One of the Longest Hours of My Life

On August 28, 2011, I sat in the worship service of FBC Clinton with a weight of shame that was nearly unbearable. I sat with a select group of friends near the front of the sanctuary as I waited to share the dreaded news of my resignation. I expected to share quickly and leave the sanctuary with Amy and never look back. I don't recall much of that worship service prior to my resigning, other than the darkness I felt. I was grateful to have a few friends sit with us to show their support. I'm sure they had their own feelings of confusion, anger, hurt, and uncertainty. I'm also grateful Amy never left my side. Her love became very clear that day, and since then.

The sanctuary appeared mostly full, except for the 70+ children who had been dismissed for children's church, as always right before the sermon. Unlike every Sunday prior, I remained in the sanctuary. As I said in a previous post, I didn't even say goodbye to them and most of them haven't seen me since. No more VBS. No more parents night out. No more Big City. No more Sunday school. No more camp. I had vanished from their lives. Sin is very costly, and not to just the one committing it. This has been a huge life lesson I never want to take for granted or forget.

After the sermon, Dr. Compton announced that I had something to share with the church. He asked me to come to the front of the church. I had stood before the church numerous times before this dark Sunday, but for different reasons: to share announcements, to do the welcome, etc. This, however, was quite different and would send shock waves to the 600+ people in attendance that day.

I had a small slip of paper with three sentences on it. The gist of the three sentences was that I was "resigning immediately, due to marital unfaithfulness, and please pray for us, I am truly sorry." I ashamedly read those three sentences aloud and looked down mostly. However, when I looked up at the conclusion of reading the sentences aloud, I remember one very vivid memory. The face of a beloved church member's look of shock. Her mouth opened wide and her hand covered her mouth quickly. The devastation on her face was obvious. It is an image I will never forget. This beloved church member had served so faithfully and had been a great support to me during my three years at the church. Now, she was seeing a Christian brother fall flat on his face.

After I read the statements aloud, Amy came up to the front, amazingly, and stood with me while Dr. Compton talked for what appeared to be an hour, but was actually only about 30 seconds. I don't recall what all he said, but he basically told the church it was time to be the church, to show forgiveness, etc. What happened next was humbling and quite shocking to me. The service ended and nearly 100 people stood in line to hug us and share words of encouragement with us. I was blown away.

Women shared with Amy they had been through similar struggles. Men affirmed me. People simply hugged us and said they would miss us. That experience was one of the most healing experiences of my life. My darkness had been exposed, my sins had gone public, and YET people showed me grace. I will never forget that. It was a powerful, life-changing experience that touched me deeply.

I don't know what the other 500 people felt that day. Some were probably guests and may have never come back to the church. Others were probably angry and disgusted. Some confused and not sure what to think. I know there were many parents, teenagers and students in that audience that day. Teenagers and youth I had grown to love and shared many great experiences with. Parents I had walked through life with. Now, it all probably felt like a lie to them. That is heart breaking.

On Friday, August 26, 2011 I initially said I would not stand in front of the church to resign. I was foolish to think that. After talking to Dr. Compton and Jim Gifford that night, I agreed to do as they asked. As Dr. Compton said, "The church needs it for their healing and you need it for your healing." He was right. I needed it more than I would ever understand until afterwards. Confession is freeing and healing. As Tom Edwards sings, "Confessions leads to freedom one more time."

God had seen enough sin in my life and said, "No more." My fallout was an act of grace. God used it to free me from my darkness and sin. I regret going down that ugly path and causing so much harm to so many people. However, I am thankful that God is bigger than my sin. He's big enough to work in the lives of those believers and unbelievers affected by my sin. He's big enough to keep me on the path of righteousness and healing. He's big enough to save my marriage and use this tragedy and "earthquake" for good. I pray I will continue to let Him do so. For my sake, my family's sake, for hundreds, even millions of others' sake.