Unbelief...Again

Last week was a very draining, emotional and overwhelming week. The weight of my need to provide for my family yet feeling like a failure triggered all sorts of shame, fear, anxiety, and insecurity. Doubts and fears crept in, and I was disappointed in myself for not resting in God's faithfulness and promises. I took my eyes off Him, once again, and allowed the struggle to consume me.

It was no accident that the lesson topic in our men's Sunday morning Bible study class this past Sunday was "The LORD Will Provide." It was the story of Abraham and God's call to sacrifice, Issac, his son of promise. Abraham obeyed and God stopped him from sacrificing Issac. Abraham was obedient and passed the test of faith. He did not waiver in unbelief (at least not in this particular incident), yet remained confident that his God would provide, even if it didn't make sense or seem rational. He had his struggles, but he also had great faith in his God.

Do I believe the LORD will provide? Yes. Are there days I waiver in unbelief? Yes. Some days the numbers don't add up. Some days I feel stuck in the "in between" space of where God has brought me and where He is taking me. Some days I wonder if I will ever experience spiritual freedom to the fullest, at least as much as possible this side of Heaven.

When I get stuck in the way of thinking, I remind myself that it has only been 2.5 years since the "fall out." I also have to remember the long list of ways God has answered prayers and sustained us from day one. He has been faithful and good, and has never forsaken me. I tend to forget daily and need to go back to my source of "spiritual nourishment." My fellowship with Christ and abiding in Him is my longing and need. It is a must if I am going to walk in His freedom and grace and truth and "thrive," regardless of the struggles.  

Romans 8:6 (NASB) is a great reminder of what happens when my focus is in the wrong place - ''For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace." 

Flesh focus = death (fear, worry, doubt, shame, insecurity, anxiety, pride, arrogance, disobedience, etc); Spirit focus = life and peace. Because of Christ, I have the option. Will I focus from my flesh or from His spirit?

I am glad that Christ is so patient, loving, gracious and willing to walk with me through the ups and downs of my shaky faith. His grace is sufficient. He knows what I need. He is a good Father. Yet, I doubt, fear, and panic. Seems ridiculous, but as the saying goes, "I am a work in progress." If I could figure it out on my own, then I wouldn't need Jesus. :) Thank you, Lord, that Your "...mercies are new every morning..."
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Galatians 2:20

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.