Recovery Journey Overview

It is third year of my/our recovery. It's hard to believe. So much has happened. As Dave Ramsey says, "I'm better than I deserve." I was talking to a guy the other day about his recovery process, and he is still in his first year. He has very similar feelings as I did in that first year. It got me to thinking about my journey and what the steps have been for me. Not everyone has these steps, but it's helpful hopefully for those in recovery to see what they may expect.

This is a long post, but I pray it's helpful and highlights how faithful the Lord has been to us.

Year One
What a rough first year. Leading up to the "fall out" was bad enough. Months of fear, anxiety, shame, and dread. I was spiraling out of control. When I finally had to confess to Amy on that dreadful Friday morning, all heck broke loose and the whirlwind of sin and consequences had begun.

Betrayal. Anger. Shame. Guilt. Shock. Confusion. Hatred. All of these emotions and more were occurring with me, Amy and lots of others. News broke fast and within two days of me confessing,  I was standing in front of 600+ people, publicly resigning from my ministerial position. The chaos and confusion would settle in, and the recovery journey would begin.

As my friend Mark said, "Walk through the pain." That proved very helpful, especially on the many days I felt alone, overwhelmed with shame and guilt. Amy and I somehow reconnected as a couple, but also hit some deep, dark lows. She wanted me close but also wanted me far away. I had hurt her deeply. Thankfully, the sins that kept us at a distance were now exposed and out of the way, but the damage was intense. God would have to do a miracle. And, He did.

We spent 10 months living in the area where we had been for over 19 years. I worked part time with a friend just to try and make ends meet. Times were tough but somehow we didn't lose everything. Socially, we knew tons of people. That at one time had been a good thing. As a result, I spent the first 6 months, hardly leaving the house. If I did get out, it was for the kids activities. I went to stores outside of town. We went to church 45 minutes away. I had very high social anxiety and shame for many, many months.

On the positive side, Amy and I did numerous Bible studies together. We pursued God together like never before. We got closer to people we had only been acquaintances with mostly. These friends were a lifeline to us. Huge acts of grace and care that we needed desperately. We went to counseling. I journaled, prayed, and studied intensely. We were committed to healing and were doing all we could to stay close together. The first year was about survival, praying for God's direction, and preparing to move if the Lord allowed.

We were able to sell our house after 9 months, lived with friends for 6 weeks to allow the kids to finish ball, and then moved to a new community. God came through and blessed us with so much. We were able to move to a great community and rebuild our lives. We were not running from our past. We were running to God's plans for our future. Even in our new community we would use our "fallout" for good as best we could; while still trying to survive and eventually thrive as a couple and a family. Moving was very difficult, but staying would have been more difficult.

Year Two
The second year definitely had its challenges, but we saw God do things unlike ever before. He started answering prayers in so many ways. Amy's business grew, I started counseling again (though I was fully ready to give it up completely if it was the Lord's will), and we found a home and a community that welcomed us and opened us to new friendships. Our children were happy. We saw God move in ways we never dreamed.

I still had lots of shame, but it started decreasing gradually and was getting healed. I was highly remorseful and sorrowful and wanted so badly to make things right. I self-reported my unethical/immoral behavior to my counseling licensing board and started working the process with them. Amy and I still saw our awesome counselor several times during the year. We still pursued God's best for our marriage and family through church, prayer, Bible study, journals, and counseling.

There were many dark days, though. We hit some all time lows that seemed too much to bear. These lows seemed to come quickly and the triggers weren't always clear. Sometimes they would last for days. Other times they last two to three weeks. For the first 14 years of our marriage, I had been very moody, defensive, angry and withdrawn. Now, I was way less of all of those and was much more engaged in the process of daily life. However, I still had days where I struggled with a feeling of  heaviness. I had days of irritability and moodiness that I hated but couldn't always shake. Overall, things were WAY better than before, but life still had its challenges.

Year two also included trying to rebuild our finances. I had put us through some major financial challenges. We accrued debt, lost 60 to 70%  of our income, yet God somehow sustained us. We had to work hard to build our new businesses and pay bills. Many days we didn't know how we were going to make it. It's still quite amazing to look back and see God's hand at work. Though we have a ways to go before we are out of the "hole," we are seeing growth and progress.

Year two also got us started moving toward using our story as a way to help others. God had done so much. We didn't want to keep this a secret. We could have moved to a new place and not told anyone, but that was not our intentions. We shared with many people, mostly privately, and saw God do amazing things. By the end of year two, Amy publicly shared her testimony by video with our church of over 600 people. What a powerful testimony! It was incredible. God used it in many powerful ways. We are grateful we have a story of His redemption and grace.

Year Three
It's a huge blessing to me that I can say we are in year three. It marks a huge milestone for me/us. We know that recovery is a lifelong process and will continue on it's path. Things have shifted a bit in our focus, though. Now, we are focusing on rebuilding our family and trying to leave a legacy of change and freedom in Christ. We are also focused on honoring God with our businesses and seeking financial freedom.

I want to learn how to be the spiritual leader of my home. For 16 years of marriage, I have failed to lead. Now, I am finally ready for God to show me how. I want to lead with confidence, clarity, a servants heart, and with courage. I know this will take time, but it's a journey worth pursuing.

I want to a better father. I want to disciple my children to honor the Lord and love Him with their whole heart. I want to be fun, loving, affectionate and verbally bless and affirm them often. I want to discipline them well and lead them toward repentance and ownership of their choices. I want to spend as much time with them in a purposeful way and not let work and life's busyness hinder me. I want them to know without a doubt that I love them unconditionally and fully.

I want to love Amy fully and as Christ loved the church. I want to date her, serve her, lead her, and show her how much I love her. I want to support her in her business. I want to be faithful to her in my heart, mind and actions. I want to protect her. I want her to know what it's like to have a husband devoted to God first, and then to her.

I want to remain humble and repentant about my past but not let shame or fear have room in my heart. I am thankful that I went to eat at a restaurant in Clinton last week while visiting family. That was a huge milestone for me. I had not done that in over two years. The intense feelings of shame have decreased. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan to spend much time in Clinton, but it's nice to be able to "get out more" while there. My past is part of my story, and I want God to use it for good wherever and whenever He sees fit.

I am also focusing on how to build a career and seek financial blessing. I want to break free from the financial damage I caused, while also finding ways to give back. I can't give as much when money is such an issue. I want to be full of wisdom and courage and let God do His work in me. If riches never come, it's okay because I have been blessed for life. God is good. I want to be content like the apostle Paul, whether in need or well off.

I want to continue to be accountable with and to other men. I am grateful that I have been invited to be a part of two year curriculum based men's group starting this month. It is 12 men walking through life together weekly, as we each study, pray and pursue Christ. I need and want this. Accountability was lacking in my life for way too long.

Our children are getting to the point where they will have more and more questions about what happened. I am praying for their hearts to receive it well. My nearly 11 old is the most curious. He and I will need to have many talks about purity, grace, and how to honor the Lord with his mind and body. My other two children are not far behind needing those talks as well. I am nervous about the talks, but I am trusting the Lord to watch over them and give them the grace they need.

It's 2014. I am excited to see what all God in and around us. There's still a lot of work to do for me personally, but I am very hopeful. I am honored to even be able to write about all of the good things that are happening. I still hate what I did. I wish it wasn't my story, but since it is, I want to allow God to do great things with it. I am not celebrating sin. I am celebrating Christ who can take away my sin and replace it with something way better. ____________________________________________________________________

Jeremiah 29:11-13, (NASB)

¹¹ For I know the plans that I ^[a]have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.