I asked Collin one night after a long day of me feeling very irritable, "Do you ever get in a bad mood and don't know why?" He said, "Yes." I then confessed my terrible mood and apologized for being so reactive that day. He and I had a great talk. He is very insightful. He revealed to me how important it is for me to stay aware of their need to be affirmed and blessed by me. They also need my discipline and guidance. I want to balance it well, but I have missed the mark I must admit.
I have also had some days of overflowing joy. I am experiencing numerous blessings that I am grateful for. God is at work in and around me, and I want to take it all in. I want to experience His abundance, in whatever form that may mean. I want to live out of overflow and amazement of Him. Moving into year three of our healing journey has allowed me to do that more fully. Various circumstances and difficulties that still exist due to my consequences from 2011 (and way before) make it challenging, but not hopeless.
It's tempting in the midst of difficulties to lose heart and feel overwhelmed. I have to battle against it daily, though the stronger I get in this area, the more I am able to press on instead of giving in to despair or shame. I try to look at my circumstances more neutrally. Instead of letting myself get all worked up and burdened by "what if's" or think about all of the regrets I have, I think about my walk with God. He's with me. He knows my need and struggle. He wants me to trust and obey, and trust His heart. My heart and affection is what He longs for.
When difficulties arise, it's tempting to focus on solutions and try to fix things on my own. As Stephen Eyre said about our struggle to feel God's presence: "Scripture becomes a book of principles to be applied. Prayer is a shopping list of things God is supposed to do. Difficulties in life are problems God is supposed to solve. When we are blind to God, what God is doing in us in the midst of difficulties is overlooked."
On my own, I can't fix anything. I want to follow His lead and do only what He leads me to do. At times, He delays in showing me what to do next. Those moments of silence make it tough, especially when panic tries to set in. God sees the big picture, I don't. When I abide in Him and trust His provision, I better submit to Him and enjoy the process more fully. I am going to have ups and downs emotionally and spiritually, but He remains true and steady. That's good to know!
This morning I was tempted to start trying to figure out several things that don't really have an answer yet. In time, I will see the fruit of my pursuits, but it may take time; God's time. Like David in the Psalms, I want to thirst for God and know Him more and more. Focusing on my difficulties or circumstances won't lead to that. "Growing in appreciation of God's might, majesty, and beauty" will. What a ride to be on, one day at a time. God never promised it to be easy but it's a journey worth pursuing.
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Psalm 42, The Message (MSG)
42 1-3 A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek; I want to drink God, deep draughts of God. I’m thirsty for God-alive. I wonder, “Will I ever make it— arrive and drink in God’s presence?” I’m on a diet of tears—tears for breakfast, tears for supper. All day long people knock at my door, Pestering, “Where is this God of yours?”
4 These are the things I go over and over, emptying out the pockets of my life.
I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd, right out in front, Leading them all, eager to arrive and worship, Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving—celebrating, all of us, God’s feast!
5 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God— soon I’ll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He’s my God.
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