Marriage Lessons From Our Study of Birds?

I counseled a couple recently who was under stress and tension, and has been for a while. At the end of the session, for some reason I thought about the birds in our yard and our recent science lessons. I used an analogy of our bird feeder and it actually made good sense for marriage. Who knew!?

When we first moved to New Albany, the boys quickly adapted to the country and started shooting at all sorts of animals with their BB guns: Birds, frogs, squirrels, etc. Though they weren't always successful at their attempt to kill them (thankfully), they tried hard. I finally told them to stop killing the birds, especially after their aunt had brought them bird feeders to place throughout the yard. They served more as "traps" than feeders for the birds to enjoy. Eventually, the birds stopped coming. Shocker, huh?

This year at home school, I am teaching science and the entire semester is about Flying Creatures of the Fifth Day. I have learned more about birds the past two months than I have in my entire 38 years of life! It's quite amazing. One of the lessons was to put out bird feeders; two bird feeders that looked the same but had different types of food. The experiment was to see which food the birds in our yard liked best. The kids were to watch for them feeding and document which feeder was most frequently used.

Due to the first few months of living here and the birds being shot at often, it took them a week or so to start regularly coming to the feeders. I imagine they questioned the safety of it. Now, there are lots of birds feeding daily. We've even added a bird bath for them to enjoy. I have been surprised how excited the kids get when the birds come to the feeders!

The three lessons we learned about the birds in our yard:
1. Stop shooting at the birds (if you want them to stick around)
2. Put out feed that the birds enjoy and prefer.
3. Give them time, and when they feel safe, they hopefully will come; and often/freely.

Wow. What wisdom we can gain in our own relationships from this "bird" analogy.

1. Stop shooting at the birds = stop causing harm to each other with our words, actions, etc. Couples don't experience much growth in marriage if constant harm is being caused. This doesn't mean you won't occasionally have tension or cause each other some pain, but minimizing the pain and building a friendship is crucial IF you want things to get better. Aim for a "win-win" in all situations. Enjoy each others' company. Refuse to overreact about everything. Invest in self-care. Ask God to change your heart and feelings of negativity, bitterness, etc. Live out Dr. Eggerichs statement, "My response is my responsibility."

2. Put out feed that the birds enjoy/prefer = Love and relate to your spouse in a way that feels loving/respectful to them; not just you. So often we love and relate to others in ways that we want to be loved/related to. When things don't work out like we'd hope, we wonder why they are so hard to please. Well, sometimes we need to ask ourselves if our approach isn't working, then why not? Maybe you are missing their heart and putting out the "wrong" food. Be a student of your spouse. If you are not connecting well with your spouse and he/she isn't feeling your love, then find out why. It may be something you can improve on. Maybe you need to get different "food." Maybe there's un-forgiveness. Maybe other, deeper issues are at hand. Find out and be intrigued by your mate, not annoyed and disgusted. Enjoy learning about him/her. You may discover there's more going on than you realized and grow closer as a result. Hopefully it won't be too late to turn things around. Don't keep putting it off. Seek help and understanding quickly.

3. Give them time, when they feel safe, they hopefully will come; and often/freely = Safety is the key to intimacy. You can put out the best food, stop shooting at each other, but without safety (emotional, physical, etc), you will remain stuck. The heart is easily wounded and won't show it self freely when it's scared, scarred, and jaded. Safety is a must. Therefore, you have to give it time. Love and relate to your spouse in safety and over time, hopefully he/she will have the courage to come "feed." I say hopefully, because things don't always work out. Some spouses have been hurt too much and won't come back, no matter what changes are made. Regardless of how things seem, don't rush the process. Work on you, grow as a person, serve each other well, and graciously wait and comfort him/her. Without safety, your relationship won't reach a deeper, more personal level. Men, we don't often get this, but when we do, it can change so much about our wives hearts and ability to relate to us more freely/openly. Women, you need to realize, too, that we as men are highly sensitive. We want to be your hero and please you above all else (even if we do things that seem contradictory to this). A man who feels his wife's pleasure will run through a brick wall for her.

Thank you God for a lesson from Birds! Help us all apply these truths in our own lives!

Matthew 6:26-27 (NIV)

²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?