Change My "Want to"

Life change doesn't always happen easily, quickly or because of "want to." A lot of times we make changes due to pain, obligation, and/or because someone told us we "should." Many times, however, change occurs even when we don't seek it out. I wasn't looking to make changes in my eating and nutrition habits, but when Amy presented it to me (after a friend presented it to her), I was willing to try it. Thankfully we did. When it came to home schooling our children, we did not seek it out or ever plan to do it, but when the opportunity presented itself, we ran with it. We are grateful we did.

Change usually comes down to a choice between God's best and what the world has to offer. It shouldn't be a hard choice to make, but at times it is. Unfortunately, I have had to learn the hard way too often. It would be best if I would simply trust God at His word and choose His ways first and foremost. I'm a work in progress.

David Platt, author of Follow Me, said in his book...

As we trust in Christ, he transforms our heart in such a way that we begin to love the things of God that we once hated and we begin to hate the things of this world that we once loved...Instead of trying to conquer sin by working hard to change our actions, we can conquer sin by trusting Christ to change our affections...The passionate pursuit of true, deep and lasting satisfaction always leads to Jesus.

It's not only about behavior modification, trying harder, or simply "doing the right thing." Those are necessary, and boundaries and accountability are a must. However, they are insufficient in and of themselves. True, deep, long lasting change comes through surrender. Our "want to" has to be changed and transformed by Christ.

As Kyle Idleman says in his book, gods at war, the idols in our life don't need to be tamed, they need to be "dethroned," torn down, removed, replaced, and destroyed. Otherwise, it becomes behavior modification, rather than inner heart change. Heart and "affection" changes lead to behavior change. God has to change our hearts to be in line with His. The more we "taste and see that He is good" and that the world's empty promises lead to our death and destruction, the more we move toward surrender to Him and freedom in Him (hopefully).

It took a collapse of everything around me and in me to finally get it. I am grateful that God said, "Enough. No more. I'm going to end this madness and turn Scotty's life upside down and free him up." As Matt Chandler said in a sermon (paraphrase), "The wrath of God would be to leave us in our sin." God's grace pulled me out. How humbling and freeing. I am forever grateful He didn't leave me in the far country. That's an act of His grace, love and mercy.

I have a choice. Choose the empty things of this world OR trust Jesus, and choose Him, His ways, and His best. Do I love Him enough to obey and trust Him, even when things seems difficult, hopeless, or uncertain? I hope so. It's a daily surrendering of my will for His. As He changes my heart and "want to," the things of this world grow dim, and His light shines brighter and brighter.

John 14:23-24 (NIRV)

²³ Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love him. We will come to him and make our home with him. ²⁴ Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. The words you hear me say are not my own. They belong to the Father who sent me."

Proper Perspective of Heaven

I heard a question asked about Heaven that caused me to ponder a bit about my own motives and intentions:

"Is Christ a means to get us to Heaven, or is Heaven a means to get to Christ?"

How you and I answer that question can have a big impact on how we come to faith and how we live in the space between our "conversion" and death.

If I am looking forward to Heaven just for the "streets of gold and no more suffering," then I have missed the main purpose of Heaven. Those are great things, but Jesus didn't die just so we could have those things. He said in John 17:3 that eternal life is "that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." That speaks about relationship and knowing Him and He us.

That's the point of Heaven - we won't have to suffer anymore and nothing will hinder our worship of Him. We will finally be free from all the junk that keeps us from seeing Him as He really is. Then, we will worship forever and ever with Him, unhindered by sin and suffering.

David Platt talks about this in his book Follow Me. As believers, Jesus is the only one who can satisfy our souls. It's about a love relationship - two ways - him to me and me to him:

Being a disciple involves emotional affection for Christ...To come to Jesus is to taste and see that he is good and to find in him the end of all your desires. To believe in Jesus is to experience an eternal pleasure that far outweighs and outlasts the temporal pleasures of this world...Followers of Christ are tempted to miss this altogether. We view Jesus as the only one who can save us from our sins, but we forget that he is also the only one who can satisfy our souls. As a result, we put our faith in Jesus and trust in his forgiveness, yet we lack the feeling for Jesus that comes through fulfillment in him...When we truly come to Christ, our thirst is quenched by the fountain of life and our hunger is filled with the bread of heaven.

A love for Jesus on earth, then turns to an eternal love relationship in Heaven. So often we shrink Jesus down to a "means to an end." I know I've done it. I have prayed often for God to tear down any "idols" that keep me from fully loving and worshiping Him, as He wants and deserves.

A friend once told me a story about Heaven that always got me emotionally. It put everything in proper perspective about death, Heaven and Jesus. He told me about a friend of his who died of cancer. It was a long, tough battle, but at the end of her time, he got to sit and talk with her. They talked about all sorts of things, reflecting back on life, etc. Before he left from his visit that day, he told her, "When you get to Heaven, tell Jesus hello for me."

Not long after that she passed away. I bet she kept her promise to say hello to Jesus. No more cancer, no more suffering, but a whole lot of worshiping and being with Jesus. Now that's something to look forward to! That's a proper perspective on Heaven no doubt.

1 John 3:1-3 (NASB)

3 See ^[a]how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. ² Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. ³ And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.

Hide or Be Known

Shame tells us to hide. It says, "If you really knew me, then you wouldn't love me." I know. I lived it for so many years. For Amy and I to continually be public with our recovery, our fears, our thoughts, and our lives goes against how we lived for so many years. Probably more so for me.

God works in the light. He tells us to leave the darkness, and run to Him. He says, "There is no fear in love because perfect love cast out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." 1 John 4:18. Evil thrives in darkness. Jesus is light. His truth and way is in the light. Will we hide or be known? What a powerful, and scary, question.

I have been watching the Plan B DVD study. Pete Wilson is a great communicator and story teller. Very genuine and real; transparent. He said a quote in the "Me Too" section of the study that was excellent and so true:

"You can only be loved to the extent you are known."

When we hide, live secret lives, and run from community and being transparent with others, the love we give and receive is hindered. Shame and sin has more power over us when we hide in darkness and fear. Fear, shame and evil says, "Don't tell anyone! You will be rejected, judged, etc." Christ says, "Come into the light. My Light. And you will find life, freedom, healing."

I am so grateful to be more open and living in God's light, rather than darkness. It doesn't always come easy, but we are growing to become more comfortable with it. As God continues to lead us out of darkness and fear, we get to experience His love and other people's love more fully. What a healing experience no doubt, that we hope God will use to heal others as well.

John 8:12 New International Version (NIV)

¹² When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Coyotes and Life Lessons

When I was a child, we lived in the country. We had chickens, rabbits, cows, horses, cats, and dogs. It was part of our world, and I never remember a time without some type of pet or animal around. With so many animals around, we also had a problem with coyotes. They would frequently visit and try to kill our rabbits and chickens. They often succeeded.

I still have vivid memories of my dad going out with a shotgun and running them off late at night. He eventually put up a fence in the back yard to hinder them from getting easy access to the animals. It was a scary deal for me as a child, that eventually led to nightmares.

I remember having a reoccurring nightmare. I would be in my backyard and see a pack of coyotes behind the fence in the woods. For some reason, I was in the middle of the yard between my house and the fence. Their eyes would light up (when it was dark), and then they would all start chasing me. I ran as fast as I could to my back glass porch door; pulled it open frantically, and then shut it just in time. They would then crash into the glass, and I would wake up in a panic. It was not a pleasant nightmare!

When I started deer hunting around the age of 12, those nightmares still hindered my ability to enjoy hunting. It even carried into adulthood. I would be in the woods, walking in the dark, and feel like I was being followed by coyotes. It felt as if I was being stalked. I was a nervous wreck! Even as an adult, I have had to work through these irrational fears. I am way better and don't struggle with it near as much, but it still lingers from time to time. By the end of each deer season, I am ready for a mental break from hunting. It seems nuts, but it has been quite aggravating and hindering.

These types of thoughts are not rational. I have never been attacked by a coyote. I had early traumatic events related to coyotes, but I never had an actual real life event occur. For me, there are other irrational "fears" and "beliefs" that I have had to "take captive unto Christ" and allow God to "transform." Thoughts such as self-hatred, feelings of inadequacy, etc.

My parents never said they hated me or that I wasn't good enough. I don't recall other people saying those words either. However, there were numerous moments where I "perceived" those feelings. I internalized many different experiences as rejection and not being good enough. What felt like a lack of acceptance from people I cared about, soon turned inwardly to self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy. I turned to seeking approval from others and in my performance as an athlete. Neither produced freedom from these feelings; they actually led to my downfall.

We recently heard a guy speak at the Advocare Success School, named Erik Wahl. He is a very successful painter/artist and speaker now, but he said when he was age 10, a teacher told him he wasn't very good at painting. That one statement took him 20 years to get over. He put down his paintbrushes for 20 years, and finally had the courage to paint again after his therapist encouraged him to do so as part of his healing from a loss of his career/job.

Isn't it amazing how words can speak life or death? One statement may motivate someone to press on and work harder, while another one causes someone else to shut down completely. One person may see it as helpful, while the other sees it as rejection.

For me, coyotes represent fear and anxiety. Disapproval and failure represent feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred. Neither are rational; neither are from God, and neither lead to life and freedom. Every day I have a choice: will I let Christ redeem my thoughts, my emotions and give me the courage to press on DESPITE my irrational fears, or give in to them and go down the road of shame, despair and failure? 

Evidence of my healing since August 2011 is that some things that used to cripple me, now have less effect on me and actually help motivate me to press on. I still need to see results and God's activity in and around me or I become vulnerable to doubt, but in general I try to stay steady and trust God's "daily bread."

One statement that kept me in the fight to get healing and save my marriage was said by Amy. She told me the first week or two after I dropped a bomb on her, "I don't know if you are man enough to do what it takes to get healing and make this right." She's likely to feel embarrassed that I am telling this story, but it has meant a lot to me. I wanted so desperately to do unlike ever before - to be man enough THROUGH CHRIST and turn things around. No more self-hatred. No more secrecy. No more lying and cheating. Just full submission to Christ and allowing Him to transform me from the inside-out.

God is my greatest hero. Amy is my second hero. Her faith and courage are inspiring. I am grateful to still be her husband and the father to my children. God is good.  

Leaderless Man

One thing I have noticed this past year while counseling others is that there are tons of men who are not leading their family. I probably see it more clearly at this point in my life because I am a "recovering leaderless man." I failed to lead my wife and family for the first 14 years. The past two have involved me learning how to do that. I have a ways to go.

I see it week after week. A husband and/or wife come in. He thinks she is controlling and disrespectful. He works all of the time and provides for their wants and needs, and can't figure out why she and the kids aren't happy. She says he is never home and has felt like a "single mom" for most of their marriage. He gets defensive and says he can't please her. She feels unloved and uncared for. Things are tense, loneliness is high, and hope for a better marriage is fading, or in some cases gone.

This is not the "exact" story, but it's common. The man thinks to lead means to provide financial support without much emotional involvement. He doesn't like to be reminded of his lack of care and emotional involvement with her or the kids. She reacts by taking charge since she felt she "had to." She criticizes him, hoping he will "wake up" and lead and get the hint that she needs him. He doesn't get the message and thinks she despises him. He gets praise and respect at work so that's where he spends the majority of his time. She gets her identity from raising the kids. They live separate lives under the same roof. Like roommates, and many days not even as good roommates.

What's crazy is that in some ways that was "our" story. Amy and I lived as "roommates" for many years. I was so angry, defensive, insecure, overly busy, and emotionally distant. She tried hard to reach me, but I was too hypersensitive and eventually was living in deep sin.

Now that all that has changed, I have become really burdened by the needs of couples, particularly men. We men want to lead but in many ways feel ill-equipped to do so. Or, we have a faulty view of leadership. We swing from two extremes - passivity/absent to overbearing/dictator. Neither are Biblical or helpful. Working all of the time "just to provide" doesn't work. It creates a relational disconnect that leaves the family longing for love, and not just material stuff. The flip side of "demanding respect" because "I am a man" isn't helpful either. That pushes people away and fails to connect with them emotionally or spiritually.

I have been on a search to find out how to lead as a man, particularly a Christian man. I have observed many different men in my life, including my own dad. I have seen characteristics in some that I want to follow, while others reflect how "not" to lead. As a follower of Christ, Jesus is the only real and accurate example to learn from. He demonstrated perfectly what it means to be a man and leader. He's the best example AND He is the one by His Holy Spirit who equips me to do so. Two for one special!

Here are some characteristics I see in Jesus that I need to ask honestly "Are these characteristics in my life, in my mind, in my heart, and my actions? Am I the kind of man I want my sons to become? Am I the kind of man I want my daughter to marry someday? Am I this kind of husband and father?"

As a man, Jesus was (and is)...

• A Servant
• Humble
• Submissive to His Father
• Led by the Holy Spirit
• Clear about who He was
• Clear about His purpose
• Skilled/Gifted
• Kind/Caring
• Relational
• A gifted teacher
• Bold/Brave
• Strong
• Wise
• Loved children
• Willing to go against the cultural norms
• A common man
• Caring/Loving
• Accepting
• Confrontive
• Active
• A mentor
• A leader
• Prayerful
• Obedient (even to the point of death and suffering)
• Faithful
• Forgiving
• Funny (we often miss this aspect of Jesus)
• Influential
• Unselfish

These are just a few of the many characteristics of Jesus. He's not just a great "example" to follow. He calls us to die to ourselves and find life in Him. He is the One who is life and fills us up so we may have life and live as He calls us. You and I on our own CAN'T. That's why many of us men struggle to lead. We hate to surrender and say we can't do something or can't fix something. 

The gospel is you can't fix yourself or others. Christ did that for you and calls you to submit/surrender to Him and let Him be the hero in your life. To me, that's very freeing. I have fallen flat on my face and I KNOW I CAN'T. I have screwed up enough to know that I want Jesus to work in me and through me. My ways stink. His ways are best. 

For me to lead my family requires me to first seek and submit to Christ. As I seek Him and do "only what I see Him" doing, then I am able to fully and freely lead my wife and children: Humbly, boldly, consistently, lovingly, as a servant, courageously, and faithfully. As I mature as a Christ follower, then my leadership is a reflection of that. I will not do it perfectly, but as I am honest with myself, others, and with God, then I am able to let Him do His work in me and "sanctify" me. As long as it takes, whatever it takes. 

I admit it isn't an easy or always a fun process, but it's the best thing I can do. I am honored and humbled that God even gives me His time and wants a relationship with me. Especially after all I have done to spit in His face and turn my back on Him. He's truly amazing and good. 

1 Corinthians 16:13 (NASB)

¹³ Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.

Sustaining Grace (Amy's Video Testimony)

Amy's "Sustaining Grace" Video testimony played at church last Sunday. See the link below. It is the entire service and sermon on the link. The sermon was very well done by Whit, but if you just want to watch her testimony, go to 37 minutes and 15 seconds into the streaming. I am very proud of her for trusting God and letting Him speak through her.

Amy's Video Testimony - God's Sustaining Grace
http://connect.hillcrestministries.com/?page_id=37
Click on Grace, Sunday, September 22, 2013, Series: Grace, Week 3


 

Daily Bread

Over the past two years, I have had to do a lot of personal growth work and let God prune me of so much junk, fears, struggles, etc. Lately, my pruning has involved learning how to trust God one day at a time. I am learning how to give up trying to make things happen and surrender control to Him. I don't like the unknown and want so badly to be a good provider for my family. However, He is much better at it than I am. I am slowly letting go. Notice I said "slowly."

Starting over in my career hasn't come easy, though I did it to myself and my family. I have experienced God's grace in so many ways, but I keep having to ask for His forgiveness each time I get fearful or impatient with the process; His process. For two weeks, I have felt God speak to my heart and mind two simple words, "daily bread." When I get overwhelmed, I hear Him say, "Daily bread." When the income doesn't match our expenses, "Daily bread." When our situation seems overwhelming and too much to bear, "Daily bread."

It's what God provided for the Israelites when in the desert and gave them manna, just enough for each day. Jesus said it when He taught the disciples how to pray, "Give us this day our daily bread." There are numerous other Bible verses that talk about "today" and trusting His provision today. Seems pretty important if God continually repeated it throughout scripture.

Those two words "daily bread" have carried me through the past two weeks. I have been on an emotional roller coaster no doubt. When I start trying to "figure out" all of the logistics of my career, financial stability, kid's stuff, marriage growth and recovery, and everything else in our "world," I get bogged down with fear, anxiousness, frustration and despair. However, when I think, "daily bread," and how can I trust Him today and be faithful/obedient today, then those struggles seem to ease up. My circumstances don't change a whole lot, but my perspective does.

Today is a gift. I want to treat it that way and trust Him fully - today. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, so I will have to remind myself again in the morning, "daily bread." What I do know is that He's trustworthy and is preparing me for His will and plans. I also know He is with me and longs for me to know Him, to love Him and others, to let Him love me, and that He will never forsake me. Regardless of my emotions, that's a promise He gives to His beloved children.

I want to grow today, so I am prepared for tomorrow's battle, tomorrow's blessings, and tomorrow's circumstances. "Give us this day our daily bread."

 

Amy's Grace Story

Yesterday, really all week, Amy demonstrated tremendous courage, faith, and submission to God's leading. Her "grace story" played Sunday morning at church during the sermon. It was very powerful, and watching her share her story was big to me. Our prayer is that God uses it to give other couples courage to get help and hang on to hope.

God's sustaining grace in her life started long before she was betrayed by me. In our darkest moments, only Christ Jesus is able to sustain us. He knows our suffering, our pain and our desperate need for His faith, His hope, His love, and His grace.

Sharing our story with our church family of 500+ did expose us a bit, but it's not about us really. God is the hero of our story. Only because of His grace and work in our lives do we have a story to tell. I am grateful Amy stayed and has stood with me from day one. I am grateful I stayed and have allowed God to work on me, in and through me. It's a testimony of His power and strength and goodness.

I hope to put her video testimony on a blog post soon to be shared with others. May God bless it and use it to give others hope and the courage necessary to walk through their painful situation(s).

Psalm 40 (NIV)

¹ I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

⁴ Blessed is the one
    who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
    to those who turn aside to false gods.^[b]
5 Many, Lord my God,
    are the wonders you have done,
    the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
    were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
    they would be too many to declare.

Consequences Are an Act of Grace?

It has been a tough week here at our home. Though we are two years into our recovery and have seen amazing acts of God, we still get hit with emotional and spiritual "heaviness." We can get bogged down and distracted by our circumstances. When that happens, we have to pray desperately for God to help us trust Him, and not give in to despair.

In May 2012, I mailed a letter to my licensing board reporting my immoral and unethical behavior as a marriage and family therapist. I didn't want to lose my license, but I was willing to; and expected to quite frankly. I received a letter from them Thursday stating my "charges" and violations. It was tough to read for sure. Seeing my "sins" on paper made it very real and official. Not that it hasn't been prior to now, but having a licensing board meet to discuss it, and then type it up on paper to give to me took it to a higher level.

I have two weeks to decide if I am going to work with them in order to be restored, or give up my license forever. In my mind, the choice is clear: work the process of restoration. I deserve to lose my license and never get to counsel again. They did not tell me I can't. That's an act of grace. Their willingness to work with me is a big deal. I am thankful for it. It won't be easy, but this isn't about easy, or fair. I deserve to be divorced, alone, broke, hopeless, and dead. The wages of sin is "death," but the gift of God is eternal life, mercy, grace, forgiveness. That puts things in perspective.

The realization of my sin is a necessary part of my growth and recovery. God disciplines those He loves. I have felt His discipline, therefore I have received His love. It doesn't always feel loving, but it is. I want to allow Him to transform me from the inside-out, and not waste His grace or discipline. I want to be teachable and become better.

We are still praying for God to show us clearly His will and plan regarding healing, career, our family, etc. It would be nice if some of the slowness of the process would ease up, but in reality it's only been two years. That's not very long in the grand scheme of things. It's hard not to look back over the last 17 years of our marriage, though, and wish certain struggles would finally end. We are needing God's grace and provision and strength. We are feeling weak and weary, but not hopeless. His grace is sufficient. That's our hope.

Proverbs 3:11-12 (NIV)

¹¹ My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not resent his rebuke,
¹² because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
    as a father the son he delights in.^[b]

Prayer Request

I would like to ask for prayer. I have just received the verdict from my licensing board with their decision for my consequences. I deserve every bit of it. Regardless, I want to trust God fully and follow His plan. I need wisdom and clarity on how to proceed. I want to take full responsibility for my choices, while trusting His plan and provision for my family. 

Pray for Amy as she faces this news. It reopens wounds and is heavy for her as well. It is draining and a bit frustrating I am sure. My sin has hurt her deeply. God is her sustainer, and I know she needs His sustaining grace to make it. 

My soul (and hers) is a bit overwhelmed today no doubt, but I want to run TO HIM and not let this burden keep me in darkness. I am hopeful His grace is still sufficient. He is enough. It's been 2+ years since my confession, but I am glad I still feel the weight of my sin AND the fullness of His grace and mercy. As Al said to me on the day of resignation, "Sin sucks like h--l, but God is good." Amen brother.

"Idolatry is Adultery"

I have started reading "Gods at War" by Kyle Idleman, also author of "Not a Fan." Interesting perspective so far that says that our sins are the result of some form of idolatry. Not golden calf kinds of idols here in America, but idols such as money, power, sex, control, approval, food, success, etc.

In chapter three Idleman reflects on God as a jealous god. He says,

The prophet Ezekiel used a powerful analogy to describe what idolatry feels like to God. He compares it to a cheating spouse. The analogy runs all through the scriptures. The pain of having an unfaithful partner is surely one of the most agonizing human experiences. It's the ultimate betrayal. Yet this is how we are described when we reject the love of God for cheap substitutes. God is he betrayed lover.

That puts our sin in perspective doesn't it? It does for me, all over again. Amy wrote about this some when she said that my betrayal of her was ultimately my betrayal of God. King David said this too in Psalm 51. 

God doesn't want to compete for our love. He's a jealous God. But not in an insecure way. His love is very secure. He has no insecurities in Him. His jealousy is a reflection of His deep love and passion for us. That's incredible. This sort of truth and realization is what I need to think on DAILY. I need to let that sink in and take root and never doubt or forget it. I never want to betray Amy ever again OR my Heavenly Father!

Realizing that "idolatry is adultery" is a sobering, scary thought. It makes the tragedy of sin very real. My choices do in fact have both temporal and eternal consequences. To give in to sin and "idols" is to deny Gods amazing love and fail to trust THE ONE who deserves my whole heart. Only through Him will I ever be able to experience true life and abundance. 

Idleman goes on to describe how God responds to our adultery:

The jealousy of God is demonstrated not just in the offense he takes at our idolatry, but in his pursuit of our hearts. He doesn't just let you run off with some lover; He relentlessly chases after you. No matter what god seems to be winning the war for your heart at this moment, you can be sure of one thing - the one true God will not give up without a fight. God is in pursuit of our wandering, adulterous hearts, and he will stalk us to our graves .

That's good news my friends. Why is that so hard to fathom and abide in!? I believe, Lord. Help my unbelief!

Psalm 34:8 (NIV)

⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good;
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
⁹ Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
    for those who fear him lack nothing.
¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,
    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;
    I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
¹² Whoever of you loves life
    and desires to see many good days,
¹³ keep your tongue from evil
    and your lips from telling lies.
¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;
    seek peace and pursue it.

Marriage Lessons From Our Study of Birds?

I counseled a couple recently who was under stress and tension, and has been for a while. At the end of the session, for some reason I thought about the birds in our yard and our recent science lessons. I used an analogy of our bird feeder and it actually made good sense for marriage. Who knew!?

When we first moved to New Albany, the boys quickly adapted to the country and started shooting at all sorts of animals with their BB guns: Birds, frogs, squirrels, etc. Though they weren't always successful at their attempt to kill them (thankfully), they tried hard. I finally told them to stop killing the birds, especially after their aunt had brought them bird feeders to place throughout the yard. They served more as "traps" than feeders for the birds to enjoy. Eventually, the birds stopped coming. Shocker, huh?

This year at home school, I am teaching science and the entire semester is about Flying Creatures of the Fifth Day. I have learned more about birds the past two months than I have in my entire 38 years of life! It's quite amazing. One of the lessons was to put out bird feeders; two bird feeders that looked the same but had different types of food. The experiment was to see which food the birds in our yard liked best. The kids were to watch for them feeding and document which feeder was most frequently used.

Due to the first few months of living here and the birds being shot at often, it took them a week or so to start regularly coming to the feeders. I imagine they questioned the safety of it. Now, there are lots of birds feeding daily. We've even added a bird bath for them to enjoy. I have been surprised how excited the kids get when the birds come to the feeders!

The three lessons we learned about the birds in our yard:
1. Stop shooting at the birds (if you want them to stick around)
2. Put out feed that the birds enjoy and prefer.
3. Give them time, and when they feel safe, they hopefully will come; and often/freely.

Wow. What wisdom we can gain in our own relationships from this "bird" analogy.

1. Stop shooting at the birds = stop causing harm to each other with our words, actions, etc. Couples don't experience much growth in marriage if constant harm is being caused. This doesn't mean you won't occasionally have tension or cause each other some pain, but minimizing the pain and building a friendship is crucial IF you want things to get better. Aim for a "win-win" in all situations. Enjoy each others' company. Refuse to overreact about everything. Invest in self-care. Ask God to change your heart and feelings of negativity, bitterness, etc. Live out Dr. Eggerichs statement, "My response is my responsibility."

2. Put out feed that the birds enjoy/prefer = Love and relate to your spouse in a way that feels loving/respectful to them; not just you. So often we love and relate to others in ways that we want to be loved/related to. When things don't work out like we'd hope, we wonder why they are so hard to please. Well, sometimes we need to ask ourselves if our approach isn't working, then why not? Maybe you are missing their heart and putting out the "wrong" food. Be a student of your spouse. If you are not connecting well with your spouse and he/she isn't feeling your love, then find out why. It may be something you can improve on. Maybe you need to get different "food." Maybe there's un-forgiveness. Maybe other, deeper issues are at hand. Find out and be intrigued by your mate, not annoyed and disgusted. Enjoy learning about him/her. You may discover there's more going on than you realized and grow closer as a result. Hopefully it won't be too late to turn things around. Don't keep putting it off. Seek help and understanding quickly.

3. Give them time, when they feel safe, they hopefully will come; and often/freely = Safety is the key to intimacy. You can put out the best food, stop shooting at each other, but without safety (emotional, physical, etc), you will remain stuck. The heart is easily wounded and won't show it self freely when it's scared, scarred, and jaded. Safety is a must. Therefore, you have to give it time. Love and relate to your spouse in safety and over time, hopefully he/she will have the courage to come "feed." I say hopefully, because things don't always work out. Some spouses have been hurt too much and won't come back, no matter what changes are made. Regardless of how things seem, don't rush the process. Work on you, grow as a person, serve each other well, and graciously wait and comfort him/her. Without safety, your relationship won't reach a deeper, more personal level. Men, we don't often get this, but when we do, it can change so much about our wives hearts and ability to relate to us more freely/openly. Women, you need to realize, too, that we as men are highly sensitive. We want to be your hero and please you above all else (even if we do things that seem contradictory to this). A man who feels his wife's pleasure will run through a brick wall for her.

Thank you God for a lesson from Birds! Help us all apply these truths in our own lives!

Matthew 6:26-27 (NIV)

²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?

My Name

How does the sound of your name feel to you? When someone calls you by name, what are your first thoughts? Are they positive or disturbed a bit? It may depend on who is calling your name, huh? It also depends on the situation, the tone of their voice, etc.

This may seem a bit strange or awkward, but I have often cringed at the sound of my name. While still in Clinton, when someone said my name out loud in public, I used to "joke" and say, "Don't say that too loud around here." It really wasn't a joke since I had a lot of shame attached to my name. I don't have "warm, fuzzy" thoughts at the sound of my name; still to this day, but I am striving to overcome this.

This past Sunday at church, Pastor Whit preached on Grace and how God responds to us when we "fall away." Great stuff, and the closing video was very powerful. It was a "modern day" version of Jesus restoring Peter after his betrayal. One thing that hit me like a ton of bricks emotionally was when Jesus referenced Mark 16:7. The women had come to the tomb and Jesus was gone. The angel said to them, "But go, tell his disciples and Peter..."

Thinking about Peter's denial of Jesus and imagining he felt overwhelmed with shame and guilt, those two words, "...and Peter" have big significance. Jesus made it very personal and called him by his name. He was purposely preparing to restore Peter and not let him give up on his calling to "feed my sheep."

As someone who has denied and betrayed Jesus, having Jesus call my name is powerful stuff. Before we left Clinton, I had the opportunity to reconcile with a guy who I had hurt deeply. He told me that one night he felt God say, "Go up to Scotty and tell him you forgive him." I wasn't there that night, but when I heard him tell me that a few weeks later, it hit me hard.

Did Jesus really call my name to him? Was it really that personal for him and for me? Was it like when Jesus called Peter by name in order to restore him? If so, that is HUGE to me. It takes salvation and redemption from a general point of view, to a deeply personal one.

When God calls us to a relationship with Him, it is very PERSONAL. Do you see the impact of that? How can you and I give up everything to follow Christ without a deeply personal relationship with Him? When He calls you by name, it changes everything! If we would but listen and let that soak in!

This is an area of growth for me that I want to keep close to heart. I want my name, when I hear it spoken, to be freeing to me, not condemning. I want feel Jesus' pleasure and delight when He calls my name. I am a  child of God, but I want to feel special as His child. That is going to take some work, but it worth wrestling with. Jesus is very personal and calls us by name. That's truly amazing.

Mark 16: 4-7 (NIV) - Jesus Has Risen

⁴ But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. ⁵ As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.
⁶ “Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. ⁷ But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’”

 ^{Revelation 2:17 (NIV)}

 ¹⁷ “Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches. I’ll give the sacred manna to every conqueror; I’ll also give a clear, smooth stone inscribed with your new name, your secret new name.”

Part of my "Pruning"

Part of my recovery has been to allow God to "prune" me in many different ways. One of them has been physically. Here is a picture of me "Before and After" my weight loss pruning. The left picture is from November 2011 (two months after I resigned from the church). The one on the right is from July 2013. I feel way better!

When I started my pruning, I weighed around 202+ pounds. My eating habits were terrible! I had a sugar addiction no doubt. I mistreated my body daily with junk foods, etc. However, I was very active and ran a lot. I had even done 5 marathon in the previous years. And guess what? I had never dropped a pound. In November 2012, Amy asked me to join her in a 24 day challenge with Advocare (www.sparkhope.net). I said yes, not really sure I would take it seriously.

Well, it is a year later, and we are still working on our lifestyle and eating habits, though some days present challenges for sure. Too many options and opportunities to resort back to my "sugar addiction" and treats. However, we enjoy the changes and know it's more honoring to God (but not perfect for sure).

The greatest part of the pruning in all of the areas of my life has been my partnership with Amy. We are in this together and are a team. I love that! I failed to do that for so many years, but thankfully, despite our major tragedy, we are growing through it together.

So whether it's been weight loss, accountability with other men, overcoming shame and self-hatred, recovery from moral failure, etc, the greatest gift is a redeemed walk with Christ AND Amy and my children. With Christ, we are striving to use it all for good and to give others hope. We are grateful for all of you who have walked with us through it all!

The Shack & The Shack Revisted

A few years ago I read The Shack, by William Paul Young, and loved it. I met the author and heard his explanation of the book and why he wrote it. Powerful testimony no doubt. I also used to work for Baxter Kruger and Perichoresis Ministries, who wrote The Shack Revisited, which is the theology behind the book. He helps explain the Triune God (Papa) and our inclusion in His life through Christ and the Holy Spirit. 

Below is a link to the video of Baxter being interviewed on Crossroads 360 explanation the basis of The Shack Revisited and how it applies to the gospel. It's been controversial, but I believe we all need to wrestle with our faith and dig deeper into our beliefs and walk with Christ. I know I need to and want Jesus to enlighten my heart and eyes to see Him as He really is and see myself as He sees me.


The Shack Revisited Interview on Crossroads 360 (Video)
http://www.crossroads360.com/watch?v={93BC6D3A-9499-4624-B77C-83A5713458D4}&s=1#

"As soon as 70 years are up..."

I admit that there are days when my emotions can nearly get the best of me. Going through an "emotional funk" happens to me from time to time, particularly if I get distracted by the "slowness" of my growth, etc. It concerns Amy (and me) since it can trigger past memories and fears. Though it's not happening for the same reasons as before, I still don't like it when I can't shake it.

The past week or so has been one of those "funks." I am praying desperately for God to break it and show me why I am having difficulty living joyfully certain days. I am not giving up or giving in to despair; I just feel a sense of "blah." I want to see God move in a mighty way, but it doesn't seem to be happening, particularly in my work/career. I see growth, though slower than I prefer. I have a desire to provide for my family, though I put us through a major mess that we are still recovering from. Things could be so much worse, so I am thankful for that truth.

As I wrestled with certain questions in my mind about God's calling, His direction, provision, accountability, fears, etc, I thought about Jeremiah 29:11. Many of us have memorized Jeremiah 29:11, but it's important to look at verse 10-14. It puts things in context regarding God's promise to take care of us with plans to "prosper" us.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 The Message (MSG)

^10-11 This is God’s Word on the subject: “As soon as Babylon’s seventy years are up and not a day before, I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

¹² “When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.

^13-14 “When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.“Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” God’s Decree. “I’ll turn things around for you. I’ll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you”—God’s Decree—“bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it.

70 years. That's how long it would be before God's promise would be fulfilled. 70 years! He said, "...and not a day before." Wow, that's a long time to wait on the promise of blessings and plans of prospering. Better than prospering, they would find HIM above all else and have a restored relationship with Him (verses 13-14).

Those are the questions I have to ask myself lately - 

• Am I committed to God's plans, even if I have to wait YEARS to see them be fulfilled? 
• Is Jesus enough OR do I want Jesus, plus a bunch of "stuff," and blessings and prosperity?
• Do I want Him more than anything else in this world? 

I am impatient, but wanting to trust NO MATTER WHAT, as long as it takes. The last thing I want to do is settle for less than God's best. At the same time, I want to be sure I am doing all that I am supposed to do. I need wisdom to balance persistence and perseverance with waiting and trusting during the "silent" times. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!

Psalm 100 (NIV) - A psalm. For giving grateful praise.

¹ Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
²     Worship the Lord with gladness;
    come before him with joyful songs.
³ Know that the Lord is God.
    It is he who made us, and we are his^[a];
    we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name.
⁵ For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Looking in the Wrong Place

We have all been guilty of looking for love and acceptance in the wrong places: work, sports, hobbies, relationships, even the church/religion. For me, early in life it started with my performance in sports, money, relationships, appearance, and approval of others. I later turned to my religious performance for approval/acceptance/validation. Then, my ultimate fall out was when I looked to adultery. None of them satisfied. Many brought shame, emptiness, and huge failure. 

I heard Matt Chandler preach via podcast this past week (The Village Church, Texas). He made a great point about how we run to the world for relief. He said (paraphrase) that "We feel shame and guilt, and then to find relief, we often run to the very things that produced our shame and guilt." So true. We look to the very things that compound and make our shame and guilt and feelings of self-hatred worse. It's nuts. I've done it . Maybe you have to.

Jesus came to rescue us from all of this. He came to give us life, through Him, in Him, by Him, and for Him. He even told a bunch of religious people that they were looking for life in the Bible but it isn't found there. It is intended to POINT us to the ONE who gives life. Look at John 5:37-40:

37 And the Father Himself, who sent Me, has testified of Me. You have neither heard His voice at any time, nor seen His form. 38 But you do not have His word abiding in you, because whom He sent, Him you do not believe. 39 You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. 40 But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life.

Jesus was standing right in front of them, and since they didn't believe, they kept looking elsewhere for eternal life. I have not been much different in my own life. I look to myself and/or things of this world, hoping to feel fulfilled, and then try to tack on Jesus at the end. Then, in my desperation, I cry out to Him to rescue me from my failures, only to later turn to the world yet again. How sad that we want Jesus to be our enabler and bail us out, while continuing to turn our backs on Him. 

I remember one year I was deer hunting and had spent HOURS/WEEKS sitting in a deer stand. Sadly my focus was on me, and not my family. I was desperately hunting, trying to kill a trophy whitetail buck. I was miserable in my pursuit but kept going back, day after day, even on Christmas Day and Christmas Eve. I was extremely selfish and foolish.

One day, as I was sitting in the deer stand, I got a heavy feeling of conviction. God spoke into me that day and I remember telling myself, "I am so desperate to kill a deer but why am I not this desperate for God and a relationship with Him?" In that moment, I got out of the deer stand and went home. 

I don't remember the following days, but I remember longing to be desperate for God. However, my actions and sins were contradictory to this longing. Thankfully, God eventually brought me out of my sin and secrecy and started my healing and redemption. Interestingly, I never killed a trophy buck and even lost two friendships, all because of deer hunting. How tragic. Sin can do that unfortunately.

I long to grow in my love for Jesus and trust Him with NO reservations. I know that the world can't fill me or bring me joy and satisfaction. I have tasted and seen that the LORD is good. Strangely, I am still slow to fully trust and let go, but it's a journey that I am grateful for and hope to grow in daily.

Love and Respect

I came across Dr. Emerson's Love and Respect materials many years ago. It is powerful material that can help couple's feel understood and start making positive changes in their marriage. Below is a link to the Love and Respect blog for a post from September 5, 2013 called, "Love and Respect – Don’t Men and Women Need Both Equally?" Good stuff.

Blog Post Link for Love and Respect
http://emersonandsarah.blogspot.com/2013/09/love-and-respect-dont-men-and-women.html#links

"You did not choose me..."

Do you remember those days on the school playground when kids grouped up and picked teams to play games? It started by picking two captains who would choose the teams. Then, they picked players one at a time, hoping to get the best ones on their side. There were always a few left who got picked last due to their limited skills. I was never that kid but I can imagine it was a painful experience for them.

We pick people on the playground by their skills and ability to help us win. That is not how Christ picks us, though. He has a much different perspective than we do. Reading David Platt's book, Follow Me, he talks about the fishermen that Jesus chose in Matthew 4:18-22. Here is an exert from chapter 2, page 36:

Jesus is not calling these disciples because of who they are, but in spite of who they are. They do not have many qualities in their favor. They are lower class, rural, uneducated Galileans. Likely not well respected, they are hardly the cultural elite. Moreover, their exceeding ignorance, narrow minded ways, Jewish prejudices, and competitive pride make them the least spiritually qualified for the task to which Jesus is calling them.

But that is the point. These men decidedly do not warrant Jesus' pursuit. Yet he comes to them. He walks up to them in the middle of their work, and he invites them to follow him. Later he tells them, "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you." These men become disciples of Jesus solely because of the initiative - and invitation - of Christ.

I have often wondered, "Why did God choose me to become a believer when I feel like such a wreck?" I have sinned so terribly, yet He keeps working in my life and being faithful. Though He has disciplined me and "sifted" me, His love continues. That's because it's initiated by Him and His love, not my merit or worthiness. That's hard to grasp some days, especially on those low days where I feel the weight of my sin or have feelings of inadequacy.

The gospel message is truly amazing. It should never get old, even to us as believers. When we go all the way back to Genesis 1 and see God say, "Let us make man...", that is intriguing. He lacked nothing and had perfect fellowship with His Son and the Holy Spirit. Why bring man into the equation? It wasn't out of boredom or need. He WANTED us to share in His life, and to share His life with us.

David Platt says more about this on page 29 of his book, Follow Me:

The reality of the gospel is that we do not become God's children ultimately because of initiative in us, and he does not provide salvation primarily because of an invitation from us. Instead, before we were ever born, God was working to adopt us. While we were lying alone in the depth of our sin, God was planning to save us. And the only way we can become part of the family of God is through a love entirely beyond our imagination and completely out of our control. Christianity does not begin with our pursuit of Christ, but with Christ's pursuit of us. Christianity does not start with an invitation we offer to Jesus, but with an invitation Jesus offers to us.

If you or I ever start to feel down and depressed, then remembering the gospel message is crucial. God chose you and me LONG before we were ever born. He didn't choose us based on our behavior, attitude, appearance, or what we can do for Him. He doesn't need us but WANTS us. Salvation began with Him before the world was ever created. He chose us for adoption as sons and daughters!

Since He chose us to be in His family, then that must mean He loves us and has great things in store for us, here on Earth and eternally in Heaven. Therefore, life never is without purpose. Making Him our pursuit and His purposes give us joy and hope beyond all else. No matter how great things are or how terrible, His love remains. He is faithful even when we are not. He will never forsake us. Nothing or no one in this world can offer such a promise.

Romans 8:38-39 - The Message (MSG)

^31-39 So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

By faith...

<sup>There are days when I reach a crossroads of faith - do I continue in the direction God is leading me, though growth and results are slow, or waiver in unbelief. When I get those thoughts of doubt and fear, I need to be reminded of those saints who have gone before me. They set the example of faith that keeps me pressing on. 

Hebrews 11 has numerous examples of heroes of the faith. Some key phrases stuck out to me this week when reading through chapter 11, verses 7-16.</sup> 

 ⁷ By faith Noah, being warned by God about things not yet seen, ^[h]in reverence prepared an ark for the salvation of his household, by which he condemned the world, and became an heir of the righteousness which is according to faith.
⁸ By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed ^[i]by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going. ⁹ By faith he lived as an alien in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, dwelling in tents with Isaac and Jacob, fellow heirs of the same promise; ¹⁰ for he was looking for the city which has foundations, whose architect and builder is God. ¹¹ By faith even Sarah herself received ^[j]ability to conceive, even beyond the proper time of life, since she considered Him faithful who had promised. ¹² Therefore there was born even of one man, and him as good as dead ^[k]at that, as many descendants as the stars of heaven in number, and innumerable as the sand which is by the seashore.

Look at a few of the key phrases that point out their faith rather than fear or doubt:

Noah - Verse 7 -  "...when warned by God about things not yet seen..." (it had not rained yet)

Abraham - Verse 8 - "...he went out, not knowing where he was going..." (a land unknown)

Sarah - Verse 11 - "...even Sarah herself received ability to conceive, even beyond the proper time of life..." (past childbearing ability)

Then, the big finale in verses 13-16:

¹³ All these died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. ¹⁴ For those who say such things make it clear that they are seeking a country of their own. ¹⁵ And indeed if they had been ^[l]thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return. ¹⁶ But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ^[m]ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them.

God didn't give them "rational" instructions (Noah), clear direction (Abraham), or even realistic expectations, spiritually or physically (Sarah), but they each believed in faith that God was trustworthy and would come through for them - either on Earth or in Heaven someday. None of them were perfect, but their faith showed their inner heart change and belief.

Look at verse 16, "But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them." Wow. They lived for a greater calling, a greater purpose, and a greater God.

Trusting Christ is not always an easy journey. In fact, we can get too comfortable here in America and lose sight of the fact that it really has great risks. In my faith journey, I know I have much more growth that is needed. I want to live by faith and trust that God will provide and be faithful to all He has called me to. I don't want to base my faith and trust on my emotions or circumstances, though.

Lately, I haven't  felt as full of faith and confidence as I would like, but despite my feelings of concern, anxiousness, and uncertainty, I am working hard to press on and stay the course. Having other believers in my life who keep me accountable, encourage me, and walk with me makes a huge difference. I want to be that for others as well.

The secret to doing this? Set my mind on things above; on Christ. That's my goal today. I may need to be reminded again tomorrow. And then the next. It's one day at a time.

Colossians 3:2 The Message (MSG)

He Is Your Life

3 ^1-2 So if you’re serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that’s where the action is. See things from his perspective.