My Marriage

There are life lessons that I have had to learn as a near 40 year old that honestly I wish I would have learned as a young teen/adult. As a Christ follower, God calls me, through a personal walk with Him and the Holy Spirit, to love, serve, forgive, discipline, and more unconditionally - as He does for me. My flesh battles against selfishness, fear, pride, shame, lust, anger, bitterness, etc, but God is always leading me to Himself, His truth, His love, and the fruit of His Spirit.

You always hear people say that "if mama ain't happy then no body's happy." I get that. But, according to Scripture, I as the husband have been given the role of leader of my home. I believe I set the tone for the home. If I am checked out, harsh, impatient, defensive, negative, etc, then I believe it will set the tone for the home in a negative way. If I am leading well, humble, confident, loving, and active in my home, then I believe it will change the tone of the home as well - for the good. For a majority of our marriage, I didn't quite grasp this concept. It finally hit me like a ton of bricks this summer. Now, I realize it more and more and want to take seriously my influence on the spiritual and emotional climate of my home. It's a daily struggle to undo so many years of neglect, but I am seeing it grow gradually.

Two weeks ago I started feeling disconnected from Amy, angry, lonely, and those feelings sucked the life out of my joy and peace - and hers. It was not a good place. I hated feeling that way. Amy hated me feeling that way because of how I was treating her. We didn't argue, but there was a distance and tension that had not been present in a long time.

It was the first time in nearly three years that I had felt such tension toward her emotionally and mentally. Sadly, we spent YEARS prior to 2011 with me feeling and acting that way. I am not sure how we made it. Better yet, I am not sure how she made it with me being so difficult, defensive, negative, hateful, selfish, unloving, and deeply insecure.

After two very long weeks, Amy and I talked candidly last Thursday. She got out her feelings, though I was still not having fond thoughts. I was glad to hear her open up, though. It made me think through some things and let go of my pride and fear. Over the weekend she and I talked again. On Saturday, I talked to a Christian brother and verbally let out my struggle very transparently. On Monday, I met with my pastor and another brother and talked very transparently yet again. I was determined to get this stuff out and find some peace and clarity. I am happy to say that the anger has left me, and I feel very close to Amy again. What a blessing! I was getting fearful that we were not going to be able to turn it around.

Opening up to Amy and other Christian brothers was something I neglected to do prior to 2011. I am grateful for people in my life that are willing to walk with me through this journey. I am thankful Amy has stuck with me, and we are growing despite the "earthquake" of 2011, that still has some aftershocks.

We are not out of the "woods" yet, but we got some hope and peace back this week. We have survived yet another "funk" that felt very dim and dark and uncertain. God is good. He is faithful to answer prayers. He is very gracious. I could not make it without the Lord's loving presence and guidance.

I want to love and lead my wife and family, even during the "funks." But, I keep getting reminded that when Amy and I feel close and connected and fond of one another, there isn't much in life that we will face that we can't boldly attack and survive. When I feel her delight and I delight in her, then I feel like a million bucks. Fear decreases. Peace increases. Confidence goes up. Joy is more present. Focus and purpose becomes clearer.

Amy blogged twice in the past week, which is a good indication of God's work in her. It's a great post from yesterday that made me smile and reminisce with joy and gladness. God is the hero of our story. For that, I am forever grateful and never want to forget that.Check it out - Enjoying God's Goodness.

If you are struggling and feel like you are in the middle of a valley, then press on. He is with you. He will never forsake you, even if you feel as if He has. Hold on to truth and faith. Plead with Him to give you a glimmer of hope. Seek Him with your whole heart and mind and soul. He will be found. He wants you to find Him and see Him and delight in Him. He's not holding out on you.

"Integrity is what you do when no one is watching. It is also doing the thing you said you were going to do long after the mood you said it in has left you." Jeff Olson, The Slight Edge