Most people's advice is to tell you to get out ASAP and "leave that loser," or something similar. I understand that. Divorce is probably necessary in certain situations, and may occur even if you try to prevent it from happening. You can't control how your spouse will respond. However, I also know that people in their pain tend to rush through the process and make decisions about divorce too quickly. They frantically seek revenge and a lawyer's advice and do all they can to make the other person pay for their "sin," never really giving reconciliation a chance. Or, the betrayed spouse may think he's done "too much" and there's no way she will stay with him. Therefore, he "runs" from his shame and never faces it head on. It's a hard balance - because there are some people who betray their spouse and then heap even more pain on by their blame, greed, pride, more betrayal and arrogance.
Thankfully, God broke me down immediately, and I wanted our marriage to be saved. However, Amy had every right to leave me, and some probably thought she should have back then. I thank God that she didn't and that He has helped us stay in our recovery. HE is the ONE who pulled that off.
Adultery recovery is painful and requires a lot of hard work, prayer, and God's sustaining grace and power. Not everyone is willing to walk through the painful, uncertain, long, slow process. Each situation involving adultery is different, but there are various truths that apply in all of them. One such is that Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right. What I mean is that as a believer in Christ, if my spouse has betrayed me and seems to be unrepentant and living in sin, seemingly unwilling to change, I cannot justify seeking vengeance and harsh contempt.
We have all sinned and gone astray in some way or another. Therefore, justifying our "sin" because we have been hurt by someone else is not Biblical or what Christ has called us to do. As Dr. Eggerichs says in his book Love and Respect, "My response is my responsibility." Our emotions and "flesh" (and even well meaning friends) may tell us it's okay to lash out and seek revenge, but if the Holy Spirit is residing in us, it tends to not settle well "in our soul." We know we have been forgiven much and to seek revenge and withhold grace from someone is contrary to our faith in Christ.
This doesn't mean you leave yourself vulnerable to abuse and harm, thus being a doormat, but it also doesn't mean you have to be harsh, taking matters into your own hands. My best advice on this issue is to pray for wisdom and let God handle the outcome. Surrender your need to control all of the variables in your situation. You will obsess and ruminate on it all if you live in a constant state of fear, panic, worry and rage. Forgiving too quickly and rushing the process "just so you can stay married" or to "keep him from going back to her" isn't the answer. Going the other extreme and "taking him for every thing he's got" in an effort to make him (or her) suffer pain isn't the answer either. You can still maintain a sense of dignity, self-respect and integrity without being vengeful and "anti" Christian in your efforts. Let Him start His healing in YOU, no matter what the outcome of your situation.
It will be a hard journey, whether you stay married or not. A Bible passage that may give you some insight is found in Romans 2:1-4 (see below). God's ways of getting us to "change" and "repent" isn't always pleasant, but it is always based on His love and His goodness. His discipline and "pruning" is an act of grace and mercy (see the book of Hebrews in the New Testament). Sometimes He lets us fall flat on our face, only to pick us up and start us on the redeeming path. Not everyone lets Him, though. He won't force us to love Him. He gives us chance after chance to surrender to His love and goodness, and trust that His way is best and for our good.
Give your situation, your spouse, your marriage, your family and your heart to God. He is good. He "holds all things together." He is trustworthy. His grace is sufficient. His "kindness leads us to repentance." Even when things seem hopeless, His promises still hold true. He is faithful, even when we are not. Stand in awe of Him, today.
Romans 2:1-4 (NASB)
2 Therefore you have no excuse, [a]everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. 2 And we know that the judgment of God [b]rightly falls upon those who practice such things. 3 But do you suppose this, O man, [c]when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God? 4 Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?
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