Facing the "Giants"

Yesterday I drove 3 1/2 hours to Jackson, MS to meet with my licensing board for my marriage and family therapy license. It was an "informal" hearing to discuss my case and probation. I had no idea what to expect, but I wanted to meet them face to face to make it more personal. It was also a huge step for me in order to try to make things right and own up to my consequences.

In May 2012, I reported my unethical behavior to the licensing board. I knew I had to if I was going to do counseling here in North MS. I didn't know what the outcome would be, but if God was leading me to counsel for a living, then I knew He would work it out. Over a year and a half later, I sat in front of the board members, facing them about my painful past. It was humbling no doubt.

I arrived to the meeting room and sat down with about 10 other people. These were credentialed social workers and marriage and family therapists. Colleagues. Prior to that meeting, I was simply a "case file" for them to discuss, at least that's how it seemed in my head. I went to the meeting to accept my consequences in person and ask for a reduction in sentence, if at all possible, since it had been 2 1/2 years since my recovery process started. I was not there to defend myself.

At the start of the meeting, the lawyer called the meeting into order and the details of my situation were read out loud. The lead case manager was updating the other board members of the case. They each had copies of all of the information I provided them. It was tough to hear the "facts" of my situation and try to anticipate how people would respond. I prayed that I would not let my shame overtake me but that I would stay calm and feel God's peace. God came through. I stayed calm, shared from my heart, and awaited the final verdict.

Facing the Board members was difficult, but since going public in front of 600 people about my "sins," and living out our recovery publicly in many ways, it was not as difficult in comparison. It is an indication of God's grace and provision, plus a sign of growth for me. I spent so many years unwilling to accept responsibility for my actions. It is a much better experience to take responsibility for my sin without resorting to blame, insecurity, and shame/self-hatred.

I wish I would never have done the terrible things I did. I misused my license, credentials, Christian witness, wedding vows, and was very selfish and hurtful in so many ways, to say the least. I deserved the worst outcome. I am grateful, though, that I have experienced both discipline and consequences AND God's grace and mercy. They both are necessary and crucial to my recovery.

This past week, I was on "edge" and a bit irritable. Leading up to my meeting was more difficult than I realized because today I feel so much better. Yesterday, I went from feeling very nervous and a bit overwhelmed, to feeling relief and some closure. Though the probation requirements will be difficult, I feel better about meeting with the Board members and sharing a bit of my story.

I see this past week as another spiritual marker. It is another piece of the recovery process. I want to let it mold and shape me more and more. I want to continue to take my recovery seriously and become a stronger follower of Christ, a stronger leader of my wife and family, and a stronger person all together. I want to learn how to be a better "servant-leader," and not give in to fear, shame, doubt, or insecurity. One day at a time. One choice at a time. One victory at a time.

As Pastor Whit says every week, "God is good, Amen?" I have seen and felt His goodness once again. For that I am humbled, amazed, and overwhelmed with gratitude.