What "Signals" Are You Putting Out?

In his book, Close Calls, Dave Carder writes about his discoveries from talking to "recovering adulterers" that certain high risk behaviors increase our chances of falling into the trap of adultery. One such behavior is called "Soloing in Public Places."

He says that very few of the unfaithful spouses were "overtly looking for an illicit relationship." So how does it happen if you aren't looking for it? A woman he counseled shared some insight about this particular high risk behavior. Here's an exert from the book to explain what she revealed to him that is quite interesting (and scary):

She said, "It's easy.  When I see someone sitting in a public place by themselves, I can immediately tell if they're happy or unhappy in their marriage." Incredulous, I asked her, "You mean you can tell if someone is happy or unhappy in their marriage just by looking at them?" She answered, "Yes, those people who are unhappy in their marriage send out signals that I pick up on!" She continued, "I would never strike up a friendship with someone I think might hurt me by rejecting my advances. I always make sure that they are dissatisfied at home early on in our conversations."

Dave goes on to write...

People who are unhappy in their marriage send out signals of being in that frame of mind. And there are people out there, in your world, who are looking for unhappy spouses. They will settle for someone they can make happy and someone who wants to make them happy for even a short period of time.

Wow. This is quite eye opening, AND it reminds me of how foolish and weak I was. I imagine I was sending out signals of "unhappiness," which left me open to all sorts of problems. As the saying goes, "Misery loves company." In my self-hatred and withdrawal from God and Amy, I committed all sorts of sinful decisions by looking for comfort, relief and approval, "in all the wrong places."

I don't blame anyone for my unfaithfulness, except myself. Though I didn't go out looking for it to happen, I also didn't do everything I could to prevent it and deal with the temptations when they came. I know now that I have to "stand firm, be alert" and watch out for warning signals that indicate a possible temptation or problem. Sexual temptation is not just a physical thing, it is HIGHLY emotional. Therefore, I don't want to send out any signals that indicate I may be someone who needs attention or is "unhappy." I also don't want someone who is "unhappy" to think that I am someone who wants to make them happy or nurture them.

I still get amazed by my marriage these days and how well it is going. I love Amy and enjoy spending time with her and our kids. We laugh often. We have mutual interests. We both pray for God to have His way in each of us as we pursue His will. We both want to delight in Him above all else. Our marriage is stronger than ever. What a blessing and testimony of God's grace.

I still have tons of regrets and wish I would have never gone down the path of adultery. It is a hard "pill" to swallow because I know what I am capable of doing. Reading books like Close Calls keeps my mind focused on recovery and aware of the warning signs of adultery. I want to continually grow in my mind, be filled with truth, set healthy boundaries with others, and guard my heart daily. I don't want to be foolish or let my guard down. I have tasted the Lord's goodness and nothing in this world  can compare to Him. May I never forget this truth, not even for a moment.

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1 Corinthians 6:18, The Message (MSG)

^16-20 There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.