My Little "Mini Me"

Part of my recovery has been to do some digging into some childhood "wounds" and struggles that seemed to hinder me more than I realized or preferred to admit. One day it occurred to me that my middle son, Collin, who is now eight years old, is very similar to how I was as a young boy. Here he is smiling for the camera. He is full of life and emotion. He's a neat kid, I must say.

When I look at Collin, I realize that his "love language" is physical touch/affection and verbal affirmation. So is mine. Dr. Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages is very helpful in identifying this.

As a middle child, Collin also needs quality time to keep him from feeling left out. When he is happiest, it is an indicator that his need for affection and time have been met, either by us or others. When he's grumpy and "mad at the world," it is either because he needs to eat something, is very tired, or simply needs a hug. We've narrowed it down, and it helps us best relate to him. However, some days our patience is low, and his "moodiness" doesn't always get attended to as he prefers.

**As a disclaimer, what I am about to say is not in any way intended to sound as if I am blaming my adultery on my childhood or parents. I don't want to come across as disrespectful either.

Growing up, I remember feeling very moody and angry, even at home. If it's true that Collin is like I was, then I am beginning to understand why I struggled so much with anger, moodiness, and needing the approval of the opposite sex as I got older.

When I look back at my childhood and teenage years, I realize that my parents loved me very much, but not as much in the way I wanted or needed. For various reasons, my mother struggled to show me physical and verbal affection. She demonstrated love in other ways, though. She was and still is a servant and does acts of service very well. She also enjoys giving gifts and providing.

I appreciated those things, and still do, but looking back, I wish I would have received more of the physical affection and verbal affirmation. The older I got, the more it had a negative effect on me, and the less affection and affirmation I seemed to receive. It was a vicious cycle. I became more difficult to deal with and started drifting further and further away from my family.

Seeing my son Collin helps me realize that he could possibly struggle to feel accepted and loved in the same way if we were to withhold physical affection and verbal affirmation from him. I can't imagine doing that, though, at least not on a regular basis. I know I will mess up at times and not affirm him or spend the quality time with him he wants due to life's busyness and juggling a family of five. However,I want to be healthy enough to realize that his struggles are possibly due to some unmet needs from us as his parents.

Therefore, I want to pray for wisdom and strength to be the best dad I can be to him. Life isn't always easy or fair, so he will need to learn to navigate through these realities in time. I want him to grow to be healthy enough to look to God for his identity and learn to manage the ups and downs of this life, without resorting to sin and self-destruction. Breaking the generational sin - that's my desire!

I don't like the fact that I carry around childhood wounds. For goodness sake, I am 38 years old! The truth is that time doesn't heal all wounds. They have to be dealt with openly and with God's help. As I said, I don't blame my adultery on my childhood or my mother. I realize that my childhood had a huge influence on who I have become - good or bad. Now I have to do all I can to keep them from hindering my walk with Christ. "When I am weak, then He is strong." That's the gospel truth.

A book that I picked up recently, which is actually written for mom, is helping me work through some of my childhood experiences. I am reading it as a son, hoping to put into words some of the struggles I had as a young boy. I also want to read it to improve how I relate to my two boys. It is called What a Difference Mom Makes, by Dr. Kevin Leman. He also has one for dads.

At the end of the day, God is my ultimate healer and redeemer. He is the One who can undo my childhood wounds and help me become more whole and free in Christ. I am leaning on Him and asking Him to "search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139:23-24).