I see it week after week. A husband and/or wife come in. He thinks she is controlling and disrespectful. He works all of the time and provides for their wants and needs, and can't figure out why she and the kids aren't happy. She says he is never home and has felt like a "single mom" for most of their marriage. He gets defensive and says he can't please her. She feels unloved and uncared for. Things are tense, loneliness is high, and hope for a better marriage is fading, or in some cases gone.
This is not the "exact" story, but it's common. The man thinks to lead means to provide financial support without much emotional involvement. He doesn't like to be reminded of his lack of care and emotional involvement with her or the kids. She reacts by taking charge since she felt she "had to." She criticizes him, hoping he will "wake up" and lead and get the hint that she needs him. He doesn't get the message and thinks she despises him. He gets praise and respect at work so that's where he spends the majority of his time. She gets her identity from raising the kids. They live separate lives under the same roof. Like roommates, and many days not even as good roommates.
What's crazy is that in some ways that was "our" story. Amy and I lived as "roommates" for many years. I was so angry, defensive, insecure, overly busy, and emotionally distant. She tried hard to reach me, but I was too hypersensitive and eventually was living in deep sin.
Now that all that has changed, I have become really burdened by the needs of couples, particularly men. We men want to lead but in many ways feel ill-equipped to do so. Or, we have a faulty view of leadership. We swing from two extremes - passivity/absent to overbearing/dictator. Neither are Biblical or helpful. Working all of the time "just to provide" doesn't work. It creates a relational disconnect that leaves the family longing for love, and not just material stuff. The flip side of "demanding respect" because "I am a man" isn't helpful either. That pushes people away and fails to connect with them emotionally or spiritually.
I have been on a search to find out how to lead as a man, particularly a Christian man. I have observed many different men in my life, including my own dad. I have seen characteristics in some that I want to follow, while others reflect how "not" to lead. As a follower of Christ, Jesus is the only real and accurate example to learn from. He demonstrated perfectly what it means to be a man and leader. He's the best example AND He is the one by His Holy Spirit who equips me to do so. Two for one special!
Here are some characteristics I see in Jesus that I need to ask honestly "Are these characteristics in my life, in my mind, in my heart, and my actions? Am I the kind of man I want my sons to become? Am I the kind of man I want my daughter to marry someday? Am I this kind of husband and father?"
As a man, Jesus was (and is)...
- A Servant
- Humble
- Submissive to His Father
- Led by the Holy Spirit
- Clear about who He was
- Clear about His purpose
- Skilled/Gifted
- Kind/Caring
- Relational
- A gifted teacher
- Bold/Brave
- Strong
- Wise
- Loved children
- Willing to go against the cultural norms
- A common man
- Caring/Loving
- Accepting
- Confrontive
- Active
- A mentor
- A leader
- Prayerful
- Obedient (even to the point of death and suffering)
- Faithful
- Forgiving
- Funny (we often miss this aspect of Jesus)
- Influential
- Unselfish
The gospel is you can't fix yourself or others. Christ did that for you and calls you to submit/surrender to Him and let Him be the hero in your life. To me, that's very freeing. I have fallen flat on my face and I KNOW I CAN'T. I have screwed up enough to know that I want Jesus to work in me and through me. My ways stink. His ways are best.
For me to lead my family requires me to first seek and submit to Christ. As I seek Him and do "only what I see Him" doing, then I am able to fully and freely lead my wife and children: Humbly, boldly, consistently, lovingly, as a servant, courageously, and faithfully. As I mature as a Christ follower, then my leadership is a reflection of that. I will not do it perfectly, but as I am honest with myself, others, and with God, then I am able to let Him do His work in me and "sanctify" me. As long as it takes, whatever it takes.
I admit it isn't an easy or always a fun process, but it's the best thing I can do. I am honored and humbled that God even gives me His time and wants a relationship with me. Especially after all I have done to spit in His face and turn my back on Him. He's truly amazing and good.
1 Corinthians 16:13 (NASB)
13 Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be
strong.
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