It was a bit of an emotional Sunday because it reminded me of my salvation experience that was followed by years of secret shame and sin. Though I gave my heart to Jesus as a freshman in college, I didn't pursue the help I needed to experience fuller healing: emotionally and spiritually. I had great friendships, great years of ministry, and other great things happen, but deep down I was so isolated and struggling.
I don't want to dwell on that since God has done all sorts of amazing things, especially in 2013. It's been a year of continued amazement at what God is up to. He has done far more than we deserve or ever expected. It's amazing to see His hand on our lives. He's good.
As I continue my ongoing recovery, I never want to waste God's grace or leave myself vulnerable to Satan's trap of sin and deception. As I read this week, I was reminded of an acrostic that people in recovery use as a warning for relapse. It's HALT-B. Each letter stands for things we need to avoid becoming too much of, lest we become vulnerable to relapse, sin, and falling into a web of deceit.
H- Hungry
A - Angry
L - Lonely
T- Tired
B - Bored (added by Dave Carder)
I usually don't have a problem with the hunger because I try to eat something every 2-3 hours. I rarely get Bored either, due to my difficulty "being still." The other three I have to guard against because they are my most likely ways I become vulnerable.
For years, I struggled with anger, even rage at some moments. I look back with tons of regret, and embarrassment. Anger was such a common feeling for me. I realize deep down it was more than just anger, and it carried with it depression, shame and self-hatred. I had a lot of it though, so anytime it creeps back in, I try to shut it down. I do not like feeling angry since I let it hinder me for so long.
Lately, I've been feeling tired. Running and training for a half marathon, long counseling days (that I'm thankful for), and house "projects" can wear on me. I don't pace myself well. Once I start a project, I may work 8 to 10 hours straight on it on a Saturday or Sunday and push myself to the limit. I don't enjoy doing this, but I can't seem to get a handle on it. Therefore, this week I need to slow down and be aware of this T part of the acrostic.
Loneliness was also a big struggle for me. I lived a very isolated life. Though I was often around a lot of people, I was at a distance. I have to guard against it still, but I am thankful that I have been able to build new relationships with men here in North MS. Amy and I also have established good friendships here that are very important and healing for us. Our marriage has also helped us become great friends as a couple and talk regularly, enjoying each other. Since marriage is intended to reduce loneliness, not create it, we want to keep working on our friendship and marriage so it's not an area of vulnerability.
Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. Bored. Too much of any of these can leave us vulnerable to extra stress, drifting, and sinful choices. Life transitions can, too. As a reminder to myself and maybe to you, instead of going through life unwilling to let yourself slow down and ponder your areas of vulnerability, take time to let God speak into your soul, showing you areas He wants to work on and heal. Evil thrives in darkness. God works in the light. Confession is healing for the soul and can lead to freedom.
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2 Timothy 2:11-13 (NASB)
11 It is a trustworthy statement:
For if we died with Him, we will also live with Him;
12 If we endure, we will also reign with Him;
If we [d]deny Him, He also will deny us;
13 If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.
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