Behind Closed Doors

One lesson I believe God is teaching me continually is that He sees the big picture. I don't. All I can see is what is right in front of me, often through a lens of limited perspective of fear, shame, doubt, confusion, etc. HOWEVER, I have a long list of evidences of His past faithfulness, grace, mercy and goodness. What I focus on determines my emotions and level of spiritual understanding, insight and joy. The last thing I want to do is to mishandle His grace and neglect to learn all He wants me to from the past two + years. He's been so good.

I have to pray daily for God to remove the "fog" from my limited perspective and emotions, so I can see Him more clearly. He's at work. I am just in the transition period between coming out of a life of sin and into a life redemption, joy and freedom. Most of my circumstances, if not all, are my doing. Therefore, as I grieve my past sin and face my circumstances, I want to learn how to live a life of joy and gratitude in all He has done, is doing and will do in and through me - all because of HIS grace. I want to be teachable and have "child-like" faith. 

Today, I can summarize some powerful truths regarding the past two years:

• I lived in sin a long time and caused deep pain and damage to lots of people and myself
• God saw fit to pull me out of it 
• I have experienced grace and mercy from God and so many others
• Though my consequences are huge and ongoing, God is gracious and at work in my life
• My marriage was saved and continues to thrive and heal
• My family is still intact and growing closer and stronger
• We are blessed and grateful for so much
• I often have days of difficult emotions, indicating how far I have to go in my journey of letting God prune me of my "idols" and hindrances to fully trusting Him
• I am hopeful that God knows best and has good in store for me as I seek Him, obey Him, delight in Him, and allow Him to have His way with me
• God is the hero of our story and He is trustworthy and worthy of our praise and worship

I don't know what all God has in store for me and my family, but I am hopeful and excited. Though I feel like an "emotional train wreck" most mornings, I know He is with me. Thankfully He is patient and "slow to anger," because I feel so needy and dependent. That's not a bad place to be necessarily, but hopefully I will continue to mature and grow and be more trusting, and less "volatile" emotionally. Not for my sake or my family's only. But, for the sake of a world in need of His hope. Our redemption goes way beyond our family - hopefully it will be a beacon of hope for many others.
  
Proverbs 30:5-9 (NIV)

⁵ “Every word of God is flawless;
    he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.
⁶ Do not add to his words,
    or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar.

⁷ “Two things I ask of you, Lord;
    do not refuse me before I die:
⁸ Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
    give me neither poverty nor riches,
    but give me only my daily bread.
⁹ Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
    and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’
Or I may become poor and steal,
    and so dishonor the name of my God.