Coyotes and Life Lessons

When I was a child, we lived in the country. We had chickens, rabbits, cows, horses, cats, and dogs. It was part of our world, and I never remember a time without some type of pet or animal around. With so many animals around, we also had a problem with coyotes. They would frequently visit and try to kill our rabbits and chickens. They often succeeded.

I still have vivid memories of my dad going out with a shotgun and running them off late at night. He eventually put up a fence in the back yard to hinder them from getting easy access to the animals. It was a scary deal for me as a child, that eventually led to nightmares.

I remember having a reoccurring nightmare. I would be in my backyard and see a pack of coyotes behind the fence in the woods. For some reason, I was in the middle of the yard between my house and the fence. Their eyes would light up (when it was dark), and then they would all start chasing me. I ran as fast as I could to my back glass porch door; pulled it open frantically, and then shut it just in time. They would then crash into the glass, and I would wake up in a panic. It was not a pleasant nightmare!

When I started deer hunting around the age of 12, those nightmares still hindered my ability to enjoy hunting. It even carried into adulthood. I would be in the woods, walking in the dark, and feel like I was being followed by coyotes. It felt as if I was being stalked. I was a nervous wreck! Even as an adult, I have had to work through these irrational fears. I am way better and don't struggle with it near as much, but it still lingers from time to time. By the end of each deer season, I am ready for a mental break from hunting. It seems nuts, but it has been quite aggravating and hindering.

These types of thoughts are not rational. I have never been attacked by a coyote. I had early traumatic events related to coyotes, but I never had an actual real life event occur. For me, there are other irrational "fears" and "beliefs" that I have had to "take captive unto Christ" and allow God to "transform." Thoughts such as self-hatred, feelings of inadequacy, etc.

My parents never said they hated me or that I wasn't good enough. I don't recall other people saying those words either. However, there were numerous moments where I "perceived" those feelings. I internalized many different experiences as rejection and not being good enough. What felt like a lack of acceptance from people I cared about, soon turned inwardly to self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy. I turned to seeking approval from others and in my performance as an athlete. Neither produced freedom from these feelings; they actually led to my downfall.

We recently heard a guy speak at the Advocare Success School, named Erik Wahl. He is a very successful painter/artist and speaker now, but he said when he was age 10, a teacher told him he wasn't very good at painting. That one statement took him 20 years to get over. He put down his paintbrushes for 20 years, and finally had the courage to paint again after his therapist encouraged him to do so as part of his healing from a loss of his career/job.

Isn't it amazing how words can speak life or death? One statement may motivate someone to press on and work harder, while another one causes someone else to shut down completely. One person may see it as helpful, while the other sees it as rejection.

For me, coyotes represent fear and anxiety. Disapproval and failure represent feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred. Neither are rational; neither are from God, and neither lead to life and freedom. Every day I have a choice: will I let Christ redeem my thoughts, my emotions and give me the courage to press on DESPITE my irrational fears, or give in to them and go down the road of shame, despair and failure? 

Evidence of my healing since August 2011 is that some things that used to cripple me, now have less effect on me and actually help motivate me to press on. I still need to see results and God's activity in and around me or I become vulnerable to doubt, but in general I try to stay steady and trust God's "daily bread."

One statement that kept me in the fight to get healing and save my marriage was said by Amy. She told me the first week or two after I dropped a bomb on her, "I don't know if you are man enough to do what it takes to get healing and make this right." She's likely to feel embarrassed that I am telling this story, but it has meant a lot to me. I wanted so desperately to do unlike ever before - to be man enough THROUGH CHRIST and turn things around. No more self-hatred. No more secrecy. No more lying and cheating. Just full submission to Christ and allowing Him to transform me from the inside-out.

God is my greatest hero. Amy is my second hero. Her faith and courage are inspiring. I am grateful to still be her husband and the father to my children. God is good.