Things I Hope I Never Say (or Think)

I don't consider myself to be an expert on recovery from adultery, or much of anything for that matter. However, God has taught Amy and I lots of valuable lessons through this journey that we hope to share with others. We are still learning and growing, so we never want to come across as appearing that we have "arrived." We know we struggle and have to daily let God do His work in and through us.

In an earlier post, called Truly Repentant?, it explained some basic characteristics of a truly repentant person, as seen in the Bible (King David vs. King Saul). To follow that up, there are phrases that as a repentant person, I don't ever want to say, or think. To do so, would mean that I am walking on shaky ground and moving toward problematic thinking or acting. If you hear me say the following statements listed below, then I give you permission to call me out on my behavior and ask me what's up.

If your spouse is saying these sort of statements, then you need to be concerned. Don't jump to conclusions, but dig deeper and seek to understand what they are meaning. If they are stuck in blame, victim mode or show an unwillingness to be humble, "broken and contrite," then you will have some hard decisions to make. Hopefully they aren't. Pray for God to do a miracle in their lives, breaking them of any "chains" of sin. Pray for the courage to do whatever He is calling You to do. Whether you stay and do the hard work recovery or leave the relationship, it will be tough and you will need God to carry you through. Let Him. 

"Red flag" (i.e. warning) Statements To Be Concerned About:

• "Look at all the great things I am doing (or have done)."
• "It's in the past. There's no need to talk about it anymore." 
• "Yeah, but you..." (blame shifting)
• "If things would have been better at home, then maybe I wouldn't have done it."
• "I was just being stupid. I will never do that again." (minimizing the seriousness of the sin)
• "God has forgiven me. When will you? Or, why can't you?"
• "When are we going to stop talking about this? I have already answered your questions (Or, what good is it going to do for me to answer that question?")
• "It's been a few weeks/months. When can we move on?"
• "Are you going to hold this against me the rest of my life or what?"
• "What difference will it make if I do that?"
• "I am doing all the right things. Why don't you appreciate what I am doing? It doesn't seem to make any difference." (in many cases, it's only been a few weeks. The heart needs more time, seeing/experiencing consistent behavior/genuine change). 
• "Why do you need to know where I am going all of the time?"
• "Why do you need to check my phone?"
• "I am not talking to anyone about this. It's none of their business."
• "What's the big deal?" 

Characteristics of a repentant person and one doing recovery well are:

• God is the hero of their story, not themselves
• Take ownership of their mistakes and responsibility for his/her actions
• Don't resort to blame or criticism
• Refuse to consider themselves the "victim"
• Acknowledges the pain he/she has caused you/others
• Takes very seriously your feelings, and those hurt by their actions
• Does the hard work of recovery, as long as it takes, whatever it takes
• Takes accountability and personal growth very seriously
• Makes significant changes, in all aspects of his/her life
• Allows God to do His work in and through them, gradually/daily/long-term

These are just a few of the things I have learned and hope to grasp, take to heart, apply and then pass on to others. I also want to allow others to hold me accountable. God desires a "broken and contrite" heart and is serious about redemption, discipline and restoration, for the benefit of you and the lost world around us.

Romans 2:4 The Message (MSG)

^3-4 You didn’t think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he’s such a nice God, he’d let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.