Undeserving?

As someone in recovery, I have days where I juggle several emotions: Feeling deserving of permanent suffering for my sins, feeling undeserving of goodness and grace from God, Amy and others, and longing to be free in Christ despite my past; hoping for a great future of allowing God to do something good with us/our story.

There are many days that I hate to admit that I am feeling down. Early in the process that was very challenging and often triggered Amy's pain. I want to balance being honest about my emotional state and "journey," while staying committed to surrendering to Christ and fully trusting that He is good. I want joy despite my circumstances. I want hope rather than despair. Praise and worship of Jesus rather than self-pity or shame. 

This journey Amy and I are on has been truly amazing. At the same time, it has stretched us and challenged us further than we ever imagined. We would be crazy to think we did it ourselves. God has shown Himself in so many ways to us and proven we can trust Him, even when things seem too much. He is our rock, redeemer, provider and sustainer. Neither Amy nor I want that role, and know we would fail miserably if it were up to us.

My sin deserved death and despair, but I got life and redemption. I am forever grateful. I can't take credit and "plagiarize" God's work.

• He saw me in the far country. 
• He said "No more!" 
• He called me out. 
• He is redeeming me and setting me free. 
• He is pruning and disciplining me. 
• He is sustaining me. 
• He is leading me. 
• He is the answer to my past, present and future. 
• He is enough. 

I simply get to participate and trust and obey, believing He is good. That seems so simplistic but is taking me a while to embrace. "I believe. Help my unbelief!"

 

Romans 6:15-18, 21-23 (NIV)

 ¹⁵ What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! ¹⁶ Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? ¹⁷ But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. ¹⁸ You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

 ²¹ What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! ²² But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. ²³ For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in^[b] Christ Jesus our Lord.