Your spouse is not the enemy

"Your spouse is not the enemy." Do you believe that? Probably so if your marriage is going well or you have good perspective. I know at this point in my marriage and life that Amy is not my enemy. She's my ally, friend, helpmate, beloved, and life partner. A few years ago while in the midst of my "sin and sickness," I didn't feel this way. I believed the lie that she was my enemy, or at least that she wasn't for me. I even thought she was disgusted by me.

With that "jacked up" thinking, I was frequently irritable, defensive, and withdrawn from Amy. I didn't like to hear about her struggles with me. I took it personally and reacted harshly often. I didn't like to be confronted. I didn't like anything that remotely sounded like criticism or disapproval. I eventually let myself go down the dark path of betrayal, which only compounded my inner struggles, self hatred, anger, and shame.

Now that I am out of that dark world of sin, I see more clearly. I see now that 1). Amy is for me and loves me deeply and 2) Change starts with me.

There's no doubt that my sin has hurt Amy deeply. She and I have been on a hard road of recovery, but we have seen growth and transformation that we are forever grateful for. I also see how much she loves me, and how much she loved me the first 14 years of our marriage. I failed to see it back then and believed so many lies about her and myself.

I also see more clearly that change starts with me. I have to take responsibility for my life, my choices, my growth and personal development, my thoughts and beliefs, and my reactions to life. I need to pursue Christ with my whole heart and let Him do the work in me. I don't want to live in bitterness, negativity and blame everyone else, particularly Amy, for my problems and insecurities.

I hear many husbands complain about their wives. In essence, I believe they are believing the lie that says, "My spouse is my enemy. She's not for me." They may not admit that or realize that's what happening, but I can imagine that plays a role in their feelings. This isn't discounting the fact that many wives ARE in fact difficult to live with. At times, some wives APPEAR to be on Satan's team. Sorry ladies. I know that some wives are angry, controlling, etc., but that doesn't give husbands the green light to stop loving, leading, or taking responsibility for themselves and their God given roles as a man and husband.

It's a hard balance. If I am believing the lie that my spouse wants to control me, is not for me, is disgusted by me, doesn't love me, doesn't want me to lead, etc, then I will react harshly OR withdraw and stop trying. Or, if I trust God's promises and truth, then HOPEFULLY I will determine to make things right and ask God to help me work on me and my marriage, no matter what!

The reality is, there is only one real enemy - we call him Satan (i.e. Lucifer, the Devil, a roaring lion, El Diablo, a thief, etc.). Look at John 10:10...

John 10:10, Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

¹⁰ A thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance.

A "thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy..." That's Satan's plan and desire - to destroy God's people - marriages and families. He's the real enemy, not our spouse. Things may be terrible in your marriage, but you are still not enemies. You both may act like you are, you may hurt each other deeply; however, the real enemy is Satan. Jesus, however, came to give you life. Who are you believing more? That will be determined by how you think and act. 

Please don't think I am discounting the difficulty of life, marriage, etc. Amy and I struggled through many issues for years before life as we knew it fell apart. God has been at work mending our hearts and relationship THANKFULLY. We still have to do the work, though. We still have to surrender to His best and trust His heart, love, and grace. We still have to humbly bow before Him and give up our tendencies to try to figure things out on our own.

Want a better relationship? Remember a few principles of being a Christ follower that I have had to learn the hard way...

• Change starts with "me."
• My spouse is not my enemy
• My response is my responsibility
• God's truth and commands are based on Him, not our emotions or circumstances
• If God is for, then who can be against us
• Nothing can separate us from His love
• Love each other as Christ loved the church - service, sacrifice, unconditional love/respect
• Marriage is intended to be a reflection of God's love for us through His Son
• Apart from Christ you can do nothing

The real enemy is Satan. Jesus is the hero of our lives, marriages, and stories. Let Him do the work in You that He wants to do. These are truths I need to remember daily. May I never forget.

Our story is about... A husband who betrayed. A wife who stayed. And a God who saved. As the deacon told me the day I resigned, "Sin sucks like Hell, but God is good." That pretty much sums it all up in one sentence.
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John 10:10, The Message (MSG)

^6-10 Jesus told this simple story, but they had no idea what he was talking about. So he tried again. “I’ll be explicit, then. I am the Gate for the sheep. All those others are up to no good—sheep stealers, every one of them. But the sheep didn’t listen to them. I am the Gate. Anyone who goes through me will be cared for—will freely go in and out, and find pasture. A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.