Mr. Complaint or Mr. Positive - Which will I be known for?

Which outlook do you have? 

There are twin boys of five or six. Mom was worried that the boys had developed extreme personalities -- one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist -- their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. "What's the matter?" the psychiatrist asked, baffled. "Don't you want to play with any of the toys?" "Yes," the little boy bawled, "but if I did I'd only break them."

Next the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. "What do you think you're doing?" the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. "With all this manure," the little boy replied, beaming, "there must be a pony in here somewhere"

Pessimist. Half empty. That's how I used to describe my perspective. In high school, my nickname became "Complaint." I was so negative, then and up until two and half years ago. Being negative, highly insecure, and living from shame/self-hatred is draining - on you and others around you. The negativity still tries to slip back in. I have to fight it daily. I don't want to be "that guy" again.

This year I have decided to take a break from deer hunting. I may hunt a few times and even take the boys a couple of times, but overall, I am stepping back. Those who know me well have a hard time believing this. Deer hunting was an obsession. It got carried away. During my "pre-fallout years" I even hunted on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. How ridiculous!

I lost friendships as a result of my hunting attitude. I even complained constantly about my "unsuccessful" hunts to Amy. She didn't want to hear it. I don't blame her. If I supposedly enjoyed it so much, then why did I complain so much? Because I was a negative person and couldn't see the "forest for the trees" as the expression goes.

When I think back on the long years of negativity, even as a child, I am still amazed Amy wanted to stay with me after August 26, 2011. She put up with my negativity, insecurity and self-hatred during our marriage, and then, to top it off, I turned my back on her. What an insult! I drained her for years with my attitude and need for approval, and then betrayed her and God. How sad. How amazing that I still get to wake up beside her and in the same house with beloved children. I am a blessed man.

No more! No more negativity, complaining, blame, unforgiveness, etc. That's what I want to say and commit to. It will require daily effort and "taking every thought captive unto Christ," and some accountability, but it's worth it. The seeds of negativity have to be stopped. I want to plan new seeds of faith, excitement, joy, gratitude, belief, passion, positivity, and hope. No more settling for less than God's best.

It's hard to have a good attitude with all that is going on in society. Negativity can show up at your doorstep every single day, seven days a week, with or without your permission. We are constantly bombarded by negative messages from the media and other sources that can impact the way we look at life. So much of projecting a positive attitude begins with having a positive and happy outlook on life. Happiness is the precursor to success,  not merely the result. Hard work will always be an ingredient for success, but when mixed with a happy disposition and good attitude, not only will you begin to experience the fruits of success, but you will also attract others to help you along the way. Jeff Olson, The Slight Edge

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Philippians 4:8,The Message (MSG)

^8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

Is Time on Your Side?

Recovery, success, wealth building, weight loss, career, whatever it is you are pursuing, is a journey, a process, a slow, maturing series of events. I wish I would have embraced the healing process years ago and made "slight edge" changes back then, but I didn't. However, I CAN choose today to change. I can live today, in the moment, and make choices today, that will move me out of the past failures and into future successes. It may take months and even years, but it starts with today. Today is a gift. May I receive it, enjoy it, and let it lead me to tomorrow's gift. And then, the next....

Happy Thanksgiving!

Words to inspire this holiday:
Jeff Olson, The Slight Edge 

The most powerful force for change is time. Position your daily actions so time is working for instead of against you. Because time with either promote you or expose you. What keeps you on the path is your Slight Edge philosophy which includes your understanding of the secret of time. Knowing that if I stay on this path long enough I will get the results I want.

In today's world, everyone wants to go directly from plant to harvest. The step we keep overlooking is the step of cultivating. And that, unlike planting and harvesting, takes place only through the patient dimension of time. The right choices you make today, compounded over time, will you take you higher up the success curve.

As Dr. Fred Wolfe said, "We want victory without the battle."

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Joshua 24:15, The Message (MSG)

¹⁵ “If you decide that it’s a bad thing to worship God, then choose a god you’d rather serve—and do it today. Choose one of the gods your ancestors worshiped from the country beyond The River, or one of the gods of the Amorites, on whose land you’re now living. As for me and my family, we’ll worship God.”

Easy to do...Easy Not to Do

Amy has been reading the book, The Slight Edge, by Jeff Olson and loves it. I picked it up recently and don't want to  put it down. It's incredible. Yet, so simple in concept. What I have come to be reminded of is this: Where I am today spiritually, financially, physically and emotionally is the direct result of my choices, philosophy, beliefs and actions over the past 39 years.  

After reading, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp, my perspective on life changed. I went from worrying about every little struggle to seeking and receiving the thousands of blessings, aka "gifts" God is steadily pouring out. My emotional fog lifted and I saw things differently. I believed it prepared the way for me to read The Slight Edge. I have new momentum, new purpose and new direction. It's time to stop giving up on my dreams and start pursuing them, one day at a time, one choice at a time. Remember Psalm 37:4? 

The Slight Edge is "a way of thinking, a way  of processing information that enables you to make the daily choices that will lead you to the success you desire." 

Jeff says that "about one person in twenty is achieving a significant measure of  his or her goals in life: financial, professional, personal, marital, spiritual, in terms of health, in whatever terms you want to look at. Ninety five percent are either failing or falling short." He goes on to say:

If you learn to understand and apply the Slight Edge, your life will become filled with hundreds of thousands of small, seemingly insignificant actions - all of them easy to do, none of them mysterious, complex or difficult. And those actions will create your success. That's what successful people do: simple things that are easy to do.

"How are these simple, everyday actions supposed to create all this wonderful happiness, health and success for me, if they're all easy to do - if anyone could do them? If these are things anyone can do, why are only five percent successful?" Because they're all also easy not to do - and while anyone could do them, most won't.

This morning I realized that all this time (for the past few months, and probably much of my life), I have prayed for God to bail me out. I have made tons of awful, daily decisions and had a jacked up philosophy. I have let negativity, self-hatred, shame, fear, and pride dictate many of my decisions. No wonder I ended up falling flat on my face and hurting so many people.

I have stopped praying for God to show up in a huge way. He has done so much already. I am praying now for the wisdom and courage to make DAILY DECISIONS OF OBEDIENCE. My choices today, right now will either move me closer to the person He desires for me to be and to live the full life He wants me to live, OR they will lead me further away.  The great news is, according to The Slight Edge:

It's never too late to start.

It's always too late to wait.

My excitement has been renewed this morning. God has reminded me (ONCE AGAIN) that He is trustworthy and to walk with Him, one day, one hour, one step at a time. This can apply to every area of my life: purity, finances, marriage, parenting, family, career, and on and on. 

"Givers Get"

Giving. It's a central characteristic of God. It's life changing to us when we do it. It's the very thing that contradicts our sinful nature and "self" centered culture. It can reduce depression, selfishness, greed, discontentment, pride, fear, and judgmental attitudes. We all need it.

However, when it comes to money, for example, giving is usually one of the top two things we stop doing when money is tight. Saving is another. What's interesting is that some of the wealthiest people in the world are givers; and not just financially. They have a perspective on life that says "I want to make more money so I can bless more people." That's what the authors of The One Minute Millionaire believe, and call an "Enlightened Millionaire." Giving is a key trait of a person of character, integrity, perspective and even contentment and joy. 

The book is full of insights that are incredible. Here's a quote from the book that reflects some of this mindset of giving:

We learn that "givers get" only through the experience. Behaving this way, of a little hesitantly, opens us to the spiritual dimension of wealth building. Give your time, your approval, your smile, your advice, your wisdom, your compliments, your sense of humor, your talent, your attention, your encouragement, your love. All these things will flow back to you in abundance. The spiritual dimension expands, multiplies, and adds value to all it is given.

Part of my recovery plan is to give back, beyond money. God has blessed me in so many ways, so I want to be a blessing to others. It is transforming to me and hopefully to others. Counseling is one of the ways I get to do that. I have been amazed and honored by the people I get to walk alongside in the counseling room. People's stories have touched me deeply. Some have stretched me greatly. I have to pray frequently for God to fill the counseling room and do His work. I know without the Holy Spirit I would be of little use to them.

King David in Psalm 51 pleads with God to restore him and promises to "give back" to others.  Look at verses 10-13, particularly verse 13:

¹⁰ Create ^[j]in me a clean heart, O God,

And renew ^[k]a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
¹³ Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will ^[l]be converted to You.

In year three of our recovery, giving back or helping others is where I feel I am moving toward. The first two years, I didn't feel ready to do much "giving back" or teaching others. Though I counseled part time, I still struggled to feel ready to do much good for others. There was so much personal work to do, and marriage healing to occur. I finally feel more free to "give back," but I KNOW I still have to work on me and stay in my own recovery. I know my limitations and weaknesses, so I have to work on me, AS I GIVE to others; not in place of.

Amy and I are in the early stages of asking God how we can best give and help others. Financially I want to be in a better place so I can be a blessing to our church and community. Counseling and volunteer opportunities are other ways. Loving my wife and children fully is where my ministry starts. I want to be obedient and trust God's leading. I am a work in progress. Abundant giving is a worthy pursuit that has tons of benefits. It's extremely rewarding no doubt.

Giving, not in a co-dependent way, but in a healthy, other-focused way is life changing. Most of us want to give more and do more for others. Sadly, most of us hold back and don't do it well or as often as we'd  like. Me included. I have struggled to give and do for others and have missed out on so many blessings due to that fact. God is our greatest example of giving - He gave His only Son for us, so that we could find  life in Him. He's a giver and wants us to be givers and serve others. His ways are best, so I want to trust Him at His word. No more holding back!
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Acts 20:35, New American Standard Bible (NASB)

³⁵ In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

"Afraid of Change? Then Fail."

The three pillars of self-worth according to Dr. Kevin Leman are Acceptance, Belonging and Competence. The C of competence has been an ongoing issue for me. I have often felt the opposite - Incompetence. Therefore, most of my life I have lived in fear, afraid to risk. Afraid to fail. Even afraid to succeed. It's really annoying. I don't like it and have to pray daily for God's help and forgiveness.

I have worked really hard the past two and a half years to overcome it/manage it. I am further along than I used to be, but the feeling of incompetence still pokes it's head out from time to time. Especially when I do home projects. That, along with money can trigger my feelings of inadequacy very quickly.

The good thing is that in Christ, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I have full acceptance, belonging and competence. As an adopted son, child of the king, heir, I have been included in His life (Galatians 3:22 through Galatians 4:7 to start with). That's my identity. Whenever I forget this, I lose proper focus and the outcome is not good - Fear, anxiety, sin, worry, doubt, pride, anger, and even self-reliance.

As a result of my internal struggles that last decades (30+ years it seems), I ended up failing in a big way. I'm now 39 years old and have begun to start over - in my marriage, career, family, spiritual journey, and recovery. Thankfully, I get to start over and do things differently, better. That fact keeps me humble and grateful. It's a daily task to remain in that humility and gratefulness, "but for the grace of God" and by the grace of God.

I have learned many life lessons the hard way. The key is not that I have failed but rather that I have failed and can learn from those mistakes. AND, if I let God do His full redeeming work in me, I will receive huge dividends "if I don't give up." I hope I let my failure make me stronger. God is capable of doing that sort of thing. He does it with broken bones that heal. He can also do it with broken lives. That's my hope and prayer!

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Galatians 4:4-7 (The Message)

 ^4-7 But when the time arrived that was set by God the Father, God sent his Son, born among us of a woman, born under the conditions of the law so that he might redeem those of us who have been kidnapped by the law. Thus we have been set free to experience our rightful heritage. You can tell for sure that you are now fully adopted as his own children because God sent the Spirit of his Son into our lives crying out, “Papa! Father!” Doesn’t that privilege of intimate conversation with God make it plain that you are not a slave, but a child? And if you are a child, you’re also an heir, with complete access to the inheritance.

Keep "Sowing"

It's Fall. I love Fall. I love looking out my window and see a lake and beautiful trees. And we have lots of trees. And trees have leaves. And leaves fall in the Fall. Lots of them. Thousands of them. Though thousands have fallen already, there are thousands more left to fall. Me and the kids have raked and mowed some of the leaves in the front yard. I have used a blower to push them aside from the street. Some days I wonder if I didn't rake or blow the leaves, would I be able to see our house or street by the end of the Fall. On very windy days, it seems like that could happen!

Even as I type, I am watching tons of leaves fall to the freshly raked ground. Raking seems pointless on certain days. I raked yesterday. Today you can hardly tell. I could rake every day and get the same outcome - a clean yard for one day. So why rake? Why bother? Well, here at our house, there are so many leaves, that if we didn't rake in certain places, the leaves would be so thick that it would be difficult to play in the front yard, much less rake them up at the end of the Fall. Our "raking" is more or less maintenance. We aren't going for a "leaf free beautiful yard." It's really more about practicality. 

I'm not complaining because I love Fall and I love the piece of property we are blessed by. It's a great location and we love it here. Yes, it comes with a requirement of maintenance and upkeep, but if we didn't have the upkeep, then we wouldn't have the view we have. We are grateful. Most days. :)

Like raking leaves, on some days recovery doesn't seem to make a difference. It may even feel like you are going through the motions. My recovery has had days where despite my best efforts, I still got moody or bothered by trivial things. Other days I had joy that could hardly be shaken. Then, I have had weeks where I felt anxious and in a "fog" that felt like it would never leave. It's been quite a ride. One I prefer to stay on, with maybe less dips.

When people come to me for help or advice with adultery recovery, I try to explain to them the importance of taking it one day at a time and creating daily disciplines that will help them stay in the fight for their marriage for the long haul. Or, with men who have betrayed their spouse and want to do their recovery well, it's about "doing whatever it takes, as long as it takes" and letting God heal them from the inside out. It's a slow, pruning process that will challenge them to their max. It has me for sure.

It's a marathon, not a sprint. It's tempting during the crisis, to want a quick fix or relief. People often "hit a wall" and wonder why things aren't improving. Surrendering control and letting God be in charge of the results often takes some of us awhile to achieve. One of the most recent suggestions I have offered spouses in adultery situations is to "slow down." The pursuit of relief and needing "closure" can cause them to rush the healing process. Grief starts with acceptance. Until we reach acceptance of our situations and trust God, we will struggle to rest in Him and let Him lead us each step of the way. Being still and knowing He is God and delighting in the Lord so He can give you the desires of Your heart remains true and necessary, especially when all else seems hopeless or too much to endure.

Is recovery worth it, even if people don't respond the way we hoped or our situation doesn't turn out as we wanted? Yes. Is it worth the energy required to develop new ways of coping and seek to undue the old ways of coping, though change doesn't come easy or overnight? Yes. Is recovery worth it when we think it is taking too long? Yes. Is recovery worth it when we seem to be stuck in a rut and don't understand what God is up to? Yes.

I recently listed to a CD by Jim Rohn. He's so wise and full of powerful insight that can help lead to personal growth and success. Here are a few of his quotes:

 “Happiness is not by chance, but by choice.”

"Success is doing ordinary things extraordinarily well.”

“Don't wish it was easier wish you were better. Don't wish for less problems wish for more skills.

"Don't wish for less challenge wish for more wisdom”

"Success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, practiced every day.”

Feeling weary, like giving up? Stay in the daily fight to become a better person and let God have His way in your heart. He's good. He is for you. You are beloved to Him. Don't give up or give in. He is with you and will never leave you or forsake you, even if your circumstances seem terrible or your emotions tell you otherwise.  Keep sowing.

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Galatians 6:9, New International Version (NIV)

⁹ Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

HALT-B

It's been a busy weekend. Amy went to California for a Nerium International conference, I worked on some house projects that took longer than anticipated but turned out pretty well. The kids had fun wrestling each other, watching movies, and playing football in the yard. We had a great worship service Sunday. And Sunday was my "spiritual birthday." November 17, 1993 I prayed to become a follower of Christ.

It was a bit of an emotional Sunday because it reminded me of my salvation experience that was followed by years of secret shame and sin. Though I gave my heart to Jesus as a freshman in college, I didn't pursue the help I needed to experience fuller healing: emotionally and spiritually. I had great friendships, great years of ministry, and other great things happen, but deep down I was so isolated and struggling.

I don't want to dwell on that since God has done all sorts of amazing things, especially in 2013. It's been a year of continued amazement at what God is up to. He has done far more than we deserve or ever expected. It's amazing to see His hand on our lives. He's good.

As I continue my ongoing recovery, I never want to waste God's grace or leave myself vulnerable to Satan's trap of sin and deception. As I read this week, I was reminded of an acrostic that people in recovery use as a warning for relapse. It's HALT-B. Each letter stands for things we need to avoid becoming too much of, lest we become vulnerable to relapse, sin, and falling into a web of deceit.

H- Hungry

A - Angry

L - Lonely

T- Tired

B - Bored (added by Dave Carder)

I usually don't have a problem with the hunger because I try to eat something every 2-3 hours. I rarely get Bored either, due to my difficulty "being still." The other three I have to guard against because they are my most likely ways I become vulnerable.

For years, I struggled with anger, even rage at some moments. I look back with tons of regret, and embarrassment. Anger was such a common feeling for me. I realize deep down it was more than just anger, and it carried with it depression, shame and self-hatred. I had a lot of it though, so anytime it creeps back in, I try to shut it down. I do not like feeling angry since I let it hinder me for so long.

Lately, I've been feeling tired. Running and training for a half marathon, long counseling days (that I'm thankful for), and house "projects" can wear on me. I don't pace myself well. Once I start a project, I may work 8 to 10 hours straight on it on a Saturday or Sunday and push myself to the limit. I don't enjoy doing this, but I can't seem to get a handle on it. Therefore, this week I need to slow down and be aware of this T part of the acrostic.

Loneliness was also a big struggle for me. I lived a very isolated life. Though I was often around a lot of people, I was at a distance. I have to guard against it still, but I am thankful that I have been able to build new relationships with men here in North MS. Amy and I also have established good friendships here that are very important and healing for us. Our marriage has also helped us become  great friends as a couple and talk regularly, enjoying each other. Since marriage is intended to reduce loneliness, not create it, we want to keep working on our friendship and marriage so it's not an area of vulnerability.

Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. Bored. Too much of any of these can leave us vulnerable to extra stress, drifting, and sinful choices. Life transitions can, too. As a reminder to myself and maybe to you, instead of going through life unwilling to let yourself slow down and ponder your areas of vulnerability, take time to let God speak into your soul, showing you areas He wants to work on and heal. Evil thrives in darkness. God works in the light. Confession is healing for the soul and can lead to freedom.

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2 Timothy 2:11-13 (NASB)

¹¹ It is a trustworthy statement:

For if we died with Him, we will also live with Him;
¹² If we endure, we will also reign with Him;
If we ^[d]deny Him, He also will deny us;
¹³ If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.

What "Signals" Are You Putting Out?

In his book, Close Calls, Dave Carder writes about his discoveries from talking to "recovering adulterers" that certain high risk behaviors increase our chances of falling into the trap of adultery. One such behavior is called "Soloing in Public Places."

He says that very few of the unfaithful spouses were "overtly looking for an illicit relationship." So how does it happen if you aren't looking for it? A woman he counseled shared some insight about this particular high risk behavior. Here's an exert from the book to explain what she revealed to him that is quite interesting (and scary):

She said, "It's easy.  When I see someone sitting in a public place by themselves, I can immediately tell if they're happy or unhappy in their marriage." Incredulous, I asked her, "You mean you can tell if someone is happy or unhappy in their marriage just by looking at them?" She answered, "Yes, those people who are unhappy in their marriage send out signals that I pick up on!" She continued, "I would never strike up a friendship with someone I think might hurt me by rejecting my advances. I always make sure that they are dissatisfied at home early on in our conversations."

Dave goes on to write...

People who are unhappy in their marriage send out signals of being in that frame of mind. And there are people out there, in your world, who are looking for unhappy spouses. They will settle for someone they can make happy and someone who wants to make them happy for even a short period of time.

Wow. This is quite eye opening, AND it reminds me of how foolish and weak I was. I imagine I was sending out signals of "unhappiness," which left me open to all sorts of problems. As the saying goes, "Misery loves company." In my self-hatred and withdrawal from God and Amy, I committed all sorts of sinful decisions by looking for comfort, relief and approval, "in all the wrong places."

I don't blame anyone for my unfaithfulness, except myself. Though I didn't go out looking for it to happen, I also didn't do everything I could to prevent it and deal with the temptations when they came. I know now that I have to "stand firm, be alert" and watch out for warning signals that indicate a possible temptation or problem. Sexual temptation is not just a physical thing, it is HIGHLY emotional. Therefore, I don't want to send out any signals that indicate I may be someone who needs attention or is "unhappy." I also don't want someone who is "unhappy" to think that I am someone who wants to make them happy or nurture them.

I still get amazed by my marriage these days and how well it is going. I love Amy and enjoy spending time with her and our kids. We laugh often. We have mutual interests. We both pray for God to have His way in each of us as we pursue His will. We both want to delight in Him above all else. Our marriage is stronger than ever. What a blessing and testimony of God's grace.

I still have tons of regrets and wish I would have never gone down the path of adultery. It is a hard "pill" to swallow because I know what I am capable of doing. Reading books like Close Calls keeps my mind focused on recovery and aware of the warning signs of adultery. I want to continually grow in my mind, be filled with truth, set healthy boundaries with others, and guard my heart daily. I don't want to be foolish or let my guard down. I have tasted the Lord's goodness and nothing in this world  can compare to Him. May I never forget this truth, not even for a moment.

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1 Corinthians 6:18, The Message (MSG)

^16-20 There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.

AA Big Book

There are a lot of resources available for our journey of purity and healing. The Bible is the ultimate authority, but God graciously allows us to glean insights and hope from the people He has healed and continues to "carry on to completion." The AA Big book is one of those resources. It is a book of life experiences, based on Scriptural principles that has helped hundreds of thousands of people find direction and hope in their "messes."

As Dr. Mark Laaser says in The 7 Principles of Highly Accountable Men about AA and other support groups for people with "hang ups," 

The great thing about support groups for various problems, such as addictions, is that you don’t have to succeed at anything to be chosen for them. Instead, you need to have failed at something.

You don't have to go with a mask on. Just like at church, I am sure a lot of people try to keep their masks on and fail to get real and transparent, which hinders their "sobriety" and healing. I hid for YEARS. I now finally free to admit I don't have it all together and that I have to trust in Christ for my strength and hope DAILY. I'm no better than anyone else. I am blessed and have experienced first hand God's amazing grace. 

I found this quote online about the AA big book and it's "promises." May it encourage you to keep in the fight. God is with you, for you and is holding "all things together." His grace is sufficient.

 The Promises

(From pages 83-84 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

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Galatians 6:9, (NIV)

⁹ Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Are you at risk of adultery?

Dave Carder has over 30 years experience counseling couples facing adultery. He also does work in helping prevent adultery, which in our society has become more challenging AND more critical. I've mentioned this before, but he's written a book called, Close Calls:What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage, that shares the wisdom he has learned from "adulterers" over the past 30 years. I am on Chapter 4, and the book so far is excellent. God is using it to continually increase my clarity and understanding about my own adultery. For that I am grateful.

Here is a High Risk Factor Checklist he put together in his book. It is a great resource to help you determine if you or your spouse may be at risk of adultery. Since it's copyrighted material, it's best to use it for personal discovery and insights, while also purchasing the book to help make sense of it.

Prevention is so important. Having the courage to look inward at see what areas of your heart and life are vulnerable is a huge part of prevention and recovery. We are all capable of committing adultery. However, in Christ, we are also able to NOT commit adultery. OR if you've gone down that path of destruction, then CAN recover from it well, and honor Christ in the process.

Other People's Wisdom

I, sadly, have learned hard life lessons from my mistakes. I knew better and let fear, selfishness, greed, pride, and stubbornness keep me stuck in sin. I also know that in some ways I acted in "ignorance and unbelief" and gave in to temptations "common to man." Balancing grace and regret in a healthy, God-honoring way is a process I am learning.

Over the past two years, I have read many books that revealed much wisdom, that I longed for and needed. I know I lack wisdom, so I pray for God to give it, as He says do in the book of James. As a counselor, I have to pray during each session for wisdom. As a husband and father, I have to pray daily for wisdom. As a friend, I have to pray for wisdom. As a child of God, I pray for wisdom.

A book that I am reading back through that is giving me wisdom is also by Dr. Mark Laaser called, The 7 Principles of Highly Accountable Men. Accountability is something I neglected for most of my life. I am thankful to now have men in my life to hold me accountable, though I know much improvement is still needed with it. 

Dr. Laaser has been sober and in recovery for his sexual addiction for  over 25 years. The work he has done personally and professionally has proven effective. He knows and understands the value and critical nature of having God transform your mind and heart. Part of that change occurs with proper accountability. Accountability goes beyond just asking each other hard questions. Dr. Laaser takes it to a whole new level and in his book, walks through each critical step, based on God's design and Scripture, particularly the story of Nehemiah.

There are seven key principles of accountability, and he sums up the book by saying that, "Accountability is a lifestyle." It's something we do ongoing, for the long haul, "whatever it takes, as long as it takes." We can't achieve it alone - we need God's help and other people's help - and other people need us. We are "damaged by relationships and healed by relationships."

I am thankful that God changed Dr. Laaser's life and is instilling wisdom into him that he is passing on to so many others. May my life be more like that. That gives me hope and reassurance that though the journey is often very difficult and challenging, it is worth the pursuit.

Words of blessing

Deep down, I believe we all came into this world wanting to please our parents and have their blessing on our lives. Difficulties may hinder us from receiving it or experiencing it, but the longing is still there. It goes all the way back to early Bible times. Though our culture doesn't really use that terminology or milestone like some countries do or like they did in Bible times, it's still relevant and important to each of us.

It's easy to overlook this need. I know I have misunderstood it, until I read back through Dr. Laaser's book, Taking Every Thought Captive. I took some notes from his book that I want to pass along today (see below). Very insightful and helpful, particularly for us who are recovering from sins involving betrayal. The "Why?" starts to become clearer and clearer the more I learn from others much wiser than me. Knowing my "Why?" doesn't make my sins okay or any less painful or destructive. However, it helps me better heal and mature in such a way that my past isn't repeated - LORD willing!

God blessed Jesus with powerful words in Matthew 3. God's affirmation and blessing of His Son are the longings we want to hear deep in our souls. Scripture says God delights in us. It's hard to fathom or receive such powerful truth; at least I struggle to. However, the more I let His delight change me and transform me, the less power sin has in my heart and mind, and the freer I become.

Matthew 3:13-17 - The Baptism of Jesus

¹³ Then Jesus *arrived from Galilee at the Jordan coming to John, to be baptized by him. ¹⁴ But John tried to prevent Him, saying, “I have need to be baptized by You, and do You come to me?” ¹⁵ But Jesus answering said to him, “Permit it at this time; for in this way it is fitting for us to fulfill all righteousness.” Then he *permitted Him. ¹⁶ After being baptized, Jesus came up immediately from the water; and behold, the heavens were opened, and ^[i]he saw the Spirit of God descending as a dove and ^[j]lighting on Him, ¹⁷ and behold, a voice out of the heavens said, “This is ^[k]My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased.”

Read what Dr. Laaser says about blessing, and this powerful need we each have....

One of our biggest desires is the desire to be blessed. What it is really all about is the longing to be loved just for who we are and not what we do. Affirmation is the desire to be recognized for what we have done, while blessing is the desire for recognition of who we are as persons. Matthew 3:17, “This is my Son, whom I love and with him I am well pleased.”

Did you get words of blessing like that from your earthly mother or father? Were they glad you were born? Did they ever tell you they were proud of you? One of my clients told me he doesn’t remember that his mother ever smiled when he entered the room. That is a powerful memory. It is not about what his mother did; it’s about what she didn’t do.

Blessing is about that smile, a sense of interest and enthusiasm in who you are. Blessing is about being celebrated. Examine your heart carefully because blessing is really important. Those of you who don’t feel as though you received it may experience shame or a sense of worthlessness. This is the feeling that you don’t really matter or that you can never be enough or get things right.

To understand this you don’t have to get to some angry place where you start thinking, “My parents did an awful job!” My experience over the years has taught me that parents mostly do the best they possibly can. Many of them, however, are in pain of some kind and don’t’ really know how to love as they should. All parents make mistakes; I know I have. 

In order to understand the feelings you have inside, allow yourself to simply say that the journey of healing is about understanding the messages you have inside. 

Some of them, based on how you were raised, may not be consistent with God’s opinion of you. God is the only parent who can truly love us as we ought to be loved, and he is certainly the only one who can truly bless us.

Remember fantasies and what they can tell us about the longing of our soul? Do you see that if you never felt blessed, accepted, included or affirmed, your fantasies of success, fame, or achievement may be your attempt to solve this feeling? 

Very insightful truth. I realize that there were many years I didn't understand these longings in my soul. Instead of dealing with them in healthy, God-honoring ways, I often tried to numb my pain or I sought relief in very sinful ways. What I was desperately searching for I already had - God's delight and blessing as His child. When I started resting in this truth, then I was free to live. My journey now is to heal from my past and continually seek Him, letting His love fill me and change my heart, my mind, and therefore, my actions. 

One way to show this delight and feel this delight is by smiling. I not only want to smile more as a person, but I want to smile more toward Amy and my three beloved children. My smile sends a strong message of acceptance and delight. A frown sends a message of disapproval and maybe even worse. 

What's the smile "count" in your life? In your home? Are you sending a message of blessing to those around you? Maybe you have struggled like me to let God's love and delight "stick" and sink in. Choose to smile today. It makes a difference. To you and your loved ones.

Why Smoking is Bad for You - From A Child's Point of View

Collin, our 8 year old "middle" child, made this video this weekend. We don't want him to make fun of people, but it is quite funny that he impersonated someone so "creatively." I hope you aren't offended by it. He keeps us laughing quite often; he thrives on making people laugh. We hope to teach him how to do so without it being at other people's expense. He does a good job with that usually. :) We are grateful that each of our three children are so different, and God chose us to raise them.

Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right

I have the privilege of getting to walk alongside couples through counseling who are experiencing adultery, and other painful situations. For the first year here in North MS, I didn't share with any of the people I counseled about what Amy and I have been through. For the past few months, I have shared bits and pieces of our story with clients who needed to hear a message of hope. Also, I share it with particular clients who will benefit from hearing a side of adultery recovery that they may or may not get from their friends or family.

Most people's advice is to tell you to get out ASAP and "leave that loser," or something similar. I understand that. Divorce is probably necessary in certain situations, and may occur even if you try to prevent it from happening. You can't control how your spouse will respond. However, I also know that people in their pain tend to rush through the process and make decisions about divorce too quickly. They frantically seek revenge and a lawyer's advice and do all they can to make the other person pay for their "sin," never really giving reconciliation a chance. Or, the betrayed spouse may think he's done "too much" and there's no way she will stay with him. Therefore, he "runs" from his shame and never faces it head on. It's a hard balance - because there are some people who betray their spouse and then heap even more pain on by their blame, greed, pride, more betrayal and arrogance.

Thankfully, God broke me down immediately, and I wanted our marriage to be saved. However, Amy had every right to leave me, and some probably thought she should have back then. I thank God that she didn't and that He has helped us stay in our recovery. HE is the ONE who pulled that off.

Adultery recovery is painful and requires a lot of hard work, prayer, and God's sustaining grace and power. Not everyone is willing to walk through the painful, uncertain, long, slow process. Each situation involving adultery is different, but there are various truths that apply in all of them. One such is that Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right. What I mean is that as a believer in Christ, if my spouse has betrayed me and seems to be unrepentant and living in sin, seemingly unwilling to change, I cannot justify seeking vengeance and harsh contempt.

We have all sinned and gone astray in some way or another. Therefore, justifying our "sin" because we have been hurt by someone else is not Biblical or what Christ has called us to do. As Dr. Eggerichs says in his book Love and Respect, "My response is my responsibility." Our emotions and "flesh" (and even well meaning friends) may tell us it's okay to lash out and seek revenge, but if the Holy Spirit is residing in us, it tends to not settle well "in our soul." We know we have been forgiven much and to seek revenge and withhold grace from someone is contrary to our faith in Christ.

This doesn't mean you leave yourself vulnerable to abuse and harm, thus being a doormat, but it also doesn't mean you have to be harsh, taking matters into your own hands. My best advice on this issue is to pray for wisdom and let God handle the outcome. Surrender your need to control all of the variables in your situation. You will obsess and ruminate on it all if you live in a constant state of fear, panic, worry and rage. Forgiving too quickly and rushing the process "just so you can stay married" or to "keep him from going back to her" isn't the answer. Going the other extreme and "taking him for every thing he's got" in an effort to make him (or her) suffer pain isn't the answer either. You can still maintain a sense of dignity, self-respect and integrity without being vengeful and "anti" Christian in your efforts. Let Him start His healing in YOU, no matter what the outcome of your situation.

It will be a hard journey, whether you stay married or not. A Bible passage that may give you some insight is found in Romans 2:1-4 (see below). God's ways of getting us to "change" and "repent" isn't always pleasant, but it is always based on His love and His goodness. His discipline and "pruning" is an act of grace and mercy (see the book of Hebrews in the New Testament). Sometimes He lets us fall flat on our face, only to pick us up and start us on the redeeming path. Not everyone lets Him, though. He won't force us to love Him. He gives us chance after chance to surrender to His love and goodness, and trust that His way is best and for our good. 

Give your situation, your spouse, your marriage, your family and your heart to God. He is good. He "holds all things together." He is trustworthy. His grace is sufficient. His "kindness leads us to repentance." Even when things seem hopeless, His promises still hold true. He is faithful, even when we are not. Stand in awe of Him, today.

Romans 2:1-4 (NASB) 

2 Therefore you have no excuse, ^[a]everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. ² And we know that the judgment of God ^[b]rightly falls upon those who practice such things. ³ But do you suppose this, O man, ^[c]when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God? ⁴ Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?

Transparency Deepens Relationships

From childhood to adulthood, I was not a very open person, at least not in general. I "knew" a lot of people and a lot of people knew me, but not many people knew me very deeply. I had a few people in my life that knew some of my struggles, but I was not very comfortable being transparent. I was quite uncomfortable with my brokenness and often tried to overcome it, unsuccessfully.

Amy knew me "warts and all" and loved me deeply, but sadly I didn't let her love and acceptance of me move me out of my shame. I actually started to believe lies that caused me to think she was actually disgusted by me and didn't like me very much. The more I believed those lies, the more I acted in ways that made me more difficult to be around. I was very "draining" on her emotionally and caused a lot of tension in our marriage (and other places). Self-hatred does that.

One of the greatest "gifts" I received during our journey was from Dr. Compton, pastor at the church I served at the time of my "fall out." He and Mr. Jim met with Amy and me and loved on us and said that I needed to confess publicly to the church - for the church's healing and for ours. That was the LAST thing I wanted to do. Anything but that. With much "fear and trembling" we said "Yes." The next two days leading up to that Sunday morning was very difficult and stressful.

My darkest shame and secret that I had told no one about was now going to be shared with over 600 people. From private shame to public shame. Today, I can tell you with no hesitation that Dr. Compton gave me and Amy a gift that day. His wisdom led me out of my shame and onto a healing path. I regret so much, but I am thankful that he had the courage to walk with us through that dark time, for us and our church family.

I had no idea at the time how freeing that public confession would be for me. It has taught me a lot about transparency that I am growing more comfortable with. Going public forced us to deal with all of the "junk." We couldn't deny it, and there was no point in spending energy trying to keep it a secret. I wish I would have learned this lesson BEFORE going down the path of betrayal. If only.

What Amy and I are discovering is that "Transparency Deepens Relationships." It has an amazing way of opening the door for conversations with people we are amazed by - and never expected. Our willingness to be honest about where God has brought us has given others courage to open up to us about their lives and "stories" - and vice versa.

People are desperate to get help but live in fear of what people will say or think if they find out what they have done or are going through. If we can encourage others confess their struggles and get honest with themselves and others, then we believe God will be honored and His people will experience His freedom. That's a worthy pursuit! Lord help us!

We know we don't have it all figured out yet. We take it one day at a time. We know, though, that no matter how emotionally draining it is, transparency and openness is healing for us and hopefully for others. It moves us out of surface level relationships and toward deeper, more meaningful ones. We have seen God move in and around us when His people get real, honest, and surrender to Him. Evil thrives in darkness. God works in the Light. "Confession leads to freedom," as Tom Edwards Band sings about, and Psalm 32 reveals so clearly about.

Healing occurs in the "Light." Sin thrives in darkness. We all are faced with this difficult choice every day. May God give you the courage to trust Him fully, no matter the risk and uncertainty. He is good, always.

Colossians 1:9-14 (NIV)

⁹ For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,^{[e] 10} so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, ¹¹ being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, ¹² and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you^[f] to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. ¹³ For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, ¹⁴ in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Give Thanks...His love endures forever

A psalm to live by. "Thanks builds trust." 

Psalm 136 (NIV)

¹ Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
² Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
³ Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.

⁴ to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
⁵ who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
⁶ who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.
⁷ who made the great lights—
His love endures forever.
⁸ the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.
⁹ the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.

¹⁰ to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt
His love endures forever.
¹¹ and brought Israel out from among them
His love endures forever.
¹² with a mighty hand and outstretched arm;
His love endures forever.

¹³ to him who divided the Red Sea^[a] asunder
His love endures forever.
¹⁴ and brought Israel through the midst of it,
His love endures forever.
¹⁵ but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea;
His love endures forever.

¹⁶ to him who led his people through the wilderness;
His love endures forever.

¹⁷ to him who struck down great kings,
His love endures forever.
¹⁸ and killed mighty kings—
His love endures forever.
¹⁹ Sihon king of the Amorites
His love endures forever.
²⁰ and Og king of Bashan—
His love endures forever.
²¹ and gave their land as an inheritance,
His love endures forever.
²² an inheritance to his servant Israel.
His love endures forever.

²³ He remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.
²⁴ and freed us from our enemies.
His love endures forever.
²⁵ He gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.

²⁶ Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever

Delight - Thankfulness - Belief/Trust

We are in year three of our recovery as a couple, and as individuals. There's been so much to sort out - from crisis to rebuilding. God has been present from day one. The further out from August 2011 we get, the deeper our healing goes. The "why" of what I did continues to be fleshed out, while continually setting healthy boundaries and "taking every thought captive unto obedience of Christ."

There's so much to learn, but the greatest lesson learned is how to delight in Jesus. He is the answer to the longings of my soul. Why I took 36+ years to learn this lesson and finally believe Him is beyond me. My "trust issues" kept me stuck. Now, every day I wake up, it's a new day to be reminded of His delight - to let His delight change me, to delight in Him, and to pass this delight on to my wife and children.

Out of delight, flows thankfulness, gratitude and praise. As that grows, so does my belief and trust in Him. It all cycles back through - delight, thankfulness, belief/trust. When I lose sight of this, I start to fear, doubt, worry, feel shame/self-hatred, and get "spiritual amnesia," forgetting His goodness. Daily bread.

Romans 8:32, New American Standard Bible (NASB)

 ³² He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?

"Thanks is what builds trust." Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts.

"The foremost quality of a trusting disciple is gratefulness." Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust.

_________________________________________

I mentioned a book this week that has had a big impact on me regarding healing and insight, called Taking Every Thought Captive, by Dr. Mark Laaser.

There's another one I am about to start reading that is by Dave Carder, one of the leading experts on adultery recovery. He wrote Torn Asunder, which is a great read and very helpful to those facing adultery. He has written another book called, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage. I am looking forward to reading it. I hope to gain even more insight about our situation, as well as help others in their pursuit for PREVENTION and recovery. Prevention is the best option!!

 Filling your mind with truth is so important for recovery. Who you talk to, what you watch, what you listen to, and what you read can either help you grow in your hope and trust of Christ, or cause you confusion and to waiver in your commitment to purity, growth, healing, and wholeness. Pray for wisdom and let Christ, "who holds all things together," be huge in your life today. When we are weak, He is strong.

One day at a time. Today is a gift. Receive it. Cherish it. Live it fully. Be amazed by Jesus.