Sunday, June 22, 2014


It has been nearly 33 months since our "recovery" started; the day of our marriage earthquake. And, we both still have days and weeks that can be overwhelming, cause deep sadness, and seem too much to bear. However, when we aren't in these "funks," things are great. The fact that Amy and I are closer than ever in our marriage is continually a humbling and amazing truth. We haven't "arrived" but are grateful.We don't ever want to settle for less than God's best.

I just came out of yet another three+ week funk. I had days I begged God for relief, while recognizing that things could get and/or be worse (though I pray it doesn't come to that). I don't like to discuss why things are so hard, so I will just sum it up - God is showing me that my heart has an idol of false security and a false sense of identity. He is graciously tearing them down and stripping me of their lies. As I told a Christian brother on the phone the other day, "This is hard as hell, but I am thankful for it since I believe God is doing it for a greater purpose." I was being honest. It is TOUGH, but I need it. I have wasted too much of my life to keep going back to what is "familiar." I am tired of "same ole, same ole."

"Why is God stripping me of my idols and disciplining me?" It's a good question that I often ponder. Another question, maybe even a better one, is "How can I still have idols on my heart?" That seems crazy after what we've been through. As Nacho Libre says, "Let's get down to the nitty gritty." The deep, core issues of my heart still need to be addressed and healed. My Heavenly Papa is good and refuses to let me walk in darkness. I have to trust His heart and character and truth. I admit my emotions run rampant and wreak havoc on my joy and peace. My soul cries out for relief, while trying to honor Him with my thoughts and deeds. He gently walks with me and comforts me, even if in small, subtle ways. 

When I tell guys who are facing the adultery recovery journey how hard things need to be, are going to be, and must be (since God's discipline and consequences aren't meant to be easy), they often get confused, disheartened, and maybe even think I am being negative. I may overload them with too much information, but I feel compelled to warn them and plead with them to be mindful of it and fully submit to God's way.

When our fallout happened, I needed to feel the weight of my sin and the pain I caused Amy and many others. Nearly three years later, I still need to walk through the painful journey of healing, while letting God transform my heart and mind daily. I am frequently reminded of God's amazing grace. The fact that I have a story to tell where He is the hero is no small thing. If He never answers another prayer of ours, then everything He has done should be sufficient. I hope I never forget that.

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