It is to be published hopefully this year (2013). I pray that her courage and faith in God will inspire you and your betrayed spouse.

For most of my teen and adult years, I had serious baggage, secrets, and struggles that no one really knew about. Close friends and family members may have known bits and pieces, but the depth of my sin took me down roads that shocked even me. Roads that led to me hurting many others deeply, especially my beloved wife, Amy.

When Amy and I said our vows on May 17, 1997, we said, “For better or for worse.” We didn’t go into it expecting “for worse,” but sadly it happened. It is very difficult to write about and talk about, but it is a reality in our marriage that we can’t change. I would never wish this upon anyone. God didn’t cause it to happen; He allowed it to happen. Now, only He can fix it and use it for good; if we will continue to let Him.

From 2009 to 2011, I was a full time children’s minister, serving on staff and overseeing our children’s and preschool ministries. I was also doing part-time marriage counseling. At the church there were over 200 children under my leadership, along with hundreds of volunteers. Things seemed to be going well, at least on the outside.

On August 26, 2011, I received a phone call from my friend, who was a marriage and family therapist.  He told me to come to his office right away. I said, “For what?” He said, “You know. Just come now please.” When I anxiously arrived at his office, he dropped a bomb on me that I knew would fall at some point but hoped it never would. He told me that my secret was out and that he now knew about my affairs with some women in the church. One of them confessed it to him earlier that morning.

He told me to call Amy and have her come to the office. He said not to give her details but to just come right away. I also called my associate pastor and told him. Amy wanted to know what was going on but I wouldn’t tell her over the phone, especially since she was driving. She knew something was bad wrong and started putting things together in her head on the way. One of the worst days of her life had arrived. I had to tell her that I had been unfaithful to her, and on more than one occasion, with people who were close to her.

Betrayal. Devastation. Heartbreak. This was a very dark day. It still is a painful reminder of the sin that nearly cost me everything. It is a day that has changed us forever.

Two days after I confessed to Amy, I was asked by my pastor to tell the church, publically. That was definitely not something I wanted to do. That Sunday morning at the end of what seemed to be a day long worship service (it was really only an hour and 15 minutes), I stood up and told the congregation of 600+ that I was resigning immediately - due to marital unfaithfulness. The shame I felt was overwhelming. The looks on people’s faces are etched in my brain forever. That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. For years I had kept this secret shame hidden, but I now had to openly share it with hundreds of people. The grace I experienced from over 100 people who prayed for us that day was very healing, but the months to follow were very dark, painful, and difficult - to say the least.

God broke me down immediately. My shame was out and I felt relief in some ways. I no longer had to hide this part of my life, but the damage was huge. The healing path would take tremendous courage no doubt. God would have to show up and carry us through.

God changed my heart and gave me a love for my wife like never before. I wish it didn’t take such a horrible sin to humble me and help me start to find healing. I am grateful that we are still together and that our marriage is better than ever. At the writing of this book, we are in year two of our healing and have had to overcome huge odds to be where we are today. God is no doubt our refuge and strength. He gets the glory for sure.

Though many people still have very negative feelings toward me (rightfully so), and I am still in the early stages of recovery, I desire to pass on what God has done. My experience of brokenness and God’s work in my life is what led to the writing of this book. I wasn’t planning on writing a book. God laid it on my heart to do so. I have seen way too many people struggle to embrace their brokenness and do similar “sins” to themselves and others as a result.

            I am not proud of my past. I wish I could take back all the wrong I have done, but I can’t. The best I can do is change how I live in the present and future. Not just for me and my wife, but for my children’s future families. I want to break the generational curse of adultery that has been in my family’s history for far too long. I want it to end with me.

Our prayer is that you are helped and find hope that God will do something amazing. There are no guarantees of the outcome of your situation, but God is good, no matter what happens. Trust Him and pray like your life depends on it. Well, your life does depend on it, better yet, it depends on Him. He is the author and perfecter of our faith. Apart from Him we can do nothing.