He mentioned in chapter one a concept founded by John Tierney called the "Flaw-O-Matic." Tierney said it is "an inner voice, a little whirring device inside the brain that instantly spots a flaw in any potential mate." He concluded that "more often than not this is a device that gives us an excuse to stay alone and therefore safe."
It seems that our society is skeptical and fearful of marriage, while wanting to get married and find the "one" (i.e. soul mate/babe). It also happens in marriage where spouses who are disconnected tend to point out each other's flaws and get annoyed by them. As I tell clients, "We see what we look for." It can be devastating to a marriage when both spouses are negative and constantly looking for something that's wrong. It can lead to all sorts of problems, sadly including as in my case, adultery.
Though we all have to guard against using a "Flaw-O-Matic" mindset in marriage, it can be useful in adultery prevention. In my marriage, looking for flaws and pointing them out is a bad thing. However, whenever I am tempted by another woman or image, putting on the "Flaw-O-Matic" mindset is a good thing. Since men are visual (and didn't ask to be mind you), we are still tempted to look at attractive people, images and scenes. It's no excuse, though, to give in to lust and lack self-control.
Therefore, when I around an attractive woman, including emotionally attractive (i.e. nurturing, affirming, etc.), then turning on the "Flaw-O-Matic" can be a protective measure for keeping my mind grounded in truth and accountable. Looking for faults in her to keep your thoughts in check is a crucial component to staying pure and setting healthy boundaries with her. Clearly, if you are talking to her (or him for you who are wives) more than occasionally or about topics beyond surface level, then you are talking too much.
Obviously, in addition to the flaw-o-matic, applying the accountability concepts, such as telling my wife and accountability brothers when in that situation is critical. At the same time, turning on the flaw-o-matic when in the midst of that situation can help as well. As my friend Mark used to tell me, "I don't want to have an affair with a woman who wants to have an affair with me. I am a Christian, husband and father. If she wants to be with me, then something is wrong!" I agree and regret not taking his advice.
There are all types of "flaws" I could find in women when tempted. However, if I don't allow myself to look for them, then it is possible to get "tunnel vision" and only think about the positive attributes. That would be contradictory to "taking every thought captive" and staying pure in mind, thus lead to problems down the road.
The goal is to create an internal world of accountability and purity. I don't make it a practice to think about everyone's flaws. However, when tempted by certain women, it can be a life and marriage saving approach to staying far away from sin and trouble!
There are all sorts of flaws I could list, but there are three that trump them all and should be top priority when tempted:
1. She is not my wife (or husband for you wives).
2. She is not my wife.
3. She is not my wife.
Enough said. This should dominate my mind when tempted. Adultery is devastating. It dishonors God. It destroys families and lives. It is spiritual death. It is financial devastation. And so much more. I hope and pray that I will continue to let God heal me, mature me, prune me, and help me stay accountable, pure, guarded, and full of His holy spirit. O God, I pray I never go down the awful path of adultery!! Nor my children.
Are you tempted by someone? Turn on the Flaw-O-Matic and then run like H**L.
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1 Corinthians 6:18, English Standard Version (ESV)
18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin[a] a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.
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