Thursday, May 23, 2013

"Are you mad at me, daddy?"

It has been 21 months since my wife found out that I committed adultery. We are approaching the second full year of recovery. And guess what, we still have difficult days despite the MANY blessings we have experienced throughout this TOUGH process.

Today has been pretty rough. Something happened yesterday at breakfast that triggered some very painful and difficult feelings for my wife.

The internal battle she has had for two days has been very evident, though she didn't express what it was until today.Hearing it from her was like being punched in the gut. I felt as if I had seen a ghost. I had a feeling she was thinking certain thoughts, but hearing it was VERY difficult.She isn't happy with herself for feeling that way, but who can blame her. The things she has to battle against (i.e. the ugly details of my sin) are terrible.

Today after she left the house with the kids, she sent me a text explaining what was so tough for her. When I read it I was in the driveway with my 5 year old daughter. As she road her bike around, she asked me, "Daddy, are you mad at me?" I said, "No. I'm not mad at you." She then said, "Are you mad?" Again, I said, "No." Then she finally asked, "Then why are you making that face?" I told her that I was thinking about something. She seemed okay with my answer and kept riding her bike.

I'm not sure what "face" I was making, but I felt pale and shell shocked. My wife's text was a reality check that the consequences of my sin are very real, even 21 months later. It reminded me again of all the pain I have caused my wife. I am very grateful that my wife was honest with me.

I want to respond well and not make my wife feel as if we need to get over it. The hard part is, I know I can't fix it. I just have to let her work through it. I can pray for her, apologize, and keep doing the hard, worthwhile work of recovery, but I CAN"T fix it. God is her main source of healing.

In His time, we both will be able to work through it. It's a process. Sometimes slower than we prefer. Don't do like far too many couples and give up when things get hard. Stay in the fight. God is faithful and will carry you through.

No comments:

Post a Comment