I had started working in the family business and only had a few hours on the first paycheck. I was the only one working at the time, since Amy's TOT classes had not started. When I opened my paycheck, it was $93. I freaked out (internally). The piles of expenses we had were not going to get paid with that kind of paycheck.
Our first weekend of baseball was approaching, too. We all went as a family to the ball field that Saturday. The next morning, we were scheduled to play again. The gate fees to get in the ball parks are usually $5 per person. Well, I panicked once again. There was no money. I wasn't even sure how I was going to get in the gate. We decided as a family that I would take Caleb.
I desperately went on the hunt to find $5 for me to get in to the ball park. I frantically looked everywhere. There was no money in the bank, no loose change around the house, nothing. Nada. Zippo. I was spiraling emotionally and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I felt like a failure. I didn't know what to do. It was a miserable feeling; one that I never want to forget OR ever feel again, if possible.
I was running out of time and finally decided to go to the ATM. I went to withdraw a small amount of money and surprisingly it let me. It sent my account into overdraft, which made me feel more like a failure. I loaded up in the car and took my son to the ball field. It was a very low day.
It is interesting that a $5 bill was so hard to find and could trigger such intense feelings of failure and inadequacy. I don't ever want to put my family in that situation again. My sin put my family at risk, though God provided for us in ways we can't fathom.I decided this morning to put a $5 bill into a frame as a reminder to myself to keep fighting for my family. My reasons for recovery go way beyond money, but that $5 bill is a visual reminder of the situation I put my family in, not just financially but spiritually and emotionally.
By God's grace, we are thriving as a married couple and family. Finances are still tight on many days, but we are pursuing God and trusting Him to lead us and care for us. I know I have a lot of personal growth to occur as a man and spiritual leader of our home. I desperately want Jesus to help me live in the freedom He has bestowed upon me. It is a daily pursuit. I want my past to motivate me to keep getting up, fight against evil, and lead with confidence, knowing Christ is with me.
Romans 8:31-39,The Message (MSG)
31-39 So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.
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