As I have said in many of my blog posts, I don't know why it took such a tragedy to wake me up, AND I don't know why God saw fit to save me and our marriage. I am forever grateful and want to continually give Him the credit and allow Him to use it for good.
As we continue in year three of our recovery, to thrive more and more, I have to work on many areas of my life that are causing me to be "uncomfortable." It is uncomfortable in a different way than it was in the first two years. Now, it's about letting God mature me mentally and "toughen" me up to face areas of my life that I have avoided and been afraid to change/face.
Three areas that come to mind:
1. Public speaking
2. Spiritually leading my family
3. Financial freedom/intelligence/confidence, etc.
All three in their own particular way trigger feelings of insecurity for me. I am determined to change this. I am reading, listening to audios, praying, journaling, and applying knowledge learned in each of these areas. Guess what, IT HAS BEEN VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. I get overwhelmed at times, and the past few weeks have stretched me quite a bit. But that's okay.
As someone said (I can't remember who said it): Do what it is uncomfortable long enough until it becomes comfortable.
This is obviously not talking about sinful things but areas of personal development and spiritual maturity. In the past, I would have avoided dealing with these areas of my life. I would have either been irritated every time my feelings of inadequacy popped up, or I would have been highly defensive and/or avoidant of doing anything about it. God has given me the courage to face them head on. Amy and I have survived a major life tragedy and know God is able to do what seems impossible. He is taking us deeper and deeper into a fuller understanding of who He is. It's quite amazing to witness firsthand.
It is still a struggle to undo years of thinking and settling. That's why it is called a "process" or "journey." It's a progressive thing, not a one time event. There are days I wish things were simpler and would "instantaneously" improve, but that would be a disservice to me and my family, and beyond. It's the process that produces the "fruit."
In a parable in the Bible, the man asked Jesus, "If you are able..." Jesus said, "If I am able?" Jesus is very "able" and capable of doing way more than we give Him credit or allow Him to do. The better question for us to ask is, "Am I willing to let Him do all that He wants to do in and through my life?" Do I live life to the fullest "for His name sake" and seek to make an impact on our lost world? Many days I don't. On the days I do, it's life changing - and not just for me. It goes way beyond my small world and life.
I don't want to be known for being a Christ follower who "settles" for less than God's best. I also don't want to be remembered only for being a "moral failure." I don't want my story to end there. "But by the grace of God" it won't. It's part of our story, but new chapters are being written.
I want to be a living example of someone who God has transformed and done miracles in and through. As John the Baptist said, "I must decrease. He must increase." This happens through surrender, trust, submission, belief, and humility. It is all initiated by God, and He will carry it "on to completion." That's truth and good news. I want to hang on until He calls me home! Come Holy Spirit!
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Colossians 1:21, HCSB
21 Once you were alienated and hostile in your minds because of your evil actions. 22 But now He has reconciled you by His physical body[k] through His death, to present you holy, faultless, and blameless before Him— 23 if indeed you remain grounded and steadfast in the faith and are not shifted away from the hope of the gospel that you heard. This gospel has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and I, Paul, have become a servant of it.
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