10 Things Successful People Never Do Again

Success Magazine Article from June 24, 2014

by Dr. Henry Cloud (author of Boundaries, and many more)

We all make mistakes but the people who thrive from their mistakes are the successful ones.

“Never go back.” What does that mean? From observations of successful people, clinical psychologist and author of Never Go Back: 10 Things You'll Never Do Again (Howard Books, June 2014), Dr. Henry Cloud has discovered certain “awakenings” that people have—in life and in business—that once they have them, they never go back to the old way of doing things. And when that happens, they are never the same. In short, they got it.

“Years ago, a bad business decision of mine led to an interesting discussion with my mentor,” Dr. Cloud says. “I had learned a valuable lesson the hard way, and he reassured me: ‘The good thing is once you learn that lesson, you never go back. You never do it again.’

“I wondered, what are the key awakenings that successful people go through that forever change how they do things, which propel them to succeed in business, relationships, and life? I began to study these awakenings, researching them over the years.”

Although life and business have many lessons to teach us, Dr. Cloud observed 10 “doorways” of learning that high performers go through, never to return again.

Successful people never again…

1. Return to what hasn’t worked. Whether a job, or a broken relationship that was ended for a good reason, we should never go back to the same thing, expecting different results, without something being different.

2. Do anything that requires them to be someone they are not. In everything we do, we have to ask ourselves, “Why am I doing this? Am I suited for it? Does it fit me? Is it sustainable?” If the answer is no to any of these questions, you better have a very good reason to proceed.

3. Try to change another person. When you realize that you cannot force someone into doing something, you give him or her freedom and allow them to experience the consequences. In doing so, you find your own freedom as well.

4. Believe they can please everyone. Once you get that it truly is impossible to please everyone, you begin to live purposefully, trying to please the right people.

5. Choose short-term comfort over long-term benefit. Once successful people know they want something that requires a painful, time-limited step, they do not mind the painful step because it gets them to a long-term benefit. Living out this principle is one of the most fundamental differences between successful and unsuccessful people, both personally and professionally.

6. Trust someone or something that appears flawless. It’s natural for us to be drawn to things and people that appear "incredible." We love excellence and should always be looking for it. We should pursue people who are great at what they do, employees who are high performers, dates who are exceptional people, friends who have stellar character, and companies that excel. But when someone or something looks too good to be true, he, she, or it is. The world is imperfect. Period. No one and no thing is without flaw, and if they appear that way, hit pause.

7. Take their eyes off the big picture. We function better emotionally and perform better in our lives when we can see the big picture. For successful people, no one event is ever the whole story. Winners remember that – each and every day.

8. Neglect to do due diligence. No matter how good something looks on the outside, it is only by taking a deeper, diligent, and honest look that we will find out what we truly need to know: the reality that we owe ourselves.

9. Fail to ask why they are where they find themselves. One of the biggest differences between successful people and others is that in love and in life, in relationships and in business, successful people always ask themselves, what part am I playing in this situation? Said another way, they do not see themselves only as victims, even when they are.

10. Forget that their inner life determines their outer success. The good life sometimes has little to do with outside circumstances. We are happy and fulfilled mostly by who we are on the inside. Research validates that. And our internal lives largely contribute to producing many of our external circumstances.

And, the converse is true: people who are still trying to find success in various areas of life can almost always point to one or more of these patterns as a reason they are repeating the same mistakes.

Everyone makes mistakes…even the most successful people out there. But, what achievers do better than others is recognize the patterns that are causing those mistakes and never repeat them again. In short, they learn from pain—their own and the pain of others.

A good thing to remember is this: pain is unavoidable, but repeating the same pain twice, when we could choose to learn and do something different, is certainly avoidable. I like to say, “we don’t need new ways to fail….the old ones are working just fine!” Our task, in business and in life, is to observe what they are, and never go back to doing them again.


For a link to the original article, click this link: SUCCESS 

Killing Lions

This is a powerful video by John Eldridge. Man, I wish I would have been humble and brave enough as a young adult to let older men invest in me, rather than going solo and off the deep end.

This 4 to 5 minute video is incredible. 
Killing Lions and Older Men

Camp and A Long Lost Passion

Amy and I just got back from a week of camp, with our two boys and their children's ministry group. It was an incredible experience - for many reasons. It awoke a passion in me for children's ministry that has been stalled and dormant for many years. In 2011, I honestly never expected to get the opportunity (or to even want to), do camp or anything related to children's ministry. I also never thought I would be worthy or able to do it.

I don't fully know what to do with this new found passion (or long lost passion). I have moments of fear and regret that swarm me due to my awful past. At the same time, I have feelings of excitement, humility, and gratitude that God is still working in me. I don't know where this will lead, but I am praying that God will guide it, bless it, protect it, and be honored in it - whatever "it" is or could become.
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Galatians 5:1

It is for freedom that Christ has set you free; therefore do not be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

"Whine without ceasing?"

There is a Bible verse that says to "pray without ceasing" or "pray about everything." I pray often, but lately I believe my praying has turned to whining, sadly. I don't like it when my children whine, but I do it to God. Not cool. Not fun to admit. Humble pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

There is another verse that says "by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God." The words, "with thanksgiving," are important to note. Whining comes from fear, selfishness, self-pity, doubt, despair, confusion, entitlement, and ungratefulness. These things fade away when my heart is full of faith, hope, and gratitude, and is grounded in His truth and my enjoyment of Him.

This week I want my prayers to start shifting. I want to pray for the Lord to show me more of Himself, not just answer my prayers of relief, guidance, provision, or career. I want to enjoy HIM, not just what He can do for me. I want to hang out with Him, talk to Him, listen to Him, and even laugh with Him. Enough whining. He knows my heart, He knows my needs, and He is good. He will never leave me nor forsake me. It's a secure relationship, with a loving Father, who corrects, disciplines, guides, comforts, leads, and loves.

What a difference my life would look like if I learned to laugh with Jesus and desire to know Him more personally, more deeply, and more freely.

That way, when life gets overwhelming and my emotions are screaming out in despair and fear, I will naturally run to Him and find joy and peace, rather than panic and doubt. I had to confess and repent again this morning. Thankfully His mercies are new every morning. Lord knows I need His mercy every day. I am sure tomorrow, or soon, I will drift back to doubt and fear and "whine." The good thing is that He is gracious. Man, He is truly a "friend of sinners."

  

Idols

It has been nearly 33 months since our "recovery" started; the day of our marriage earthquake. And, we both still have days and weeks that can be overwhelming, cause deep sadness, and seem too much to bear. However, when we aren't in these "funks," things are great. The fact that Amy and I are closer than ever in our marriage is continually a humbling and amazing truth. We haven't "arrived" but are grateful.We don't ever want to settle for less than God's best.

I just came out of yet another three+ week funk. I had days I begged God for relief, while recognizing that things could get and/or be worse (though I pray it doesn't come to that). I don't like to discuss why things are so hard, so I will just sum it up - God is showing me that my heart has an idol of false security and a false sense of identity. He is graciously tearing them down and stripping me of their lies. As I told a Christian brother on the phone the other day, "This is hard as hell, but I am thankful for it since I believe God is doing it for a greater purpose." I was being honest. It is TOUGH, but I need it. I have wasted too much of my life to keep going back to what is "familiar." I am tired of "same ole, same ole."

"Why is God stripping me of my idols and disciplining me?" It's a good question that I often ponder. Another question, maybe even a better one, is "How can I still have idols on my heart?" That seems crazy after what we've been through. As Nacho Libre says, "Let's get down to the nitty gritty." The deep, core issues of my heart still need to be addressed and healed. My Heavenly Papa is good and refuses to let me walk in darkness. I have to trust His heart and character and truth. I admit my emotions run rampant and wreak havoc on my joy and peace. My soul cries out for relief, while trying to honor Him with my thoughts and deeds. He gently walks with me and comforts me, even if in small, subtle ways. 

When I tell guys who are facing the adultery recovery journey how hard things need to be, are going to be, and must be (since God's discipline and consequences aren't meant to be easy), they often get confused, disheartened, and maybe even think I am being negative. I may overload them with too much information, but I feel compelled to warn them and plead with them to be mindful of it and fully submit to God's way.

When our fallout happened, I needed to feel the weight of my sin and the pain I caused Amy and many others. Nearly three years later, I still need to walk through the painful journey of healing, while letting God transform my heart and mind daily. I am frequently reminded of God's amazing grace. The fact that I have a story to tell where He is the hero is no small thing. If He never answers another prayer of ours, then everything He has done should be sufficient. I hope I never forget that.

Self-Centeredness

I am slowly working through the book, The Meaning of Marriage, by Timothy and Kathy Keller. It has some great insights to marriage, from a Christian and Biblical mindset. The ongoing search to understand how to best lead and love Amy and my children as called by God is getting clearer and clearer the more I read and study. Putting it all into practice is still a challenge, but I hope to keep striving and "failing forward."

Ephesians 5:21 says to, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." and Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her." Keller says that a big problem that usually keeps marriages stuck is self-centeredness. I can attest to that, since I lived way too many years with a negative, prideful, selfish, insecure mindset. I still can't believe Amy stuck with me all those years, and then still sticks with me despite what I put her through. Her love and faith never ceases to amaze me. She inspires me to keep letting God tear me down, so He can build me into the man, husband and father my family wants and needs.

Look at these words Keller wrote in chapter two that sums up solid truth about the key to a thriving, Godly marriage, and a remedy for self-centeredness:

Self-centeredness by its very character makes you blind to your own while being hypersensitive, offended, and angered by that of others. The result is always a downward spiral into self-pity, anger, and despair, as the relationship gets eaten away to nothing.

But the gospel, brought home to your heart by the Spirit, can make you happy enough to be humble, giving you an internal fullness that frees you to be generous with the other even when you are not getting the satisfaction you want out of the relationship. Without the help of the Spirit, without a continual refilling of your soul's tank with the glory and love of the Lord, such submission to the interests of the other is virtually impossible to accomplish for any length of time without becoming resentful. I call this "love economics." You can only afford to be generous if you actually have some money in the bank to give. In the same way, if your only source of love and meaning is your spouse, then anytime he or she fails you, it will not just cause grief but a psychological cataclysm. If, however, you know something of the work of the Spirit in your life, you have enough love "in the bank" to be generous to your spouse even when you are not getting much affection or kindness in the moment..

To have a marriage that sings requires a Spirit-created ability to serve, to take yourself out of the center, to put the needs of others ahead of your own. The Spirit's works of making the gospel real to the heart weakens the self-centeredness in the soul. It is impossible for us to make major headway against self-centeredness and move into a stance of service without some kind of supernatural help. 

I want this to be my mindset. I pray that God enables me and Amy to live this out daily. What a powerful reminder of the meaning of marriage according to God's economy.

Hope and Passion

Hope is the power that gives a person the confidence to step out and try. Zig Ziglar
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"If you want something, be passionate. Passion gives energy to your life.” Passion is a combination of love and hate. “If you want something you do not have, find out why you love what you want and why you hate not having what you want. When you combine those two thoughts, you will find the energy to go get anything you want.” Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad

Desire

The Psalm says, "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." The world says delight yourself in the world and it will give you the desires of your flesh. Two very different paths and outcomes.

As I continue to seek God's guidance, I realize that I long for His desires and to live out His calling, while struggling to feel worthy and confused at times. When Jesus died, Peter went back to fishing, his previous occupation. He gave up His desire and hope for following the Lord. Jesus had other plans. Jesus restored Peter and helped him bust through his failures and start his true calling - to be a disciple of Christ - no matter the cost.

How often do I drift back toward "fishing" and give up on pursuing God's desires in my heart? Shame and fear can keep me stuck. I don't want to give up pursuing God's calling and live out the desires He has put in my heart. I also don't want to let the world and my flesh lead my decisions either. A great book that addresses this head on is John Eldredge's book, Desire. The free audio download is awesome stuff.

“We generally change ourselves for one of two reasons: inspiration or desperation.” — Jim Rohn

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask, "What makes me come alive?" and then go do that. The world needs men who have come alive." John Eldredge

For the One Who Betrayed

When someone comes to me for help with adultery, I am both sad and honored. It is a rampant problem, but I am thankful people are trusting me to try to help them. It can be overwhelming at times, but it is a hugely important process.

I've had several men get a bit aggravated with me when I give them some steps to take in order to walk the path of adultery recovery. I try to tell them that I am for them, but it still can be a hard pill to swallow for many of them. I remember getting very upset with Bob, our therapist in Branson, MO, who basically told Amy to guard her heart because he wasn't sure I was repentant and sorrowful. He even told the story of a pastor who had been unfaithful but turned things around, until two years later repeated the offense. I didn't want to hear that on day one of our four day intensive! I was not happy with Bob, however, the rest of the week was life changing.

As I posted last week, it's great for men to want to do the right thing as a husband and father. However, they can't simply feel bad, apologize, ask God for forgiveness, and then move on with their life. The devastation has been caused, and they need to walk back through it, slowly and painfully.

It's like this. If I was a burglar and went into some one's home, destroyed and stole everything valuable to them, and then came up to them the next week and told them how sorry I was and how wrong I was, how would they react? They would probably call the cops and feel violated and upset. They may eventually forgive me, but just because I suddenly feel bad doesn't mean they are ready to just get over it. It would take time, lots of work, and there would be no guarantee that I would be off the hook anytime soon.

Well, when we commit adultery, we are worse than that burglar or bomber. We are destroying trust, integrity, vows, and much more. How can we expect our spouse to get over it quickly, just because we feel bad? It will take years to work through the muck and mud and "debris." It is unfair to the betrayed spouse to be told "can't we just move forward?" A truly loving and repentant spouse will give their betrayed spouse as much time as they need. They will do whatever it takes, as long as it takes to win back their heart and get the help needed to walk through this and out of this path of destruction.
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Here are a few key steps I tell the unfaithful spouse to take that usually doesn't settle well with them but are important for the healing process:

1.  Come clean. Get it all out. Don't lie anymore or water down the truth.

2. Don't expect your betrayed spouse to be nurturing, comforting or feel bad for you when this all comes out. Don't look to her for your nurturing. Find a male mentor to walk with you through this.

3. Get an STD test if there was any physical or sexual contact.

4. If there were financial issues and lying, then pull a credit report and let your spouse have it. Print out all bank statements, too, if she is still unsure of your financial spending history. Come clean with all spending issues, including gambling, etc.

5. Stop promising the moon and telling her how great of a husband and father you are going to be. She needs to see your hurt, sorrow, and repentance. Feel the weight of your sin and walk through the devastation you have caused. When with her, tend to her needs, her hurts, and her anger. Let her get it all out and don't be defensive or give in to entitlement. When alone, ask God to show you the weight of your sin and the hurts, shame, and other reasons you chose to commit adultery. Ask Him to prune and "sift" your heart, removing and healing everything that is not submitted to Him.

6. You may need to change jobs or careers if the other woman works there, or your job/career or type of business is a set up for disaster. If you are constantly tempted or in situations that could lead to future betrayal, then it may be time to make some changes, or at least start the process. Your unwillingness to make changes is a huge red flag to your betrayed spouse. If you don't alter your life in order to protect your integrity and increase her ability to work toward trusting you again, then you will limit your recovery.

7. Change your phone number if the other woman(en) still has access to you. This may not be "convenient" but it is not about what's convenient. It's about taking drastic measures to protect your integrity and marriage, and win back your spouse's heart and trust.

8. Read all you can and get serious about finding out the message of your affair(s). Saying, "You know I don't like to read" is a cop out. Get audio books if you can't force yourself to read. Again, an unwillingness to change is a huge red flag and barrier. Self-discovery and spiritual insights are going to be important. Get mentored. Journal. Pray. Ask for feedback from other men. Get accountable. Books to consider are: Taking Every Thought Captive, by Mark Laaser. The Seven Habits of Highly Accountable Men, by Mark Laaser. Close Calls, by Dave Carder. The True Measure of a Man, by Richard E. Simmons, III.

9. Call two to three wise, mature, godly men every week to check in and be honest with them about your hurts, temptations, fears, and struggles. Don't wait until you are in a situation that is over your head. Get used to coming clean and being open and honest, even when you aren't overwhelmed and tempted.
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I am sure there are others that I haven't listed. These will get you started. If you are unwilling to be uncomfortable for the next couple of years and do the hard work of letting God have His way with your heart and life, then it may hinder your ability to win back your wife's heart AND get the full healing you need long term. Even if your marriage doesn't work out, it is still important for you to do all you can to get full healing.

There is no guarantee these steps will save your marriage. It may be too late. However, doing the hard work of recovery regardless is best for you, your children, and so many more. Don't do these steps just for your wife, because if your marriage doesn't work out, then you will think it was all a waste. As the saying goes, "God never wastes a hurt." Let Him turn this evil into something good, regardless of the outcome.

I pray that my wife Amy has felt cared for in our adultery recovery and healing. I don't know why God has allowed me to still be married and have a marriage closer than ever. I am grateful, yet I know there is still a lot of work to do. I still have areas of my life to experience healing. With God's help and others, Amy and I are going to break free and let God continue to move us toward "thriving" and not just surviving.

Christian Men Who Commit Adultery

I was a Christian, minister, husband, and father when I walked down the ugly patch of adultery. There are so many reasons I should have said no. I failed. The pain was deep and the consequences, life-long. God's grace is huge and sufficient, but the bomb that went off with my sins caused lots of debris. Now, I want to do the long term work of recovery and healing, for my sake, God's name sake, Amy's sake, my children's sake, other believers sake, and for lost people's sake. With God's help, I hope and pray for this to happen.

Lately, I have been receiving lots of calls for adultery recovery. I share with certain clients about my personal journey with adultery to try and ease their mind, sober their thinking, give them hope, and to confront their denial and temptation to skip certain key steps. Many of them don't want to hear about the hard road, though they know it is the truth. The hardest people so far to embrace this harsh reality are Christian men.

A lot of Christian men feel a huge sense of shame and regret for adultery. That's a good thing. They often spend a lot of time in prayer and reflection when they get "busted." Another good thing. Often times they feel a new found freedom in their walk with Christ and the relief of not having to lie anymore sets in. This is not a bad thing, UNLESS, they focus so much on this new "spiritual awakening," that they gloss over the devastation they just caused. They talk about all the things they are learning and wanting to do as a husband and father. They are excited, all while their wife is going, "That's great and all, but but my world just got turned upside down with the bomb that you just threw into my life and our family."

When I hear these men talking about all the ways they are going to be a better husband and father, I am glad and bothered, all at the same time. Their desire to do those things is better than being a jerk or walking away from the marriage, however, it's a bit too early to be talking about all of those promises. Why should his wife believe him? His testimony is invalid. Yes, he's forgiven in Christ, but the pain, suffering, discipline, and hard work has just begun, not to mention the fact that there is a LOT to sort out; debris and destruction.

If he is still this willing to do the hard work, months, even years, down the road, then it will seem more legitimate. Promising these things in reaction to confessing your adultery isn't received as genuine or real. Hopefully it will be the truth, but time will tell. When the dust settles, the betrayed wife (or spouse) will see whether or not his "sorrow and repentance" was real.


I know many of these men don't want to hear me say that they need to go back into the past and walk through the years or months of their betrayal and let God start the reveal all of the sins and sickness in their hearts and minds. This is no "quick fix." At the same time, they need to do all they can to try and win back the heart of their wife, IF she is willing to stay and do the work. The "jury" is still out.

It's a hard balance I know. I had years of professional counseling, schooling, and education that laid the foundation for my recovery. I knew better and lived as a hypocrite and "fake" for years. When my adultery came out, I had no choice but to face it. I lost my job, career, and nearly lost my faith and family. I am tempted to envy these men who don't lose their jobs or face financial hardships. However, those losses for me led me out of the shame and forced me to let God prune the "idols" and evil in my heart, as well as the shame, self-hatred and insecurities. I am grateful for God's discipline. I am thankful He still bothers to work on and in me. Otherwise, I may have been saying what many of the Christian men are saying after they get caught - "let's move forward and not dig up all this junk."

I pray God works in and through me and Amy to help couples wade through the murky waters of adultery recovery. It's tough work, but I am grateful for it.

"What do you want me to do?"

I learned a while back that I need to stop asking Amy the question, "What do you want me to do?" It never went over well with her, and signified my lack of leadership, my lack of confidence, and my lack of submission to Christ's leadership. According to the Bible (Ephesians 5), I need to ask Christ Jesus that question, not my wife. I have been called to follow Christ's leading, and then in return, lead my wife and family; not as a dictator or jerk, but as a humble servant, who "out of reverence for Christ" also submits to her love and needs.

Instead of needing her to tell me what to do, I can ask her, "What's going on in your heart? What do you feel God is speaking to you about? How can I help you in your walk with Christ, and better serve you? What are your dreams and hopes that Christ has put in your heart? What are your fears and concerns that are weighing you down?"

At the same time, I can ask her questions such as, "What areas in my walk with Christ and as a husband and father concern you or bother you, and appear to be contradictory to God's will and scriptural commands? What do you see God doing in me that is encouraging to you? What needs do you have that I seem to be neglecting or overlooking, or can pray with you about?"

I can also humbly confess to her my struggles, fears, concerns, while also telling her what I sense God is leading me to do, what He is teaching and showing me, and what I am doing to seek Him and His wisdom and direction. If I mope around and wallow in shame and self-pity, then it helps no one. It actually reduces my ability to seek Christ and hear from Him, while it also creates tension and a loss of connection with Amy and my children.

I typically stink as a leader of my home, BUT I am on a mission to overcome this fear, insecurity, and years of failure. With the help of other men, the Holy Spirit, the Bible, and my wife and family, I want to grow daily in this hugely important role and calling.
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Ephesians 5:23 (The Message)

^22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

3 Steps to Take When Your Spouse's Adultery Becomes Known

I told my wife the worst news ever when I had to tell her about my adultery. It was a horrible day that flanked her and forever impacted her and our marriage, family and lives. God has been working on, in, and through us despite the evil, but it's no easy process. We are nearing three years since that dark day. We've had some days recently that felt nearly as overwhelming and uncertain as in those early months. It's evidence of the process that doesn't simply go away or cease.

The lingering effects tend to stay around. God uses it to prune, mature, teach, guide, and reveal areas of  our hearts that still need work. I have prayed recently that God would either provide relief, or show me where I am still lacking in faith and surrender. He is faithful and graciously answers and hasn't given up on us. He's good. 
 
When you discover your spouse has committed adultery, your whole world is turned upside down. A "bomb" goes off that causes pain, suffering, devastation, confusion, fear, anger, and all sorts of emotions. It's hard to know what to do when it comes out, as both the betrayer and betrayed. If you are facing this situation, then here are three things you each will need to do in the first few weeks and months in order to work through the "hell" and difficulty. You don't want it to drag on and linger for years, keeping you stuck and vulnerable to problems later down the road.

These are assuming you and your spouse are trying to work on things. After the dust settles a bit, you will know if he/she is still serious. As Jeff Olson says, "Time will either expose you or promote you." If your unfaithful spouse says he/she doesn't love you anymore, then consider the book, "I Don't Love You Anymore," by David Clarke.

As the Betrayed Spouse, you need to:


#1. Get mad. Though you will likely feel stunned, shocked, angry, sad, and confused, you need to get mad. Your spouse has cheated on you and done awful things. Glazing over the facts will keep you stuck. Get mad. Get it out. Demand the truth. Demand the affair end. Get the details out and in the open. Let yourself feel the weight of what happened ASAP. The longer you delay this process, the harder it will be. It will be hard either way you go, so it's best to let the pain out now. You will be tempted to want to tell yourself that things are getting better, but the reality is they aren't better yet. You just had a bomb dropped into the middle of your heart and life and there is debris everywhere. Hopefully the walls that have kept you and your spouse stuck are down and you can reconnect. However, don't use this new found connection as a way to justify sweeping it under the rug and rushing the process or avoiding it. Get mad now, so later on you can fully forgive and be free from the worry, concerns, the what ifs, and "wish I hads."

2. Guard your heart. You have been betrayed, so now is not the time to nurture your unfaithful spouse, despite how sorry or ashamed he/she feels. His/her job is to win you back. He/she needs to nurture and tend to you, not the other way around. Don't let fear of him/her running back to the other person. You can't make him/her be faithful and you can't make him/her be unfaithful.

3. Get close to God.This is a time of sorrow, shock, anger, fear, sadness. God is the One who is with you always and will help hold you and lead you, comfort you. Get connected to Him and let His love and peace fill you as you face such pain and turmoil. Read, journal, pray. Focus on the here and now and try to give the results and outcome to Him. You can't control the variables in the situation. Walk through it, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Each week, I have new couples come to counseling with adultery. It's helpful and humbling to me since I have been through it, since it keeps the reality of the pain and difficulty at the forefront of my mind. It's sad that it is happening so much around us. I hope to use our story to give couples hope. God is the only One who can take such evil and turn it into something good. That's my prayer each day.

Shame, Fear or Passion

As a recovering adulterer, rebuilding a career has its many challenges. Shame, regret, fear, doubt, and busted confidence has kept me stuck often. Recovering and rebuilding through such a major crisis required a ton of energy in the first two+ years. Once we got through the major components of working through the chaos, moving into the career and financial rebuilding, in addition to keeping our marriage growing,  has proved just as challenging, at least in my mind.

It's an area God is still working on in us. I don't want to settle for drudgery and let shame and fear dictate my career building process. That didn't work before our "fallout;" and it sure won't work afterwards.

I read this today (see below) from Rich Dad.com about passion and work. It's great insight and a reminder of what I have heard and believed but struggled to apply. Maybe it will help you as well in your journey of rebuilding. Are you and I ready to dream and let God do "immeasurably more than we think or imagine," or give in to shame, fear, and doubt. I prefer to let God transform me and fulfill in me all that He desires, whether big or small.

Do you know what your passion or mission is? Many people don’t, and they have a hard time finding it. To find your passion or mission, you have to dig deep inside. Here are some questions to get you started:

• Are there any activities or thoughts that absorb you so thoroughly that you lose track of time?
• What subjects do you find most exciting to talk about?
• Who are your heroes? What is it about them that you admire and want to emulate?
• Do you have any skills or talents that inspire self-confidence and pride?
• When you have a free afternoon, how do you choose to spend it?
• If you had all the money you needed to pursue a hobby or a special project, what would it be?
• Do you subscribe to magazines or read books? What sort of reading material excites you?
• If you could develop a “dream” business for yourself, what would it be?

It may help to talk about your passions with people whom you know well and trust. Sometimes other people can read our souls when we can’t. Once you become aware of your passion, you can determine your mission and begin to feed it. This in turn will feed the drive that will make your dreams come true.

"What builds wealth isn't fear, but passion." Rich Dad

Flaw-O-Matic

I am reading the book, The Meaning of Marriage, by Timothy Keller. Though I don't reading a book with long chapters, and these chapters are 40+ pages long (wow), the book so far has great foundational truths about marriage. In chapter one, he discusses where our society has come and where it is headed in regards to marriage. We are now in the "Me-Marriage" age, as he says "has put us in a position of wanting too much out of marriage and yet not nearly enough - at the same time."

He mentioned in chapter one a concept founded by John Tierney called the "Flaw-O-Matic." Tierney said it is "an inner voice, a little whirring device inside the brain that instantly spots a flaw in any potential mate." He concluded that "more often than not this is a device that gives us an excuse to stay alone and therefore safe."

It seems that our society is skeptical and fearful of marriage, while wanting to get married and find the "one" (i.e. soul mate/babe). It also happens in marriage where spouses who are disconnected tend to point out each other's flaws and get annoyed by them. As I tell clients, "We see what we look for." It can be devastating to a marriage when both spouses are negative and constantly looking for something that's wrong. It can lead to all sorts of problems, sadly including as in my case, adultery.

Though we all have to guard against using a "Flaw-O-Matic" mindset in marriage, it can be useful in adultery prevention. In my marriage, looking for flaws and pointing them out is a bad thing. However, whenever I am tempted by another woman or image, putting on the "Flaw-O-Matic" mindset is a good thing. Since men are visual (and didn't ask to be mind you), we are still tempted to look at attractive people, images and scenes. It's no excuse, though, to give in to lust and lack self-control.

Therefore, when I around an attractive woman, including emotionally attractive (i.e. nurturing, affirming, etc.), then turning on the "Flaw-O-Matic" can be a protective measure for keeping my mind grounded in truth and accountable. Looking for faults in her to keep your thoughts in check is a crucial component to staying pure and setting healthy boundaries with her. Clearly, if you are talking to her (or him for you who are wives) more than occasionally or about topics beyond surface level, then you are talking too much.

Obviously, in addition to the flaw-o-matic, applying the accountability concepts, such as telling my wife and accountability brothers when in that situation is critical. At the same time, turning on the flaw-o-matic when in the midst of that situation can help as well. As my friend Mark used to tell me, "I don't want to have an affair with a woman who wants to have an affair with me. I am a Christian, husband and father. If she wants to be with me, then something is wrong!" I agree and regret not taking his advice.

There are all types of "flaws" I could find in women when tempted. However, if I don't allow myself to look for them, then it is possible to get "tunnel vision" and only think about the positive attributes. That would be contradictory to "taking every thought captive" and staying pure in mind, thus lead to problems down the road.

The goal is to create an internal world of accountability and purity. I don't make it a practice to think about everyone's flaws. However, when tempted by certain women, it can be a life and marriage saving approach to staying far away from sin and trouble!

There are all sorts of flaws I could list, but there are three that trump them all and should be top priority when tempted:

1. She is not my wife (or husband for you wives).
2. She is not my wife.
3. She is not my wife.

Enough said. This should dominate my mind when tempted. Adultery is devastating. It dishonors God. It destroys families and lives. It is spiritual death. It is financial devastation. And so much more. I hope and pray that I will continue to let God heal me, mature me, prune me, and help me stay accountable, pure, guarded, and full of His holy spirit. O God, I pray I never go down the awful path of adultery!! Nor my children.

Are you tempted by someone? Turn on the Flaw-O-Matic and then run like H**L. 
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1 Corinthians 6:18, English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁸ Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin^[a] a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

Winds of Change

It's hard to admit that almost three years into our "journey" I still struggle to be confident in the Lord no matter what circumstances I am facing. That's why I have to regularly read and study personal and spiritual development articles, Scripture, and talk to close friends who are walking with the Lord. I quickly forget and lose focus. This article came to my email inbox this morning. Great stuff, yet again by Jim Rohn.

Personal Philosophy is Like the Set of the Sail
by Jim Rohn

In the process of living, the winds of circumstances blow on us all in an unending flow that touches each of our lives.

We have all experienced the blowing winds of disappointment, despair and heartbreak. Why, then, would each of us, in our own individual ship of life, all beginning at the same point, with the same intended destination in mind, arrive at such different places at the end of the journey? Have we not all been blown by the winds of circumstances and buffeted by the turbulent storms of discontent?

What guides us to different destinations in life is determined by the way we have chosen to set our sail. The way that each of us thinks makes the major difference in where each of us arrive. The major difference is the set of the sail.

The same circumstances happen to us all. We have disappointments and challenges. We all have reversals and those moments when, in spite of our best plans and efforts, things just seem to fall apart. Challenging circumstances are not events reserved for the poor, the uneducated or the destitute. The rich and the poor have the same challenges that can lead to financial ruin and personal despair. In the final analysis, it is not what happens that determines the quality of our lives—it is what we choose to do when we have struggled to set the sail and then discover, after all of our efforts, that the wind has changed directions.

When the winds change, we must change. We must struggle to our feet once more and reset the sail in the manner that will steer us toward the destination of our own deliberate choosing. The set of the sail, how we think and how we respond, has a far greater capacity to destroy our lives than any challenges we face. How quickly and responsibly we react to adversity is far more important than the adversity itself. Once we discipline ourselves to understand this, we will finally and willingly conclude that the great challenge of life is to control the process of our thinking.

Learning to reset the sail with the changing winds rather than permitting ourselves to be blown in a direction we did not purposely choose requires the development of a whole new discipline. It involves going to work on establishing a powerful, personal philosophy that will help to influence in a positive way all that we do and that we think and decide. If we can succeed in this worthy endeavor, the result will be a change in the course of our income, lifestyle and relationships. If we can alter the way we perceive, judge and decide upon the main issues of life, then we can dramatically change our lives.