I would like both...

I have counseled numerous men who have betrayed their spouses. Many of them are still married, trying to salvage the damage they caused, while seeking to restore their marriage and personal life. Others are still stuck in defensiveness and blame mode, not willing to humble themselves and do the work of confession, repentance, and reconciliation. 

There are a few men I have worked alongside who have not experienced much financial difficulty but are struggling to reconnect with their wives and heal personally/spiritually. Amy and I, on the other hand, have reconnected as a couple and family in ways I can't explain but am forever grateful for. However, I am still trying to undo a lot of the financial damage and loss I caused us when I lost my job, ministry and career.

If I had to choose between being financially stable but unstable in my marriage and less connected or being financially distressed but deeply connected to my wife, then I would choose the latter. I would not give up being closely connected to Amy for financial stability. Never in a million years.

Why not have both, though, or at least pray for it and strive for it? I hate what I have done to my family, on all levels, including the financial. We are not homeless or facing foreclosure or bankruptcy by any means. Things could be worse and things could be better. Therefore, it is my mission to keep building my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my walk with Christ, and my maturity as a man, while at the same time being determined to repair the financial damage I have caused us.

I don't want to lose sight of the huge blessings we have experienced in this journey. I want to take full responsibility for my sin and walk through it as long as it takes, whatever it takes. Admittedly, it is challenging some days to face the lingering effects of my consequences. I want things to move more quickly, but God's timing is better, best, and purposeful. He is pruning me, preparing me, and preparing us for something. I don't know what and when, but I am trusting His ways, His plans and His heart.
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Proverbs 16:9, New International Version (NIV)

⁹ In their hearts humans plan their course,
    but the Lord establishes their steps.

God is Able

God is able to do more than we can imagine or think. What if He isn't willing to do so in the way we hoped or imagined? Then what? Do we still trust? Do we doubt? Do we panic? Do we bail on Him? Hopefully we keep trusting, keep seeking, and keep pursuing Him, no matter our circumstances. I occasionally pray a prayer of request and then conclude by saying, "But if you have something better in mind, then please forget what I said and do what You had in mind."

I believe that my faith is stronger than it feels some days. Some days I feel shaky. Other days I feel hopeful. Thankfully God is not moved or hindered by my feelings. I want to remain steady and trust Him, no matter my feelings or circumstances. It's challenging at times, but what a privilege and joy it is to be a child of God with good, loving, personal, powerful, and mighty Heavenly Father. He's big enough to create the world and hold all things together. Surely I can trust Him to help me through my tiny little world and experiences.

More than a better "half"

Here is a thought for marriage: Don't discredit and offend your wife by calling her your better "half." She's more than a half (or at least can be and wants to be). Same goes for us as men and husbands. What a privilege it is as spouse's to help our mates become the best they can be through our leadership, service, love, encouragement, and support.

Imagine how much stronger marriages would be if husbands and wives took seriously their personal/spiritual growth and development, while increasing their level of influence, service, support, and encouragement of and for each other. Jerry McGuire had it all wrong. 1/2 plus 1/2 doesn't "complete you." It makes a mess. Instead, strive toward wholeness and move toward a 1 + 1 type of relationship.

It will require more energy, work, courage, and effort, but as Zig Ziglar says, "Enjoy the benefits" and watch what happens! There are no guarantees it will work out just as you hope or imagine, but guess what? It could potentially turn out better. You will never know if you don't start the process.
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Ephesians 3:20-21, New American Standard Bible (NASB)

²⁰ Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, ²¹ to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations ^[a]forever and ever. Amen.

The Grass IS Greener

While I was running this morning, a song by Casting Crowns (from their new album called Thrive- it's great) referenced "the grass is greener" phrase. It got me to thinking about that saying and my life now. I have often heard that phrase used in a negative sense. However, I thought about it in a more positive light this morning.

What I realized is that the grass IS "greener on the other side" when you are living on the wrong side of the fence. You may not realize it at the time or know how exactly to get to the "other side," though. I have lived on the "wrong side" before. Now that I am out of that "pasture," I can honestly say the grass is greener and more fulfilling. Thank God for grace, forgiveness, and redemption.

I have lived in the "far country." The grass wasn't green and plush. My soul was miserable. I was selfish and pursuing "comfort" and acceptance and pleasure in "all the wrong places" and in all the wrong ways. Once God brought me out of that life, humbled me to my knees and led me to confession and repentance, I can see more clearly what it means to "taste and see that Lord is good." 

In God's pasture, the grass is green, plush, fulfilling, and brings joy, comfort, and peace. It isn't always easy, free from struggles, or risk free in God's pasture. However, He, the Good Shepherd, is there with us to protect us, care for us, mend us, and guide us - if we would but trust and follow Him and stay close to Him. 

He also will leave the "fold" and come get us, His lost sheep, when we leave the safety of His pasture. He doesn't leave us forever on our own. He may allow all sorts of struggles to occur and consequences to enter our lives, but His promises remain true. He will never leave or forsake His "sheep," and He is faithful even when we are "faithless." 

I want to stay in the safety and joy of God's will and abide in Him. I don't ever want to go back to the "far country." No matter how difficult life gets, nothing can bring peace, joy, relief, courage, hope, and fulfillment like Jesus Christ. In Him, I am a "spiritual bazillionaire." Why would I want to throw all that away for the lies of sin and Satan? It's like "anti freeze to a dog," it may taste sweet for a moment, but soon kills you and destroys your life in the blink of an eye. 
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Luke 15:1-7, Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

The Parable of the Lost Sheep

15 All the tax collectors and sinners were approaching to listen to Him. ² And the Pharisees and scribes were complaining, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them!”

³ So He told them this parable: ⁴ “What man among you, who has 100 sheep and loses one of them, does not leave the 99 in the open field^[a] and go after the lost one until he finds it? ⁵ When he has found it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders, ⁶ and coming home, he calls his friends and neighbors together, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, because I have found my lost sheep!’ ⁷ I tell you, in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous people who don’t need repentance.

Kiddie Ride of Life

There is a phrase that I thought about when I started counseling again in 2012. It was a personal and professional "slogan." I even put it on some business cards at one time. The slogan was:

Embrace Your Brokenness. Pursue Wholeness.

This is a big step for a lot of people. It was for me. I used to avoid "embracing" my brokenness and took it very personally if someone told me I was "broken." It triggered all sorts of anger, shame, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy and pride - all at the same time. As I have said before on this blog, I called myself, "Mr. Defensive." How embarrassing. My beloved wife put up with a lot for a long time. Very sad. It demonstrates her character, love, perseverance, and faith in God for sure. Many would have recommended that she leave me a long time ago. I am thankful she didn't.

The other side of the slogan is "pursue wholeness." This is an important piece because we don't need to just accept that we are broken and stay there. Acceptance starts the healing process. Pursuing wholeness, particularly in Christ, is where our growth occurs. I don't want to stay "broken," at least not as I was. I will never be whole this side of Heaven, but I want Christ to get me as close as possible in the mean time. I want to experience life to the fullest as a follower of Christ. Spiritual freedom and overflow is possible, even if life circumstances may seem to contradict this truth.

As I seek to grow in Christ, I want to be obedient to His calling and leadership. I mess it up daily and waiver in unbelief and fear quite often; more than I prefer. He keeps carrying me through and sustaining me, which is HUGE to me. There have been days when I thought I couldn't endure much more. Even recently I have been overwhelmed to the point of complete surrender and nearly begging God to give me relief from the "struggle." He is continually showing me more of Himself, increasing my faith in Him, decreasing my dependence on myself and tangible things, and more.

It's a roller coaster ride no doubt. Admittedly, I secretly want to get on the "kiddie ride" since it has less ups and downs, but where would the fun be in that? I would probably get bored or ungrateful if my life and "recovery" (toward thriving) wasn't so challenging and difficult. I don't want God to remove the struggle completely (maybe lighten it a bit). I want Him to increase in me HIS faith, strength, gratitude, hope, courage, joy, boldness, humility, and confidence. I pray that He will continue to amaze me with His love, discipline, character, and goodness.

To my friends here in North MS who have to be around me often, I want to apologize for being so "up and down" emotionally. Some may not notice as much as others, so maybe I am over analyzing it a bit. However, it is a testimony of God's goodness that we have so many dear friends here, throughout the state and beyond that have stuck with us through it all. It's really quite amazing that people have loved us and me - knowing all that I have done. I have a lot of work to do still, but it's a journey that has been God-sized and quite amazing. Dear Lord, "Heal the wounds and leave the scars." 

Recovering "Smart Mouth"

For many years, I coached baseball and soccer. I am highly competitive and my "passion" usually got the best of me and caused problems. It seemed that I could find conflict whenever I stepped foot onto the sports complex. I had an edge about me that seemed to bring conflict to me. Or, as Amy said recently, "You couldn't let anything go." I had to speak my mind (well, I didn't have to but often did). I am a recovering "smart mouth" (to put it nicely). Other words come to mind that I won't type here.

As a recovering "smart mouth," I still have to fight to hold in my tongue when "potential conflict" occurs or something happens that pushes my buttons. When we moved to North MS, we immediately joined a ball team with both of our boys. It has been a huge blessing to them and us. Admittedly, I was concerned that being on the ball field again would be a challenge for Amy and me. It was a bit of a sticky issue for us, since for years I caused such turmoil in our marriage through my actions and attitude on and off the ball field.

Miraculously, Amy and I have only one or two minor incidents that triggered some minor troublesome emotions for her and our marriage. I have worked hard to let go of a lot of my "edge," so we can all enjoy the ball watching (and now coaching). It has been a huge blessing.

This past weekend, though, my buttons got pushed. I was very agitated but thankfully remained calm (mostly). I did complain about the incident for a couple of hours, but it was not near the problem that it would have been a few years ago. Thank the Lord.

It was really a quite annoying situation that happened. We were watching our oldest son play ball, and as the game started wrapping up, the parents of the next team to play on the field starting making their way into our "space." They were drifting closer and closer to where Amy and I were sitting. Then, as soon as the game was over, they swarmed our area. We were packing up our things and looked up to find that we were completely surrounded. Literally, 10 or 15 people had made a circle around us and were just staring at us.

I looked toward where we were going and saw about a six inch gap between an older lady and a man. I looked at him and said in a bit of an agitated tone, "Do you think we could get by?" He, in his smart mouthed tone said, "Why certainly." Aw man. Did that push a button. I am a bit embarrassed to admit it, though the situation was totally uncalled for. The people could have waited and given us space. Oh well.

It was a "close call" moment that could have gone much worse; especially being Easter weekend. I wish I would have not gotten so bothered internally about it. I felt like I responded to them in a calm manner, though on the inside I was highly bothered. I don't know what I would have done differently a few years ago, but I hope I never have to find out. I want to continue to grow in this area because we are going to spend a lot of time on the ball field. There will be people who do crazy things out of my control. I just don't want to be one of those "crazy" people who causes a scene.

I can laugh about it now, mostly. I want to keep growing, while also learning to laugh at myself more. I know I have work to do. As a recovering "smart mouth," I hope to use my words to speak life. Man, it sure is hard sometimes. :)

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James 3:10, The Message (MSG)

^7-10 This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!
^10-12 My friends, this can’t go on. A spring doesn’t gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it? Apple trees don’t bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don’t bear apples, do they? You’re not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you?

The Boston Marathon

Today is (or was, depending on when you read this) the Boston Marathon. It is a marathon for people who had to earn a spot. You don't just show up and run the race. You have to qualify with a certain time, depending on your age. Boston is a race that reflects the work that people have done day in and day out. It is a race for people who have put in the time to be successful as a runner. In the running community, to be able to say you are a Boston Qualifier and have run the race means a lot. It's something that many people have tried to accomplish, but many have missed, including myself.

I have attempted at least two times to qualify for the Boston Marathon - I didn't succeed either time. I missed it by 34 minutes the first time; and by 18 minutes the 2nd time. I gave up trying to qualify. Looking back, I realize there were many components of my training that were missing or out of balance. My nutrition was awful, I didn't rest enough, I was isolated from my family, and I was obsessed with training rather than letting it be a natural, positive part of my life.

I also seemed to think back then in my insecure, screwed up mind that qualifying for Boston would make me "successful" as a runner, or give me a sense of purpose, recognition, etc. I believe that I was distracting myself from the harsh reality of the inner, sinful life I was living. As Jim Rohn said, "Success is not something you chase; it's something you attract." I was not in this mindset. I was "chasing" success quite desperately, and it eluded me often. I constantly felt inadequate and missed the mark, though my efforts were intense.

As a "near 40"  year old, I am having to learn and re-learn a life philosophy that is much harder than it would have been as a 20 something year old; at least that's how it seems. I am not saying this for pity; it's more of a revelation, a warning, a sobering truth and reminder. I screwed up my life pretty badly, but it didn't just happen. It started years and years ago. I was so stubborn, insecure, and prideful that I wouldn't even allow myself to be "teachable" or open to much change. I ran from the parts of me that felt inadequate. I was definitely an "imposter;" it cost me and my family dearly.

Despite all of my years of self-hatred, selfishness, sin, lies, and failing to allow God to have His way in me fully, He still speaks to me, guides me, and works in and through me. He is still drawing me to Himself and revealing His truth and promises to me. Though the journey is slower than I prefer these days, I am hopeful that He is leading me toward something better; not just for my sake. It's bigger than me, so I am excited to see what all He wants to do.

I struggle to focus just on "today." I have stresses in my mind about bills to pay, reduced income, provision for my family, staying accountable for the long-haul, etc. However, as I said in an earlier post, "Living (or working) to pay bills is not living." I realize His purpose and will for my life is more than that. Easter week opened my eyes to the purpose we all have as believers/Christ followers. We have the gospel message that the lost and dying world needs to hear and see lived out.

As a believer, I have to daily be reminded of His truth, love, promises, etc, so I don't lose heart or hope. Imagine people who aren't friends with godly people, who aren't reading God's truth regularly, who haven't experienced His goodness and life change - what are they doing to make it in life? Where is their hope? Apart from Christ, they don't have much hope. Money, fame, success, people, etc. can't provide true hope and security because all of those things can be taken away.

I realized this past week that I need to do two things more consistently and regularly:
1) Keep growing as a Christ follower daily. I want to live in the fullness of who I am in Him and know Christ more personally, more clearly, and trust Him more each day. I don't want to let the circumstances and struggles of life have more weight and power than Christ's power. Surely the creator and sustainer of the world can help me make it through each day. I am "victorious" in Him. I want to live (and think) like it.

2) Share the good news, even if I don't feel like I "measure up" that day. It's not about my performance as a believer. The message is the same and hasn't changed. I don't want to base how much I share or who I share with on my emotions or how I feel about myself that day. I want to be honest, genuine, joyful and sincere and be open to sharing with people I encounter. I want to have a heart that cares enough to share with them - even if they aren't yet ready to receive it.  

I am blessed. I am grateful. I am not quitting the process of maturity and "thriving." I can't do it alone. "God is good - all the time. All the time - God is good."

Struggles and God's Purpose

"What could we be blind to that might lead God to try and make a breakthrough in our lives? In Jeremiah 22:21 we read: 

"I spoke to you in your prosperity. But you said, 'I will not listen!' This has been your practice from your youth, that you have not obeyed My voice." 

Could this be true of us? 

Some of life's most sacred truths can be learned only as we walk through our individual storms in life. We all have them. Yet all we ever seem to want is relief and comfort. We demand instant solutions, but what we fail to recognize is that although God can solve all of our problems, instant solutions are not important to Him. What is important to Him is how we respond to our struggles."
Richard E. Simmons, III, The True Measure of a Man
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I am holding on to the fact that God is working on me and is up to something, for a bigger purpose than I know or realize. Will I persevere, trust, delight in Him, be obedient, and let Him do all He wants to do in and through me? I hope so. Lord willing, I will become stronger, more humble, more grateful, and more mature in Him through all of these struggles, most of which I caused myself. He is gracious to even let me work through them to something greater. What a mighty God we serve. It is truly a GOOD FRIDAY.
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1 Peter 2:24, New American Standard Bible (NASB)

²⁴ and He Himself ^[a]bore our sins in His body on the ^[b]cross, so that we might die to ^[c]sin and live to righteousness; for by His ^[d]wounds you were healed.

Purpose, Passion, Joy

"If you think about it, most of the great accomplishments in life are the result of people willing to step out of their comfort zones into the unknown, knowing that failure is a possibility." 
Richard E. Simmons, The True Measure of a Man.

There are many new "adventures" I am taking on that are stretching me and pushing me out of my "30+ year comfort zone." It's tempting to let fear keep me stuck and "crippled." I don't want to do that. I want to push through the fear and resistance and walk through it, even if failure could or may happen.

Failure can be a great teacher. I don't wish to fail, especially in sinful ways. However, I don't want to be disobedient to the Lord for fear of failure, or a lack of trust in what's known to Him but unknown to me. And when I fail, I want to get up, learn from  it, and keep pressing on, trusting He will lead me.

My prayer  life has needed to get back to thinking about God's calling and purpose in my life. I believe it's why I have been in such a funk lately. I lost sight of what's most important. I don't want to just get by. I want to live with purpose, passion, joy, and service to others. Otherwise, if I drift through life with no clear sense of purpose and meaning, then madness will quickly follow; along with other unhealthy/harmful thoughts and behaviors.

The reality is, I get to walk through this life with Jesus, "friend of sinners." He is with me everywhere I go. I get to fellowship with Him and His Father through the Holy Spirit. That's incredible! Life has huge significance when I think about this reality and truth. Others need to hear and see this message of hope lived out in me. It's not something I need to keep a secret. I want to live a life that reflects this truth, so others will see and want to know more about Him. If that's not a sense of purpose and meaning all believers have, then we are missing the boat. Lord, forgive me for losing sight of this hugely important responsibility and privilege.
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^{Philippians's 4:8-9 (NASB)}

⁸ Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is ^[e]lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, ^[f]dwell on these things. ⁹ The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

More to Life Than Paying Bills

I have had moments when my thinking gets off track. I forget my "purpose" and calling and instead focus on my fears, struggles, circumstances, etc. Since I cost my family a lot of pain and struggles, both emotionally and financially, I get bogged down at times feeling like a bad provider, weak leader, etc. This is not who I am in Christ or a place I want to stay long. I quickly ask God for wisdom on it and then to remove these thoughts and replace them with His thoughts and truth.

Digging out of a deep hole isn't easy. I don't always attack the problem with enough persistence, though. Instead, I may get overwhelmed and stuck in a rut. It seems lately I have had to work harder to get through such "stinkin thinkin." I realized this morning that I have been focusing too much on "paying bills" rather than serving, loving, leading, and living beyond myself as a difference maker in the lives of people. Not cool.

The thought came to my mind that Jim Rohn talked about in some of his talks: Living (or working) to pay bills is not living. It's death really. Jesus has called me to a much higher purpose. How dishonoring to Him to narrow down life to paying bills and getting by. I want to sprint across the "Heavenly finish line," not limp the whole journey.

Serving and giving are two things God often uses to get us out of selfish thinking and living. I haven't been doing enough of these two things lately. I had to repent this morning and realign my mind with Jesus' calling and higher purpose for my life.

It's frustrating that I let myself get in such a rut. Thankfully, the Lord is patient and continually leading me through this journey. I also have a growing list of men in my life I can (and do) call often. I want to be all that God desires for me, not for my sake, but for His name sake. He wants it more for me than I often want for myself! Isn't He good?!
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John 10:10 (NASB)

The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. 

2 Important Questions

The book, The True Measure of a Man, asked these two questions in chapter 3:

How do I want to be remembered?

What do I want my life to have been about once it is over?

These put things in perspective for me. I want to be remembered for a lot of things that are good, though in many ways, I still have behind me a lot of not so positive things. Thankfully I still have the opportunity to write new chapters in my story, chapters that are more honoring to God and help others. 

I don't know how much time I have on this earth, but I hope to allow God to shine through me. I want to be a "difference maker," and quietly help people (especially my family) find hope, purpose, and experience all God has in store for them. To do so, I need to have hope, purpose and pursue Christ daily, and allow Him to transform my heart and mind. 

Adultery is a terrible sin that causes intense pain and suffering. I wish I could rewind my life and undo the path I took. I can't, but now I thankfully can let God use it for good. We hear nearly every week about another couple facing adultery. It's heart breaking. Therefore, if Amy and I can help others find hope and direction, then we want to do our best to speak into them. 

If I die and people miss seeing what God did in and through me, then I will have not done all that I hoped to do. I want to be missed by my loved ones and friends, no doubt. However, the reunion in heaven is what will make it all worthwhile. 

Truth Versus Feelings

If I were not reading something daily to keep me grounded in the truth of Christ and His promises, then I would not be able to work through this "season" of emotional and spiritual "roller coasters" very well. I am prone to drift toward isolation and withdrawal, and negativity, if I don't stay in touch with my "brothers" in Christ, Amy, and Christ Jesus. I know there is nothing good about isolation, withdrawal, self-pity, shame, etc. Therefore, I want to keep wrestling with God about these struggles, and live with joy and victory, no matter what my fears and doubts say to me.

I read this morning these great reminders from my Christian Leadership Concepts study:

We will all face disappointments and tough situations (2 Corinthians 2:12-13). Our life is based on truth, not circumstances, feelings or what others think. We can be confident that:

• God will always lead us if we put our confidence in Him.
• Our life is "in Christ," the eternal sovereign God, who is powerful, loving, and in control of the world and us. 
• He will make our lives victorious as we trust Him, by growing the fruit of the Spirit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

We must choose to be proactive in our walk by obeying His Word.

• In prayer, express thanks for His faithfulness, His working in the situation.
• CHOOSE to look to Him and not focus on the circumstances. 
• CHOOSE not to deny your feelings. 
• CHOOSE to share with your good friend how you are feeling, etc.

We must trust God to work things out according to His pleasure and plan.

We must ask the Holy Spirit to guide us, fill us, grow the fruit in us that we need, and give us the strength to deal with whatever results He allows.

Give thanks that He is in control.

God spoke to me this morning through this day's study, as He does so often. I still get frustrated with myself for having such a "short memory" or magnifying my fears and shrinking His power and goodness.

I have been dealing with various issues for several weeks now that my men's study is addressing head on. Instead of having a "pity party," I want to celebrate who He is and delight in Him. Instead of worrying about how to "fix the situation," I want to rest in His control and follow His leading. Instead of doubt and fear, I want faith, confidence and courage. Instead of stress, I want peace and joy. Instead of feeling inadequate, I want to feel victorious and alive in Him. Instead of isolation and withdrawal, I want to be transparent, open, confess freely, and allow others to walk with me. Instead of confusion and uncertainty, I want gratitude, thanks, and praise for God's sufficient, amazing grace, in all things.

God is doing something in me that I am grateful for. I don't fully know His plan or time table, but the fact that He is still with me, speaking to me, guiding me, sustaining me, and leading me is amazing. I sure haven't "earned it." He is gracious to give it. I want to be teachable, humble, grateful and have the courage to stay in the process of spiritual and personal maturity, no matter how long it takes. It's not a solo project, so that's why my marriage, accountability groups, friendships, and walk with Christ is so important.

"I believe. Help my unbelief."
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"A victorious life comes in spite of your circumstances. It begins now, if Jesus dwells in your heart." Hal Hadden, CLC.
 

2 Corinthians 2:14-16 (NASB)

But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place. For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing; to the one an aroma from death to death, to the other an aroma from life to life. 

Adversity

I received this great article I wanted to pass on to you. 

Embrace Adversity for Achievement
by Chris Widener

“Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I'll show you someone who has overcome adversity.” – Lou Holtz


Success in life depends upon being strong people with clear goals and indomitable spirits. Unfortunately, most of us aren't born that way. We grow that way. And that growth can either come from us entering willfully into situations that will cause us to grow, or from the way we react when circumstances come upon us without our consent. The latter is what we call adversity.

Most of us spend our lives trying to avoid adversity, and I guess that is just as well. We shouldn't pursue adversity, but when she arrives, we should welcome her as a foe who, through our interaction with her, will make us into better people. Every contact we have with adversity gives us again the opportunity to grow personally and professionally and to forge our character into one that will achieve much later on.

With that in mind, here are some thoughts on adversity, and how it can help you to succeed in every area of your life and achieve your dreams. 

Adversity brings out our resources. Horace said "Adversity reveals genius; prosperity conceals it." When everything is going well, we coast. There isn't a lot of stress, and we don't have to draw too much on the resources that reside within us. But when adversity comes we begin to draw upon each and every resource that we have in order to conquer the circumstances at hand. Adversity then, keeps us sharp. It keeps us using our personal muscle, if you will. That is a good thing because we grow through the use of our resources. 

Adversity brings us together with others. Sure a team can have their problems with each other, but when they step on the court, when they experience the adversity of facing another obstacle, they pull together. One for all and all for one, as they say. The next time you experience adversity of some kind, keep your eyes open for how it can bring you together with your family, your co-workers or your team. Then when you are through it, you will find a bond that was created that wasn't there before. 

Adversity makes us better people with stronger characters. Never underestimate the power of adversity to shape us inwardly. How will courage, discipline and perseverance ever flourish if we are never tested? After adversity, we come out stronger people and able then to use our character and influence in an even greater way to lead those around us and to improve their lives as well as our own. 

Adversity makes life interesting. John Amatt said, "Without adversity, without change, life is boring." How true. Have you noticed that while we are in the middle of adversity we only long to get out of it, but we then spend a lifetime recounting it to anyone who will listen? This is because it spices life up a little. Imagine how boring life would be if everything always went well, when there was never a mountain to be climbed.
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Question: If you are in the middle of some adversity right now, what resources are you drawing on? Who are you drawing closer to and working with? What part of your character is being tested, and built up? What can you do to view this adversity as one who will be better for it on the other side?
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Remember the words of Napoleon Hill: "Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit." Believe it–it is true!

Looking for a way to reinvigorate your career or searching for the courage to begin a new one? The Angel Inside is a must-read if you want to find true meaning in your life and work.

Circumstantial Self-Worth

I am reading the book The True Measure of a Man by Richard E. Simmons, III. It is good stuff, and I recommend that men definitely read it. It is a book for men and will help us men see that we are not alone in our struggles, whether we realize what all we are struggling with or not. Powerful stuff. It is speaking right into the heart of what I have wrestled with for most of my life, even still to this day.

Here is an exert from the book in chapter 3 that talks about our identity as a man and the struggles we face:

Men so often define themselves by what they do, who they know, or what they own. And when they do so, they unwittingly set themselves up for great confusion and failure in their personal lives, particularly when a major economic storm arises...When all is going well and life is flourishing, men generally feel good about themselves and their identities are secure. However, when economic hardship threatens their lives and their futures, life begins to unravel...Our culture has an obsession with performance giving us affirmation as men. In the midst of challenging times, we all have, to some degree or other, allowed ourselves to be seduced into a fog of mixed emotions.

Here is the question that I have to ask myself and take a hard look within my heart and soul to answer honestly, even if it is contrary to what God has told me about who I am as His child:

Does our self-worth go up and down with the market or our paychecks?

If things are going well for you and typically always have, then you may quickly answer no to this question. However, when things start to turn south or you sense struggles and hardship coming, then you may start to discover that you don't feel quite as secure in who you are or in Christ as you once thought.

This has been my issue for years, especially over the past couple of weeks, months, and maybe even longer. When I lost 60 to 80% of my income, it woke me up. I put my family at huge risk by my sin and betrayal. I am the one who cost my family to face hardships, long before I was found out. Now that I am seeking to be fully restored, I realize that I still have trouble not basing my worth and value on my paycheck (or lack of), my circumstances, and my financial situation.

This is a hard pill to swallow and admit. I hate feeling down when money is tight and up when things are better. I want to walk in the joy and freedom of who I am in Christ, not in money, financial security, etc. Though I believe that getting to a better place financially is a must and need, at the end of the day, I don't want that to determine my mood, worth, value, and peace. Only Christ can fully satisfy my soul and give me a peace that passes all understanding. No amount of money can do that. It may help keep the shame and fears at bay for a little while, but deep down the issues are still there.

This book is stirring up strong emotions for me, but it is giving me hope. It is reassuring to know that I am not alone and that other men understand my struggle. It is also reassuring that God is my refuge and strength. I am secure in Him, even if I get "spiritual amnesia" and forget for a while. I am thankful that God sees fit to keep pruning me of my false securities. I want to walk in His joy and freedom, even if my circumstances don't change a whole lot for now.

What a journey of letting go and allowing God to have His way in me. It is scary, amazing, challenging, humbling, and incredible all at the same time. As someone has said, "There is no high like walking with Jesus Christ."
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Philippians 4:11-13, New American Standard Bible (NASB)

¹¹ Not that I speak ^[a]from want, for I have learned to be ^[b]content in whatever circumstances I am. ¹² I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. ¹³ I can do all things ^[c]through Him who strengthens me.

 

Friends

A friend asked me recently, "What do you do to cope when you get into a funk?" What a great question. It's not one guys ask each other enough, but it's very important to be able to answer and be honest about.

In the past, I didn't handle such times of struggle well. Now, I try to do things better, different and more honoring to God. What I strive to do now is...

• Pray more honestly and "without ceasing," trying to connect with Christ, not just ask for a way out. Apart from Christ and His Holy Spirit, I am undone. Doomed. Hopeless. Powerless.
• Journal and write a lot
• Read great books, scripture and other things that remind me of God's truth and promises
• Talk to other men. This has been a huge addition to my spiritual walk. I have a long list of guys I can call at any time. They each have their perspective and insights that carry me through. 
• Talk to Amy. I want to open up to her, though I fear triggering her painful memories. We talk through this often, but sometimes not often enough. 
• Set good boundaries. I want to keep healthy boundaries during times of stress, etc. This is very important for sure!
• Keep pressing on. Quitting and giving in to fear and feelings of inadequacy is a dead end street. As the book, The True Measure of a Man quoted, "shame is the leukemia of masculinity." Powerful words.

This journey of survival, recovery, and "thriving," is a battle daily to overcome pain, fear, regret, and doubt. God is continually showing us that He is right here with us. It's a huge blessing to experience God the Father in a real, and personal way. It keeps us going. God is good.

Unbelief...Again

Last week was a very draining, emotional and overwhelming week. The weight of my need to provide for my family yet feeling like a failure triggered all sorts of shame, fear, anxiety, and insecurity. Doubts and fears crept in, and I was disappointed in myself for not resting in God's faithfulness and promises. I took my eyes off Him, once again, and allowed the struggle to consume me.

It was no accident that the lesson topic in our men's Sunday morning Bible study class this past Sunday was "The LORD Will Provide." It was the story of Abraham and God's call to sacrifice, Issac, his son of promise. Abraham obeyed and God stopped him from sacrificing Issac. Abraham was obedient and passed the test of faith. He did not waiver in unbelief (at least not in this particular incident), yet remained confident that his God would provide, even if it didn't make sense or seem rational. He had his struggles, but he also had great faith in his God.

Do I believe the LORD will provide? Yes. Are there days I waiver in unbelief? Yes. Some days the numbers don't add up. Some days I feel stuck in the "in between" space of where God has brought me and where He is taking me. Some days I wonder if I will ever experience spiritual freedom to the fullest, at least as much as possible this side of Heaven.

When I get stuck in the way of thinking, I remind myself that it has only been 2.5 years since the "fall out." I also have to remember the long list of ways God has answered prayers and sustained us from day one. He has been faithful and good, and has never forsaken me. I tend to forget daily and need to go back to my source of "spiritual nourishment." My fellowship with Christ and abiding in Him is my longing and need. It is a must if I am going to walk in His freedom and grace and truth and "thrive," regardless of the struggles.  

Romans 8:6 (NASB) is a great reminder of what happens when my focus is in the wrong place - ''For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace." 

Flesh focus = death (fear, worry, doubt, shame, insecurity, anxiety, pride, arrogance, disobedience, etc); Spirit focus = life and peace. Because of Christ, I have the option. Will I focus from my flesh or from His spirit?

I am glad that Christ is so patient, loving, gracious and willing to walk with me through the ups and downs of my shaky faith. His grace is sufficient. He knows what I need. He is a good Father. Yet, I doubt, fear, and panic. Seems ridiculous, but as the saying goes, "I am a work in progress." If I could figure it out on my own, then I wouldn't need Jesus. :) Thank you, Lord, that Your "...mercies are new every morning..."
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Galatians 2:20

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 

"Never Hear These Three Dangerous Words Again..."

Adultery recovery and "thriving" is about ownership, accountability, heart change, and a whole lot more. It's not about minimizing, blame, defensiveness, refusal to change, etc. John Miller of QBQ talks about accountability weekly through his blog, books, etc. Below is a recent blog post of his that can also apply to adultery recovery, prevention, survival, and thriving. I hope it is a good reminder to you like it was to me.

Never Hear These 3 Dangerous Words Again …

Posted by John G. Miller

Like little boys everywhere, our 4-year-old grandson, Joshua, can be loud. When my wife, Karen—aka “Grandma Nonnie”—was driving our van recently with Josh and his toddler sister, “Becca Boo,” sitting behind her in their carseats, she asked Josh to lower his voice. Josh complied. But then he turned to his sister (co-conspirator?) and whispered …

“Some people have bad days.”
The total disowning of a problem (“Not my problem!”) is normal for a human at age four. Even cute.
It’s not so cute—and shouldn’t be normal—in a 40-year-old professional representing a supplier of products and services to the marketplace.
I was venting my frustration to a department manager of a hospital because I was “displeased” with their patient admitting process. As our call wound down, he said this:

“Well, Mr. Miller, though I wasn’t involved in this situation and am not responsible for what happened, I’m sorry.”

Now, if you know the QBQ! message of personal accountability and/or have received our QuickNote emails for a while, you’re wondering, Uh oh, John, what did you say back to this guy!?!
Nothing. I just smiled and thought, Hmm, now that’s a blog story.
Anyway, who knows why he went out of his way to completely disown the problem. It might’ve been the fear of being sued or getting in trouble with his boss. Maybe he wasn’t parented “in a QBQ way.” Or possibly, his organizational culture is simply one of people not owning problems.
We’ll never know.
At QBQ, Inc., we employ a four step process of accountability we call OWN IT! that enables us to take on a problem as our own to solve. You can use it in your organization to eliminate those three dangerous words: NOT MY PROBLEM!
Steps accountable people take to OWN IT!—

1. Claim the Problem 

Until I own a problem as mine, I will never solve it. It’s here we prevent the all-too-common, “Not my job” and “Not my department” attitude from ruling us. Like a small child clutching a toy, just think, It’s mine!

CLAIM a problem today.

2. Connect with the problem 

When I understand why it’s an important problem to solve, I can achieve a level of emotional investment. This entails understanding the consequences to my customer and my organization of not solving the problem.

When we CONNECT, we care. It’s good to care.

3. Commit to the problem 

When I resolve to solve the problem, dangerous thoughts like, It’s too difficult! and There are too many roadblocks! can be conquered. In our complex, complicated, and ever-changing organizations, it’s pretty easy to not see the problem-solving process through to the point of resolution.

“Sticktuitiveness” comes from COMMITMENT.

4. Correct the problem 

It’s here we finish the job. It’s when we arrive at a resolution/solution that’s meets the needs of our customer, be they inside or outside the organization.

CORRECTION of the problem is always the goal. Otherwise, why own it?!

CORRECTION of the problem is always the goal. OWN IT!

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As we say in Outstanding!, in less-than-stellar organizations problems get passed up and down the line. But in outstanding organizations, individuals practice personal accountability for solving problems.
So, eliminate the words NOT MY PROBLEM! from your organization today … and be outstanding!

Discussion Questions:

In your organization, are problems “passed on” or tackled by individuals?

How would the OWN IT! process of CLAIM/CONNECT/COMMIT/CORRECT help your organization?

What problem do you need to own right now?

If you’re not a subscriber to this QBQ! blog, sign up here FREE!

 

"My response is my responsibility." Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect.

Isn't this statement so true? How much better my relationships are when I embrace this truth and apply it in my life: as a husband, father, friend, enemy, and toward everyone in between.

It's tempting to say (or think), "My response is your responsibility." When I do this, I give away my responsibility and take on a victim, blame-oriented mindset. I also contradict what God has equipped and commanded me to do.
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James 1:19, 26, HCSB, Hearing and Doing the Word

¹⁹ My dearly loved brothers, understand this: Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, ²⁰ for man’s anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.²⁶ If anyone^[j] thinks he is religious without controlling his tongue, then his religion is useless and he deceives himself.

Confidence and Humility

Balancing humility and confidence can be tricky, especially as Christ-followers. Psalm 8 is one of many places in the Bible that talks about our worth and value in the sight of God. We are created in His image according to Genesis. He loves us and has redeemed us through His Son. He didn't do that because He despised us; He sees our worth as His creation.

At the same time, we need to remember that we were "dead in our sins" and doomed. We were enemies of the cross and despised God. He said, "Enough!" and came to make things right; to clear everything up - because of His love for us. We can't take the credit for what Jesus did. He is our hope and confidence. To take the credit for what He has done would be blasphemous and spiritual plagiarism.

Reading the book by A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God, really made sense of this balance; from a Christian perspective. Tozer has some amazing words he shares in his book that was written in the 1960's. He was very wise and passionate about knowing Christ and teaching others about Him. The book is a "must read" for your journey to know Christ deeper and more personally.

I also read an article (see below) from Robert Kiyosaki about developing Confidence while practicing humility. It's a good section from his article. We all need to spend prayer time asking God for wisdom on this delicate balance of humility and confidence. It sure beats shame and arrogance. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free...do not be burdened again by a yoke of slavery!" Galatians 5:1.
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Develop Your Confidence While Practicing Humility
by Robert Kiyosaki

Confidence is one of the single biggest contributing factors to your success. Arrogance— on the other hand—can be the greatest stumbling block. Ignoring your limitations, especially when it comes to knowledge, can quickly get you in over your head. So how do you develop confidence without crossing the line into arrogance? Confidence is nothing more than a memory of past successes and faith in your ability to handle what lies ahead. Arrogance comes into the mix when your memory of past successes becomes colored by time and you start thinking every good thing that has happened is solely because of you and every bad thing was caused by someone else’s incompetence.

The truth is anyone can claim brilliance with the benefit of hindsight. The trick is to understand what you did not know at the time, how you gathered the information, whose expertise you leaned on, and what role good fortune played in the mix. The path to success requires you to leave your comfort zone repeatedly. This is the
only way you will grow. When you leave your comfort zone, you are in uncharted territory for you. However, it is not uncharted for everyone. If you build your network (see above) and humble yourself to use it, you will have a resource that will help instill in you confidence—but not arrogance—to use your knowledge, skills, and abilities to tackle any problem that may lie along your path as you venture outside of your comfort zone
and move towards attaining your goal.

Another excellent way to practice humility is to mentor or share what you know with others. On the surface, this may sound counter-intuitive. You may say, “Don’t I need to be an expert if I am going to teach someone?” While a solid understanding is foundational, sharing what you know with others forces you to examine your knowledge more objectively. What do you truly know? Do you know why it works or are you just sharing past experiences that happened to turn out successfully?

It is often said that the teacher learns more than the student does. Sharing your knowledge with others will help you identify gaps in your knowledge base and create a list of topics you can work from to further your own education thus helping you know what you do not know and keeping you from crossing over the line from confidence to arrogance.

Blank Spaces

I have had periods of time in my work history that included "unemployment," due to either being fired or changing jobs/careers.When I applied to new jobs, there were periods of time on my resume that looked like "blank spaces," due to limited or no employment. Long "blank spaces" of time are a red flag to employers. They require explanation for sure.

In my life, I have time periods of time that I am tempted to leave as "blank spaces," due to the shame and regret attached to them. However, God has seen fit to use them and teach me huge lessons about Himself, His grace, redemption, confession, forgiveness, spiritual discipline, and so much more. Those "blank spaces" have been written as chapters in my life that I need to share and embrace, no matter how painful. God is the hero of my story, so those chapters don't end with death and sorrow. They are followed by new chapters of what He can do when I submit to Him and allow Him to do "immeasurably more than we think or imagine."

Over the weekend, a pastor friend of mine here locally was called to serve at the church where I resigned back in August 2011. For some reason, it stirred up all sorts of emotions in me. It's a reminder that adultery survival, recovery and thriving requires me to KEEP walking through it and face it, sometimes daily. Each stage of the journey has different components and emotions, but it's something that doesn't just go away.

I really like this pastor and know he will be great for the church. I also am excited for the staff who will get to serve with him. I believe it is a great move, though he will be missed around here. I have enjoyed talking to him over the past year and a half. He is one of the many people God has put in my life that have blessed me beyond what I ever imagined or deserve.

Yesterday, I felt God leading me to call my friend who is still serving faithfully at the church where I resigned from. I have a deep love for him and his family. I called him and was glad to get to talk to him. There were moments in the conversation that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to talk due to the emotions that stirred in me. He has shown me unconditional love and grace and encouragement in ways I can't comprehend. I know I hurt him deeply, but God has enabled us to keep our friendship in tact. I am thankful for sure.

It's these moments that flood me with both regret (because of my sin) and overflowing gratitude and awe. God continues to show up and amaze me with His grace, love, and provision. God is good, even when I am not.  I am amazed by Him. I pray I continue to have the courage to let Him walk me through whatever situation I face. I need to be reminded DAILY that He is with me and is for me. And guess what, He shows up and is gracious and willing to remind me; sometimes in big ways; other times in subtle ways.

If there are days when I don't feel His presence and experience doubt, then all I have to do is be reminded of His faithfulness in the past. He has answered so many prayers that I don't have to think too hard to remember when He came through for us. All I have to do is read the Bible and see the countless reminders of His promises. All I have to do is stop seeing my circumstances as bigger than Him. I have to trust His heart. I believe, Lord, help my unbelief!!