The Boston Marathon

Today is (or was, depending on when you read this) the Boston Marathon. It is a marathon for people who had to earn a spot. You don't just show up and run the race. You have to qualify with a certain time, depending on your age. Boston is a race that reflects the work that people have done day in and day out. It is a race for people who have put in the time to be successful as a runner. In the running community, to be able to say you are a Boston Qualifier and have run the race means a lot. It's something that many people have tried to accomplish, but many have missed, including myself.

I have attempted at least two times to qualify for the Boston Marathon - I didn't succeed either time. I missed it by 34 minutes the first time; and by 18 minutes the 2nd time. I gave up trying to qualify. Looking back, I realize there were many components of my training that were missing or out of balance. My nutrition was awful, I didn't rest enough, I was isolated from my family, and I was obsessed with training rather than letting it be a natural, positive part of my life.

I also seemed to think back then in my insecure, screwed up mind that qualifying for Boston would make me "successful" as a runner, or give me a sense of purpose, recognition, etc. I believe that I was distracting myself from the harsh reality of the inner, sinful life I was living. As Jim Rohn said, "Success is not something you chase; it's something you attract." I was not in this mindset. I was "chasing" success quite desperately, and it eluded me often. I constantly felt inadequate and missed the mark, though my efforts were intense.

As a "near 40"  year old, I am having to learn and re-learn a life philosophy that is much harder than it would have been as a 20 something year old; at least that's how it seems. I am not saying this for pity; it's more of a revelation, a warning, a sobering truth and reminder. I screwed up my life pretty badly, but it didn't just happen. It started years and years ago. I was so stubborn, insecure, and prideful that I wouldn't even allow myself to be "teachable" or open to much change. I ran from the parts of me that felt inadequate. I was definitely an "imposter;" it cost me and my family dearly.

Despite all of my years of self-hatred, selfishness, sin, lies, and failing to allow God to have His way in me fully, He still speaks to me, guides me, and works in and through me. He is still drawing me to Himself and revealing His truth and promises to me. Though the journey is slower than I prefer these days, I am hopeful that He is leading me toward something better; not just for my sake. It's bigger than me, so I am excited to see what all He wants to do.

I struggle to focus just on "today." I have stresses in my mind about bills to pay, reduced income, provision for my family, staying accountable for the long-haul, etc. However, as I said in an earlier post, "Living (or working) to pay bills is not living." I realize His purpose and will for my life is more than that. Easter week opened my eyes to the purpose we all have as believers/Christ followers. We have the gospel message that the lost and dying world needs to hear and see lived out.

As a believer, I have to daily be reminded of His truth, love, promises, etc, so I don't lose heart or hope. Imagine people who aren't friends with godly people, who aren't reading God's truth regularly, who haven't experienced His goodness and life change - what are they doing to make it in life? Where is their hope? Apart from Christ, they don't have much hope. Money, fame, success, people, etc. can't provide true hope and security because all of those things can be taken away.

I realized this past week that I need to do two things more consistently and regularly:
1) Keep growing as a Christ follower daily. I want to live in the fullness of who I am in Him and know Christ more personally, more clearly, and trust Him more each day. I don't want to let the circumstances and struggles of life have more weight and power than Christ's power. Surely the creator and sustainer of the world can help me make it through each day. I am "victorious" in Him. I want to live (and think) like it.

2) Share the good news, even if I don't feel like I "measure up" that day. It's not about my performance as a believer. The message is the same and hasn't changed. I don't want to base how much I share or who I share with on my emotions or how I feel about myself that day. I want to be honest, genuine, joyful and sincere and be open to sharing with people I encounter. I want to have a heart that cares enough to share with them - even if they aren't yet ready to receive it.  

I am blessed. I am grateful. I am not quitting the process of maturity and "thriving." I can't do it alone. "God is good - all the time. All the time - God is good."