Two Truths For Marriage

When I look back over the past 16 years of my marriage, I realize that we had lots of great times AND hard times. We got married in 1997. I wasn't always unfaithful. There were many years when I did a lot of things well. There were also many years when I was VERY difficult to live with. I was argumentative, insecure, angry, overly busy, emotionally unavailable, impatient, and sadly, harsh.

I believed the lie that Amy was disgusted by me and really didn't like me all that much. I know for a fact she didn't like our situation or who I was becoming. I know she loved me regardless, but I didn't let her love (or God's) transform me. She tried to get help for us. I refused. I lied about my situation and problem. I made her feel alone, helpless, and longing for something better.

One thing I have learned and re-learned is that a great marriage requires an investment of time and energy to keep it growing and vibrant. It doesn't happen by accident. That's not romantic, but working to keep romance alive in your marriage is worthwhile and necessary. Many marriages are struggling, no doubt about it.

There are at least two beliefs or "truths" in marriage that seem to make a positive difference when realized and implemented. I have to remind myself of these for my own marriage, and often with clients who are struggling in their marriage. When these truths aren't occurring, it can lead to frustration, blame, negativity and drifting.

The two truths are:
1. Your spouse is not your enemy. You are on the same team.
2. Change starts with me. "My response is my responsibility."

I haven't encountered many couples who started out in their marriage feeling like enemies, but I have talked to many who feel that way later on when things "go south." They aren't feeling or acting like they are on the same team and feel like enemies - maybe they ARE enemies after years of turmoil. Secondly, many of them are so focused on what the other is doing to "hurt" them, etc. that they neglect their own responsibilities in the relationship.

I did this for years. I took everything so personally with Amy, and others. I believed lies - I didn't think we were on the same team and I sure didn't live with the philosophy that "change starts with me." Very sad, but thankfully we are living a much different experience now. That's a huge testimony to God's grace and goodness!

There are a lot of factors that lead couples away from these two truths and into a relationship of turmoil, disappointment, and heartache. Ruling out those factors or at least discovering what they are will be helpful, but the focus needs to quickly shift to living out these two truths. It's not always a simple answer, and it sure isn't a "quick fix," but it will help for sure. 

When you start seeing your spouse as a "teammate" (even if you don't like them very much right now), you will hopefully treat him/her differently. In sports, teammates are supposed to encourage one another and do things that benefit the team and the individuals on the team, not the opposite. Marriage is a team effort, that also requires lots of work by each individual.

Also, when you stop trying to change your spouse and quit focusing on all of his/her faults and start looking at yourself, then blame, negativity and pride will hopefully decrease. You can't change your spouse. You can influence them though. What type of influence are you having? A positive one or negative?

As you pray for God to do a miracle in your marriage and give your situation over to Him, ask Him to help you apply these two truths: see your spouse as a teammate and accept responsibility for changing you, not your spouse. He is faithful and will help you. Pride, blame, unforgiveness, resentment, and bitterness won't set you free. Ask God to remove those and start getting honest with yourself and your spouse. Let God change you so you are more able to love others, even when they aren't acting so "lovely."

May the words from Ephesians 5:22-33 sink in and transform you!

Ephesians 5:22-33, The Message (MSG) 

Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.