For most of my life, I have not felt strong, adequate, confident, or able to do what it takes to succeed - at least for the most part. I have areas of confidence, but not full confidence. I have submitted to this mindset for far too long. Amy is weary of it, and so am I. This summer, I believe God has said, "Enough. Let's walk out of that bondage and start living, really living." I am excited and scared to death. As they say, "there is no courage without fear."
I want desperately to lead Amy and my family. I want to be strong, confident, daring, bold yet humble, assertive, and barrel through any resistance from the evil one, whether I feel like it or not. I do it with writing and running. Why not as a leader of my home, with money, or with career? That's my "million dollar question." When (not if) I get clarity on that question, then my life will look very different - for the good.
For the past three years, I have worked diligently to retrain my mind and heart to think and believe differently. I have hit walls and faced some struggles and frustrations. I have not followed through with some key decisions. This summer, I have been overwhelmed and a bit frustrated with my lack of drive and determination. It's time to stop that non sense. It's time to take action. I am ready to stop simply talking about overcoming my fears. It's time to actually face them and overcome them. My feelings have led me to give in to doubt and fear. It's time to live in faith, truth, boldness, and confidence in the Lord.
If I don't keep reminding myself of this and letting others remind me, then I will become a weaker and weaker man who doesn't keep his word. That's not acceptable. I hate that I have put Amy in the position of having to take up the slack for my failures and struggle to provide and lead our family. I hate that I haven't been a great example to my three children who need to see a strong (yet humble) man and follower of Christ who fights for his family daily.
In some ways, I think I deep down wanted Amy to take care of my emotional needs and "baggage." In my lack of confidence as a leader of my home, I looked to her to give me validation when it came to decisions. I let my need and longing for her approval keep me stuck in indecisiveness. I am the one called to lead, alongside her. I have neglected to do that well. I still want her validation, approval, and affection, but on the days she struggles to give it or I struggle to receive it, I WANT TO LEAD ANYWAY! I've been holding back when I don't feel her love or approval. That's not fair to her. It's sinful and not what God desires. It's immature as a follower of Christ.
God knows my heart and longings. He wants me to fully trust Him, even when my feelings don't line up with what I know to be true. I have confessed this and want to start living free. I am tired of going back into the prison cell of shame, doubt, fear, and inadequacy. I am thankful for the men in my life who are there to encourage me and lift me up. I am thankful that I have opened up to them and let them speak life into me. It's been a huge part of my recovery and healing that has kept me in the fight.
This is a transparent confession that I needed to share. I have been holding back from blogging this part of my journey for the past couple of weeks. I talked to a dear brother in the Lord last night for over an hour, and it was a timely and hugely important conversation. It was exactly what I needed, though before we talked I nearly avoided the conversation all together. I am glad I got to talk to him. It was another evidence of God's grace and mercy through His people.
There is a song that has spoken to me often by Sanctus Real called, "Lead Me." The words are what I treasure and long to do as a husband and father. The video link is below. May God speak to you through it.
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