"There are no guarantees"

I am thankful for a long list of things over the past 2 1/2 years, during our recovery. One of them is to be able to read Amy's thoughts, feelings, prayers, etc. in her blog and journal, even as far back as 2008. Though at times it has been very painful to read, it provides me with tons of insight, gratitude, and healing.

I get to see God's faithfulness before, during, and after my "season of sin" and betrayal. I get to see Amy's faith journey and her walk with Christ - during the difficult times and times of celebration. This is very important for me to read about and reflect on because my sin had blinded me and caused me to feel shame, bitterness, anger, fear, self-hatred, emotional distance, and kept me stuck in a rut of sin and destruction.

For the past week or so, I have been reading through her blog and trying to put some thoughts and insights together in a bit of a chronological timeline. Those "pre-fall out" days have triggered all sorts of emotions in me - how could I be so selfish and sinful? How could I take for granted my family, my marriage, my children? It's a lot to take in, but how critical it is for me to feel the weight of my sin, while rejoicing in God's redemption and work - despite my sin!

Here is a portion of Amy's blog from June 2013. She had reached a place of acceptance by realizing "there are no guarantees." Sadly, most couples don't survive, but thankfully many do, and are better for it. It is slow, painful journey that takes years of work, prayer, surrender, and trust in Christ. Her words from her blog are very true and points to the One who is faithful and enough - He's our only true hope.

Friday, June 28, 2013, "What ifs..."

When I was confronted with Scotty's unfaithfulness and the deep remorse that followed, I was completely confident that I wanted to stick it out and work on our marriage. I had no doubts about that. However, as you might expect, I did/do experience occasional anxiety over the "what ifs" of our future.

• What if Scotty does this again in the future?
• What if the thoughts of what happened are ALWAYS a part of my life?
• What if Scotty can't deal with the fact that I STILL have bad days years into the healing process?

This list could go on..... and on..... and on.......

And, the frustrating thing about this list is that there are no guarantees. Despite our best intentions, we just don't know what will happen in the future. Scotty could attempt to assure me that he will NEVER do this again. But, he didn't really PLAN to do it in the first place.

The many books that I've read and the therapists we've seen can tell me that my undesirable thoughts that pop up out of nowhere will lessen with time, but they can't PROMISE that they will.

Do you see what I'm saying? THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES!!! And, honestly... that's unsettling.

You have your own "what ifs" even if you aren't healing from adultery. If you've committed to a process that takes work of any kind, there are absolutely NO guarantees that your work will stand the test of time. Unsettling, right?

So, if life can give me no guarantees, where do I go? What do I trust?

I trust that God, through His Son, Jesus Christ,will ALWAYS be enough!

• If I find myself in another situation where someone I trust has been unfaithful, God will be faithful. And, that will be ENOUGH!
• If I am still having unwanted and unpredictable thoughts about things & people I don't want to think about years down the road, God will bring peace in the midst of each storm. And, that will be ENOUGH!
• If Scotty decides that my inability to completely forget the past even though I've chosen to forgive is too much for him to handle, God will be able to handle it. And, that will be ENOUGH!