The surface level "why" is because I was stupid, sinful, selfish, and made adultery an option. I didn't go out looking to be unfaithful, but I also didn't do all I could to guard against it. I didn't have accountability with other men or let others in my life know what I was struggling with. I didn't let God's love transform me fully, and I held on to a lot of inner shame and insecurities that left me vulnerable. I lived contradictory to my faith in Christ and acted "worse than an unbeliever."
For me, the deeper "why" took a while to answer. It has never been about blaming anyone or anything on my decision to be unfaithful. I know blame is not the answer. Understanding "why" is about gaining understanding so I can prevent it in the future. I have taken full responsibility for my betrayal and want desperately to remain faithful - always.
In many ways, sexuality has always been a form of identity for me. Early in my life, it became a way of finding approval and making me feel like I was "okay." It almost became like a measuring rod for my worth and value. A girl's approval was very important to me. It almost became an inner obsession or addiction, that led me down some very dark paths.
I remember a time in the 8th grade feeling completely rejected and inadequate. I was growing taller but was skinny as a rail. One day at the lake, I was with a girl that I liked very much. I had my shirt off and she made some comment about my chest looking "caved in" or something. I still remember it feeling as if an arrow had pierced my heart. I was embarrassed and stunned. We never spoke again after that day. I was devastated. Sadly, I don't know if she meant it the way I took it, but it hurt me deeply.
Inner shame, self-hatred, inadequacy, and insecurity - those thoughts dominated my mind daily for many years. I secretly battled against these feelings and inner beliefs. They often showed themselves in the form of rage, a terrible temper, negativity, and moodiness. To overcome them, I started looking to relationships with girls to fill that void. Maybe I didn't feel like I had my mother's approval, so I went looking for it elsewhere. Regardless, it led me to places I wish I could take back and go back and change.
In my marriage, I had drifted emotionally from Amy and felt like she was disgusted by me. I believed lies that told me that she had rejected me, etc. In reality, I was hating myself. She was loving me very well, though I know I was very draining on her due to my defensiveness and insecurities. I was battling dark shame and refused to let God heal me. I hid it for many years, but on August 26, 2011, my hiding was over. It all came out, and I finally could start healing. It came at a high price no doubt.
So why adultery? I wish I could say exactly. Sin and shame have a way of blinding us to the truth of God's love and promises. Sin never delivers what it promises. It always leaves us battered, empty, hurt, and in bondage. That's why Jesus had to do what He did - He took sin so seriously and refused to let it destroy us, His beloved creation. He gave us freedom from sin and shame - if we would simply trust Him and stop running back to sin for relief.
I am grateful for what God has done in me and my marriage over the past two years. I wish it would have come through a different way, but I can't take back what I have done. I know that I am capable of committing terrible sin, but I also have come to know that God can do huge, amazing things in and through me when I let Him. I want to trust Him to continue that work and never look to sin for relief or comfort. It can't deliver what it promises. I want to live in His light and truth. It's always best.
Hebrews 4:14-16 (The Message)
14-16 Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.
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