"The worst brother in the world"

I am the youngest of two children. I have an older sister, who I often argued with. I tended to think that I had two moms and was an only child since my sister bossed me around so much. She felt responsible for my well being I suppose. I wasn't that grateful and let her know it often. Sorry, Christy.

I don't deny that I was a pain in the rear to live with - quite often. I remember one time she screamed at me and said, "You are the worst brother in the world!!" I don't remember what I did to invoke such emotion, but I am sure I was being a pest.

Early in my childhood I felt a sense of loneliness and out of place, even in my own family. I don't know why really. My perception was my reality - whether right or wrong. I was athletic and loved soccer and baseball with a passion. I loved my dogs and spent endless hours outdoors playing. Even with all that, I still remember feeling a sadness that I couldn't really explain or communicate.

When I was around the age of 6 or 7, I remember staring into the mirror one day while getting ready for bed. At the time, I had VERY blonde hair. My parents and sister had very DARK brown hair. I got to thinking, "I wonder if I am adopted." It seems I was searching for clues as to why I felt so out of place. I don't think I ever told anyone about those feelings. I kept them inside my head.

From that time all the way through high school, I drifted further and further away from my own family. I spent a lot of time in my room or at other people's houses. I also played a lot of sports that kept me plenty busy. Unfortunately, I had an awful temper, but I still managed to have some really close friends that I enjoyed being around; and who tolerated me. :)

It's strange to look back on those days and and think about how much emotional baggage I carried around for so long, and so inwardly. I expressed the pain I felt in many ways (other than talking), but I imagine it sent mixed messages to those around me. I appeared to be more like an angry, emotionally distant "punk" rather than a lonely child/teenager longing for acceptance and affection....

Lies I let take root left me vulnerable to all sorts of sinful things. It may sound pathetic and like a bunch of excuses for what I did. I accept full responsibility for my sins and betrayal. I know there are people who have had harder, more difficult lives yet didn't act the way I did. Even some unbelievers have made better choices despite their difficulties.

My past is something I can't deny or run from. The best thing I can do is to make sure my present and future don't repeat the past. Resorting to blame, shame, denial, excuses, and weak boundaries won't produce the results I want. With God's help, I will stay accountable, humble, transparent, and rely on His Holy Spirit to lead me and prune me of my sinfulness and shame.