Blessings

Reading the book, One Thousand Gifts, helps me live more visibly aware of the many blessings "right in front of me." The words, "Thank You" begin to flow more regularly when I choose to see the many gifts of God. I wish I would have done this for my first 38 years! I missed out!! I have a long way to go, but it's a pursuit worth the struggle. It's way more enjoyable.

Here is a picture of a blessing I noticed this week when I got home the other night. They weren't put out necessarily for me to find. They were just "evidence" of what the kids were doing and thinking during the day. I am blessed. As Dave Ramsey says, "Better than I deserve."

The saying is true, "We see (notice) what we look for." What a freeing statement that changes my perspective for the better when I look for the "gifts" of God, rather than the "woe is me" (self-pity) moments of life. I have done that far too often and know it too well.

In my bitterness, ungratefulness, blame, self-hatred, and lack of love for self and others (and God), I turned to selfishness and hurting others, including myself. Not God's plan. He came to set us free and find life in Him. Much of the "havoc" I caused could have been avoided had I gotten help years ago. I am grateful that my healing is occurring "better late than never," though it's been a lot to sort out and recover from.

I also have to be careful I don't let people I encounter who are stuck in unforgiveness, bitterness and "victim" thinking bother me so much that I lose perspective. I want to have compassion for them and not let my past get in the way. I know what it's like to live that way, so I can become bothered by it when I see it in others who seem to like the "victim" mindset. It's like a mirror that reveals those parts of me I don't like or wish I could take back. Despite all the grace I have been shown, I still have to repent for my struggles to live in the joy of Christ and love others more fully. I have to guard against the "plank-eye" disease!

Blessings are all around - am I looking for them? How many will I fail to notice to day? Will I find joy, even in the menial tasks of life, or will I complain about them? Will I stand in awe of Christ today and be amazed by Him? I hope so. "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. I want to see you!"

Psalm 3, New International Version (NIV)

A psalm of David. When he fled from his son Absalom.

¹ Lord, how many are my foes!
    How many rise up against me!
² Many are saying of me,
    “God will not deliver him.”^[b]

³ But you, Lord, are a shield around me,
    my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
⁴ I call out to the Lord,
    and he answers me from his holy mountain.

⁵ I lie down and sleep;
    I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
⁶ I will not fear though tens of thousands
    assail me on every side.

⁷ Arise, Lord!
    Deliver me, my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
    break the teeth of the wicked.

⁸ From the Lord comes deliverance.
    May your blessing be on your people.

Messages from Your Soul

It is strange, sad, and bothersome that I lived in the "far country" for so many years, wreaking havoc on myself and many others. It's worse that I was supposedly a "professing follower of Christ." I lived quite the opposite. Most of my sin was due to "stinking thinking" as they say in AA. My thoughts and beliefs about myself was jacked up. Sadly, it started in early elementary and carried on through adulthood. Much of my "recovery" work has been to apply many of God's truths, particularly Romans 12:1-2 (The Message):

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Or as the NIV says, "but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." 

My mind was so skewed. I suffered from self-hatred, deep shame, and was longing for acceptance - and looked for it in "all the wrong places." I had it from God through Christ AND from Amy. However, I didn't let their love sink in and undo the inner turmoil of sin and selfishness. It took a major fall out to wake me up.

One of the best books I have read on purity of mind and body has been Mark Laaser's book, Taking Every Thought Captive. He has great insights that explain why the mind and brain are so key to our purity. Plus, how to "take those thoughts captive unto Christ" rather than staying stuck in a life of sin and ungodly living/thinking. Our brains need to be reprogrammed so that our old ways of coping are replaced with new, healthy ones (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Dr. Laaser explains why sex is often misused. He says,

Every sexual act symbolizes some form of excitement, acceptance, love, nurturing, power, or control; sexual acts are always ways we symbolically try to solve our emotional issues. Your thoughts and actions mean something about your soul. Your ... thoughts can be your teachers. They bring you messages from your soul.

God loves us. Yet we do not always know or understand that. Our fantasies are our attempts to love ourselves, to meet the needs of our soul. God's love for us has been the answer all along, but do we know how that works? The psalmist says that if we "delight...in the LORD...he will give us the desires of our heart" (Ps. 37:4). Could it be that being obedient to Christ means that we'd better learn how God loves us and wants us to love ourselves so that we can love others? 

When we struggle with unwanted thoughts and impure thinking, the temptation is to try to avoid having those thoughts at all costs. We think if we distract ourselves and ignore them that they will go away. Though we need to "take these thoughts captive" and not dwell on the particular images/thoughts, we need to seek to find the "meaning" behind those thoughts. The longings of our soul are crying out. We need to listen. Dr. Laaser has great insights on how to deal with this issue.

Take time to know what the longings of your soul are and where in your past they come from...When unwanted thoughts come into my brain, my first question is going to be, "What are these thoughts trying to tell me? What are they trying to teach me?" I don't tell them to go away. I ask them to stay, and I interview them. Then I ask myself, "Am I particularly tired or lonely? Am I stressed and overworked? Am I feeling disconnected from my wife, family and friends?" Then, "What do I need? How can I love myself? What do I need to ask for?" When I take time to do this, I can honestly say that I am free of unwanted thoughts and fantasies and am much more able to love others. God is good. He is the answer. I seek to be obedient, and I seek to love others as I love myself.

I am grateful for people like Dr. Laaser. He has been in recovery from sexual sin for over 25 years. He has had the courage to be honest, accountable, and seek Christ for his healing and wholeness. He has a tremendous ministry to men and couples (www.faithfulandtrue.com). He and his wife have a passion for sharing God's message of hope, despite the fact that he fell hard into sin and hurt so many people. Interestingly, when his "fall out" occurred back in the 80's, he was around the same age I was when I fell. He is a living example of how God can change a person. I want that testimony as well. What Satan intended for evil, God has used for good.

"There are no guarantees"

I am thankful for a long list of things over the past 2 1/2 years, during our recovery. One of them is to be able to read Amy's thoughts, feelings, prayers, etc. in her blog and journal, even as far back as 2008. Though at times it has been very painful to read, it provides me with tons of insight, gratitude, and healing.

I get to see God's faithfulness before, during, and after my "season of sin" and betrayal. I get to see Amy's faith journey and her walk with Christ - during the difficult times and times of celebration. This is very important for me to read about and reflect on because my sin had blinded me and caused me to feel shame, bitterness, anger, fear, self-hatred, emotional distance, and kept me stuck in a rut of sin and destruction.

For the past week or so, I have been reading through her blog and trying to put some thoughts and insights together in a bit of a chronological timeline. Those "pre-fall out" days have triggered all sorts of emotions in me - how could I be so selfish and sinful? How could I take for granted my family, my marriage, my children? It's a lot to take in, but how critical it is for me to feel the weight of my sin, while rejoicing in God's redemption and work - despite my sin!

Here is a portion of Amy's blog from June 2013. She had reached a place of acceptance by realizing "there are no guarantees." Sadly, most couples don't survive, but thankfully many do, and are better for it. It is slow, painful journey that takes years of work, prayer, surrender, and trust in Christ. Her words from her blog are very true and points to the One who is faithful and enough - He's our only true hope.

Friday, June 28, 2013, "What ifs..."

When I was confronted with Scotty's unfaithfulness and the deep remorse that followed, I was completely confident that I wanted to stick it out and work on our marriage. I had no doubts about that. However, as you might expect, I did/do experience occasional anxiety over the "what ifs" of our future.

• What if Scotty does this again in the future?
• What if the thoughts of what happened are ALWAYS a part of my life?
• What if Scotty can't deal with the fact that I STILL have bad days years into the healing process?

This list could go on..... and on..... and on.......

And, the frustrating thing about this list is that there are no guarantees. Despite our best intentions, we just don't know what will happen in the future. Scotty could attempt to assure me that he will NEVER do this again. But, he didn't really PLAN to do it in the first place.

The many books that I've read and the therapists we've seen can tell me that my undesirable thoughts that pop up out of nowhere will lessen with time, but they can't PROMISE that they will.

Do you see what I'm saying? THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES!!! And, honestly... that's unsettling.

You have your own "what ifs" even if you aren't healing from adultery. If you've committed to a process that takes work of any kind, there are absolutely NO guarantees that your work will stand the test of time. Unsettling, right?

So, if life can give me no guarantees, where do I go? What do I trust?

I trust that God, through His Son, Jesus Christ,will ALWAYS be enough!

• If I find myself in another situation where someone I trust has been unfaithful, God will be faithful. And, that will be ENOUGH!
• If I am still having unwanted and unpredictable thoughts about things & people I don't want to think about years down the road, God will bring peace in the midst of each storm. And, that will be ENOUGH!
• If Scotty decides that my inability to completely forget the past even though I've chosen to forgive is too much for him to handle, God will be able to handle it. And, that will be ENOUGH!

All is Grace

Grace: unmerited (unearned favor, blessing). It is humbling to realize how much grace God has shown me. He has given grace that I don't deserve or could ever earn.  He owes me nothing; nothing else. Every day is a gift. I pray I see through His eyes all that happens - good and pleasant AND difficulty and suffering. I pray I respond with thanksgiving, gratitude, and let Him mold and shape me in whatever manner He sees fit.

He is good. Always. May I never forget. Ever.

Words from One Thousand Gifts, chapter 5, Ann Voskamp

All God makes is good. Can it be that, that which seems to oppose the will of God actually is used of Him to accomplish the will of God? Who would ever know the greater graces of comfort and perseverance, mercy and forgiveness, patience and courage, if no shadows fell over a life? Without God's Word as a lens, the world warps. 

Who deserves any grace? 

When I realize that it is not God who is in my debt but I am in His great debt, then doesn't all become gift? For He might not have.

I awaken to the strange truth that all new life comes out of the dark places, and hasn't it always been? And grace that chooses to bear the cross of suffering overcomes that suffering. The dark can give birth to life; suffering can deliver grace.

What in the world, in all this world, is grace? I can say it certain now: All is grace. I see through the woods of the world: God is always good and I am always loved. God is always good and I am always loved. Everything is eucharisteo.

Job 2:10, The Message (MSG)

¹⁰ He told her, “You’re talking like an empty-headed fool. We take the good days from God—why not also the bad days?”
Not once through all this did Job sin. He said nothing against God.

Will the "invisible" become "visible" today?

I have lived most of my life in a hurry. I'm NOT proud of this. I am bothered that I have missed out on so many moments with my family, friends, and even strangers needing a glimpse of hope and Jesus. And for what purpose? How did it benefit me or anyone?

Sadly, it's far too easy to live life in fast forward. It can happen in the blink of an eye. Slowing down and trying to "Be still..." doesn't come naturally to me, but when I lost my career and nearly my whole family, I "woke"up. I was forced to slow down. That was an act of God's grace. He did for me what I wasn't able or willing to do voluntarily. 

God is way more active in our lives and world than we see or experience. I am saddened by the thought that I have missed 1000's of blessings, gifts from God, and "God moments" because I was in a "hurry." And then, in my frantic and ungratefulness, I often prayed, "Where are you, God? Help me out, here." Meaningless. What an abuse of His grace.

Chapter four, One Thousand Gifts, Voskamp writes...

Haste makes waste. Hurry always empties a soul. Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time:When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here. I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment. And when I'm always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter. And time slows. Weigh down this moment in time with attention full, and the whole of time's river slows, slows, slows. Thanksgiving makes time. I want to slow down and taste life, give thanks, and see God.

"I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment. Thanksgiving makes time. I want to slow down and taste life, give thanks and see God." That's truth well spoken. A life worth living.

Time. It is a gift from God. What will I do with it today? Will I frantically watch the clock and stress over my "to do" list, or will I slow down and live life in the moment? I pray that Jesus will open my eyes today to see Him. I desperately want Him to make the "invisible" become visible. I need the courage to slow down and surrender control, resting and delighting in Him.

A "break" from the roller coaster

My hands are numb this morning as I type. Just finished running 6 miles. It's a chilly morning but perfect for running. Without gloves, it takes my hands a while to "thaw out." The past week has had some nice weather. Fall feeling, finally. What a blessing. Hopefully it will stay, but we are in Mississippi. It could possibly get back to 90 degrees by next week. Let's hope not.

I am very thankful this morning. For the past few days I have not felt the emotional "funk" and despair that hit me regularly every morning between 4 am and 7 am. It's as if the roller coaster ride is temporarily on hold. That is HUGE to me. I am grateful because for a couple of weeks, I couldn't seem to shake it. It was getting to be very concerning.

Reading One Thousand Gifts changed my focus. I believe it turned things around for me emotionally and mentally. It challenged me to stop focusing so much on my circumstances, and desperately pursue thankfulness (eucharisteo) "in all things." I came to realize my ungratefulness toward God; how I had questioned His goodness; how I was focusing on the wrong things. Very troubling, since He has been so good to us; in many ways, "too good."

Gratitude and thankfulness, even during times of struggle and difficulty, takes practice; intentionality; focus; and purpose. Paul in Philippians said that he has "learned to be content." That's good that it is a learn able skill. I need to "practice" and "learn." I stink at it most days.

Voskamp discusses naming gifts, "one by one" as the old hymn says. She says naming each gift and recognizing it is from God, makes "the invisible become visible." How true is that? We often see what we are looking for - am I looking for God's presence and "presents" (i.e. gifts, blessings, answers to prayers) or am I looking for reasons to fear, to question, to doubt, to worry? My emotional funk for those few weeks answers that question clearly.

Two quotes come to mind this morning:

"The worst thing that can happen is to become successful before you are ready."

"Life changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time." Voskamp

Also, a Bible verse that hits home as well is Luke 16:10 (NASB)

¹⁰ “He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous also in much.

What a privilege it is to be disciplined by God. Oh, that I would be teachable and allow Him to, fully.

I want to...

• Live a  life of gratitude and take nothing for granted
• Delight in Him and stand in awe of Him
• Let His will and ways be my pursuit and passion
• Learn contentment, thankfulness, gratitude - "in all things"
• Trust He is good; always
• Share His message of hope through my words, actions and life

I don't know how long I will get a break from my emotional roller coaster, but my perspective is much clearer when I am specific in naming and receiving the gifts God has given. After what I have done through my sin and past, to be able to experience such grace, love, mercy, forgiveness, redemption, and healing is truly a miracle and testimony of who God is. "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me...Twas blind but now I see."

Thankfulness: The Key To a Full Life

I have learned many things during my journey of recovery, and the next chapter of learning is to be thankful "in everything." As I read One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp, I realize how much I struggle to be thankful about everything. I never want to celebrate sin, but I want to celebrate what God can do, despite my sin. He overcame sin and death once and for all, and invites us to share in His life - His joy, His sufferings, His will - all of it.

Voskamp expresses this well when she talks about the key to experiencing full salvation is thanksgiving:

Thanksgiving - giving thanks in everything - prepares the way that God might show us His fullest salvation in Christ.The act of sacrificing thank offerings to God - even for the bread and cup of cost, for cancer and crucifixion - this prepares the way for God to show us His fullest salvation from bitter, resentful lives, and from all sin that estranges us from Him. Our salvation in Christ is real, yet the completeness of that salvation is not fully realized in a life until the life realizes the need to give thanks. In everything?...The way through is hard. But do I really want to be saved?

Even Christ, moments before His suffering began, shared a meal with His disciples, and "gave thanks." Knowing all He was about to endure - betrayal, beatings, abuse, undeserved death, crucifixion, and more - He was able to "give thanks" and keep perspective on His purpose. He knew His Father was good. He never questioned the Father's love. He endured such suffering, out of love FROM His Father and FOR His people.

I am grateful for where God has brought me, though I wish it would have come in a different way; by a different path. I wish I would have never gone down the road of betrayal, but somehow, God is still showing He can turn something evil into something good. Obedience would have been less painful and devastating, but I am thankful He didn't give me what I deserved.

I am hoping to be like the Apostle Paul and "learn to be content" in all things. I want joy in the midst of my circumstances. I want to "give thanks" no matter what I face or experience - good or bad. I want God to give me what I need and what He sees is best; not what I want or think I need/want. The road of healing is to trust and know deep down in my soul, that God is good. Therefore, I can be thankful "in all things" because I know He has a plan and a purpose for everything; even when things seem hopeless or too much to bear.

As Jesus asked the beggar at the Pool of Bethesda, "Do you want to be made well?" Do I really want to experience the full life of being a follower of Christ, even if it means suffering and hardship? Do I trust Him enough to say "Thank you" for my suffering and dark days? Will I still follow Him when the outcome is unknown? Will I still do my recovery, "as long as it takes" and "whatever it takes?" Is He enough?

I hope to get to the place where I live a full life of thanksgiving in everything. It will take some pruning and maturing by God, but the fact that He's willing to do that for me is an act of His love and grace. He could just have left me in the far country to die. He could have forsaken me and refused to restore me. Thankfully, He did the opposite. "He is faithful, even when we are not."

To honor Him, I want to let Him do His work in me and "carry it on to completion." I am hopeful of where He is taking me, though I pray that I will trust His plans, promises and time table, rather than my emotions or limited perspective. Thankfulness and "remembering" all He has done is a huge part of that "endurance." 

Psalm 50, NIV

¹⁴ “Sacrifice thank offerings to God,
    fulfill your vows to the Most High,
¹⁵ and call on me in the day of trouble;
    I will deliver you, and you will honor me.”

Spiritual "Plagiarism"

In college, I learned about plagiarism in writing class. The professors taught us how to properly cite and reference other people's work when writing our own papers. Taking credit for what someone else said or did was a violation of writing and ethics. According to www.dictionary.com, the definition of plagiarism is...

pla·gia·rism (noun)

1. an act or instance of using or closely imitating the language and thoughts of another author without authorization and the representation of that author's work as one's own, as by not crediting the original author. Synonyms: appropriation, infringement, piracy, counterfeiting; theft, borrowing, cribbing, passing off.

What about "spiritual plagiarism?" How often have I "plagiarized" what God has done in my life and tried to take credit for what HE did? Due to my sin and failures, I don't think (hopefully) over the past two+ years that I have taken credit for what God has done in and through Amy and me. How could I? What I did as evil, God is using to bring about good. I am incapable of doing such good. "Apart from Christ" I can do nothing.

If anything, I have minimized His power and goodness. I have undermined and discredited His work and great name. In my emotional roller coaster rides, I waiver in faith, feel powerless, stuck and unsure of what all He's up to. I get "amnesia" from time to time and lose sight of all His faithfulness. I let my circumstances and emotions have more power than His grace, His truth, and His faithfulness.

This, along with "spiritual plagiarism," requires repentance, His forgiveness, and His grace to overcome. May I not settle for either extreme. I don't want to miss out on all He wants to do or fail to give glory to His name. A life lived fully (not foolishly)...that's my prayer and hope.

One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp

Much of the worry in my own life has been a failure to believe...a wariness to thank and trust the love hand of God. Thanks is what builds trust. Every time fear freezes and worry writhes, every time I surrender to stress, aren't I advertising the unreliability of God? That I really don't believe? Because remembering with thanks is what causes us to trust - to believe.

 Psalm 115, New International Version (NIV)

¹ Not to us, Lord, not to us
    but to your name be the glory,
    because of your love and faithfulness.

D.I.Y.

I see a lot of products and stores talk about D.I.Y., or better known as Do It Yourself. There's nothing wrong with that since it can be enjoyable to do projects "yourself" and not have to hire someone to do it all. Most of my D.I.Y. projects don't always turn out as I hoped, so I usually need help anyway. I know my limits.

From a Christian perspective, D.I.Y. has very little place, though. There's not much about Christianity that is D.I.Y., other than prayer and obedience. However, even those are "gifts from God" and He is the One who teaches us what to pray and enables/equips us to obey. The Christian walk is not intended to be D.I.Y. We need God our Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and other believers. That contradicts our cultures push for independence and "do it yourself" thinking.

Adultery recovery is not D.I.Y., either. Men and couples who have tried to do it alone, rarely see the growth they hoped for and needed. Spending energy to keep it a "secret" and trying to do it without the help of other growing believers is not wise. It's tempting to say, "It's none of their business," or "We can do this alone," but it can lead to more problems or unhealed wounds; and delay recovery.

Don't get me wrong, many aspects of our recovery is done privately - prayer, Bible study alone with God, counseling, etc. But it doesn't end there. Face to face accountability, mentoring, testimony sharing, and walking with others in need of hope and healing takes us out of the privacy of our recovery and into the lives of others. We need it. Others need it. It's a both/and kind of deal.

We were not intended to do life solo or isolated, though there are many days it is tempting to withdraw and hide. Some days it seems easier to crawl back in bed or stay hidden at home. There are aspects of our recovery journey that I can't "figure out," fix or make happen the way that "seems" best. I can't simply D.I.Y. I am at God's mercy, and thankfully He is full of mercy. He knows what's best. He sees the big picture. He is at work. He is "holding all things together." He is good. Through Him and other people He has brought into our lives, we can hold on to hope and trust His plans.

I need so many things to make it through this journey well...

• Freedom from shame and past failure
• Delight in Christ rather than things of this world
• Gratitude when I lose sight of all God has done
• Peace when I feel anxious and fearful
• Hope when mine is fading
• Power when mine is gone
• Wisdom when I feel clueless about what to do next
• Accountability and encouragement when I feel like withdrawing
• Forgiveness when I doubt His goodness and miss the mark
• Provision when I can't make it happen

God has called us out of D.I.Y. thinking and living. He is inviting us to participate in His life; to abide in Him; rest in Him. To walk through life with others. To "test and approve God's will, his good, pleasing, and perfect will." To delight in Him; to "trust Him and lean not on our own understanding." To "know Him and the One whom He sent." To cast all our cares on Him. To find our life and identity in Him.

He's that crazy about us. Mind boggling. That doesn't sound like D.I.Y., so why do I keep resorting to that mindset? I am slow. Strangely I have "trust issues." He has done everything to prove He is trustworthy and good, and yet I still struggle to let go and believe. Forgive me, Jesus. Do for me what I am unable to do for myself.

John 5:19-20, The Message (MSG)

What the Father Does, the Son Does

^19-20 So Jesus explained himself at length. “I’m telling you this straight. The Son can’t independently do a thing, only what he sees the Father doing. What the Father does, the Son does. The Father loves the Son and includes him in everything he is doing."

Undeserving?

As someone in recovery, I have days where I juggle several emotions: Feeling deserving of permanent suffering for my sins, feeling undeserving of goodness and grace from God, Amy and others, and longing to be free in Christ despite my past; hoping for a great future of allowing God to do something good with us/our story.

There are many days that I hate to admit that I am feeling down. Early in the process that was very challenging and often triggered Amy's pain. I want to balance being honest about my emotional state and "journey," while staying committed to surrendering to Christ and fully trusting that He is good. I want joy despite my circumstances. I want hope rather than despair. Praise and worship of Jesus rather than self-pity or shame. 

This journey Amy and I are on has been truly amazing. At the same time, it has stretched us and challenged us further than we ever imagined. We would be crazy to think we did it ourselves. God has shown Himself in so many ways to us and proven we can trust Him, even when things seem too much. He is our rock, redeemer, provider and sustainer. Neither Amy nor I want that role, and know we would fail miserably if it were up to us.

My sin deserved death and despair, but I got life and redemption. I am forever grateful. I can't take credit and "plagiarize" God's work.

• He saw me in the far country. 
• He said "No more!" 
• He called me out. 
• He is redeeming me and setting me free. 
• He is pruning and disciplining me. 
• He is sustaining me. 
• He is leading me. 
• He is the answer to my past, present and future. 
• He is enough. 

I simply get to participate and trust and obey, believing He is good. That seems so simplistic but is taking me a while to embrace. "I believe. Help my unbelief!"

 

Romans 6:15-18, 21-23 (NIV)

 ¹⁵ What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! ¹⁶ Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? ¹⁷ But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. ¹⁸ You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

 ²¹ What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! ²² But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. ²³ For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in^[b] Christ Jesus our Lord.

One lesson I believe God is teaching me continually is that He sees the big picture. I don't. All I can see is what is right in front of me, often through a lens of limited perspective of fear, shame, doubt, confusion, etc. HOWEVER, I have a long list of evidences of His past faithfulness, grace, mercy and goodness. What I focus on determines my emotions and level of spiritual understanding, insight and joy. The last thing I want to do is to mishandle His grace and neglect to learn all He wants me to from the past two + years. He's been so good.

I have to pray daily for God to remove the "fog" from my limited perspective and emotions, so I can see Him more clearly. He's at work. I am just in the transition period between coming out of a life of sin and into a life redemption, joy and freedom. Most of my circumstances, if not all, are my doing. Therefore, as I grieve my past sin and face my circumstances, I want to learn how to live a life of joy and gratitude in all He has done, is doing and will do in and through me - all because of HIS grace. I want to be teachable and have "child-like" faith. 

Today, I can summarize some powerful truths regarding the past two years:

• I lived in sin a long time and caused deep pain and damage to lots of people and myself
• God saw fit to pull me out of it 
• I have experienced grace and mercy from God and so many others
• Though my consequences are huge and ongoing, God is gracious and at work in my life
• My marriage was saved and continues to thrive and heal
• My family is still intact and growing closer and stronger
• We are blessed and grateful for so much
• I often have days of difficult emotions, indicating how far I have to go in my journey of letting God prune me of my "idols" and hindrances to fully trusting Him
• I am hopeful that God knows best and has good in store for me as I seek Him, obey Him, delight in Him, and allow Him to have His way with me
• God is the hero of our story and He is trustworthy and worthy of our praise and worship

I don't know what all God has in store for me and my family, but I am hopeful and excited. Though I feel like an "emotional train wreck" most mornings, I know He is with me. Thankfully He is patient and "slow to anger," because I feel so needy and dependent. That's not a bad place to be necessarily, but hopefully I will continue to mature and grow and be more trusting, and less "volatile" emotionally. Not for my sake or my family's only. But, for the sake of a world in need of His hope. Our redemption goes way beyond our family - hopefully it will be a beacon of hope for many others.
  
Proverbs 30:5-9 (NIV)

⁵ “Every word of God is flawless;
    he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.
⁶ Do not add to his words,
    or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar.

⁷ “Two things I ask of you, Lord;
    do not refuse me before I die:
⁸ Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
    give me neither poverty nor riches,
    but give me only my daily bread.
⁹ Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
    and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’
Or I may become poor and steal,
    and so dishonor the name of my God.

Honey, I shrunk Jesus!

I have come to realize that for most of my life, I have incorrectly believed that it was up to me to make things happen in my life in order to be successful, fulfilled, etc. Strangely, even as a Christian, it's hard not to get stuck in this way of thinking. I am not sure why, though, because over and over God keeps showing me that my ways are not like His ways. His ways are always best. 

Though I believe God provides etc, I have often lived in a way that demonstrated otherwise - long work hours, stress and worry, extra jobs, borrowing money and using debt unnecessarily, little giving/tithing and bouts of materialism and an overly busy lifestyle; just to name a few. One lesson I am relearning, or possibly learning for the first time is that God my Heavenly Father has taken on the role as my provider and Shepherd. Through Jesus, He is in complete control of the world and has "the whole world in His hands." I am His sheep, child, and the one in need to be rescued. Not the opposite. 

Jesus doesn't need my help. He is fully capable of handling everything on His own. Look at Colossians 1:15-20 (HCSB):

¹⁵ He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation.^[i]
16 For everything was created by Him, in heaven and on earth, the visible and the invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities— all things have been created through Him and for Him.
¹⁷ He is before all things, and by Him all things hold together.
¹⁸ He is also the head of the body, the church; He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He might come to have first place in everything.
¹⁹ For God was pleased to have all His fullness dwell in Him,
²⁰ and through Him to reconcile everything to Himself by making peace through the blood of His cross^[j]—whether things on earth or things in heaven.

Through relationship and union with His father and the Holy Spirit, Jesus has been given full authority over everything and everyone. Jesus is the central character in the Bible and all things have been "created through Him and for Him." Jesus doesn't need my help with anything. Everything begins and ends with Him.

However, the coolest, most humbling truth is that, though He doesn't need me, He wants me. That's phenomenal stuff. It's very freeing and life changing when I abide in that Truth. From the very beginning, God has purposed to include us in His life. We are foolish to think He needs us, but we are also foolish to think He doesn't want us. He delights in us and desires to reconcile the world to Himself and "make peace through the blood of His cross." From Genesis to Revelation, story after story is about God's determination to make covenant with His people and reconcile the world to Himself, through His Son.

Each morning I am allowed to wake up and live, I have to ask myself, "Do I trust that Jesus holds all things together, is for me and will make provision as He promises? Will I rest in this truth and pursue Him with my whole heart, fully trusting He knows what's best and will lead and guide me each step of the way? Do I believe that He will never leave or forsake me? Do I love Him more than anything and anyone? Is He enough?"

When I fear or doubt His love, His will, and His promises, I "shrink" Jesus down and under estimate who He is and what He is capable of doing. God has given Him a name above all names. He has placed the whole world in His hands. God sees Jesus in His fullness and trusts Him fully. Who am I to shrink Jesus and not give Him the same credit and honor? My heart is heavy this morning as I realize how much I have shrunk Jesus.

Lord Jesus, forgive me for making light of You and all You are. I want to stand in awe of You and be amazed today by You. I believe. Help my unbelief!

Philippians 2:5-11, The Message (MSG)

^5-8 Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn’t claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.

^9-11 Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, so that all created beings in heaven and on earth—even those long ago dead and buried—will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father.

Things I Hope I Never Say (or Think)

I don't consider myself to be an expert on recovery from adultery, or much of anything for that matter. However, God has taught Amy and I lots of valuable lessons through this journey that we hope to share with others. We are still learning and growing, so we never want to come across as appearing that we have "arrived." We know we struggle and have to daily let God do His work in and through us.

In an earlier post, called Truly Repentant?, it explained some basic characteristics of a truly repentant person, as seen in the Bible (King David vs. King Saul). To follow that up, there are phrases that as a repentant person, I don't ever want to say, or think. To do so, would mean that I am walking on shaky ground and moving toward problematic thinking or acting. If you hear me say the following statements listed below, then I give you permission to call me out on my behavior and ask me what's up.

If your spouse is saying these sort of statements, then you need to be concerned. Don't jump to conclusions, but dig deeper and seek to understand what they are meaning. If they are stuck in blame, victim mode or show an unwillingness to be humble, "broken and contrite," then you will have some hard decisions to make. Hopefully they aren't. Pray for God to do a miracle in their lives, breaking them of any "chains" of sin. Pray for the courage to do whatever He is calling You to do. Whether you stay and do the hard work recovery or leave the relationship, it will be tough and you will need God to carry you through. Let Him. 

"Red flag" (i.e. warning) Statements To Be Concerned About:

• "Look at all the great things I am doing (or have done)."
• "It's in the past. There's no need to talk about it anymore." 
• "Yeah, but you..." (blame shifting)
• "If things would have been better at home, then maybe I wouldn't have done it."
• "I was just being stupid. I will never do that again." (minimizing the seriousness of the sin)
• "God has forgiven me. When will you? Or, why can't you?"
• "When are we going to stop talking about this? I have already answered your questions (Or, what good is it going to do for me to answer that question?")
• "It's been a few weeks/months. When can we move on?"
• "Are you going to hold this against me the rest of my life or what?"
• "What difference will it make if I do that?"
• "I am doing all the right things. Why don't you appreciate what I am doing? It doesn't seem to make any difference." (in many cases, it's only been a few weeks. The heart needs more time, seeing/experiencing consistent behavior/genuine change). 
• "Why do you need to know where I am going all of the time?"
• "Why do you need to check my phone?"
• "I am not talking to anyone about this. It's none of their business."
• "What's the big deal?" 

Characteristics of a repentant person and one doing recovery well are:

• God is the hero of their story, not themselves
• Take ownership of their mistakes and responsibility for his/her actions
• Don't resort to blame or criticism
• Refuse to consider themselves the "victim"
• Acknowledges the pain he/she has caused you/others
• Takes very seriously your feelings, and those hurt by their actions
• Does the hard work of recovery, as long as it takes, whatever it takes
• Takes accountability and personal growth very seriously
• Makes significant changes, in all aspects of his/her life
• Allows God to do His work in and through them, gradually/daily/long-term

These are just a few of the things I have learned and hope to grasp, take to heart, apply and then pass on to others. I also want to allow others to hold me accountable. God desires a "broken and contrite" heart and is serious about redemption, discipline and restoration, for the benefit of you and the lost world around us.

Romans 2:4 The Message (MSG)

^3-4 You didn’t think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he’s such a nice God, he’d let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.

I can't. He can.

As part of my recovery over the past two years, I have sought God regularly on how to proceed with either a new career or a modification of my previous one. My actions cost me many things; career was one of them. One of my deepest desires is to provide well for my family, while at the same time I want to be an active husband and father who leads and loves well. I want to be around my family as much as possible, while still pursuing a meaningful career. It's a hard balance.

I struggle to know how to provide well for my family. There are days when the 'math' doesn't add up and worry tries to set in. At times, it feels like I am going backwards. I have seen God answer prayers and provide blessings over and over, but I have to go to Him daily to remind me of His promises and to trust His provision, and timing. I often wonder to myself, "How much more does He have to show me before I have child-like faith and simply trust it's all going to work out?" Good question. Probably until I surrender fully and let His love and delight overcome my fear and misunderstandings about His grace and provision.

Worry won't solve it. Fear and doubt won't solve it. Borrowing a bunch of money won't solve it. Trying to rush the process won't fix it. Avoiding the issue all together won't make it happen. Sin definitely doesn't help.

Matthew 6:25-34 is one of many Bible verses that answers the question very well.

Do Not Worry (NIV)

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

My Heavenly Father has taken on the responsibility to provide for you and me, His children. That's a huge perspective change from feeling like I have to make it happen. Though I know I have responsibilities to fulfill, my main responsibility is to "seek first his kingdom and righteousness." He asks me to trust Him, and love Him and others with my whole heart, while loving and caring for myself as His beloved child. Then, "all these things will be given to you as well."

Why don't I simply take Him at His word? He asks me to seek Him, obey Him, love Him and let Him do the rest. As He leads, I follow. I don't have to be the hero as "provider of my family." I can't. But, He can. I have tried over the years and failed. I still try hard and usually hit a wall. However, when I enjoy the process, trust Him to lead, and let Him show me each step to take, I not only feel a joy and peace, but I get to see Him more clearly and more fully. I get to walk WITH HIM and HIM with ME. When that happens, life takes on a whole new meaning.

"Lord, I surrender again this morning. I know I waiver in fear and doubt, but help my unbelief! I want to allow You to care for me and my family and provide, even if it means only having enough "manna" for today. May I enjoy You and not fear or worry about tomorrow. Today is a gift. Let me enjoy it and see it as such from You." Amen

The Electronic Cigarette

 

While I was pumping gas Wednesday night, I noticed the advertisement above for electronic cigarettes. When I read the key benefits to this "cigarette alternative," I laughed out loud. For some reason, it was funny to me that it says, "No blowing up at the gas pump." Well, isn't that a nice benefit, not only to the person pumping gas and "smoking," but to all the others at the gas station as well? I've never quite understood how people can smoke at a gas station since it is highly dangerous. Oh well, at least there is a solution now! :)

Sin works the same way. My sin affects others besides just me. I have lived this awful truth and still get saddened as I think about all of the families and children and teenagers I hurt by my sin. When I choose to trust in Christ, not only will I not "blow up," but others around me will be spared from the havoc of my sin. Abram faced this when he lied to Pharaoh in Genesis 12. Abram's sin affected his wife and the Pharaoh's household, but thankfully God intervened on Sarai's behalf.

Beth Moore in her study called The Patriarchs said something that is a good reminder about how our sin hurts more than just us:

My stomach turns as I recall a time when I acted more sinful than the less "spiritual" people I knew. I cringe when I hear stories of Christians acting less ethically than those who make no claims of faith. We must be careful to allow God to build bone-deep character in us. The reputation of the whole family of God is at stake.

Apart from Christ we can do nothing. We are "overcomers" as Mandisa sings in her new song. I hope to live like one, and trust the One who made and makes that possible.

Hebrews 12 (NIV)

12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Worship During Trials

Yesterday morning and Tuesday evening I had an emotional heaviness that overwhelmed me with despair. It came upon me suddenly, and thankfully it left fairly quickly too. Having a desire to provide for my family (yet feeling like a failure at that moment), combined with the desire to find my identity fully in Christ and allow Him to lead me, caused me turmoil. I was tempted to give in to doubt, fear, and hopelessness and isolate myself from others. Thankfully that didn't happen, and I was able to see God answer prayers that pulled me out of that pit. What a blessing. What a Savior and Heavenly Father He is!

I shared with my friend Todd yesterday, that when I face trials and situations that seem too difficult or hopeless, my hope and prayer is that respond something like this, "Lord, I don't understand what's going on and it seems impossible or too big for me, but I trust You and can't wait to see how you get me through this one! I can't wait to see what You do next!"

It's about perspective and trust. I want my identity and delight in Jesus to be so real, deep, and full that trials, though they are painful and hard, lead me closer to Him instead of toward despair and hopelessness. I want to acknowledge the pain and difficulties I am having through "prayer and petition" (and sometimes by begging and groaning, see Psalm 55:16-18), yet quickly express joy and excitement over what He's up to and for who He is, through worship and praise.

As Hebrews 11:6 says, "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." 

I want so desperately to get to this place in my walk with Christ. It's a journey and process worth pursuing, and I get to do it with a wife who is doing the same thing. I have seen her grow so much, even over the past few weeks. She is expressing excitement, joy, and anticipation about what God is up to, daily. She is seeking HIS will and timing, and surrendering hers to Him. What a blessing it is to have a wife like Amy. We are getting to walk through this life together and experience God's delight and grace - despite the odds that were against us. 

Amy is reading a book that has impacted her in a big way. It is called One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. I hope to read it soon because I have seen the impact it has had on her. Living a life of gratitude, contentment and joy, despite difficult circumstances, breaks through despair, hopelessness, and even selfishness and greed. It allows us to experience Christ more fully and live beyond ourselves. Based on Scripture, that is God's desire and hope for us all.

 

QBQ.com Quote To Ponder

Any and I agree with this quote. We have been guilty repeatedly. 

Sheepness - "Follow the Leader"

In an earlier post, I mentioned that as a sheep, there is "safety in the flock" from predators, etc. Being around godly men as part of my "flock" has been good for me personally and spiritually. As I continue to read about sheep, I realize that some members of a flock don't always follow the Shepherd, but instead follow each other, even to their death or destruction. Look at what the Sheep 101website says about this sheep behavior:

Sheep have a strong instinct to follow the sheep in front of them. When one sheep decides to go somewhere, the rest of the flock usually follows, even if it is not a good "decision." For example, sheep will follow each other to slaughter. If one sheep jumps over a cliff, the others are likely to follow. Even from birth, lambs are conditioned to follow the older members of the flock. This instinct is "hard-wired" into sheep. It's not something they "think" about.

The website explains that sheep aren't doing this because they are "stupid" or "dumb." It's more about instinct. Plus, as sheep have become more domesticated, the more ingrained this instinct becomes. Though we as God's people are seen with high worth and value, more so than animals, we often don't act much different than sheep, sadly.

Even among Christians, it is difficult to find people truly living a full, godly life. As we study Hebrews and read books like Crazy Love and Follow Me, I realize that I have taken my faith for granted for many years as a believer, since 1993, and have often lived contrary to true Christianity. This can lead to a lot of questions I need to ask myself, regularly. If I don't, then I could find myself following the "herd" to places that aren't good, even if those places aren't necessarily sinful. Places that lead to busyness, hectic lifestyle, false identity/security, materialism, fear/doubt, etc.

• What habits, hobbies, instincts, and/or tendencies do I need to surrender to God and ask Him to help me change (and give me the "want to"/desire to)?
• What or who am I basing my lifestyle on - God's standards or the world's? 
• Where's my identity? -(if it's in anything other than Christ, then I am on shaky ground). 
• Am I growing in my trust of Christ, even when my circumstances are difficult? What about when things are going well - do I still seek Him and trust Him? 
• Am I willing to go wherever Christ leads me, even if seems irrational, difficult, uncomfortable, and/or opposite of what I thought He would lead me/us to?

I have a long way to go as a "sheep." There are days I wonder if my Good Shepherd wants to take me to the "sale barn" and stop having to deal with my ups and downs. That's not Him putting those thoughts in my head - therefore, those thoughts have to be quickly taken "captive unto Christ." He is good, loving, slow to anger, full of compassion...that's a truth that trumps emotions such as shame, fear, insecurity and doubt. That's good to know and dwell on for sure. Thank you, Jesus.

Psalm 18:19 (NASB)

¹⁹ He brought me forth also into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me.

Desert "Dry" Times

I have felt led to study again The Patriarchs by Beth Moore. Amy and I did it in 2012, and really enjoyed it. This semester through home school, Amy has been leading our children through History and Bible times, starting in Genesis and working through the Old Testament. Both our home school curriculum and The Patriarchs study is loaded with examples of God's faithfulness, and struggles of God's chosen people.

In Day Two of Week One, Beth talks about Abram's calling to leave Ur and go to a place God would later reveal. Abram was called from the city to the country. It was a big change and step of faith, both from a religion standpoint and from a lifestyle standpoint. There were many unknowns and Abram wavered in his faith many times.

In Genesis 12:10-20, Abram lies about Sarai his wife to avoid being killed. He momentarily forgot God's calling and power and gave in to fear and doubt. It nearly had devastating consequences for Sarai's dignity, but God intervened. God is good like that. At times, He doesn't always intervene prior to major sin occurring, but He is always good. He is always able to use our weaknesses and failures to do something good.

Beth Moore commented on Abram's leaving Ur and his failure to fully trust, and how it relates to us:

We sometimes experience emotionally what Abram and his fellow sojourners experienced logistically. Negev included desert regions in southern Canaan. The word Negev means "dry." Realizing that God has spoken a word over you and perhaps has made you a promise is a spiritual high - and rightly so. Nothing is like a fresh realization that the God of the universe knows we're alive and that the voice that spoke the planets into orbit has spoken to us. However, the honeymoon period we spend swimming in the spring of a direct word from God is sometimes followed by a trip to the desert...We can be sure the people of God to whom promises come will be tested. For God to strengthen our faith, He must allow us to find cause to doubt. Only Jesus always passed the doubt test...The weaknesses of God's children do not strain the strength of God. 

I am grateful that God has called me out of a life of sin and into a life of faithfulness to Him. The fact that the God who created the universe has spoken my name and personally invited me to walk with Him is humbling and amazing. I can't explain why I have experienced such grace. I deserved death and lifelong punishment for my sins. Though many of my sins have on going consequences, I still feel the presence of God and His leading in my life.

I believe He has called me to a new place, spiritually, vocationally, and even geographically - though some days feel like a "dry" place or a place of testing; an in between stage. It's not necessarily a fun place, but it's a very important place to be. He hasn't given me all of the details of my calling but has often asked me, "Do you trust Me?" I want to trust Him fully. I don't want to forget His faithfulness, power, and goodness.

Many days I get anxious and want to know "how things are going to turn out." I often ask for clarity, specifics, etc, but it usually comes back to "daily bread." As they say in AA, "one day at a time." That's where I am in my journey - surrendering my will, my ways, my fears, my idols, my doubts, and my concerns to Him. I try to focus on TODAY. What do I need to do today, Lord? Show me more of You today. Give me the courage and wisdom I need today.

(my blog has become repetitive in many ways. Same themes of surrender, gratitude, daily bread, and trusting my Good Shepherd, one day at a time). :)

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.^[a]

Sheep - Natural Instinct is to Flock Together

I am trying to be in tune to my "sheep"ness this week and study about "typical sheep behavior." The bible has lots of references about sheep and us, and Jesus, the Good Shepherd (see John 10 for example). I also found a website called, "Sheep 101 and 201." It is a website dedicated to caring for and raising sheep. Sheep require a TON of work and care. So do we as people!

There is a verse in Isaiah 53 that says, "All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all." This isn't so much about sheep, but about Jesus. However, like what happens to sheep, we go astray, away from the safety of the flock and Shepherd. Sin causes that, no doubt. But, Jesus was and is our cure for sin!

For us to get outside the safety of the flock (i.e. go astray) is to act contrary to normal sheep behavior. According to the website, Sheep 101 and 201, they call it "Flocking Behavior,"

Sheep are best known for their strong flocking (herding) and following instinct. They will run from what frightens them and band together in large groups for protection. This is the only protection they have from predators. There is safety in numbers. It is harder for a predator to pick a sheep out of a group than to go after a few strays.

Maybe you've heard that "we are made for relationships." God is very relational and we are made in His image. Therefore, it's not surprising that sheep prefer to be in a flock and "band together." It's the safest and most comfortable place for them to be.

When we are living in sin, going "astray" and away from the flock is what typically happens. The flock is not seen as "safe" but a threat to the sin and secrecy you are trying to hide. Being around other growing believers triggers guilt, shame, and even anger. Avoidance, isolation, loneliness, vulnerability, lies, wandering off, etc. become new "tendencies." That's why the more sin that occurs, the more complex and problematic things become.

In my recovery, staying close to a "flock" of Godly men is an important component for my well-being, purity, and growth as a believer. I need and want men in my life to walk alongside me, ask me hard questions, pray for me, encourage me, and speak godly counsel/wisdom into me. I hope to grow in my ability and availability to do this for other men, too. This is the gospel lived out - making disciples and growing as one.

In all reality, I am a sheep who is in need of a Good Shepherd and a good flock to walk through life with. To deny this truth is to leave myself vulnerable to "predators" and harm. God knows what we need and how to best care for us, His sheep. At the beginning of each day, I have to ask myself: "Am I going to be a trusting sheep, and rest safely in the presence of my Shepherd and "flock," or will I let sin, fear and pride lead me away from Him and toward "sickness, danger, and harm?"

I am thankful that over two years ago my Good Shepherd came and got me, His "lost sheep." I celebrate that and praise Him for it. I want to learn all I can from that experience and stay close to Jesus and His flock, especially my wife and children! What a blessing they are to me!

Luke 15:4-7 (ESV)

“What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.

God's Delight in Us: The Cure for Self-Hatred

Amy and I listened to a sermon recently by Matt Chandler of the Village Church that addressed the issue of guilt, shame and self-hatred head on. These powerful emotions have caused devastation in so many lives, including my own. It is an excellent sermon worth listening to. He walked through these powerful emotions and shared God's antidote for them.

Here is the link to the sermon called, "The Perfect Storm." http://www.thevillagechurch.net/sermon/the-perfect-storm/. It is about 45 minutes or less and is part of a sermon series he has been preaching. Have a great Sunday morning of worship!

www.thevillagechurch.net

Then and Now

Amy and I went to our counseling session yesterday and spent two hours with our therapist. It's part of our commitment to each other to go at least once per quarter. It is well worth it and has been a very integral part of our recovery and marriage growth. During the session, she asked us to rate our marriage the two years prior to our "fallout," which would have been around 2009. And then to rate our marriage now, some four years later, 2013. 

On a scale from 0 to 10, with zero being the lowest, and 10, the highest, we both said our marriage was around a 2 or 3 in 2009. Things were pretty low, and we barely were hanging in there. Children and our "history" was holding us together. In 2013, we both rated our marriage at around an 8. We are closer than ever and seeing tremendous growth in us as a couple, individuals, and even in our children's lives.

Putting things in the perspective of "then and now" was very helpful to me. We have been on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past two years and often lose sight of what all God is up to. If you are around us much, then you may notice that some days we are just in a "daze" and not so chipper. Other days we may be laughing and full of energy. It's part of our journey. We are slowly letting God do His healing work. We long to delight in Him, AND allow His delight in us to set us free from worry, fear, and uncertainty.

We know we still have a lot to work through and heal from, but it's truly amazing that we are at an 8. That's a huge testimony to God's grace and work. How can we be at an 8 after going through such awful sin and betrayal and public and private shame? Only by the grace of God. He has done miracles of healing, restoration, and sanctification that is truly humbling. He is the hero of our story. As the song says, "Our God is an awesome God."

Psalm 145,  New International Version (NIV) - A Psalm of Praise

¹ I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever.

² Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever.

³ Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.

⁴ One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts.

⁵ They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty— and I will meditate on your wonderful works.^[b]

⁶ They tell of the power of your awesome works— and I will proclaim your great deeds.

⁷ They celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

⁸ The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

⁹ The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.

"His well-tended sheep"

I grew up around cows, so I don't often think of myself as a "sheep," as David the Psalmist talks about in Psalm 23. But, when I do, it puts a lot of things in perspective for me. It's biblical, so I need to think about how it affects my walk with Christ and others. When I see Jesus as my "Good Shepherd," it really puts things in perspective.
 
Common characteristics I have heard about sheep are:

• they are not too bright/smart
• they frighten easily
• they don't like to be aggravated by pests or each other
• they don't function well when afraid or hungry
• they constantly need protection and to be led by their Shepherd
• they go astray and get lost easily (i.e. they are prone to wander from the protection of the fold)
• they need to feel very safe in order to rest and "lie down in green pastures"

These are just a few of the many. I can see why Jesus referred to Himself as our "Good Shepherd." We have way more in common with sheep than we like to admit or realize. All of those characteristics describe me; some more than others but are still there in me.

Jesus described Himself as the Good Shepherd in John 10:

^11-13 “I am the Good Shepherd. The Good Shepherd puts the sheep before himself, sacrifices himself if necessary. A hired man is not a real shepherd. The sheep mean nothing to him. He sees a wolf come and runs for it, leaving the sheep to be ravaged and scattered by the wolf. He’s only in it for the money. The sheep don’t matter to him.

^14-18 “I am the Good Shepherd. I know my own sheep and my own sheep know me. In the same way, the Father knows me and I know the Father. I put the sheep before myself, sacrificing myself if necessary. You need to know that I have other sheep in addition to those in this pen. I need to gather and bring them, too. They’ll also recognize my voice. Then it will be one flock, one Shepherd. This is why the Father loves me: because I freely lay down my life. And so I am free to take it up again. No one takes it from me. I lay it down of my own free will. I have the right to lay it down; I also have the right to take it up again. I received this authority personally from my Father.”

These verses have a ton of application, spiritually and physically. They are packed with insights into Jesus' heart toward His sheep. He is very personal and takes His protection of the sheep (i.e. us) seriously. When life gets hectic and scary, it is comforting to know that Jesus is right there with us, watching over us. It makes the verse in Hebrews 13:5, "...He will never leave or forsake you..." come alive. I can picture Him with His Shepherd's staff fighting off spiritual demons and evil. It's powerful imagery that I hope to take to heart and rest in.

Another powerful verse about our Shepherd named Jesus is Psalm 100:3 (MSG):

³ Know this: God is God, and God, God.
    He made us; we didn’t make him.
    We’re his people, his well-tended sheep.

I love this part, "...his well-tended sheep." Isn't that huge!? He's not only present with us, but we are "well-tended." He walks with us, guides us, leads us, provides for us, sleeps by us at night, and fights off all of our enemies. We know His voice and are comforted by Him. As long as we stay close to Him and let Him tend to us, then we are able to freely rest and live. 

I need this powerful truth and reminder. When bills stack up or seem to be more than we can handle, I need to listen to and stay close to my Good Shepherd. When emotions are difficult and dark days are upon us, then I need to listen to and stay close to my Good Shepherd. When circumstances seem too much and it feels like constant disappointment and "evil" is lurking, I need to listen to and stay close to my Good Shepherd. 

In His presence and protection, there is safety. Wandering off and not resting in and near Him leads to anxiety, fear, danger, and vulnerability to evil and "predators." Seems odd that we are so prone to "stray," but sadly we do. I am much better off when I stay close to Him.

Lord, put a hedge of protection around my heart and mind and body so I trust You and stay within your protection and provision. Help me always see that you are Good.