Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Emotional Man

I am an emotional man. I am not ashamed to admit that (well, maybe slightly). Tonight as a I watched a 20 minute video of a couple share their redemption story, I cried. I prefer to say, "My allergies are acting up." Or, "I am tearing up." But, that would be a lie. I was crying.

Prior to my adultery exposure, I was emotional in many ways, mostly not good ones: irritable, defensive, angry to name a few. I also had deep shame and self-hatred. I never felt good enough. I felt like a hypocrite, an imposter, and I was highly insecure.

Despite the fact that I had a beautiful, loving wife (and still do, PTL!), amazing children, a loving, gracious God and many, many blessings, I carried around a dark cloud of inner shame. Amy tried so hard for years to bust through my walls and help me see myself like she did, and how God did. There were moments I let it sink it, but not for long.

Sadly, I took that shame and deep insecurity and instead of letting God do His work in me, I turned to adultery. I did shameful, hurtful, ugly, sinful things and only compounded the shame and self-hatred I felt. What I looked to for comfort, became the thing that nearly destroyed me, my wife, my marriage, my family, and my future.

God let me fall on my face, only to pick me up, brush me off, and start doing His redemptive work in me that only He could do. It blows my mind. It humbles me even more. I may even cry (well I am tearing up as I type) just thinking about it.

God is the hero of my story, our story. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. God is so good...

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