I Lied Straight Faced

Three weeks before the news broke of my betrayal,  I was spiraling out of control inwardly, doing damage control outwardly, and trying to turn my life around all at the same time. For a couple of weeks, in my office I had all my personal belongings hidden in a box under my desk, ready to "go" in case the news broke. I even told my pastor that I was starting the transition to leave the church to pursue a business adventure with a friend of mine. I was desperate for a way out. I wanted to resign on good terms and needed a valid excuse to leave.

Due to the tension between my pastor and I, he agreed to work with me on a six month plan. He said I was more cut out for interim work, and said it may be best that way. I took that to mean my that "pain in the butt" attitude and difficulty dealing with his authority was a sign of some major problems for him. And for me. My shame was very deep, and it caused me to feel deep resentments, anger, and many more negative emotions.

I was VERY uncomfortable serving with my pastor the last year of my time there. I avoided him as much as I could. Despite his belief in me initially and his desire to mentor me, I pulled away and even got highly agitated with him (and others there) on many occasions. I questioned his leadership, I didn't respect his authority, and I didn't participate as a team member well. It is very bothersome that I was so negative and dishonoring to the Lord on so many levels. Sin has a way of sucking the life out of you and those around you.

Rumors were flying all around about my betrayal. A friend of mine at the church even came to me and asked about it. He invited me to be a part of a men's accountability group that he was starting. I went and felt very convicted of my sin and burdened by my betrayal. I even confessed to the men about my desire to pursue Christ and be more pure/accountable to other men. I wanted to make positive changes, though I still anticipated my sin would be found out. Lying and avoiding people could only last for a season.

One day my friend asked me to meet him before the group to talk through the things he was hearing. I told him I wanted to be honest with him about things and answer his questions. I told him that some inappropriate things had happened, however, I left out key details. Here's the sad part, I lied to him and acted as if I was being completely truthful. I looked him right in the eye and lied. Two weeks or so later, I was standing before the church confessing my sin. I had lied all the way up until the day it came out. My betrayal spread far and wide.

Thankfully I was broken and humbled immediately. It's a relief to no longer have to hide in sin, HOWEVER, there's a huge price to pay. Amy paid a high price, as well as some very close friends of mine. The betrayal they felt hurt them deeply, too. I lost close friends, still to this day. I believe they have forgiven me, but our relationship has been forever tainted. As I've said also, some of our relationships actually have gotten stronger since this all happened. It's a bit of a "mixed bag" so to speak. Full of pain and life change.

If I could rewind my life, I would do things much differently; as far back as 1993 when I became a Christian. I had so much baggage, even as a 19 year old that I didn't fully know what to do with. I have witnessed God's hand on me for a long, long time. I am amazed by His grace and patience. For years, I wondered, "Why me? Why save me and put up with me? Why waste your time on me?"

Though I don't know the answer fully, I am grateful He has saved me and continues to walk with me through this journey of healing. He obviously has plans for me that go way beyond me. I want to keep pursuing those plans and Him and be able to hear Him say, "Well done." Not just for my sake, but for the sake of my family, my community, and even for the world - that they may know Him and witness firsthand the power of Christ - even in the life of a recovering adulterer. _______________________________________________________________

1 Timothy 1:12-16

The Lord Pours Out His Grace on Paul

¹² I am thankful to Christ Jesus our Lord. He has given me strength. I thank him that he considered me faithful. And I thank him for appointing me to serve him.
¹³ I used to speak evil things against Jesus. I tried to hurt his followers. I really pushed them around. But God showed me mercy anyway. I did those things without knowing any better. I wasn’t a believer.
¹⁴ Our Lord poured out more and more of his grace on me. Along with it came faith and love from Christ Jesus.
¹⁵ Here is a saying that you can trust. It should be accepted completely. Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners.
And I am the worst sinner of all. ¹⁶ But for that very reason, God showed me mercy. And I am the worst of sinners. He showed me mercy so that Christ Jesus could show that he is very patient. I was an example for those who would come to believe in him. Then they would receive eternal life.